I have caught my husband masturbating

[Mayuskita]

This appeals to both women and men. Last night I (33 years old woman) caught up my husband (35) masturbating. We had a really good evening, cooking together, laughing, dancing in the kitchen, watching a movie....then he got asleep and we went to bed. Typical routine, bathroom visit, me first in bed waiting for him so we could chat a little before sleeping. We pray a little pray from my childhood every night too....our little habit. I was waiting for him,calling him to come and he just said that he is putting cream at small eczema spot that he has. Both doors, bedroom door and bathroom door wide open. I jumped out of the bed in order to surprise him and I have seen the most humiliating image ever - pants down,phone in his hand, curled up.... I can't shake that picture. I can't recall more humiliating moment ever. We haven't had sex for a month and half now, we have moved into a new place, we are both quite busy lately but he didn't mention anything about being neglected by me or that he has this kind of urges.
He knows two things about me,I am alright with everything as long as he is being honest and he doesn't lie to me. Second, I am sexually very open-minded,we have tried several things in past, we were swingers, we have visited sex clubs. ... This being said, I thought that a couple should care about each other sexuality, that things should be spoken,needs expressed. I can't explain how hurt I feel, how betrayed I feel. Can't see in him nothing else but selfish and disgusting person, lying again, hurting us and our relationship in such a unnecessary way. I can't shake that image from my head, I can't imagine him touching me because all about last night is utterly filthy, disgusting, selfish and just a complete contrary to love.
I had a romantic opinion about him too (we are together for 8 years now), one of the reasons why I have married him was because I thought that he was different from my typical vision of a stereotype man. More decent, more honest, less an animal (sorry guys ).

[atskitty2]

You both need to open up and discuss this.

Thinking such negative things about him isn't helping. There's a problem somewhere, and he was handling his issues as best he can. I know it's hurtful, but try not to allow your thoughts of him to descend into these unproductive and hurtful things.

Sit down and have an open discussion about what's going on. Keep yourself unemotional and listen to what he says. I realize that may be difficult, but he is much more likely to open up, share what's going on if he is confident that you will hear and respond without harsh judgement.

[Mayuskita]

Thank you for your comment. The problem is that I am not ready to listen to him. I can't even picture myself to be in the same room with him. Then when the anger will be gone and compassion will take it's place he will just say that he is sorry, that it won't happen again, that he is under pressure. And it will happen again.
Unfortunately, I have no friend to who I could talk to or with whom I could spend the rest of the day.

[atskitty2]

Taking time to cool down, gather your thoughts is not a bad thing. I think you're hurt, and angry and it's understandable.

Then, discuss it without the blame and without the sort of superficial attitude, from either of you. Discuss it from the standpoint of what is really going on in the relationship. You're very angry, and there's a problem somewhere. Working together to find and solve the problem is the goal. Not blaming or finding fault in either side.
I always found I got much further in a potentially confrontational situation, if I didn't focus on the me, or the him, and rather on us, as a team. Our marriage.

If he isn't receptive to improving the relationship, then you have a good reason to pursue an outside source for counseling, whether it be a pastor or counselor, or neutral trusted third party.

[atskitty2]

Oh, and to be clear, what exactly is your problem with his behaviors? Is it that you were willing and able to be intimate, and he chose not to, after a month of no sex? Is it the masturbation itself?
I know you said the lying was bothersome.

6 wks is a long time. Is he having a health issue?
Is there another issue he's dealing with? You said he's under a lot of pressure, is he having difficulty performing?

I reread the post, and realize I skipped some steps here...

And if you're unable to discuss this rationally and calmly right now, give him a heads up that you're upset and want to collect yourself and discuss on Friday, or whatever. Don't just leave it hanging.

Communication is key. There may be a very reasonable answer for why he's not seeking you for satisfaction.

[muffin70]

Masturbation is nothing new and even men who are happily married (such as myself) masturbate occasionally.
I didn't get from your initial post if your husband was looking at pornography or some sexual images on his phone or not?
if he was looking at porn or sexual images then you have a right to be annoyed at him.

you say you've not had sex for 6 weeks - is there a reason for this?
what I mean is if you haven't been interested in sex for that long then your husband might feel 'neglected' and that's why he felt the urge to relieve himself

when you caught him you could have asked him to come back to the bedroom and you could have helped him with his erection such as a hand job / blow job or something

but yes you need to talk to him - communication is the key in any relationship

[jns]

Welcome to WH, Mayuskita! Prior to this has your husband been neglectful?

[WaveRider]

Mayusakita,

You might be overreacting. His masturbating does not indicate that he does not find you sexually appealing. There might be other factors involved, too.

I can't recall a woman I've dated who didn't masturbate. It has never bothered me. My g/f has been masturbating since she hit puberty. She began having sex in high school. She has had a very active and healthy sex life with many boyfriends and FWB's. She was born with a hormonal imbalance that has caused her to be hyper-sexual since puberty. She's always been horny. She loves mutual masturbation, but we've never done it. I do know that she has always loved to watch her boyfriends cum. In fact, she loves com. She's fascinated by it. I'm good for one maybe two a night, so I have to conserve. But she has told me that she loves to masturbate in front of men while they jack off. She masturbates with me a lot. She could have six orgasms and then masturbate. Often she'll pose for me giving me an erotic view while she masturbates because more often than not, I'll be good to again bang her brains out.. Other times she'll lay on my bed, lose herself in fantasy, and masturbate.

This is just a guess: I'd go with at least 80% of men and women masturbate.

Many years ago I read an article about women masturbating. The gist was men shouldn't become upset if a woman were to masturbate during sex. Women have been masturbating since puberty. They are comfortable masturbating. They have a lot of experiencing getting themselves off. If they are experiencing difficulty achieving orgasm during sex, they know that they can get themselves off by masturbating. I'm sure that the same is true with men.

I wouldn't become angry. I wouldn't castigate him. I'd suggest a very calm conversation with him.

[Texasred]

"Might be overreacting?" Do ya think?
They're in their mid-30s, haven't had sex in 6 weeks, she catches him masturbating, and now she can't stand to be in same room with him??? What does she think he's been doing? Why did she feel the need to "surprise him" in the bathroom?
There's a lot more to this story, I think.

[deep-evie]

why did you not just go **ahem** move his phone, grab his penis and ride it??? seriously this drama is over the top and im a woman for christ sake!! he masturbated so what? learn when hes horny, if you find its always at that time, pounce him at that time, if he gets out of bed etc to go masturbate, and you know it, grab him, by the rod, and initiate! hes obviously horny at these times capitalise on it! you will not believe how good the sex tends to be when they are that horny hun xx when they are ready for porn they are ready to go hard.