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libido (and communication) problems again..

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  • Hi Calibri,

    I read your message this morning but wanted to think on it today before I responded. Will respond tonight.

    Farmer

    Comment


    • Calibri~: Sounds to me like making dinner is his chore, I am asking for your chores that he says don't worry I'll take it. My second question was to see if he might feel unloved and not desired as well. (Just noticed that in my own relationship as well, Both of us feeling overlooked) The third question was more sexual but it seemed like your bed actions was limited to you servicing him with HJ's and BJ's which is extremely wrong in my mind. He has a responsibility as your partner to stimulate your needs as well.

      After reading more and a little of your old post I feel like your partner has started to forget how to treat you. Yes everyone change in time the secret might be to change together.

      I believe I saw a reference to what other people do. I believe it's wrong to drag what other people do into their own lives. I wonder if this might be some of the reason why you have lost your confidence as well. Sometimes I really hate social networks it can destroy innocent people because they think everyone else has it so much better. Even the once who makes fake lives. I do however know very well how it is to have a low confidence. I struggle with that my self daily. My issue goes back to childhood thought. Try to set yourself a goal for how you want to be. And how you want to be viewed. Than work to get yourself there. Try to use people you really trust to learn what you need from external feedback. I'm sorry but your partner does not seem like a person like that at this point.

      As some others here really push the importance of not placing the one sex over the other. in a healthy relationship both strives to pleasure their partner daily. When one person forgets this the other one can start feeling unloved or get a inferiority complex. Can the inferiority complex have hit you in some way?

      From the things I've read you seem brilliant as Effy says. I do however believe that your partner is neglecting you and this have made you kinda doing the same back. I do however look at your turn off's and turn on's. My believe is that you need to relax on some things as well as you partner should really be a lot less vulgar around you. Many people probably disagree with me but farting and burping is needed bodily functions and one should not need to keep inn in their own house. But you do NOT need to show it of to you partner.

      Other then that I would say that your partner seems childish in many of his behaviors, I would strongly suggest that you start to "punish" him for unwanted behaviors, and reward good behavior. As you say he get's worse after you talk. Then just remind him about the talk and say that's things you don't like and do not give him sex, if it's not for your own pleasure.

      When it comes to a man getting a standing ovation for their partners naked body, this does not equal to stimulating psychological needs. However a strip dance or being active and taking initiative in bed does.

      It sounds to me like your partner needs to understand that you have changed, and stimulate you new needs while your partner have gone from someone who could have done that to a childish young adult. For me it sounds like couples therapy would be a good thing.

      Being kind and romantic is not for guilty souls but a way of keeping the fire alive. The name calling, snot thing, and giggle when farts seems to me like a really immature thing to do and I would have gotten mad for it. And no makeup sex in those cases.

      I've started to lose my own post here so I will quit the post for now.

      Comment


      • Thanks for the lengthy reply lexhill.

        No, he doesn't kindly offer to do my chores, if I beg him then he might sometimes clean the bathroom...to be honest he's more prone to pointing out that I haven't done chores then going on chore stroke himself until I redeem myself...
        I suspect he also feels overlooked and underappreciated. We both do...its sad...I tell him how grateful I am for what he does, but he wants action not words, but I kind of want words...
        Yeah I'm not really being fair about bedroom antics. If I asked him to do specific things for me he would, but expressing passion or excitement or enjoyment in a way that I can identify with seems beyond him..I think he's afraid too of making a fool of himself and finds it all embarrassing. I think we both feel this inferiority complex...my partner is one of narcissistic tendencies, so cripplingly insecure yet ridiculously egotistical.

        You are almost certainly right about neglect. It's both of us. But I suppose yet again I'll make the first move and try to improve.

        Ha! What kind of punishment or reward do you have in mind?

        No makeup sex? You presume (incorrectly) that he opologises...ever..Y'know, until he can be less vulgar and immature...no sex really, it puts me right off!
        “...choose to believe in your own myth
        your own glamour
        your own spell
        a young woman who does this
        (even if she is just pretending)
        has everything....”
        ― Francesca Lia Block, How to (Un)cage a Girl

        Comment


        • So...how do you make people feel appreciated, loved and desired?
          “...choose to believe in your own myth
          your own glamour
          your own spell
          a young woman who does this
          (even if she is just pretending)
          has everything....”
          ― Francesca Lia Block, How to (Un)cage a Girl

          Comment


          • Originally posted by calibri~ View Post
            So...how do you make people feel appreciated, loved and desired?
            Speaking their love language is always a good start.

