Uneven Marriage Power Dynamic, Bringing it back into balance via Dominant Sex / Femdom / Pegging

[Nina O]

Hello Everyone, Long time lurker, first time poster!

I am married female 42yo, I have a 19 year old daughter (from a previous relationship) and have been with my husband for just over 10 years. We have a very unequal relationship when it comes to "Power", we each pull our own weight but since my husband earns 100% of the income, he owns our house and most assets, and is very good looking, his ego gets a bit out of hand sometimes and he makes almost all the choices. I don't consider myself a pushover, its just how it seems to have gotten comfortable, and to be honest, I never really had an issue with that till recently.

My daughter who is attending college is a beautiful young woman who seems to always pick the wrong men since she started dating 3 or 4 years ago. Her last boyfriend took the cake, he is many years older than her ( 28 ) which I do not have a problem with, but he has an EGO the size of a house and apparently is endowed the same. Anyways, they have been dating for 8 months now, for the first 6 months it was a train-wreck from almost day 1. He openly flirted with other girls, he treated her horribly and put her down every chance he got. I had a talk with her and so did her friends but it didn't matter, Love is Love and young love has blinders. That all changed about 2 months ago, when they came over on the weekend and he seemed like a completely different person. He opened doors for her, pulled her chair out at the table, and let her actually speak. I actually thought for a moment he was on drugs. But he has been over a few more times over the last month and he just seemed to have gotten better and better. I finally asked my daughter what is going on, and last weekend she revealed to me her secret.

Apparently in college there is a new thing called " Pegging " in which the girl wears a dildo and has anal sex with the guy. First question I asked and she confirmed , he is very straight, never even kissed a guy let alone slept with a guy so it's not a bisexual thing as far as I know, but she told me when she is "doing it to him" she becomes very dominant and powerful and he turns very female and submissive. She says while doing this she also does various other sexually dominating and what sounds sort of degrading things to him, basically embarrassing him and treating him with disrespect. She said this changed him almost instantly, he started being nice as soon as he woke up the next day and it just continues. She ONLY does this in the bedroom, they look like a normal in love teenage couple everywhere they go but I guess in between the sheets she puts her stick up his wazoo and all becomes well in the world.

So here I am asking for anyone that knows anything about this, it sounded kinky to me like BDSM and then i was worried about it being abuse, but it seems to be working for her, and it made me start thinking.... should / could I do this in my marriage to take back some of that power? My husband and I are pretty boring under the sheets and i've never put anything in his wazoo except once my finger accidentally rubbed around his hole while i was performing oral on him and he didn't turn away, so I am not sure how this would go over with him but thought i would ask you all first before i started driving down that road.

[Nina O]

I forgot to add, she calls this " Femdom" but my attempts at googling Femdom led me down a rabbit hole of women asking men for money, but they all do seem to be wearing fake penises when they do so, so I am not sure if that is the right terminology.

[JennyA]

We were just discussing this in another post in this forum. I am glad this hear this seems to be working for your daughter, and yes it is becoming more and more popular. Femdom is the correct term it sounds like it, and Pegging can be a part of Femdom. This is not BDSM, BDSM ( when used as therapy ) deals usually with inflicting pain to conquer walls, and with Femdom it involves inflicting humiliation to conquer walls ( when used as therapy ).

Your husband allowing you to enter him with a phalic object is almost an instant reversal of power, probably a much quicker and more effective way at reversing power than anything else you could do. When you do such a thing in a sexual way, all sorts of chemicals are released that can help with re-programming.

[Nina O]

Femdom it involves inflicting humiliation to conquer walls ( when used as therapy ).

Is it wrong that I just got very excited about the idea of humiliating and shoving a dildo up my husband's rear-end? How do I begin? And what exactly does humiliation entail?

[Kayla Lords]

As long your daughter and her partner have clear communication, full consent, understand any potential risks, and either have the ability to stop at any point, then what they're doing in their relationship is healthy and good for them. Pegging alone doesn't have to be kinky or part of BDSM, and it's not part of every FemDom relationship, but it's definitely a common part in relationships like this where a woman is dominant and the man is submissive.

And no, pegging doesn't say anything about sexuality, although plenty of people mistakenly believe it does.

As to your question on how to try this with your husband, you're going to have to talk to him. How you start and continue that conversation depends on what will best get his attention and get him to listen, especially based on how you described him in your original post. Is he open to talking about sexual fantasies? Watching porn together (FemDom porn definitely exists)? If your relationship doesn't currently have open, honest conversations about any topic, but definitely sex, that may be the difficult part.

And no, it's not wrong at all to be excited about the idea of ****ing your husband but IF he's interested, that likely won't be where you begin.

Some terms to look up and learn about online (and there are tons of BDSM sites, YouTube channels, podcasts, and books to learn from): pegging (we have an article here on WHI: https://www.womens-health.com/pegging), FemDom, erotic humiliation or humiliation play, Dominance and submission, female-led relationships. (Full disclosure, while I write for WHI, I also co-host a podcast on Dominance and submission called Loving BDSM.)

