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Boyfriend won't have sex with me... what do you I do?

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  • Boyfriend won't have sex with me... what do you I do?

    I've been dating a guy for about 5 months now and it's been nice. I have really fallen for him and he says that he loves me too and I can feel how much he does love me. There's only one problem, we still haven't had sex and it's getting a little frustrating. We both have autism so we do struggle with communication at times but this is the first none sex relationship that I have been in and I am a little confused as to what he is thinking or what he wants. A few weeks ago, I tried it on with him but he didn't get an erection, I gave him a hand job and he still came nethertheless. I told him respectfully that if he has a problem getting hard then he can get viagra. At first he said that he would get some but a few weeks passed and I hadn't tried it on sexually again so I felt a bit embarrassed to ask him again as I didn't want to pressure him.

    He is definitely interested in sex as he often makes a lot of sexual jokes to me and he touches my boobs a lot when we kiss, it's just getting down to the real thing that he doesn't seem to be interested in and I know for a fact that he is not gay. A few more weeks passed and I decided to try it on again. We got completely undressed but it's as if he had no clue what to do with me. I asked the question then if he had actually had sex before, and he said yes but not for a long time. Once again, he didn't get an erection, I gave him a hand job but he didn't cum. I brought up the viagra suggestion again and he said OK, but I told him that he needs to be the one to go and buy it, not me, as being in the UK, you need to fill out forms etc.

    I felt a little bad the next day as I felt that I was pressuring him, so I spoke to him and told him that we didn't have to have sex if he doesn't want to and then he told me that he'd think about it.... more weeks have passed and we still haven't had sex and I don't really know what to do.

    There was one occasion when I stayed over the night and he started spooning me and I did feel his erection against me, for the first time. But, I didn't question it and I didn't try it on with him. I ignored it.

    I don't want to keep trying it on with him in fear of making him feel pressured, but at the same time, I need sex in a relationship. I really love the guy and I don't want to give up on him because of sex.

    What do I do?

  • Originally posted by CoxyChicken View Post
    I've been dating a guy for about 5 months now and it's been nice. I have really fallen for him and he says that he loves me too and I can feel how much he does love me. There's only one problem, we still haven't had sex and it's getting a little frustrating. We both have autism so we do struggle with communication at times but this is the first none sex relationship that I have been in and I am a little confused as to what he is thinking or what he wants. A few weeks ago, I tried it on with him but he didn't get an erection, I gave him a hand job and he still came nethertheless. I told him respectfully that if he has a problem getting hard then he can get viagra. At first he said that he would get some but a few weeks passed and I hadn't tried it on sexually again so I felt a bit embarrassed to ask him again as I didn't want to pressure him.

    He is definitely interested in sex as he often makes a lot of sexual jokes to me and he touches my boobs a lot when we kiss, it's just getting down to the real thing that he doesn't seem to be interested in and I know for a fact that he is not gay. A few more weeks passed and I decided to try it on again. We got completely undressed but it's as if he had no clue what to do with me. I asked the question then if he had actually had sex before, and he said yes but not for a long time. Once again, he didn't get an erection, I gave him a hand job but he didn't cum. I brought up the viagra suggestion again and he said OK, but I told him that he needs to be the one to go and buy it, not me, as being in the UK, you need to fill out forms etc.

    I felt a little bad the next day as I felt that I was pressuring him, so I spoke to him and told him that we didn't have to have sex if he doesn't want to and then he told me that he'd think about it.... more weeks have passed and we still haven't had sex and I don't really know what to do.

    There was one occasion when I stayed over the night and he started spooning me and I did feel his erection against me, for the first time. But, I didn't question it and I didn't try it on with him. I ignored it.

    I don't want to keep trying it on with him in fear of making him feel pressured, but at the same time, I need sex in a relationship. I really love the guy and I don't want to give up on him because of sex.

    What do I do?
    Hello and welcome to the forum!

    It seems to me that you are doing precisely what one should do when in these types of situations: TALK.

    It would be best if you had a detailed discussion with him again. Maybe he's too shy to express his sexual feelings to you? or what if he has some trauma attached to the whole experience of having sex?

    Communication and patience would be vital to solving your issues.

    Do let us know what happens.

    Best of luck!

    Comment


    • Originally posted by CoxyChicken View Post
      I've been dating a guy for about 5 months now and it's been nice. I have really fallen for him and he says that he loves me too and I can feel how much he does love me. There's only one problem, we still haven't had sex and it's getting a little frustrating. We both have autism so we do struggle with communication at times but this is the first none sex relationship that I have been in and I am a little confused as to what he is thinking or what he wants. A few weeks ago, I tried it on with him but he didn't get an erection, I gave him a hand job and he still came nethertheless. I told him respectfully that if he has a problem getting hard then he can get viagra. At first he said that he would get some but a few weeks passed and I hadn't tried it on sexually again so I felt a bit embarrassed to ask him again as I didn't want to pressure him.

