Unconventional sexual attraction I need to vent about

[Eniel]

It's my first post here, and maybe the last, I don't know it depends how it is received. I'm expecting having rocks thrown at me, I've tried to look somewhere I could open up about it, but this forum seemed like the only place I could.

I don't really know where to start, so I guess I'll just say it like it is. I'm attracted to men who are considered, by society standards, extremely unattractive. I've looked into Teratophilia, but I don't relate at all. When I've looked into it, all I could see was fetish related, but the way I feel is not like that. For me it's more like a "reverse beauty standard", I don't see them like objects and it's not just sexual, there is feelings involved.

I found out I was not normal when all my friend would have crushes on actors like Zac Efron and I was there having a crush on Joseph Merrick after watching the Elephant man. Like I said it wasn't sexual only I was in love with him. I kept that to myself and pretended to like the same guys as them out of fear of being made fun of. I know it may sound like a joke, but it's not.

I made boyfriends even got married, but truth is I was attracted by none of them. All I was doing was trying to keep up a facade, so I don't get labelled as weird or get told I'm feti****ing a group of people, like I'm some kind of heartless monster when it's not at all how I feel. My relationships all felt forced to the point where I completely stopped dating. I've been single for 9 years now and I feel so lonely. I don't know how to deal with it.

I mean, even if I was to find someone I loved and feel attracted to, would they even believe me if I told them that to me they are the most handsome person? I'd be so scared to hurt their feelings if they were to think I'm feti****ing them. It's almost like me falling for someone is a backhanded compliment, if not a straight insult. I feel terrible about myself, scared I'm gonna spend the rest of my life alone. I never met someone like me that I could talk to for support or advice. I feel like I'm not normal and alone, I'm tearing up as I write this, didn't think it would be so emotional. I know it's weird, but yeah...I just wanted to get it off my chest.

[jns]

It's my first post here, and maybe the last, I don't know it depends how it is received. I'm expecting having rocks thrown at me, I've tried to look somewhere I could open up about it, but this forum seemed like the only place I could.

I don't really know where to start, so I guess I'll just say it like it is. I'm attracted to men who are considered, by society standards, extremely unattractive. I've looked into Teratophilia, but I don't relate at all. When I've looked into it, all I could see was fetish related, but the way I feel is not like that. For me it's more like a "reverse beauty standard", I don't see them like objects and it's not just sexual, there is feelings involved.

I found out I was not normal when all my friend would have crushes on actors like Zac Efron and I was there having a crush on Joseph Merrick after watching the Elephant man. Like I said it wasn't sexual only I was in love with him. I kept that to myself and pretended to like the same guys as them out of fear of being made fun of. I know it may sound like a joke, but it's not.

I made boyfriends even got married, but truth is I was attracted by none of them. All I was doing was trying to keep up a facade, so I don't get labelled as weird or get told I'm feti****ing a group of people, like I'm some kind of heartless monster when it's not at all how I feel. My relationships all felt forced to the point where I completely stopped dating. I've been single for 9 years now and I feel so lonely. I don't know how to deal with it.

I mean, even if I was to find someone I loved and feel attracted to, would they even believe me if I told them that to me they are the most handsome person? I'd be so scared to hurt their feelings if they were to think I'm feti****ing them. It's almost like me falling for someone is a backhanded compliment, if not a straight insult. I feel terrible about myself, scared I'm gonna spend the rest of my life alone. I never met someone like me that I could talk to for support or advice. I feel like I'm not normal and alone, I'm tearing up as I write this, didn't think it would be so emotional. I know it's weird, but yeah...I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Very interesting but I wouldn't consider this outside of the realm of normal. Humans can bond with other humans for many reasons and good looks aren't really necessary. Once a person is in a relationship, the bonding can change the person's ideals in such a way so that their partner becomes more beautiful to them. It seems as the one having trouble understanding that part of the relationship is the one that is unattractive to most people.

[JonnyR]

Eniel First off, welcome to the forums. I hope it's not your first or last time here...this is the kind of discussion we crave because it brings out heart, substance and truth.

For me and what I know, I do not honestly feel this is something abnormal at all!

We are all attracted to different people for different reasons...

