• If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Dealing with Depression

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Dealing with Depression

    Hello Everyone,

    This is my first post in this forum. I don't know where to go or what to do to deal with my depression, but hopefully someone here can help me.

    I lived in California for about 30 years and recently moved to Toronto, Canada. I gave up my good job and left San Diego behind to move to the cold Toronto during winter 2017 to be with my husband who is a Canadian. We met and got married in February 2017. He got an exceptional job offer to build a new company in Toronto. I agreed to move with him thinking it wouldn't be too hard to live in Toronto, but I was wrong.

    I have over 20 years of experience in Oracle database and got paid very well in San Diego. After a few months of looking for job here, I realized that I have too much experience and no one want to hire me. The pay rate is about 1/3 of what I made in CA. In the mean time, my friends and recruiters from California keeps calling me back to work with them. Currently, I am working part time for a company that pays me 1/5 of what I would get if I take the job offer in California.

    I really want to move back to California but my husband doesn't let me. I feel resentment since I lost control of my life. I hate the traffic, the weather, the high cost living, the high insurance here. People in Canada are nice, but if someone paid me $100K a year to stay here, I wouldn't do it. I feel stuck and hate my life since I came here. I wish I never agree to move here. I regretted my decision. I still own properties in San Diego and I have a job line up there for me, but my husband doesn't let me go.

    I only make $40,000 Canadian Dollars a year now while the job line up pays me $200,000 Canadian Dollars. On top of that, I still have to pay half of the expenses living with my husband even he makes $420,000 per year. I feel that my husband is not fair to me and hold me back. He is too selfish to keep me here. I am not happy and hate every single second of my life at this moment. I was a very independent women before I got married. I can do whatever I want and there was no constraints. I missed that so much. Now, I feel like I live for my husband. He is happy, but I am not. I don't want to divorce, but I want to move back to San Diego. If he wants to be with me, then we can re-united later. Otherwise, I am okay to be a single happy person than being unhappily married.

    Thank you for listening.
    K

    #2
    I grew up about 30 miles from Toronto across the lake in Western New York. Maybe part of the unhappiness is the weather and the short hours of daylight in the winter. I know that I often was somewhat depressed in the winter, but it faded in the spring time as the days grew longer and the weather grew warmer. I live in the Los Angeles, CA area and have lived here for 36 years.

    Your husband is wrong to make you pay half of the expenses. He is making much more than you. He should cover most of the costs. After all, you moved for his benefit and took a severe pay cut because of it.

    I hope you have rented out your property in San Diego to increase your income, pay taxes and to pay any mortgage still due.

    Can you telecommute to work? My younger brother does this. He is living in Western New York but his job is in Los Angeles. He has to fly out a few times a year, but uses software to meet with and collaborate with his colleagues as they build software. He was recruited as a telecommuting employee. your skills should be open to telecommuting.

    Best wishes.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


      #3
      welcome to the forum forgetmenot

      wow, that is tough!
      a lot of changes in a short time with getting married, moving, different climate, and the job/ income changes

      are you/were you planning on having children with your husband?


      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by jns View Post
        I grew up about 30 miles from Toronto across the lake in Western New York. Maybe part of the unhappiness is the weather and the short hours of daylight in the winter. I know that I often was somewhat depressed in the winter, but it faded in the spring time as the days grew longer and the weather grew warmer. I live in the Los Angeles, CA area and have lived here for 36 years.

        Your husband is wrong to make you pay half of the expenses. He is making much more than you. He should cover most of the costs. After all, you moved for his benefit and took a severe pay cut because of it.

        I hope you have rented out your property in San Diego to increase your income, pay taxes and to pay any mortgage still due.

        Can you telecommute to work? My younger brother does this. He is living in Western New York but his job is in Los Angeles. He has to fly out a few times a year, but uses software to meet with and collaborate with his colleagues as they build software. He was recruited as a telecommuting employee. your skills should be open to telecommuting.

        Best wishes.
        Thank you so much, JNS, for reading and replying to my post. I think you are absolutely right about the cold weather and long dark nights. I am a gym rat and quite energetic in California, but I found myself wanting to hibernate most of the time in Toronto. It is already April but it is snowing like crazy outside right now. I am jealous that you are in LA!

        You seem like a very smart person and advised me to rent out my properties in San Diego. Yes, I rented them out 100%. My husband didn't make me pay 50%, of the expenses, but we entered the marriage with a prenuptial agreement that we keep what we had before the marriage and share our expenses. Even though that he makes a lot more money than I do at the moment, but I am a much better saver and investor in mutual funds, index funds, closed funds, income properties, and resorts, so my net asset is much more than him, I paid half of the expenses after we engaged before we entered our marriage without knowing that I lost most of my active income because of this move. He didn't offer to change the terms even the situation now is to my disadvantage.