      He is definitely interested in sex as he often makes a lot of sexual jokes to me and he touches my boobs a lot when we kiss, it's just getting down to the real thing that he doesn't seem to be interested in and I know for a fact that he is not gay. A few more weeks passed and I decided to try it on again. We got completely undressed but it's as if he had no clue what to do with me. I asked the question then if he had actually had sex before, and he said yes but not for a long time. Once again, he didn't get an erection, I gave him a hand job but he didn't cum. I brought up the viagra suggestion again and he said OK, but I told him that he needs to be the one to go and buy it, not me, as being in the UK, you need to fill out forms etc.

      I felt a little bad the next day as I felt that I was pressuring him, so I spoke to him and told him that we didn't have to have sex if he doesn't want to and then he told me that he'd think about it.... more weeks have passed and we still haven't had sex and I don't really know what to do.

      There was one occasion when I stayed over the night and he started spooning me and I did feel his erection against me, for the first time. But, I didn't question it and I didn't try it on with him. I ignored it.

      I don't want to keep trying it on with him in fear of making him feel pressured, but at the same time, I need sex in a relationship. I really love the guy and I don't want to give up on him because of sex.

      What do I do?
      Welcome CoxyChicken . I think you are dealing with his inexperience and his unsureness. It is also possible that he has mostly self pleasured so he doesn't know how to react to a real live woman. Being very unsure of himself could be the reason he doesn't have an erection. Being very far into unfamiliar territory, maybe fear and/or anxiety are replacing assuredness and sexy thoughts. When you stayed overnight and he was initiating, he did have an erection. Try to get back to this place as a way to get him to open up. Work on encouraging him to go forward if that is what you want. Viagra can work in some situations but it is not a cure all. Since a lot of this is probably from inexperience, guide him in his actions so you can enjoy yourself, too.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • Hi there and welcome to the forum!

        If his lack of erections and arousal stems from insecurity, uncertainty, and/or a lack of experience, it's likely going to take some time and patience for him to grow more comfortable with partnered sex. To the extent that you're willing and able, take things slowly and keep talking about it. I can definitely understand not wanting to feel like you're pressuring him, so try asking more questions, as well:

        What is it he'd like to do? Is there anything he's nervous about? Does he have any fantasies he's willing to share?

        And share your own feelings on these kinds of questions, as well. Plus, check in with him and let him know you want to know if he feels pressured or overwhelmed by the conversations you're having about sex.

        If he tells you he's aroused and wants you but has trouble with getting or maintaining an erection, he may need to talk to his doctor about it. Lack of erection can definitely come from stress or uncertainty, but if his mind is willing but his body won't cooperate, there could be an underlying reason -- medication, other health issues, etc.

        After all that, though, if nothing changes or you're not having a satisfying sex life, it's valid (although painful) to decide the relationship can't continue. Sexual incompatibility is sometimes difficult or impossible to overcome.

        Comment


        • I agree with the others that communication needs to be the priority here. Firstly, you don't say that you've ever actually asked him if he's ready to move into a sexual relationship with you. Have you actually discussed whether he was ready to be sexual or not? You say that you know he's interested because he makes sexual jokes and touches your breasts? Well, that doesn't mean he's ready for intercourse. It is best to ask, and I absolutely think there's a good chance that he's feeling pressured and is unable to really express himself to you in a meaningful and patient way. My current boyfriend wasn't ready for penetrative sex for many months after we started dating. You've been together for 5 months. For some people, they need a little longer to build that bond in which to express themselves sexually. We talked about it early, and he let me know when he was ready.

          What meds are you both on for your autism? It could be that some of the meds could be affecting his physical functions.
          In that vein, how well controlled is his autism? That may also be affecting his ability to connect with you and be ready for a sexual relationship.

          Also, some men don't prefer the woman to be the initiator all the time. It could be that he perceives you to be aggressive and you're taking away his ability to be the pursuer. I don't know - just an idea, but it sounds like you're applying a fair amount of pressure on him, encouraging him to use a medication after only a couple tries. He may be feeling a little inadequate already. How old is he?

          You said that you need sex in a relationship. If you can't wait to see if this works itself out, then it's ok to move on. Sexual incompatibility is a real thing, and if you are unable, or unwilling to see this through, then there's nothing wrong with moving on to someone that shares your need for sexual expression.
          All the best to you both.

          Comment

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