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Missing sex (in a relationship)

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  • Mes T
    replied
    I think Allie put it amazingly.

    Leave a comment:


  • Allie602
    replied
    Don't be a girl and sacrifice your life because you're being manipulated and guilted into marrying this guy. If there is no chemistry then you need to allow him and yourself to find someone he will have chemistry with. It ain't you. Woman respond to being expected to sacrifice their happiness and then get trapped in a marriage and children and have deep regret.

    If it was the other way around and you were a man, do you think I man would stay with a woman he had no chemistry with and would have to give up sex to marry. Noooooo. Are you as a woman less deserving of love and a good sex life? Men have it right - they are selfish when it comes to what they want. Women need to learn to do the same.

    You have no obligation to save this man, he does have problems but you cannot fix him and he has to do that. Don't be a sap and let him suck the life out of you. That's exactly what he is doing by telling you he can't live without you. Its BS, and very selfish and manipulative. He will eventually stop being so nice and resent you if you stay with him because you wont fix him and he will blame you. Women go into relationships with flawed men and expect a man to change, it does not happen and you buy a life of grief. Your instincts are right, get out this at all cost even if you need to go back home and ignore people who don't have your interest at heart.

    Of course his family wants you to marry, solves their problems with a troubled son, fob him off on a nieve girl. Do you think they care about you. Noooo, so you better care about yourself. Your family relations are bad but look around for a healthy relationship with a whole man you deserve that and you can find it if you know you deserve it.

    Leave a comment:


  • Texinator
    replied
    You can be compatible in many ways and get along very well... and that's still not always enough to make for a good romantic relationship.

    Leave a comment:


  • PurpleGoddess
    replied
    I think another thing that makes it hard is that I really enjoy time I spend with him, we get along very well. We have many things in common including our sense of humour. Feels like I'd be leaving someone so very compatible with me, even though I do miss having a lover as Mes_T put it so well

    Leave a comment:


  • p3375
    replied
    Purple:
    Maybe I am with him for him a little bit, I really don't know. He's a great person, one you feel you're lucky to have met. He loves me so much and really needs me, his family all expect us to marry and know me, I live with him and neither of us are in a position to easily move out and get separate places because of money reasons. I feel a bit like I should just see the best in the relationship and stay with him (permanantly).

    Gee, hun. This relationship sounds more like "big sister/little brother" than the basis for a marriage. I hope you will consider that marying or staying with someone because you feel sorry for them isn't doing either of you any favors. Pat

    Leave a comment:


  • Mes T
    replied
    Okay. So basically it's all about him, and some added financial issues that make it hard to move out.

    So he's scared you away from attempts at leaving by crying all over the place. And now to spare his feelings you're sacrificing your own life and happiness.

    If you leave him yeah he'll cry, he'll be sad, but he'll move on. You're his first girlfriend and it always feels like the end of the world when we break up with our "first." But it's never the end, it's only the beginning, as you and I know, and as he will know some day if you two separate.

    You love this guy as a friend, and a brother. He's emotionally blackmailing you (a great term that someone mentioned earlier). Don't you value your own needs, your own happiness?

    Yeah okay his family knows you and likes you. This means you're a pretty great person and ANY guy's family has the same potential to like you.

    Break ups are hard, but if you're unhappy, it's best to get out sooner rather than later.

    To me, an outsider reading what you've wrote, the choice seems crystal clear.

    It's not your mission in life to protect this man in a bubble of lies so he won't cry.

    Don't ever settle for anything or anyone. Recipe for terrible, life-long regret.

    Leave a comment:


  • PurpleGoddess
    replied
    Hi thank you for the replies! I had agreed to watch a film with my boyfriend so couldn't reply straight away. Was kind of hard actually, is was a romcom type (Bounty Hunter) and the couple looked like they would have a great sex life!

    I'm not into him touching me in a sexual way. I think I went off kisses and hugs a bit a while ago actually, about a month after we moved in. He noticed and said he missed it, so I apologised and said I didn't know why and have since made the effort to keep doing that. I like hugs, in bed we're close and cuddle. However, I don't feel like getting sexy or being sexy with him... it's almost like I feel like he's not someone I'd get sexual with and I don't know why. I haven't had this with previous boyfriends. My longest other relationship was my first boyfriend (2 years) when I was 17-19. It was bad in so many ways but the sex was great.

    I feel like he does need a lot of guiding and teaching. When we started going out I prepared myself for this. This is before we found out he needed an op. My first boyfriend was sort of a natural at touching and things but I understood that not everyone finds it so easy, I was nervous when I started touching a guy! So I tried to guide him and tell him and give him a tour of me but it didn't work out well and I sort of had to give up on teaching. No matter what I said about being gentle and things he didn't seem to change how he touched me and it made me uncomfortable. Maybe I should have persevered more but I thought I'd just stick with sex more, I think he was getting a bit frustrated about it not feeling right for me. He did an internet search about it once ages ago and came back to me with ideas but it didn't feel right still.

    I think it's probably got worse. We have sex less often and have had more problems recently. We've talked and said we'll get into having sex more but it doesn't seem to change. I'm worried I love him in a friendly way (I'd say 'brotherly' way but sounds wrong seeing as he's my boyfriend!). I find him attractive though...

    Maybe a good word is chemistry, I think that might be what is missing

    I think you have a good point about saying he couldn't be without me, it makes it really hard. I've had to come close to breaking up with him a few times and as soon as he realises that might happen he breaks down into floods of tears. I feel so uncomfortable and cruel. When it's been because of argument, he switches straight from defiant to apologising and crying. He cries loads and says he can't go on without me, last time he said I was causing him more pain than he'd ever felt in his life and his life was crumbling apart. His dad died when he was 17, they weren't in a lot of contact, but I would have thought that was one of the more painful things in his life so for him to say that sounds so bad.

    Maybe I am with him for him a little bit, I really don't know. He's a great person, one you feel you're lucky to have met. He loves me so much and really needs me, his family all expect us to marry and know me, I live with him and neither of us are in a position to easily move out and get separate places because of money reasons. I feel a bit like I should just see the best in the relationship and stay with him (permanantly).

    Leave a comment:


  • Texinator
    replied
    True, I guess it's different when said romantically. I was thinking of the 'threats' people sometimes make when they try to imply they would hurt themselves if the other person left them.

    Leave a comment:


  • Mes T
    replied
    I dunno, during a romantic moment I think people can say something like that just fine but not mean it in a morbid way. I've heard it all over the place but thankfully it was always one of those "sweet nothings" thing.

    (And just to clarify, I don't mean to say it's just men, of course it's men, women, dogs, fish, whatever. Just easier to put it that way because the poster is interested in menzszs.)

    Leave a comment:


  • Texinator
    replied
    Originally posted by Mes_T View Post
    All men say they wouldn't be able to go on without you
    No... I know it's not always a serious threat, but even when they don't really mean it, I consider it emotional blackmail. So that's nothing I'd ever say or that any person should ever say, especially to someone they claim to love.

    Leave a comment:

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