Weaponized Sex: Part II, a women's perspective

[Allie602]

I was looking at the responses in the thread on the male perception of sex used as a weapon by women. I think there miscommunication between men and women is, in part, the reason for the perception by men that some women use sex as a weapon.

This is something that is happening to me and my SO recently. I asked for something that I thought was a simple, a request to turn off sports for a few nights a week and take a walk out together. I avoid asking at times when I know there is a big game, tennis, basketball, baseball. The answer is usually that there is some importtant game or another and he wants to watch, so I go out alone. I try to communicate that there will always be some sporting event could he pick the most important ones to watch and forgo the rest or record it. If he dose go he seems to me as if he does not want to do it. So I stopped asking.

Then he wants me to go the extra mile to show my love. I think you could not even forgo a game on TV to give me some of his time and he wants me to show I love him (it's usually some senseless to me, sex - breast sex etc - when I am not inclined to do anything. It's not an attempt to control or weaponize sex it's the way I feel. He can watch sports 7 nights a week, he has a right but, if I'm dissatisfied I have a choice too. I did not know until recently that he is a sports fanatic, in the beginning of the relationship we spent more time in the evenings. If I saw him so little in the initial stages of the relationship, we would not have gotten to first base.

As far as sex is concerned, he comes to me looking for pleasure, acceptance, reassurance when, at the moment, I don't accept so I cant reassure and I would get no pleasure. What would I get out of the encounter, a man who thinks everything is OK and me with even more resentment. If I communicate clearly and repeatedly my need for time, and he is not willing to compromise to find more time, he has made a choice. Now I have to make my choice.

I suppose he thinks I am being unfair and has even hinted that I am trying to change him. That's fine, if he thinks that, then he has every right remain as he is. From my standpoint, I have a normal reaction to having my needs ignored. He concentrates on sex and ignores the basic problem.

I may be over reacting but I am weighing the positives and negatives of the relationship. I guess the thing that bothers the most is his attitude that all men need to watch sports. I wonder what other fixed idea he has about what all men do, I'll have to ask at some point. He a great guy, a mans man, confident, doesn't take any antics from me, which is important to me and has been careful to address all of my needs in the past, except this time.

I am kind of submissive and need the type of man he is. I either have to accept the sports thing and get over it and try not to feel resentment. This is the first man that I have met who is dominant in a good way that is enough for me. He is very unhappy when I am not in the mood and gently tries to get me in the mood if I am not. He does not back off easily, but never begs or ask. He will eventually stop if I am resolute. I like this about him.

We seem to be using different barometers of a good relationship I think; he uses frequent sex, I use the ability to compromise and change to accommodate the relationship. I have made major changes, he has made some. I wonder how many of the men who complain about weaponised sex look at the underlying problems?

Is this an example of weaponization of sex?

[CharlesV]

I think you are in the clear here Allie, sex in a relationship has feelings attached, and if he is being an unattentive pig then its understandable it puts you out of the mood.

He is taking you for granted, and needs a reminder that you need more than a quick poke after the sports is finished.

[Allie602]

I feel bad, I made him out to be such a bad guy, he really is not. It's a recent annoyance in a relatively smooth relationship. I will get over it in time I am sure. I did not stop having sex though that's going a little too far. I want it too, why should I be denied!

[rcoreyus]

It is possible for sex to be used as a weapon, even if the target deserves it.

My feeling is that if there are non-sexual problems in a relationship, it is best to avoid getting sex involved - and vice-versa. If someone is ignoring you, not doing their part at home, etc, then I think talking is much better than withholding sex. If someone is a uncaring lover - then not having sex (and telling them why) makes more sense.

[JRod]

He is taking you from granted. I see that you care for him and there is some good in the relationship but the sports thing Everyday is not acceptable. I love sports as well, but as you suggested, I limit myself to the "big" games. I take an interest in my SO's shows and activities as well. I never watched reality shows in the past but because I love her, I gave them a chance. And now I like them. On the flip side she watches football with me. It's great. We share in each others passions and it has made the relationship stronger. And I'm not just talking TV but in all aspects of life. Share with him that you'd like to try this.