Wife Can't Orgasm

[Mr E]

My wife and I have known each other for 10 years. We have been married for 7 years. In the early years of our relationship, we would have some pretty ridiculous sex - she would come three times from intercourse in one session. She never had a clitoral orgasm during this time. After a year or so of dating, we decided to stop having sex until we were married. Fast forward to marriage and I'm beyond dreaming of the old days. Since we've been married, I've only been able to make her come by intercourse one time. After a long dry spell, she's now able to come by clitoral simulation. Why in the world are things so different? Any suggestions on how to bring things back to how they were? Thank you.

[Alison H.]

Hi Mr E,

There could be so many different factors at play, so I’m going to throw out a bunch of them in case any might apply to your wife’s situation.

I’m not sure how old she is, but the first thing that comes to mind is hormonal (whether due to menopause, perimenopause, or even just hormonal fluctuations in general). These can wreak havoc on desire and on a woman’s ability to even have an orgasm.

On that note, the overall condition of a woman’s health can also affect her ability to reach orgasm, too — whether it’s mental health (mood disorders or depression, and/or medications that treat those), past reproductive surgery (if she has had any), and even things like heart disease or other long-term health conditions can have an effect. This is especially true if one is taking meds — medications used to treat different conditions can ABSOLUTELY have an effect on someone’s ability to reach orgasm (for any gender). I imagine that in some ways, this might affect the way she can reach one, too (her clitoris might just be more receptive to stimulation, as opposed to her G-spot, for instance).

Another thing, it could be psychological. The mind is a pretty powerful thing — if she’s struggling with the way she looks at herself (either due to the way she’s changed since she was younger, or even worrying about her own performance in bed), that can create a mental block that can be difficult to overcome. This holds true for men, as well.

All of these things can affect a woman’s ability to orgasm or change the way they’re able to.

One thing that is worth considering, too — are you SURE that she was reaching orgasm in the early years of your relationship? Again, I don’t how old she is now compared to when you first got together, but if she was young (and inexperienced) at the start of your relationship, is it at all possible that she was faking it in the beginning?

I only suggest that because when things were new, she may have been worried about “letting you down” if she didn’t reach orgasm during sex, so she overcompensated by faking multiple orgasms each time. If that is the case, it’s possible that she was only able to come through clitoral stimulation — so she hasn’t “changed” at all, in that way. Or, she only recently discovered that she could reach a real orgasm and it’s through clitoral stimulation.

For what it’s worth, many women DO have to “learn” how to have an orgasm — it doesn’t always come easy (pardon the pun). And that can take a lot of time.

And too, if she was having orgasms in the early days, her body may have changed due to any of the above factors, and she’s had to re-learn how to have one.

[jns]

My wife and I have known each other for 10 years. We have been married for 7 years. In the early years of our relationship, we would have some pretty ridiculous sex - she would come three times from intercourse in one session. She never had a clitoral orgasm during this time. After a year or so of dating, we decided to stop having sex until we were married. Fast forward to marriage and I'm beyond dreaming of the old days. Since we've been married, I've only been able to make her come by intercourse one time. After a long dry spell, she's now able to come by clitoral simulation. Why in the world are things so different? Any suggestions on how to bring things back to how they were? Thank you.

Instead of you setting the rhythm, have you tried to get her to orgasm with her on top setting the rhythm? If normal cowgirl or reverse cowgirl is too tiring, figure out a position that is less straining on her legs. Have her slow down or almost stop if you are approaching orgasm so you can stay hard longer. Maybe a way to work it would be to have her close to a clitoral orgasm before doing the above.

[atskitty2]

Welcome to the forums!
I would agree with Alison's comments, and will add some additional thoughts:
First, I want to clarify what it is you're really driving at with your question. Your title is "Wife Can't Orgasm". In your post, you indicate that she is now having clitoral vs penetrative orgasms, am I right? So, she is having orgasms? And my next question is, is *she* dissatisfied with clitoral orgasms, or are *you* dissatisfied with this difference? This is an important distinction for you to make, I think.

Statistically, most women experience clitoral orgasms almost exclusively, so your wife is not unusual in this. As Alison mentioned, it could be that what she once believed to be the big O, weren't really so at all. That's pure speculation, but I think it's a reasonable conclusion to consider. Another possibility is that she was actually having clitoral orgasms during intercourse. It's possible that the positioning of the anatomy and the right sexual position could have allowed that to happen as well, so it seems to be a vaginal orgasm, but really isn't.

Aside from those details, I would wonder:
Have you added children to the mix? It could be that her body has changed, physically, and her emotional and mental perspective of herself has changed. It could also be that she's concerned about the kids hearing or walking in, or her mind is just simply elsewhere and can't focus, and "let go" enough to fully enjoy sex. Not to mention, hormones!