        He said that I don't have to work any more and can live on my passive income for the rest of my life, Therefore, I don't have to move back to California. That is truth, but the thing is that I feel useless when I don't use my skill set. I feel unwanted because I went through several interviews and they all told me that I am way over qualified and offered me way below my skill level. Money is important but it is more important to feel appreciated and wanted as well as being able to contribute to society using your talent. In the meantime, I got so many phone calls offered me great jobs including Amazon in Seattle. However, these jobs require me to be onsite. I have never feel so wasteful as much as now and hope to find my way out soon. I am learning how to build a new business online and hope this will keep me busy and forget that I am in cold and hectic Toronto.

        Thanks again for your advice. You are a sweet and smart lady. God bless your beautiful soul!

        Sincerely,
        K

        Last edited by forgetemnot; 04-06-2018, 12:17 PM.

        Comment


          #5
          Originally posted by amy40 View Post
          welcome to the forum forgetmenot

          wow, that is tough!
          a lot of changes in a short time with getting married, moving, different climate, and the job/ income changes

          are you/were you planning on having children with your husband?

          Hi Amy,

          Thank you for reading my post and replying. I have two children (18 and 15) from my previous marriage and my husband has 3 children (20, 17, and 16) from his previous one too. We are not planning to have any more children. I can retire now but I am only 48 year old. He is two years older than me. He agrees to retire in San Diego maybe 6 to 10 years later, but at this moment, he still has to work to support his three children to finish college. I already setup the college funds for my children since they were 6 weeks old, so they are all set for college. I am waiting for him to move back to California. Sometimes, I just want to pack my bags and go if I don't care. Caring is hurting ourselves sometimes.

          Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

          Have a great weekend!
          K

          Comment


            #6
            Originally posted by forgetemnot View Post

            Hi Amy,

            Thank you for reading my post and replying. I have two children (18 and 15) from my previous marriage and my husband has 3 children (20, 17, and 16) from his previous one too. We are not planning to have any more children. I can retire now but I am only 48 year old. He is two years older than me. He agrees to retire in San Diego maybe 6 to 10 years later, but at this moment, he still has to work to support his three children to finish college. I already setup the college funds for my children since they were 6 weeks old, so they are all set for college. I am waiting for him to move back to California. Sometimes, I just want to pack my bags and go if I don't care. Caring is hurting ourselves sometimes.

            Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

            Have a great weekend!
            K
            Just so you know, I am a gentleman, not a lady. Although this is Womens-Health, there are a number of active male contributors. Since we all have women in our lives, we are interested in womens health.

            I now have a better understanding of the situation. The job opportunity for your husband was really a way to afford the educational expenses that are now due. Due to previous decisions, he did not have as much as he needed. How many children are living with you and how many are with your exes? Will the exes contribute to the college expenses?

            I still think he should contribute some of your share of the expenses until you get a good paying job. Keep on trying to find a job that you can telecommute to. I think that will help ease your frustration. Traffic: no problem. Getting cold from going outside: no problem. By the way, when spring comes (were is global warming when you need it?), you will find it delightful, with fragrant air due to plants flowering. Things will look up.

            Next, alter your house to make yourself happier. I have heard that having bright lights can help with the winter depression so increase lighting levels. Maybe wallpaper a room with a Hawaii theme.

            I left Western New York due to the lack of engineering jobs and not wanting to fight the winter conditions when going to work. California was the obvious choice since there was a lot of hiring here. I maybe would not make the same decision in today's job market.
            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
            ...
            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

            Comment


              #7
              compromise?

              stay for 5 yrs and then move back
              he could join u in CA after another 5 yrs and maybe he'd move even sooner?

              if you know your time in Toronto is limited, it would be easier?
              and then if you move back w/o him later, you can do the long distance/travel back n forth

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by jns View Post

                Just so you know, I am a gentleman, not a lady. Although this is Womens-Health, there are a number of active male contributors. Since we all have women in our lives, we are interested in womens health.

                I now have a better understanding of the situation. The job opportunity for your husband was really a way to afford the educational expenses that are now due. Due to previous decisions, he did not have as much as he needed. How many children are living with you and how many are with your exes? Will the exes contribute to the college expenses?

                I still think he should contribute some of your share of the expenses until you get a good paying job. Keep on trying to find a job that you can telecommute to. I think that will help ease your frustration. Traffic: no problem. Getting cold from going outside: no problem. By the way, when spring comes (were is global warming when you need it?), you will find it delightful, with fragrant air due to plants flowering. Things will look up.

                Next, alter your house to make yourself happier. I have heard that having bright lights can help with the winter depression so increase lighting levels. Maybe wallpaper a room with a Hawaii theme.