If communication isn't easy for either of you, I definitely recommend reading a book called Tongue-Tied by Stella Harris. It only has one chapter about kinks but the entire book is wonderful for figuring out how to talk about desires in general.

Also, if FemDom really intrigues you, look for groups online -- Fetlife is a popular kink social media platform with groups to learn from. Because a woman's experience as a Dominant partner can be very different from a man's, and it's helpful to talk to people who can relate.

Hope some of that helps!

[Nina O]

Also, if FemDom really intrigues you, look for groups online -- Fetlife is a popular kink social media platform with groups to learn from. Because a woman's experience as a Dominant partner can be very different from a man's, and it's helpful to talk to people who can relate.

Hope some of that helps!

Thank you Kayla for this excellent advice and the suggestion for Fetlife, I went over there and met a wonderful professional dom guide and she gave me a lot of information. I had "the talk" with my husband about my desire to peg him and he wanted nothing to do with it, which the dom foreshadowed, and the dom offered to come to our house ( she was in the next city over ) and experience this together with us, and just like the dom predicted as soon as I went back to my husband and told him that I met a woman that wanted to join us in pegging him suddenly he was all for it. Men. so predictable I guess.

So I am conversing with the Dom on what we are going to do, as you can imagine my husband has visions of a threesome with another woman but the Dom is very adamant that we use his fantasy as a tool to shift the power, basically we both will be wearing strapons and it will be 2 dicks against 1. I really am looking forward to this, It looks like it will be next week.

[JennyA]

Nina, hiring a Dominant therapist ( I prefer to call dominatrix therapists because in essence that is what they are ) to help you is a terrific idea to help you shift the power dynamic, and if she is strong will help you with confidence during the process if you start to feel like you are loosing control if your husband starts to try and force his masculinity into the situation. From my experience after you insert your strap on into his rear all his resistance should immediately shift, it is a pretty powerful moment that you will likely remember for the rest of your life. There is a lot of pre and post actions that your therapist will surely go over with you to round out the experience but good luck and let us know how it goes!

[Nina O]

Nina, hiring a Dominant therapist ( I prefer to call dominatrix therapists because in essence that is what they are ) to help you is a terrific idea to help you shift the power dynamic, and if she is strong will help you with confidence during the process if you start to feel like you are loosing control if your husband starts to try and force his masculinity into the situation. From my experience after you insert your strap on into his rear all his resistance should immediately shift, it is a pretty powerful moment that you will likely remember for the rest of your life. There is a lot of pre and post actions that your therapist will surely go over with you to round out the experience but good luck and let us know how it goes!

Yes! She is very good she has gone over the night with me, she needs to go out of town next week so we are going to do it tonight! I have already went to a very seedy xxx store in the very bad part of town to get my strap on, I am wearing it now!

Apart from sticking this dildo in him where the sun don't shine which has me very excited, we are going to make him take off his clothes, spank him, make him walk around like a dog, all sorts of degrading things that should make him feel like he has very little power.

My husband I think still has some fantasy in his mind that he gets to bang us both in some high-school threesome fantasy, he knows that we both are going to be wearing dildos and use them on him but I think that isn't computing with him, he is very homophobic, so I think it may be a denial thing for him and I think you are right once we put it in him that homophobia is going to come right to the surface and mess with his brain, the Dom says we should call him gay and a homo during it all which is just splendid. I cannot wait for tonight I feel like a teenager again! if nothing eventful even happens tonight, this whole lead up has changed me, I feel a lot stronger already.

[JennyA]

he is very homophobic, so I think it may be a denial thing for him and I think you are right once we put it in him that homophobia is going to come right to the surface and mess with his brain,

Yes, if your husband is homophobic and does have negative feelings about the general gay population, once he has a fake penis enter inside him and he gets hard from that anal penetration, that really is going to be a psychological adjustment for him. It is a form of humiliation and if he has made disparaging comments about gay people in the past trust me he will no longer do that. All of this is very psychological, and in my honest opinion one of the most effective forms of therapy there is.

As traumatic as this may seem during the process, remember after care is very important, you two should be alone afterwards and find time for lots of cuddling and make sure you have as much discussion about what just happened as you can, he may want to forget about the entire thing if you were successful but communication is not just a reminder of the reality but also very healing on many levels.

[JennyA]

To add, and you probably are not ready to hear this part, but there are many deeper steps to this entire process. I know the power dynamic is your primary goal here, but after you feel like you have captured that power back , if you really want to move onto other things such as breaking his homophobia you can also have a man over to enter him. This is not for everyone and a bit advanced, but since you did mention his homophobia it does seem like it bothers you and him engaging in actual sex with another man is a part of femdom that your therapist may be able to help you logistically sort out if that interests you.