How about stress? Any career changes or other stressors that could be changing her mental make-up? Children could also be adding to her stress level, in various ways. Never underestimate the effects of stress!

How is your relationship otherwise? Are you both doing things to keep things interesting, both in and out of the bedroom? It could be that she's having an intimacy issue, where she's just not getting her needs fully met, so it's creating a barrier for her. How much are you talking about this issue, outside the bedroom? Have a discussion about it, when it's not sexy time, and see if there's anything that needs to be addressed.

Looking forward to your responses!

[Kayla Lords]

I agree with what's already been advised and would add one thing to think about: Why does it bother you that she doesn't orgasm through penetration? anymore That's a you question more than it's a question about her.

Did you like the sounds she made when she got off during penetration (or appeared to - I'm inclined to agree that there's a chance she was faking it, although it's impossible to know without her confirmation)? Did it make you feel good that having sex with you is what gave her an orgasm?

Thinking about why this bothers you may help you find a direction forward.

If you liked the sounds she made, it's worth a conversation to let her know you like it when she's loud and vocal during sex. Maybe she holds herself back during sex until she reaches the point of orgasm.

Also, if you like being the one to "give" her an orgasm, and what she needs is clitoral stimulation, you can do this (with her consent) - put your hand between your bodies and stroke her clit, hold a vibrator to her clit during penetration, etc, etc. You don't have to be left out of being the reason she's getting off. If she's okay with it, you can help, and you both get what you want and need out of it.

[Wednesday L.F.]

I’d def like to add that pressuring oneself, or feeling pressured by a partner, to reach orgasm can make it much more difficult to achieve one.

[Zoë T.]

Don't get me wrong, orgasms are great, but many times in sex the most special things happen during the journey rather than the destination! During all moments of sex, each intimate touch is special, and rather than trying to achieve orgasm, perhaps it would be more helpful to slow things donw and attempt to see each intimate act it's own thrilling experience.

[Mr E]

Thank you for the insight. As you have said, it could be pretty much anything mentioned above, except faking it. ? If she was faking, she can control her body incredibly well and we wouldn't be having this discussion.

Her chest and face would turn red, she would instantly sweat behind her knees, and she would shake uncontrollably. I don't see how somebody could fake that.

We both would like to learn more about what may have changed. Thanks for the input.

[Little_Man_in_the_Boat]

My wife and I have known each other for 10 years. We have been married for 7 years. In the early years of our relationship, we would have some pretty ridiculous sex - she would come three times from intercourse in one session. She never had a clitoral orgasm during this time. After a year or so of dating, we decided to stop having sex until we were married. Fast forward to marriage and I'm beyond dreaming of the old days. Since we've been married, I've only been able to make her come by intercourse one time. After a long dry spell, she's now able to come by clitoral simulation. Why in the world are things so different? Any suggestions on how to bring things back to how they were? Thank you.

its the same old issues that continue to re-emerge. to achieve orgasm a women needs foreplay. Hours of foreplay before any kind of penetration. People keep grinding the clitoris which does NOT work !! I get so frustrated because people keep doing the same thing expecting a different result from making the same mistakes. if it doesn't work stop doing it. sigh. is this 2022? were supposed to be evolved and intelligent creations !! I hate to say this we are not ! if anything we are getting dumber and more ignorant. I'll say it again ! foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. The g-spot is nonsense. some dude wrote a book to make a bag of money which doesn't do anything except cause discomfort or worse pain. a nice meal on a warm night achieves more than fingering a women trying to do something that is uncomfortable. if you want to know read my other posts im not writing it again.

[Wednesday L.F.]

its the same old issues that continue to re-emerge. to achieve orgasm a women needs foreplay. Hours of foreplay before any kind of penetration. People keep grinding the clitoris which does NOT work !! I get so frustrated because people keep doing the same thing expecting a different result from making the same mistakes. if it doesn't work stop doing it. sigh. is this 2022? were supposed to be evolved and intelligent creations !! I hate to say this we are not ! if anything we are getting dumber and more ignorant. I'll say it again ! foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. The g-spot is nonsense. some dude wrote a book to make a bag of money which doesn't do anything except cause discomfort or worse pain. a nice meal on a warm night achieves more than fingering a women trying to do something that is uncomfortable. if you want to know read my other posts im not writing it again.

I gotta disagree on a few of these statements. But I think this comment demonstrates pretty clearly that different things work for different people--or can be different for the same person at different times.

That's why communication before, during, and after the act are so vital. For the most part, partners can't read your mind. The best way to get what you want is to ask for it.