                I left Western New York due to the lack of engineering jobs and not wanting to fight the winter conditions when going to work. California was the obvious choice since there was a lot of hiring here. I maybe would not make the same decision in today's job market.
                I am sorry for mistaken you as a lady since I thought this is a women's forum, but I am comfortable talking to both genders. Thank you for cheering me up with various solutions and I will try them out. We changed the house the way I wanted but as soon as I ran out of things around the house to keep me busy, then I feel wasteful again. lol

                His exe doesn't help with any of the children college expenses. In fact, he is still paying her alimony until he or she dies or until she remarry. He is still paying child support for the third child who is 16 years old. Those expenses are above $5,000 a month. He is also paying for two older children tuition, room, phone, all expenses, which roughly about another $5,000 per month for those two children. None of his children are living with us. My 2 children are living with us and I am paying for all of their and my expenses beside paying 1/2 of shared expenses with my husband, so my current active income is not enough to cover my expenses. I have to use my saving most months since I moved to Canada and don't know when I have enough active monthly income like I used to in the past 30 years enjoying my life in California. I can't share my depression with my family or friends since they all think my husband is 100% perfect.





                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by amy40 View Post
                  compromise?

                  stay for 5 yrs and then move back
                  he could join u in CA after another 5 yrs and maybe he'd move even sooner?

                  if you know your time in Toronto is limited, it would be easier?
                  and then if you move back w/o him later, you can do the long distance/travel back n forth
                  Hi Amy,

                  That is true. It will help if my mind know there is a light at the end of the dark, cold, hectic tunnel. lol

                  I have no problem living without him and moving back to California myself. He doesn't want to live without me and will be devastated if I leave him here. I enjoyed my 9 years of being single and being free to do whatever I want. I miss that life.

                  Best,
                  K

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by forgetemnot View Post
                    His exe doesn't help with any of the children college expenses. In fact, he is still paying her alimony until he or she dies or until she remarry. He is still paying child support for the third child who is 16 years old. Those expenses are above $5,000 a month. He is also paying for two older children tuition, room, phone, all expenses, which roughly about another $5,000 per month for those two children.
                    I looked up income taxes in Canada. Between federal and provincial taxes, it looks like you two are probably paying half of your income in taxes. Converting to USD and subtracting $10,000 per month doesn't leave a lot of his income left over. I hope some of the $10,000 per month can be taken off of his income to lower his tax burden. Have you two thought about having some of the education expenses picked up as student loans? That would help with the cash flow problems. The student loans would be payable over a number of years but that would be at a time when you two weren't paying higher education costs. Ideally your children would pay back their own loans, but you two could help out. Are any of the children looking at grad school?

                    I was able to use grants and loans to get my degree. Paying back the loans was tough at a time when my income was low. My parents did not contribute to my higher education. I moved away from home to a house on my employer's property for my last half year in high school so I could get a certain grant a year earlier and to establish independence.

                    Best wishes!
                    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                    ...
                    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by forgetemnot View Post
                      I have no problem living without him and moving back to California myself. I enjoyed my 9 years of being single and being free to do whatever I want. I miss that life.K
                      you two are basically still newlyweds, though, unless you lived together before getting married
                      would you really want to leave him so soon?

                      what about making some new memories together?
                      Canadian falls are beautiful esp. at night, Niagara- on-the-Lake is nice, also
                      casino open at night at the falls

                      have you talked with your husband at all about how much you miss CA?
                      if so, what does he say?

                      Comment


                        #12
                        I think your depression is mostly situational, but a broad spectrum light will help during the dark winter months. I'm not doing well in the dreary winter either, and this has helped me in the past.
                        You can get your bedroom lights on timers, so that it isn't dark when you are waking. There are gradual lighteners you can get for bedroom, designed for people with seasonal affective disorder.

                        Since this is essentially a temporary arrangement, and you've agreed to return to Cali, try to view this as a vacation. Plan your "real" vacation in Winter to get home to Cali.
                        I know you said you've redecorated already, but if you can, do that frequently to keep things fresh, bright and airy.

                        I agree with the others, but thought of this also.

                        Finally, I think this is going to just be an issue of mind over matter for you. Staying focused on the positive, the future, rather than the shortsided view you have now, only able to see the drawbacks here. Sure, that's easier said than done. Find something to love in Toronto.

                        I can identify somewhat with the career. I have a skill set that isnt necessarily in demand in my field. It is a small niche of us, and I chose to leave it 6 months ago. It's been a bumpy road, finding something that will reward as well financially, or better, and still give me some satisfaction and fulfillment in my life again, with regard to career.

                        Joy in the journey...I keep telling myself!

                        Comment


                          #13
                          A tough situation. I agree about seeing your time in Canada as a holiday. When your "holiday" [as I put it] ends, I think you need to move back to California. Your heart obviously lies there and no matter how your husband reacts, you need to stay true to your heart. It will be difficult but NEVER live in misery and sacrifice your happiness for someone else. Obviously, he IS your husband, but you have your own life to lead, too and why should you spend the next 30 years in a place you hate? You will kick yourself if you don't move now. Doing this would risk your marriage, but that is a risk I would take myself in your situation.

                          Comment

                          Working...
                          X