I can't masturbate

[rosieee]

Could do with some non-judgmental advice/reassurance or general insight...

To put it bluntly I don't masturbate, or on the rare occasions I do I can't get out of my head and enjoy myself so I quickly give up on the idea. I've tried 'setting the mood', investing in a toy or two, leaving my imagination to its own devices etc etc but I really struggle.

I was pretty late when it came to having sex and dating in general due to lack of opportunities and lack of confidence in myself. It's only recently where I can say i've felt confident enough in myself to enjoy sex (whenever I have it), and even then I can be self conscious of how I look/perform. Taking anti-depressants contributes in some way... feel good about myself but find it difficult to cum.

I'm posting here as although I have great friends they're all very sexually experienced and confidant, when I have confided in one or two about this they are supportive... but I feel like a bit of a freak. it's not that I don't want to wank, I just find it difficult. And because this is now 'an issue' for me it's the last thing I want to do. I'm single and consider myself to be a social attractive young woman. I'm worried about if/when I start dating someone and this conversation comes up- Do I lie? Tell the truth?

As I said before on the occasions I do have sex I enjoy myself and love seeing my partner enjoying themselves. But when it's solo I struggle.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I the only person who feels like this? Sorry for rambling in such a long post x

[Kayla Lords]

You are definitely not the only one who feels like this, and there's not automatically something wrong with you for not masturbating (whether it's because you're in your head or you simply don't want to).

It's possible that the "standard" advice doesn't work for you. I love sex toys, personally, and definitely use them when I masturbate, but that doesn't mean everyone does or has to. Are there are things that turn you on (outside of partnered sex) that you haven't tried to masturbate with/to? Like...do you enjoy reading erotic stories or even watching porn? If that arouses you (and it's okay if it doesn't!), that might be something that can help you get in the mood to masturbate.

At the same time, you can have a great and satisfying sex life without masturbation being part of it. You're not required to masturbate just because everyone else is doing it, either.

And as for dating someone, in my experience, personal masturbation habits don't tend to come up in the early days of dating, so whether or not to talk about it or what to say maybe something to think about once you've developed intimacy with a partner first. And at that point, if you're already talking about sex, hopefully, they're not judgemental about anything else you like or don't like about sex, so saying you don't really masturbate (or like it or however you feel about it at the time) shouldn't be a point of contention.

[atskitty2]

There's nothing at all wrong with you. First of all, don't underestimate what the anti-depressant medications are doing to your libido and sexual function. They have a big impact on your ability to orgasm, and probably your desire for sex at all. So, this is not all "you", for starters. If you were like this even before, then the meds have just compounded that, I suspect. You can talk to your doc about changing meds or changing dosages, if you're so inclined.

Secondly, this is not that uncommon. REALLY! I am not at all interested in self-gratification. It's just never been my thing, and I'm a happy, reasonably healthy, 49 year old woman. Masturbation is just not something I'm into. I crave intimacy, not an orgasm. You may be the same way. As I've gotten older, I've found that most of my female friends are the same - they don't have a stock pile of toys either. We're all interested in sex, just not masturbation!

So, be kind to yourself here, and know that you are normal.

If it does come up with a future partner, be honest. I don't know that anyone would be particularly mean about that, and if they are, then it's an indication that they may not be someone to get involved with. This is simply personal preference, not any sort of flaw. The man I'm with is even the same way...so, it's really a normal thing for people to not prefer it, and it does not indicate sexual desire with a partner, necessarily.

[miya27]

hey it's okay rosieee . Same happened with me when I was in my college years, coz I was having some real depression ****, You just need to relax. If you don't feel right in the head, just don't masturbate, instead, do things that makes your mind free and happy. There is no pressure of anything, just enjoy your life.

[Monique Kova]

A very wise man (my father) used to say the word "can't" means "don't know how, or don't want to". In your case, you simply don't want to and that is perfectly fine. Quit worrying about other people's thoughts and focus on your own well-being. Never lie in a relationship. If the topic ever comes up, either respond unapologetically and with confidence, or just mention it is none of their business. If a partner doesn't respect this 100%, then they are not the one for you.

[Zoë T.]

There is nothing wrong with you! We all spend our time in ways that are unique to our own desires and experiences. I also feel like especially as a woman there is still quite a bit of shame (cultural, subconscious, from childhood etc) surrounding masturbation that inhibits lots of people from being able to fully enjoy themselves during masturbation. I remember as a kid and adolescent I felt extremely guilty after masturbating. Shame that I would carry with me for DAYS! Even today I find it hard to get in the mood for solo sex, and I completely relate to that feeling of not being able to fully let go or get out of your head. But something that helps is recognizing masturbation as self love. Reframing masturbation as a tool for connecting with your own body and mind is a great way to shed off the shame that I was taught from my childhood. There is no one way to practice self pleasure, and the frequency or infrequency of masturbation is all a matter of personal preference. If you want (and only if you want) to masturbate more often, or feel like there are areas to your sexuality that you've yet to unlock, try making a conscious effort to indulge yourself more often and play with the less explored areas of your body (like nipples, inner thighs, belly, etc.) while also paying attention to your breath. Masturbation meditation is a thing!

[Wednesday L.F.]

Definitely tell the truth to your future partners. The right partner will be cool with it. If they're not the right person, it's better to find out before investing a bunch of time in them.

[Vanessa R.]

I'm loving all the positivity in these replies (not that I expected anything less, of course!). Just wanted to join the bandwagon to show you that you truly are not alone and that it is absolutely normal. Nothing is more subjective than one's sexuality and preferences. That's what makes it so awesome. Although it seems like it's the opposite the way other people appear so casual and "normal" when talking about their sexual practices, including masturbation, I would imagine there is a fair number of people out there finding themselves in the same situation.

I do believe honesty is the best approach but only if the timing is right and the conversation is naturally leaning in that direction. That will make it feel more natural and especially if you're growing to get to know the person and feel comfortable with them to begin with. It's not something you feel you should "confess," since that has a negative connotation to it. It's simply another part of yourself you're sharing with somebody that comes with the territory of learning someone new.

I agree with an earlier poster in the thread who mentioned trying to identify the things that do turn you on. And whatever that might be, do not put it in the context of whether it's "normal" or not. If it turns you on and could possibly be something that lends itself to you exploring masturbation in a new light and on your terms, wonderful. If it doesn't quite get you "there" but is something that gets you aroused, that's still something to be celebrated and embraced!