[Wilsonskye14]

I don't know what's been wrong with me lately, but I have been having a lot of issues when it comes to my sex life with my boyfriend of 3 and a half years.

We had a pretty healthy sex life-1 or 2 times a day, then 1-2 times a week, and now it's only maybe once every several week (this last time was 2 months).

We're both at fault but I'm purely speaking from my perspective- I don't know how he feels much because he does not communicate well with me.

I have little desire to sleep with him anymore. When we do, it always feels like he's in a rush to get what HE wants done if you catch my drift. He told me he doesn't like pleasuring me because it bores him. When we have sex I pretend to "finish" because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

When we do have sex too, it's very short term because I think he might get bored and he's a smoker so he's in a hurry to finish because he's so out of breath. It's almost impossible for me to get off myself. Sometimes he even squeezes my legs tight together like he's not happy with me down there either.

I quit my favorite job over 7 months ago and became very depressed as a result along with gaining some weight, so I feel like he's lost attraction to me too. He tells me he's attracted to me but he does reassure me or compliments me either without me asking for him to say something unfortunately.

I don't feel like he likes sleeping with me. ANY time I try to get him in the mood (I always try switching it up too), he tells me he's not in the mood and gets a little annoyed with me. I've even suggested using different toys and lubes and positions and he's not into it. I remember once I put porn on to get us in the mood and he got annoyed and asked me to turn it off.

The worst part is, although the aforementioned factors likely play a role in this, I cry EVERYTIME we have sex now and I DON'T understand why. It's not small sobs, I'll have to run in the bathroom after we're done to start sobbing uncontrollably and I'm hysterical. It's ONLY been like this for about a year now too which I don't understand. I don't know if it's just because I don't feel a connection anymore or if it's just because we don't have sex anymore, but I can't help crying. It doesn't really feel right. It's so hard to explain. There's been moments where I've cried while in the middle of it too.

I am very insecure but I'm not dumb. Something isn't right with how he is with me anymore and vice versa but I can't put my finger on it.

And yes, again I've TRIED communicating with him. I bring up these issues (I even told him about the crying) and he doesn't seem bothered with it like I am. He doesn't have a problem with it and has told me himself most of the time he just masturbates in the shower and doesn't have to worry about it.

Is me crying and feeling the way I do normal? Is he behaving strangely or am I just projecting? I need help.

[jns]

I don't know what's been wrong with me lately, but I have been having a lot of issues when it comes to my sex life with my boyfriend of 3 and a half years.

We had a pretty healthy sex life-1 or 2 times a day, then 1-2 times a week, and now it's only maybe once every several week (this last time was 2 months).

We're both at fault but I'm purely speaking from my perspective- I don't know how he feels much because he does not communicate well with me.

I have little desire to sleep with him anymore. When we do, it always feels like he's in a rush to get what HE wants done if you catch my drift. He told me he doesn't like pleasuring me because it bores him. When we have sex I pretend to "finish" because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

When we do have sex too, it's very short term because I think he might get bored and he's a smoker so he's in a hurry to finish because he's so out of breath. It's almost impossible for me to get off myself. Sometimes he even squeezes my legs tight together like he's not happy with me down there either.

I quit my favorite job over 7 months ago and became very depressed as a result along with gaining some weight, so I feel like he's lost attraction to me too. He tells me he's attracted to me but he does reassure me or compliments me either without me asking for him to say something unfortunately.

I don't feel like he likes sleeping with me. ANY time I try to get him in the mood (I always try switching it up too), he tells me he's not in the mood and gets a little annoyed with me. I've even suggested using different toys and lubes and positions and he's not into it. I remember once I put porn on to get us in the mood and he got annoyed and asked me to turn it off.

The worst part is, although the aforementioned factors likely play a role in this, I cry EVERYTIME we have sex now and I DON'T understand why. It's not small sobs, I'll have to run in the bathroom after we're done to start sobbing uncontrollably and I'm hysterical. It's ONLY been like this for about a year now too which I don't understand. I don't know if it's just because I don't feel a connection anymore or if it's just because we don't have sex anymore, but I can't help crying. It doesn't really feel right. It's so hard to explain. There's been moments where I've cried while in the middle of it too.

I am very insecure but I'm not dumb. Something isn't right with how he is with me anymore and vice versa but I can't put my finger on it.

And yes, again I've TRIED communicating with him. I bring up these issues (I even told him about the crying) and he doesn't seem bothered with it like I am. He doesn't have a problem with it and has told me himself most of the time he just masturbates in the shower and doesn't have to worry about it.

Is me crying and feeling the way I do normal? Is he behaving strangely or am I just projecting? I need help.

