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7 Year Relationship & No Sex

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  • 7 Year Relationship & No Sex

    Hi all,
    I want to apologize in advance as this will be long, but I do need some advice as this particular issue is bothering me and has been for a number of years. Anyways, I am a 27 yr old female, my boyfriend is the same age. We're approaching our 7 year anniversary in about two months. We've lived together the last 6 years, so we're not a "new" relationship and we know each other quite well. Anyways, we're both healthy individuals, eat right, work out daily, work and have great social lives, no addictions, not big drinkers or anything like that.

    The problem is, my boyfriend will not have sex with me. When we first started out, we had sex an insanely high amount of times per day. We were both satisfied sexually. However, only a year into our relationship, the sex slowly dwindled from maybe 4x a day to 1x a day to 1x every 4 days to 1x a week, then to 1x a month and so on...now seven years later, we're going on a whole year without any sexual interaction or intimacy. Plus, the last time had sex about a year ago, I was a bit drunk from a holiday party, he was sober. When I mean intimacy, I mean no deep kissing, touching etc. Before the last time we had sex a year ago, we had sex maybe 2x the previous year. It just seems to keep declining. We do cuddle and give eachother pecks but that is seriously about it. When things first began dwindling, I brought it up to him and it caused an arguement. Since then, I'll bring it up once every 6 months or so and 6 years later things still haven't changed and it still ends up with us aruging over the topic. I try to limit how much I talk about it or discuss it cause I know it makes him extremely upset and stressed out. I've also noticed he is not very attentive like he used to be (just in general). I know the honey moon phase was over about a year into our relationship but I just can't help to think that this is completely abnormal.

    Now, this all began a year into our relationship and it began almost directly after I had a pregnancy scare. We were both way too young for a baby and I feel that the lack of sex (from his side) may be entirely because of the pregnancy scare. This was also in the beginning of our relationship and by now, six years later, he knows if I got pregnant that it would not be an issue because we're both not kids anymore and we could provide for our child. There's another situation that occurred in our seven year relationship that also may be directly associated with him having no interest in me sexually. One of his best friends took advantage of me while I was sleeping one night after a party. I did let him know and we worked through it together. This was about 3 years ago, but the lack of sexual interest began way before that. I think it does (in some way) have something to do with his lack of interest though and why things haven't gotten better.

    He really is a good guy, does well with his job, is in school for an awesome career and has his head on straight. I am not an ugly woman, I am not trying to be stuck up, but I am a fairly good looking individual just as he is. I do understand that our lack of sex may be because of the past but I just can't seem to figure out how to get him to open up to me. I feel like ******** about the situation, feel ugly and feel like I co-exist. I guess we all want to feel wanted sometimes. He tells me I'm gorgeous and beautiful and when he's had a few beers in him, he'll even grope me in a sexual silly manner or talk to me about how he wants me, but this is ONLY when is he under the influence of alcohol.

    When I do bring it up, he will say "well, it takes two to tango" and it's like yeah, I know that..I am trying, if I wasn't trying I wouldn't bring it up. I just am completely overwhelmed and have no idea what the next step is. He absolutely hates the idea of counseling (I've brought it up on a number of occasions) and he doesn't seem to want to fix this issue. I know people who are married or have been dating for years who do not have sex and they are happy couples but for me, the physical intimacy is important and I need it. We're just about to celebrate our 7 yr and if I can't get him to start seeing things from my POV, I may need to end it.

  • I also wanted to add about 3 years ago, I (for a lack of better words) forced him to go to a doctor. He went, had no health issues and was given Viagra. He took it and said it made his stomach hurt and then stopped taking it after one try. I don't understand why the DR gave him Viagra, he has no problem getting it up, that's not the issue at all. In fact, he wakes up and I can tell he has no problem in that department.

    Comment


    • Does he self satisfy with masturbation and porn? That is what I would suspect to be the problem. Otherwise I would ask if he likes to clean, maybe excessively? Is he put off by your body and it's fluids?
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • Originally posted by jns View Post
        Does he self satisfy with masturbation and porn? That is what I would suspect to be the problem. Otherwise I would ask if he likes to clean, maybe excessively? Is he put off by your body and it's fluids?
        I really don't believe he masturbates that often, maybe while in the shower. I've never known him to be the type that looks at porn or anything like that. He is more of an intellect, he is always "thinking" and seems to be in la la land 85% of the time he's awake. Sometimes, it just seems like he's too much inside his own head, if that makes any sense. He's always been a nerd or dork and would much rather study physics or math than watch football or oogle over hot women. As far as cleanliness goes, it's funny you mention that. I'm the one who is very clean, he's the exact opposite. Being put off from my body may be the issue, however, I don't see why. I am in shape, haven't changed much physically since we got together 7 yrs ago.

        Comment


        • I was asking those questions and making observations due to what others have found to be the problems in their cases.

          As an Engineer, I appreciate science and math and can understand his pursuit of them. However, I don't understand why he does not pursue you more. His libido must be low. I wonder what is the cause of that?

          Morning wood is caused by testosterone levels being higher then and having to pee. However, even though having to pee is still there, sex can be initiated when nature makes such things available. Have you tried to initiate then?
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          ...
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

          Comment


          • Do you think that he is getting it elsewhere? This is often the reason for dwindling or increased libido.

            This one is really off the wall, do you wish to take on another lover, for the sex you are not getting at home. How would he feel if you had a friend with benefits?

            This really is a tough one.

            Comment


            • Originally posted by Truckstar View Post
              Do you think that he is getting it elsewhere? This is often the reason for dwindling or increased libido.

              This one is really off the wall, do you wish to take on another lover, for the sex you are not getting at home. How would he feel if you had a friend with benefits?

              This really is a tough one.
              I know every woman says this but no, I highly doubt he is getting it elsewhere. He is just not the type of guy. When I first noticed our sex life dwindling, I did begin to think that he was cheating OR that he was gay. However, I am assured that he is not at all that type of man. It's funny, all our mutual female friends always comment on how jealous they are of how great he is to me and how great we are together (if they only KNEW what we were lacking lol). He is an amazing guy, they are right - but I also think they fail to notice what goes on or doesn't go on in our romantic life together. I've asked him about me being with someone else (just for the heck of it) and he did not like that idea one bit. It wouldn't fly with him, he is not comfortable "sharing" his woman. I would never be able to go through with something like that anyways. I know he is not cheating because he goes to work (his co workers are all 50+ yr old women, as he works in a bank) then goes to school (as mentioned, he's obsessed with school and learning) and when he's not at either of those places, he's at home with me studying, playing WOW, doing school work or analyzing politics lol.

              I think at this stage, we're both so comfortable with not being sexual that we honestly don't even know how to fix it. It's just become something we're both used to and it's really left me in a rut. I am afraid to initiate because after so long of not being sexual, I am afraid he'll reject my advances. I know, I should just go for it, but I don't even have the slightest idea of how to after 6 yrs of barely no sex.

              Comment


              • You see this as a problem. He doesn't. It does take two to tango and if he isn't interested in fixing the issue, you can't do it by yourself. Your first task is to make him understand that this IS a problem and its impacting your relationship. You'll have to make it clear to him that you cannot be in a relationship that does not include sex for the rest of your life. Right now he does not have any incentive to change.

                Once he is willing to make an effort, there are a bunch of stuff you can try. Of course the first is open communication.
                Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                Comment

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