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I'm crazy and I ruined my marriage over severe pms

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  • I'm crazy and I ruined my marriage over severe pms

    I don't know where to turn. For the last several years -- maybe decades, who knows -- I become an insane lunatic the week before my period. I mean bat$hit crazy. I've physically attacked my husband and said the most awful things for no reason whatsoever. It's always my husband and never my kids. I get impatient with them, but never like it is with him.
    Sometimes my brain works itself up to think he's conspiring against me. I've literally believed he'd had an affair with my best friend -- and dozens of others -- over some random comment or lack of comment, even. Sometimes I can stop myself before it goes too far; but honest to God, sometimes I can't. I actually cannot stop myself from breaking things and throwing things and screaming. I swear I'm normally a really nice person. If my family and friends saw me behave this way, they wouldn't even recognize me. I go out of my way to be a nice person, except to my husband the week before my period. I avoid confrontation at all costs on normal days, even when driving! I can't even stress enough that this crazy person I become comes out of left field.
    My husband has honestly never given me reason to doubt his fidelity. Nor is he a cruel person who would want to hurt me in any way. So why in the world do I become some violent and/or hysterically sobbing person most every cycle? I don't think it's always been this bad, but I've been keeping a calendar for the past year, and every single fight I've had with my husband has been during that week before.
    What's more strange is that as soon as I start -- I mean, the very instant -- I become so remorseful and ashamed and embarrassed.
    I had one of the really bad ones last week. I had asked my husband to give my son some money before a trip he was taking, but my husband fell asleep. For some reason, I became irate that he would treat my son that way. I accused him of making me beg him for money and treating my son like crap, like he hates him. My son is 18 years old and didn't even ask us for money; I asked for him because I lost my debit card and it was late and I was afraid he would go on his trip without money.
    So instead of letting it go, I torn the thermostat off the wall, threw it at my husband (missed), and demanded that he leave our house forever RIGHT NOW. I couldn't wait until in the morning. He had to leave right now. And I can't even believe I was strong enough to tear it out of the wall. I need help opening jars on a daily basis! It's really embarrassing admitting this, but I want to honestly portray my thoughts and actions. I can't believe I do these things.
    Well, unfortunately, that happened last November. I think I was upset that my husband didn't offer me any OJ when I caught the flu coming home from the best, most fun vacation we've ever had. I threw him out in the middle of the night, and he told me if it happens again, he's not moving back. Well, it did happen between November and now, and this is the third time in less than a year that I've disrupted my family and was a rotten, terrible person to my husband. I'm pretty sure he's going to divorce me. I mean, I would. Wouldn't you? And he told me it's over.
    I honestly don't know what to do. Is this going to affect my daughter (16) now that my husband's gone? My son is home from school, but will be going back in a couple of months, so am I going to treat her that way?
    Is this some kind of mental disease that causes women to kill their family? I'm not a mean person, but when I get this way, I'm terrified of myself.
    Since I started my period today, I'm back to remorse, shame and humiliation. No danger to anyone or myself, and I've never, ever thought about actually killing anyone. I just can't control my anger and fear and all the other bad feelings one week a month. Again, it doesn't actually get out-of-control violent every month, but several times a year for the past several years.
    Should I go to a doctor or a shrink? I'm not excited about the prospect of taking medication, but will do just about anything to fix this. Even if I figure out what's wrong with me, I doubt my husband will ever come back. I just can't stand the thought of living like this until menopause. Do these kinds of symptoms even go away with menopause?
    If anyone has any thoughts or ideas or solutions to my severe, life-shattering, soul-stealing pms, I would greatly appreciate it. I'm at the end of my rope.

  • I think you should go to a psychiatrist to make sure you are OK. You should find one who knows of premenstrual dysphoric disorder diagnosis.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • Thanks, JNS. Waiting for an appointment with a psychiatric reproductive NP. But I'm definitely not okay. I don't know anyone else who has these kinds of outbursts for really no reason at all. Maybe it's not actually related to my period; maybe I have some kind of mental affliction. I certainly feel crazy, but it's always the week before my period. And I hate that I have a week of shame and self-loathing waiting for me after a week of hating everyone and everything. I'm genuinely happy most of the time. I love my husband and my kids and my life in general, then, BOOM, bipolar for a week. I wish I could spend the week in a giant hug.

      Comment


      • Search PMDD on this forum. That is the disorder JNS mentioned above. You will find lots of stories like yours. Also, try to find a support group. Finding one online is the easiest. Sometimes hearing how others have overcome or are still dealing with this disorder can help.

