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To the "too nice" or "nice people" : Do you get angry out of nowhere?

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  • To the "too nice" or "nice people" : Do you get angry out of nowhere?

    I've been called "too nice" many times. I definitely want to portray an easy-going, kind and friendly personality to people. Sure, I get mad and irritated. But, I keep it inside and try not to show it. It's just rude and unclassy to start yelling at people and being mean in public. There have been a few times where I've gotten angry out of nowhere in the privacy of my home or to a loved one. I usually feel bad afterwards, but then think, "That was me 10 minutes ago?" Most people that know me would think, "Mag has it together and is such a nice girl."

    Today, I went to a Chinese doctor with my family member. The doctor took a look at my tongue and said, "Liver fire." When I looked it up, liver fire meant anger outbursts, irritability, and flying off the handle. This got me upset, because I don't want to be seen as an angry and difficult person. I want to be a good person. The truth is that I do have a lot of bottled up frustration inside. I'm laid-back and "go with the flow" the majority of the time, but I can lose it once in a blue moon.

    Do a lot of people that look like they have it together on the outside (calm, cool, laid-back, friendly) struggle with pent up anger that comes out of nowhere? I definitely have coping skills-Come to this forum, listen to music, exercise, journal, and tea. Sometimes, the emotions can get overwhelming.

    One thing I've struggled with is that you're "too nice" when you're nice/calm, but you're a b****tch when you show some emotion.
    "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

  • Originally posted by Magnetism View Post
    Today, I went to a Chinese doctor with my family member. The doctor took a look at my tongue and said, "Liver fire." When I looked it up, liver fire meant anger outbursts, irritability, and flying off the handle.
    What does this mean? How can looking at someone's tongue tell you what their behavior is like? Everyone gets angry. What you describe about your behavior is not the same thing as "anger outbursts, irritability, and flying off the handle." That implies someone who's prone to grumpiness and explosions of rage and unreasonable words and/or activity. Is that you?

    Sometimes a diagnosis is good, because it lets us know what's going on with our bodies. The thing that I think is dangerous about them is letting them put us in a box. That's my view with doctors that have science behind their practice - let alone non-scientific medicine.
    "Those sowing seed with tears
    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

    Comment


    • I think you can be angry, irritated or unhappy about something & let it be known without being rude, unclassy, yelling or being mean in public. It's not one extreme or the other. You can express yourself, show emotions in a controlled way, without being overcome by them. The best thing to do is to release that pressure valve (anger) when appropriate & directed to the source, rather than withhold it, causing pressure to build & then be released toward the incorrect object and usually at the wrong time.

      What would you do if someone bumped into your arm, causing you to spill your coffee? Or if the hostess at your favorite restaurant said they had no reservation in your name, when you'd called a month ago, and had the name of the host you spoke with?

      Comment


      • Originally posted by Stillness View Post
        What does this mean? How can looking at someone's tongue tell you what their behavior is like? Everyone gets angry. What you describe about your behavior is not the same thing as "anger outbursts, irritability, and flying off the handle." That implies someone who's prone to grumpiness and explosions of rage and unreasonable words and/or activity. Is that you?

        .

        Not at all. The thing was that my family member was the one that mentioned out of nowhere to the doctor, "She has a temper." But, I feel that my family member also has a temper herself
        I got upset at my family member and said, "You're making me look like an explosive person in front of that doctor, when you're telling her that I have a temper. How do you explain all of the people that say I'm too nice?" I have gotten angry with this family member, because she will say things that are out of line. Most people in my life don't act like this family member, which is why I don't get reactive with anyone else.

        What would you do if someone bumped into your arm, causing you to spill your coffee? Or if the hostess at your favorite restaurant said they had no reservation in your name, when you'd called a month ago, and had the name of the host you spoke with?
        I would say, "That's okay" and move along. I'm all about good manners, and I respect others with good manners. One of the reasons why I moved from the east coat is because I felt that people didn't value good manners or kindness. I've had "friends" and seen people turn beat red, yell "c********nt and wh********re, blow up their boyfriend's cell phones, and try to show how tough they are. I do none of that.