Would you hold it against me if I "feti****ed" a body part or was attracted to someone because of some attribute or feature that seemed weird or out of the ordinary? For example, I am weirdly attracted to women with buff arms and traps...some people think that's pretty weird and borderline gross, I think it's ****ing hot and sexy...

And honestly, it's my attraction on the line and my happiness so I really don't give a crap what they think, and neither should you.

So long as you are honest, open and have meaningful conversions with the folks you date, why does it matter?

I do understand how some people might find it weird or uncommon, but hey, that's life -- the other issue is the person/people you are with might also feel self-conscious about it -- which is also normal.

Why are you with me? You're so much better looking than me? etc...but this happens ALL the time...even when someone is "normal" or "pretty"....

Bottom line: Relax, don't be so hard on yourself, and trust your instincts and do what feels natural and right. So long as you are treating people with respect (not the least of which is yourself!), then you have nothing to worry about here.

I would love to hear someone else's thoughts on this?

Wednesday L.F. or anyone else?

[Alison H.]

For what it’s worth, I’m not generally drawn to the conventionally attractive either. (Don’t tell my husband I said that — he’d probably take it the wrong way.) I like faces with character.

We are all attracted to what WE find attractive — whether it’s crooked noses, asymmetrical faces, or women with buff arms as JonnyR pointed out.

I think too, it’s worth exploring or deeply understanding the reasons why you’re drawn to people who are “extremely unattractive” in the first place. Because from the way it sounds, it seems to me that you’re far more interested in the person beneath the appearance — and honestly, that is a quality that MORE people should have.

Like having a crush on Joseph Merrick after watching the Elephant Man for example. That is a guy who would have been amazing to know in person — so part of the attraction may even stem from that. Wanting to know and be close to folks who have likely led interesting lives and had really unique experiences because of the way they look.

Some of the most beautiful people in the world are the least attractive on the outside and that makes them worth knowing.

And that’s what you would say if you found someone you loved and felt attracted to — especially if they’re not the cookie-cutter-attractive that society tends to favor. A person doesn’t have to be conventionally attractive to be considered beautiful — far from it.

Edited to add: Mine? Stephen Hawking. He probably would have thought I was an idiot because he was brilliant, but not gonna lie — I had an attraction there.

[atskitty2]

Welcome in!
I'm sorry that you've had some backlash from peers on this. That must be difficult for you, and it saddens me that you think of yourself as not normal.
What you're describing seems pretty normal to me. Like Alison, I am also not typically attracted to the socially-accepted standard of a good-looking guy. There are studies that show that we generally pursue those equal to us in visual appeal. And there are always those of us that don't fit the mould!

I think sometimes we also confuse someone being visually appealing, and being attracted to them. I think some celebrities are good looking, but I doubt I'd be attracted to them in person. What actually attracts me to someone is well beyond looks. I am rarely attracted to someone immediately. It takes getting to know their personality, character, intellect, wit, etc before the sparks really start flying for me!

So, we all work a little differently, and that's ok. I hope that you will find some comfort in all the responses here, and I hope you'll come back and enjoy more of the forum!

[Vanessa R.]

Hi, Eniel! Welcome, welcome...so glad you decided to dive right in and share this topic with us. That takes a lot of guts and I hope what you've read so far has helped you realize that you are definitely not alone in what you're feeling. Who knows how many countless people are in the same boat as you but were too scared to reach out to try and express their feelings? By you posting here, you've already taken a huge step in addressing the matter at hand.

Everyone has made solid points on the subject and I agree 1,000%. I'm attracted to both but mainly what draws me is a person's energy and personality. I've dated guys who my friends didn't consider attractive and they would kind of give me that "are you serious?" look. But I didn't care. Humor, kindness, empathy, wit...all those things make a person super attractive to me at their core.

There are tons of people who would be considered extremely unattractive who date and have relationships all the time. I would like to think they don't lead with the, "Why are you with me? I'm so ugly!" attitude. So I don't think you should lead with that, either, when you meet someone you find yourself attracted to.