        I would suggest you talk to your husband and explain what is going on and tell him that you are looking for treatment. You are already keeping a calendar. Maybe you need to plan that week you know you are going to have an explosion and just leave the house or have your husband leave the house. You also need to talk to your kids and explain you have this condition and the fights have nothing to do their dad.
        Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

        Comment


        • I just found a thread about PMDD on here. It sounds exactly, to a tee, what happens to me. I guess the good news is I'm not really crazy, just crazy a quarter to half of the time. I'm going to try some of the advice from that thread, but I'm pretty sure the ship has sailed with my husband, though. He's so unhappy and I'm 100% responsible for that. I've broken his heart and mine. He's not perfect, but he would have been happy being married to me forever if I didn't cause such a mess. He's pretty low-maintenance. I actually don't think it would be fair to offer up any excuse -- real or not -- for how I've treated him. If he did the things to me that I've done, I would never talk to him again. He would be lucky if I didn't call the police. I guess I should feel grateful he just left and didn't have me arrested.
          I have talked to my kids and tried to explain that if I could stop it, I certainly would. But they're ready for this to end, too. Like I said, my explosions only occur with my husband. I just want this to stop and feel normal. Everyone gets sad and angry, but I honestly really don't most of the time. I'm energetic and bubbly and positive until my period is about to start. And the worse my anger is during that time, the sadder I feel the very second it starts. Hoping some kind of treatment works or the psych nurse knows how to cure this. I'm miserable being miserable

          Comment


          • Originally posted by kable View Post
            I'm pretty sure the ship has sailed with my husband, though. He's so unhappy and I'm 100% responsible for that. I've broken his heart and mine. He's not perfect, but he would have been happy being married to me forever if I didn't cause such a mess. He's pretty low-maintenance. I actually don't think it would be fair to offer up any excuse -- real or not -- for how I've treated him. If he did the things to me that I've done, I would never talk to him again. He would be lucky if I didn't call the police. I guess I should feel grateful he just left and didn't have me arrested. (
            After being with him for so long, don't you want to try everything possible to see if there is even a remote chance of getting back together? Don't give up. You husband sounds like a good man to have stuck around so long. What you have is a medical condition you can't control. Don't you want to give him the option of deciding if he still wants to be with you after knowing you have a medical illness that is making you like this. It's not an excuse, it's a reason and you are showing that you are trying to fix the problem. I'm sure he also doesn't want to flush down 2 decades without trying to see if it's fixable.
            Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

            Comment


            • If I were your husband, and if you showed me what you have posted here, I would probably be game to try to work things out.
              I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

              Comment


              • I have to echo the others. Don't give up on your husband wanting to stay with you. Up to now he hasn't seen a way out of the situation. Now you can show him that there is a way out where your family can be together.
                I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                ...
                Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                Comment


                • I'm certainly not giving up, but he doesn't say things like "It's over" without putting some thought into it. Even though I treat him worse than garbage, I do really, really love him. I want to feel better and make sure this never happens again, but I can't make that promise. He certainly doesn't deserve it and neither do my kids. I'm just at a loss for what to do about it. As far as my marriage goes, I'm just giving him space right now. I know he doesn't want me to call him and beg and cry. I'm sure he's pretty hurt, too. The majority of his things are still here, and he still picks up and spends time with the kids. He's not out of my life forever; he just doesn't want to anticipate whether or not I'm going to be abusive this month or not. And at this point, I don't have much to offer as an incentive to stay married to me.

                  Comment


                  • You have a lot to offer. You have all the memories of the good times and you have hope in finding a way to manage or eliminate your monthly rage. After that you have a whole lot of future memories together.
                    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                    ...
                    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                    Comment


                    • I know you want to give him his space, but if you don't tell him what's going on, it looks like you don't care and are not trying to fix things. You don't have to ask him to move back in or forgive you right now. Just let him know what's going on and what you are doing to try to resolve things. Let him make up his own mind about what he wants to do next.
                      Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                      Comment