        Someone has to really ******** me off or do something rude for me to give up my dignity/good manners. Unfortunately, this family member does push a lot of buttons.

        I was just upset, because I don't want to be seen as a b****tch.
        "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

        Comment


        • What a great thread! After my first session of therapy (7 years ago), my therapist said that I had to read a book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" -- it was literally a life changing book for me. Mags, I don't know if it's the same for you, but for me it was relationship issue and included both family and romantic relationships. For me it was a cycle -- giving without any outward expectation of mutuality, feeling internally slighted when the other person/people continued to take advantage of me with no return, blowing up when the slights got so compounded that I couldn't control the anger, then embarrassment that the nice guy had expressed a negative emotion. Then the cycle repeated. The great part of the book for me were the interviews with the spouses/family of the "nice guy". Rather than look at the nice guy as being this wonderful knight in shining armor, he was perceived as having the most difficult personality to live with.

          It is hard for the even tempered to see how one can show negative emotion without appearing **********y. It can be done in an honest, direct and authentic way. For me it took practice, but improved my relationships dramatically. There are no blow ups caused by bottling up the indignities for months because you have already revealed your feelings and set your expectations.
          "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

          Comment


          • Effy-Your example is somewhat of what I was looking. Being nice, too giving and pleasing others to the point where our own emotions aren't taken care of. I think I'm much better at setting boundaries and telling people how I feel, when something isn't okay.

            People that I perceive as even-tempered ironically see me as even-tempered, because I don't lose my cool with them. There's something about other angry/abrasive people that can cause me to show my angry side. I tend to pick up on the energy of others. I get depressed when I'm around depressed people. I become happy, energized and optimistic around people that are full of life.

            I do have resentment/anger over past events, which I'm working on. Maybe that's manifesting in my body.
            "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

            Comment


            • Being a chameleon isn't healthy. In other words, taking on the colors (moods & dispositions) of those around you isn't good for you. Feel your own feelings & moods & act accordingly.

              So, if you'd made a reservation & arrived only to find out they'd lost your name, you would say nothing & leave? You wouldn't speak up for yourself & the guests with you, who've also been anticipating this meal & wait to be served? You don't have to cause a scene, or have some emotional outburst in the lobby, but speaking up for yourself is ok in that scenario. I'd say something like, "but I spoke with your Geraldo on the evening of March 3, and he even confirmed the spelling of my last name to be Linguine. Obviously there's been some mistake, but I'm happy to wait for the first available table that you have." Would I be a ********** for that? At least ask them to search the book to see if the date is wrong, in which case it could be my mistake or theirs, and in good customer service, they should assume it's theirs, and seat their guests who've arrived anticipating the sort of service that comes with a month long waiting list.

              It's a rather obscure example, but if we handle the little things, the big things don't accumulate - we are much more comfortable dealing with those as well.

              Comment


              • Kitty, you are right. The key is to deal with each situation when it arises and let your feelings and opinions be known. Certain personality types, my old one included, would rather not have a confrontation with family, friends and partners. I could be exceedingly confrontational in a complex corporate negotiation or be insistent with the hypothetical "Maitre D" but suffer through being taken advantage of by my (now ex-) wife without a peep. Keep the peace and avoid arguments at all cost was my motto. I was not being true to myself, my feelings or my spouse. I had to remake the wheel, so to speak. Now, I am very comfortable in expressing my feelings.
                "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                Comment


                • I do have resentment/anger over past events, which I'm working on. Maybe that's manifesting in my body.
                  One of my favourite thoughts and practice is to only be around positive people. I too find that if I am surrounded by negative people, I feel negative, down, depressed to a degree.

                  It makes perfect sense to when you think about it.

                  Often we put things in the back of our mind and forget about them, as there is just too much pain or it's bringing us down or we simply just do not want to remember.

                  When someone negative comes around, it sub-consciously can bring that back up again, yet, we aren't aware of what it is, as we've chosen to forget. That then triggers what is bottled up inside.