Welcome to WHI. Sometimes having sex causes a release of hormones that can cause the uncontrollable crying.

You did not describe any fun things done together with your boyfriend. A lot of a good relationship is built on doing fun things together. Joking back and forth can be part of it. Going on trips and outings can be part of it. For some, going to church and religious events are part of it. Do you two ever just talk about life?

To me it sounds like he has disconnected, so he is selfishly getting what he thinks he needs without any attempt to bridge the gap to you.

[Alison H.]

Is me crying and feeling the way I do normal? Is he behaving strangely or am I just projecting? I need help.

First of all, I don’t think you’re projecting and there is nothing abnormal about the way you feel.

Honestly, I think your crying IS a reflection of the lack of connection that you feel with him, especially in regard to the way he seems to approach and look at having sex with you. I know you’re not certain of how he really feels about having sex with you because he isn’t communicating that, which means you’re left feeling around in the dark by yourself trying to figure out what’s wrong.

And naturally, those thoughts turn into wondering what is wrong with you. On some level, these thoughts may be creeping into the back of your mind during and after sex — and carrying the weight of this in your heart is sort of amplifying that in a way.

Regardless of whether you put on weight after leaving your favorite job or any other factor that plays into your depression or insecurities, his lack of communication and the stark decrease in sex isn’t helping anything. This is not all on you and doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you.

You said: “It doesn’t really feel right.”

I have to wonder if what “doesn’t really feel right” is just the sex — or the entire relationship itself.

We ALL deserve to feel loved and adored — inside and outside of the bedroom. Yes, relationships ebb and flow over time and sexual activity can wane here and there. That part is natural to some degree, particularly in long-term relationships.

But what you’re describing sounds like it runs much deeper.

The thing is… your sexual relationship as it stands right now is not helping you, nor is it making you feel good about the relationship or yourself. You mentioned that it’s “only” been like this for a year, but that is a long time to feel this way with no resolution.

And frankly, it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend even wants to resolve it — you said you told him about the crying and he doesn’t seem bothered by it.

He should be. He should be very bothered by it and willing to take the steps to make it better.

You don’t have to answer my question here unless you want to talk about it (and you can), but you should at the very least answer it for yourself — and very truthfully:

What is keeping you in this relationship and is that worth dealing with how it is making you feel?

[Gena G.]

Even outside of the problems with your sex life, your partner should be bothered if you are unhappy and should be open to communication and compromise. It sounds like he isn't and would rather sweep everything under the rug because it's easier but you can't do that forever.

Your partner should want to give you pleasure and should be willing to put in the time and effort to make you happy. If he's not willing to sit down and hear you out and change the behavior that's upsetting you then he's not willing to be in a relationship with you at all. The problems in your relationship may be fixable but if he's not willing to try to fix them then it may be time to move on. A breakup is really hard and it's a lot of pain all at once but staying in a relationship that isn't working is pain over a long period of time. Sometimes it's better to rip off the bandaid.

With the crying I totally get that. You're stressed out and unhappy and sex is intense. I have also experienced that where sex causes all your emotions to hit you at once. Good emotions or bad.

[Kayla Lords]

I hear two things in this....

You're going through your own stuff - gaining weight, feeling depressed, being kind of "out of it" in multiple ways. That's one.

The second is a partner who seems to be at all concerned with how you feel and what you want. That he told you helping you get off "bores" him is sad and a big red flag to me. In relatively healthy, happy relationships, both partners want the other person to be happy, feel good, and get what they need, and they're willing to help work towards that in some way.

So with both of those things going on (and maybe the first is a result of how your partner treats you), it's no wonder you're crying, feeling unhappy, and (by all accounts) feeling dissatisfied.

Others have made really good points and asked some questions I would encourage you to think through. I'll add this...You deserve to be happy in your relationship, and you deserve a partner who wants to participate fully without making you feel like a burden or like you bore them. If this partner can't give you what you deserve and doesn't want to try to do that for you/with you, maybe he's not the one for you. Because, from what you've described, he certainly doesn't sound like he deserves you.

[Wednesday L.F.]

Oh wow, that sounds very difficult. I know that when I was in a similar situation, it was simply taking me a long time to realize that my relationship was over--which I didn't want to admit. I presumed he'd want to try counseling, or maybe a self-help book for couples with productive exercises. Nope--he just wanted what he wanted and wasn't interested in my thoughts.

From what you've said here, you don't sound happy in any aspect of the relationship. That's no way to live. I'd say that if he doesn't want to work on it, you'll be better off on your own. Once you are, you may feel surprisingly liberated and wonder why the heck you waited so long. You deserve to be happy.