                      • Thanks for the feedback and support. I did talk to him a little bit last night, but for right now, we're on hold. He's not rushing out to file, but he's not moving back anytime soon. He did make it clear that divorce is our future, and he's not considering any other options at this point. Despite being a good guy, I've really hurt him and he's done with that. I think space for him and time to work on myself is my current plan. I see the psych nurse in a couple of weeks -- when my symptoms would typically present -- and hopefully she'll have some answers for me.
                        Honestly, I wouldn't want him to come back until we're ready to move forward. We all deserve peace in our home, and I can't guarantee that right now. I really want to feel better for myself. I know I'm a good wife and mother when I'm not plagued with crazy. I spend a week fuming or exploding and a week feeling sorry and sad, so that's 50 percent of the time in a sucky marriage. That's not what anybody wants, including me.
                        I'll give it my all to get better with some changes in my diet and try to exercise more, along with some supplements I've read about until I see the nurse. It seems like salt and caffeine might be exacerbating my symptoms. Coffee is going to be tough, though! I don't want to go on antidepressants, but I'll try anything to feel good again. I hope I can become what my husband needs, but if not, I'll be fine. At least he's a great friend and a great dad, and I know he'll do as little as possible to hurt me and as much as possible to help me. But he knows ****this**** isn't working and forcing it to work does nobody any good.
                        Again, thanks so much for the support. I've learned a lot about this possible malady from this forum, and it does make me feel a little less psycho and alone knowing there's lots of us experiencing the same symptoms. I hope we all get well soon!

                        Comment


                        • What are your issues with depression meds? There is clearly something going on chemically in your brain two weeks about of the month and it will no doubt take chemistry to resolve it. Changes to your diet and herbal remedies are really no match for modern medicine.

                          A psych nurse is a start, but my advice is to see a psychiatrist with a very strong background in psychopharmacology. S/he will know about the latest meds and how they interact.
                          "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                          Comment


                          • Hi Effy,
                            Sorry I haven't been on in a while. My issues with antidepressants are a complete lack of personality, no sex drive, and no drive for anything at all. I've taken Prozac, Welbutrin, Lexapro, Celexa and possibly one or two others. Also, birth control made me feel out of control every single day of the month. Maybe not as violently angry, but certainly depressed, edgy, and irritable.
                            I went to see the psych nurse, who referred me to a psychologist. She also thought my issues are hormonal, and a test where she swabbed the inside of my cheek confirmed that. Because I've never had a good result with the type of meds that would normally treat my symptoms, she suggested I stick with the supplements and diet changes. The good news is I've dropped 7 pounds. I'm not using any caffeine at all, no salt, no sugar, no foods with dyes, no processed foods. If I don't see any positive changes in my mood, she might try a hormone cream.
                            My husband is still out of the house, and he's really hot and cold. I have talked to him, let him know that I love him and I'll be here if he changes his mind. As of right now, he's planning to wait until January to file.
                            I no longer believe he doesn't love me. He doesn't really want to talk about us right now, but he's stayed over a few nights since he left. He's also texting me about trivial things like his day or who he ran into or things we would have normally talked about when he lived here.
                            He hasn't made any effort to get his things, and I think he was upset that I moved his clothes to the downstairs closet and moved my stuff in there. I talked to him about it first, and he was going to help me move a dresser out. But I think seeing our bedroom empty of his things upset him.
                            It seems like every time we make some improvement, he pulls away. That's okay right now. I have no idea what our future holds anymore, but at least I'm not certain it's divorce and being alone forever.
                            My last cycle was one of the worst I've ever had. I didn't act out at all -- again, he's been gone, and I've never lashed out at my kids -- but I was so sad and depressed that it felt like it hurt physically. I was in such a dark place that it scared me a lot. I called friends and met with the nurse. I had to practically restrain myself from calling my husband and begging him to come home.
                            Afterwards, as soon as my period started, I was wonderful again. As wonderful as I can be considering my circumstances.
                            I wish I could take a pill and feel better, but I'm sure I can't. I've started getting more cardio exercise, and it really helps immediately. If I start feeling down, I just have to get myself and the dogs to the park before I crawl into bed with Ben and Jerry. For now, I'm still waiting it out. I really hope the supplements work, but nothing so far.
                            I'm starting my "orange" days this week, but so far I feel fine. I just don't want to get in a bad place and ruin all the progress I've made outside of my week before my period week. Even with my husband acting really cold most of the time, I've felt better and more confident that I'm going to be okay no matter what. We'll see where I'm at in a few days

                            Comment


                            • I'm glad to hear about your progress. Diet and exercise can go a long way. However, I would recommend you see an expert on PMDD. There are very few clinicians who truly understand this disorder. Although I am not a clinician, the fact your psych nurse did not try to put you on anything is a little concerning. Currently, there are 3 medications approved for PMDD and it doesn't sound like you have tried any of them yet: Sarafem, Paxil CR, and Zoloft. They can we taken for only the 14 days before your period to alleviate the side effects. That fact your clinician hasn't tried any of this is a little concerning since your symptoms are so severe.
                              Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                              Comment

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