                  I learnt the inner peace of myself was a really strong key for me.

                  Everyone thinks CW is such a sweetie, so nice yes? Off course I am But, when I was married to Michael, he created all sides of me I didn't like and bought out sides of me I didn't want to remember, where you feel like you are fighting against a parent to have rights to do something, you are not yourself, rather what someone insists that you be. It's like they suck it out of you, want you to get mad, be like them.

                  So, my thoughts to this are, don't let those people into your lives, they may be family but avoid it, have someone else be at the house if they have to come over for some reason, make an excuse why you can't be there, don't face-book them, everything you can think of, to be dis-cluded from their lives.

                  I think though once you've reached an understanding of yourself, let go of any past that has hurt you, and yes, here I go again, love yourself for you, be happy inside and out, things don't seem to get to you anymore. I've had two spats in 5 years and they have been minor, sometimes I can still be a bit cutting under stress and I don't like it. I always apologise and look deep within to remind myself to do nice things and be nice and I roll with that.
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                  Comment


                  • CW-Are you an empathy/highly sensitive person? I found out about this, and it turns out that we naturally pick up on other people's energies and subtleties that others don't notice. I find that being around positive and uplifting people makes a HUGE difference. If it weren't for the positive mentors I have in my life, I don't know where I would be.

                    ATS-I did read your initial post in haste, so I didn't process the "hostess" situation fully. To answer your question, I wouldn't walk and leave at a dining situation.

                    Effy-I can relate to not always sharing my true feelings, but it really depends on who I'm around. There are just some people that won't get it, while others will. As I'm getting older, I'm attracting people that value my authentic self. When I was younger, I attracted people that wanted me to be someone else.
                    "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by Magnetism View Post

                      Effy-I can relate to not always sharing my true feelings, but it really depends on who I'm around. There are just some people that won't get it, while others will. As I'm getting older, I'm attracting people that value my authentic self. When I was younger, I attracted people that wanted me to be someone else.

                      That is not unusual. The younger we are the less we really know about our true self . . . at least it was for me. Our "friends" want us to conform to their ideals of what a friend should be. I found the same with family. As we age, we are less apt (or just don't want to take the energy) to hide who we are. So the people that surround us need to like us as we are or . . . just find another friend.

                      As for me, I have tried to eliminate the word "unconditional" from my vocabulary (especially preceding the words "friend" and "love"). It is unsustainable without return. My older son has so much of my personality and I try to drum that concept into his smart but still developing brain . . .
                      "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                      Comment


                      • Have you ever had people act like they know you more than yourself? I'm not talking about family, but just friends? I notice that the more quiet, complex and deep-thinking you are, people are more likely to label you b/c they don't quite get you.
                        "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Magnetism View Post
                          Have you ever had people act like they know you more than yourself? I'm not talking about family, but just friends? I notice that the more quiet, complex and deep-thinking you are, people are more likely to label you b/c they don't quite get you.
                          Of course. Some people have to categorize others either to deal effectively with them or to show how smart they are. Usually the latter. I tend to be like you (although I don't think that I am that complex) -- I observe and listen before I speak. Drives the "know-it-alls" completely crazy.
                          "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                          Comment


                          • I've been called complex and confusing by others, even though I don't see myself that way. That's why I'm careful about revealing myself, until I know the other person gets where I'm coming from. The people that have told me, "I can read you like a book" were ironically the ones that asked the nosiest questions. If you knew me so well, you wouldn't feel the need to ask so many questions. Not to sound like a braggart or self-centered, but apparently my Meyers-brigg personality is one of the most misunderstood and rare. When I found a forum filled with my personality type, I finally felt like I fit in somewhere.
                            "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                            Comment


                            • Just an update to this-Now, the Chinese doctor said my tongue looked pink and healthy, ha. Maybe it was just a bad day when she saw me first. I'm drinking a root tea that she prescribed that has been the most effective for me. I'm much more calm, energetic and less hungry. Not a bad thing to try for those that don't want to take western anti-depressant route.
                              "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                              Comment

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