When you meet someone new and you're drawn to them, that creates an attraction and a bond that comes out naturally in the way you talk and connect. Not all people who are considered unattractive are insecure...there are plenty who are confident in who they are and comfortable in their own skin so as long as you go with the flow of the connection and you're both digging each other, you shouldn't feel apprehensive about communicating how you feel. If they really get to know you, chances are they'll take the compliment as exactly that: a compliment. But if they're insecure, not sure of themselves, have deep relationship issues/baggage, they could over analyze that kind of thing but developing the kind of connection you seem to be looking for is one that comes with time. So put yourself out there and then give it time to grow and develop into a relationship you know you're deserving of. Everything else will fall into place from there.

Would love to know any updates you want to share with us when you're ready to jump back into the dating scene!

[Eniel]

Well, I wasn't expecting so much positive comments. I was almost scared at first to look at the notification, but I don't regret doing it. After reading some of them, I thought a little deeper about it. When it comes to Joseph Merrick, I remember when I first watched the movie, I thought: "He is so brilliant, talented and such a polite sweet person. If he wouldn't have all those deformities, all the women would have been at his feet." Then I read about his real life and discovered that he was a really strong willed person that didn't let is appearance stop him. I have a lot of admiration for that and I guess that's what if find attractive, that strength that no gym subscription can buy.

[Monique Kova]

Hello Eniel. While the other posters here have made excellent points (especially Vanessa), one only has to read between the lines in your original post to understand your root problem is an extreme fear of rejection. Your first paragraph speaks volumes: "It's my first post here, and maybe the last, I don't know it depends how it is received. I'm expecting having rocks thrown at me..." The rest of your post goes on to solidify how you worry more about what friends and strangers think than concentrating on what is really important in life, which is self-confidence.

You are not alone in feeling this way. Many men and women allow their low self-esteem to dictate the choices they make in selecting a partner. A few years ago, one of my closest friends admitted she married her husband because she felt this particular man wouldn't leave her. She admitted to not being physically attracted to him and his personality was less than desirable. While he treated her like crap, she tolerated it because he at least didn't stray (to the best of her knowledge). This is possibly the worst excuse any individual can make in life.

Deep down, she was miserable but would never fully admit it to others and more importantly, to herself. I told her if the only thing she wanted in life was complete loyalty, get a dog. If you seek to nurture a loving relationship with mutual physical, mental, and spiritual attraction, then don't settle for anything less than what you deserve.

Up until then, no one else presented to her that perspective out of fear she would take it the wrong way and would be hurt. Once she understood my opinion came from a good place, she eventually embarked on a journey of self-discovery and commenced healing her soul. She utilized the Internet, books, and counselling as tools to gain back her self-confidence. Fast forward to today and my friend is a completely different woman. She dissolved the unhealthy relationship and after taking chances to date men she felt previously would be too good for her, she found a loving, caring partner who is an "equal". She didn't have to go to the gym, buy new clothes, or learn how to sing. Confidence was the key ingredient.

Her journey was not an easy path but she learned to embrace challenges instead of running from them once her self-esteem rose to the occasion. The key to her success (in her words) was to accept rejection as a stepping stone to the future and not treat it as a road block. Now she controls her life without any fear.

In short Eneil, you sound like a warm, caring, and loving person who most certainly deserves to be happy in life. Start taking control of your feelings by being honest with yourself and seek happiness without worrying about how others perceive you. A woman with high self-esteem naturally radiates personality and will attract those who are the same. If you find a man you are attracted to (physically, mentally, and spiritually), don't hesitate in expressing your feelings. A real man will take that as a compliment without question.

"If you stand still you fall backwards. You cannot stand still, because the world moves away from you if you stand still. And there is no stasis. There is only backwards". {Jordan Peterson}

[Wednesday L.F.]

Sexual attraction is soooo subjective, yet so many people feel like what they find attractive is universal. It isn't.
Looks come way later in the equation to me, usually after I've figured out whether or not I like someone as a person. As a lifelong fat chick, I was told many times that no one would find me attractive unless/until I changed my body size and shape. Turned out, that was nothing but esteem-shredding garbage talk.

I'd suggest thinking less about why you find someone hot, and more about finding out what you like about them that's not appearance-based. Focusing on appearance can lead to disappointment in the absence of other factors. At the same time, gazing upon ultimate hotness also has its perks.