            The five love languages are gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. Each partner may have a different priority for each of these. Learn to speak your partner's primary love languages. If interested, check out the book titled "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

            Comment


            • Originally posted by Lexhill View Post
              Other then that I would say that your partner seems childish in many of his behaviors, I would strongly suggest that you start to "punish" him for unwanted behaviors, and reward good behavior. As you say he get's worse after you talk. Then just remind him about the talk and say that's things you don't like and do not give him sex, if it's not for your own pleasure.
              I could not disagree more with the above statement. Your partner is not a dog or a child, even if he acts like one sometimes. It is not your role to punish your mate. Are you OK with him punishing you? You should not be trying to train him nor should he be trying to train you. You both should be growing together as lovers, partners and friends. If something he does is a turn off, talk to him in terms of how it makes you feel. If you think he is routinely slacking on his chores, then explain to him how it makes you feel. If you are too busy or stressed, or not currently in the mood for sex, then communicate to your partner that you appreciate the offer, then explain why right now is not a good time for you, and then suggest a time later in the day or week when you would like to be intimate. In my opinion, withholding sex as a punishment or giving sex as a reward is a very, very bad idea.

              Comment


              • Originally posted by calibri~ View Post
                "I don't feel comfortable to initiate sex and much of the time don't feel like having sex. My partner wants sex everyday, but rarely initiates and blames it on me " would be more accurate
                If you don't feel like having sex much of the time, then you need to own it and figure out what's causing you to feel this way and find ways to improve the situation. Stepping outside of our comfort zones is one way we grow.

                I know from experience, that the high desire spouse may at times initiate less frequently when s/he feels they are routinely being rejected and be upset with the low desire spouse for not initiating more.

                Originally posted by calibri~ View Post
                My partner does not respond to what I consider romantic gestures
                It is very possible that the two of you "speak" different love languages. For example, if your primary love language is acts of service and his primary love language is physical touch, then he may not see an act of service as a romantic gesture whereas you might. However, that doesn't excuse either of you from learning to speak each other's love language.

                I am reminded of the following quote.

                Love is less about having sex seven times a week. And love is less about expensive gifts. Love is more about bringing a smile on each other’s faces for no reason at all. And love is more about letting your partner know you're still in love with little affectionate gestures. -- author unknown

                Comment


                • Maybe I should get that book....by the way, I'm not serious about punishing him, I'm not a monster! I get accused of doing things on purpose to upset him when I don't as it is! I don't need MORE things to have to apologise for...
                  “...choose to believe in your own myth
                  your own glamour
                  your own spell
                  a young woman who does this
                  (even if she is just pretending)
                  has everything....”
                  ― Francesca Lia Block, How to (Un)cage a Girl

                  Comment


                  • There are lots of books to read . . . "Hold Me Tight" is my favorite by Dr. sue Johnson . . . but he needs to read it as well. I have my doubts that he will just as he refused couples therapy. You cannot fix the relationship alone.

                    I agree with the belief that appreciation is a critical component of a relationship, but the companion component is respect. JD is right that whether one feels appreciation is highly individualistic; in the case of your partner, he is a one trick pony. He only accepts appreciation based upon the number of times the two of you have sex. Yet, he is unwilling to do even the most basic things to show you that you are respected and cherished. Sex as show of appreciation is completely different from any other form of it .... sex requires that the giver have mutual feelings of being loved, cherished and appreciated. This is why he, and your relationship, would greatly benefit from coupkes therapy.

                    However, working on your confidence is more important than ever. In my view, it is the only way for you to get the voice to insist upon change and improve the relationship or to leave it for something better. Your brilliance comes through from your ability to communicate, your expert reasoning skills and your career. You have to see the rest of you as wonderful and brilliant or set goals to make it so. Whether it's therapy, a gym membership or a new group of more supportive friends, make a change for the better in this new year.
                    "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                    Comment


                    • Sorry about the late answer. I was not able to check the forum for a couple of days.

                      What I meant by "punish" is not really to punish him like you would with a child that does something wrong. At least I often try to give my wife surprises and attention randomly to make her feel good. When I said "punish" I meant stop all those activities that you do to make him feel better. But when he act's in a way that you like you can do these things again. And when he act's childish or disrespectful as I see him doing stop him and tell him how you feel about it.

                      JonDoe: I do not mean to do this as a dog training program. But some of the behavior Calibri receives is in my mind extremely disrespectful and I find it unbelievable that a grownup can do such a thing. And I think it's important through words and actions that these actions are not acceptable. I would never ever expect to get any bed time action if I flicked snot on my wife. I would rather expect to get the message that I can sleep on the couch that night, and maybe a couple of more night. It's one thing to "train" your partner to how you liked to be treated, There is another one to train him on how be be a person. The first one is needed in every relationship not only romantic relationships. While the other one is your parents/guardians and your own responsibility.

                      Hope this clarified a little. And for the record I feel from what I've read that calibri get's way to little respect from her partner, regardless of her own behavior.

                      Comment

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