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  • My first threesome has left me confused

    Last night I had my first threesome. This was mainly my husband's fantasy, I wasn't keen for fear of rocking the boat but he wouldn't stop going on about it.

    We were both virgins when we got together, discovered sex together and then got engaged and married. Neither of us has ever slept with anyone else, which I know is not always ideal in terms of figuring out what works and what doesn't, but I thought things were pretty good between us sexually.

    I never felt the need to experiment and I thought my husband felt the same, but since having kids he's been wanting to try new stuff all the time. I tried to remain open minded and went along with role play and some kinky stuff, some of it is ok and I quite enjoy but a lot of it to be honest I only do for him. If I'm being totally honest I get a lot more pleasure from masturbation than from anything I do with him, I know it sounds bad but that's the truth.

    He began to mention the threesome thing during the second Covid lockdown. At first I didn't take much notice and almost laughed it off thinking he was just going stir crazy like most people at that time. But then normal life resumed and the mentions of threesomes didn't go away, in fact they got more frequent.

    In the end we had a proper chat about it, I asked him if he was serious about the threesome and he said he was. His idea was to involve another woman, I was a bit uncomfortable with that but he said I could choose anyone I wanted, and if I didn't want him to have intercourse with her he wouldn't, she could mainly play with me and he'd just watch and pleasure me.

    I still wasn't 100% convinced but I agreed to look up some online profiles. I immediately felt put off, to me they all looked like hookers and in fact I'm convinced most of them were, if not all of them. There was no way I was going to invite a sex worker round to our house and told him so.

    He then said how about inviting a friend of mine, as if I would ever do that. Can you imagine? That was a non starter.

    I was checking out some other profiles and realised that the only ones that looked genuine were the male profiles. Then it dawned on me: I thought 'what would he say if I suggested a guy instead?'

    It wasn't that I especially wanted that, in actual fact the idea terrified me, but I was convinced that by saying that I'd call his bluff. He wouldn't want another guy anywhere near me, so he'd stop asking about threesomes.

    His initial reaction was exactly what I'd hoped for, he said he'd have to think about it as it wasn't 'the scenario he'd envisaged' and for a few days the matter seemed to have been dropped, much to my relief. But then one night he told me he'd decided he wanted to give that scenario a try. I was shocked. I asked 'would you want to play with the guy?' and he was like 'absolutely not, I wouldn't go near him' so I said 'then that would mean he’d have to play with me'. He said he knew that and he thought he could go along with it.

    It totally took me by surprise. Being the one who'd suggested it, I felt I couldn't back down at that point. We started looking at male profiles and made a kind of shortlist, then paid for the premium membership and sent a few messages.

    Over the next few nights we exchanged messages with something like 20 different men, quickly ruled out most of them based on those conversations and ended up with just two "candidates". The whole thing felt totally surreal and I guess I still thought it was all just a game we were playing. My husband was so excited by the whole process and we had some of the best sex we'd ever had after fantasising about one of those guys being in bed with us.

    Then he started insisting I pick one so he could meet up with him and "vet him" before anything happened with me. That's when things suddenly got very real. Before I knew it, he'd arranged a meeting with my top pick. He came back all excited, saying the guy seemed really genuine, polite, well spoken, trustworthy and all that. Then he said 'if it's alright with you, he'd like to come round next weekend'.

    It all seemed so sudden, I know I should not have given into that sort of pressure, we should have talked things through for a bit longer, but on the other hand I could see that he was never going to back down, so maybe I should just bite the bullet. I agreed and arranged for our kids to spend the following weekend at my mum's.

    The day was yesterday and I still felt totally unprepared, but I kind of fed off my husband's excitement.


    To be fair the guy was really nice and not at all like the sex maniac I was worried he might be. We all sat and chatted and the vibe was really good, we had a few drinks and I began to relax.
    Long story short (sorry I’m not going to go into any sordid details) the sex turned out to be amazing. And I mean, really really amazing. I did my best to keep my husband involved and so did the guy, he was letting my husband get his fair share so to speak, but that was exactly the problem. When the guy was inside me, everything felt amazing in a way I’d never experienced. I can’t even say exactly what the difference was, I don’t think size was the issue, it was more to do with how he “handled me” and how he was able to read exactly what I wanted, what speed and intensity without me even having to say anything.

    Whenever my husband took over, I immediately lost my arousal and things felt “wrong” again. I found myself wanting more and more to just play with the guy but felt ashamed of my feelings and tried to hide them from my husband. I basically hid most of the orgasms the guy gave me and faked some with my husband just so he’d feel like things were even which I know sounds crazy.
    I’m now left thinking that the sex we’ve been having all these years hasn’t been very good at all. I had no idea sex could feel that good, better even than masturbating which is something I never thought I’d say.

    My husband asked me a lot of questions after the guy had left, like ‘how good did he feel inside you’ and ‘how many times did he make you cum’ and I totally lied, I said it just felt different, no better no worse, just different. But it was better, like ten times better. I said I'd maybe cum once or twice but I wasn't sure. I can't believe he didn't even question that, as if I wouldn't know exactly how many times. It was six.

    How do I break it gently to him that we need to seriously look at how we do things? Or could it be that I’m just not capable of feeling that way with my husband? The thought scares me so much I don’t even want to consider it.

    I really don’t want to hurt his feelings, but is it selfish to want the same kind of pleasure from my partner that I experienced last night with a total stranger?

    Sorry for the long post.

  • Originally posted by jane86 View Post
    Last night I had my first threesome. This was mainly my husband's fantasy, I wasn't keen for fear of rocking the boat but he wouldn't stop going on about it.

    We were both virgins when we got together, discovered sex together and then got engaged and married. Neither of us has ever slept with anyone else, which I know is not always ideal in terms of figuring out what works and what doesn't, but I thought things were pretty good between us sexually.

    I never felt the need to experiment and I thought my husband felt the same, but since having kids he's been wanting to try new stuff all the time. I tried to remain open minded and went along with role play and some kinky stuff, some of it is ok and I quite enjoy but a lot of it to be honest I only do for him. If I'm being totally honest I get a lot more pleasure from masturbation than from anything I do with him, I know it sounds bad but that's the truth.

    He began to mention the threesome thing during the second Covid lockdown. At first I didn't take much notice and almost laughed it off thinking he was just going stir crazy like most people at that time. But then normal life resumed and the mentions of threesomes didn't go away, in fact they got more frequent.

    In the end we had a proper chat about it, I asked him if he was serious about the threesome and he said he was. His idea was to involve another woman, I was a bit uncomfortable with that but he said I could choose anyone I wanted, and if I didn't want him to have intercourse with her he wouldn't, she could mainly play with me and he'd just watch and pleasure me.

    I still wasn't 100% convinced but I agreed to look up some online profiles. I immediately felt put off, to me they all looked like hookers and in fact I'm convinced most of them were, if not all of them. There was no way I was going to invite a sex worker round to our house and told him so.

    He then said how about inviting a friend of mine, as if I would ever do that. Can you imagine? That was a non starter.

    I was checking out some other profiles and realised that the only ones that looked genuine were the male profiles. Then it dawned on me: I thought 'what would he say if I suggested a guy instead?'

    It wasn't that I especially wanted that, in actual fact the idea terrified me, but I was convinced that by saying that I'd call his bluff. He wouldn't want another guy anywhere near me, so he'd stop asking about threesomes.

    His initial reaction was exactly what I'd hoped for, he said he'd have to think about it as it wasn't 'the scenario he'd envisaged' and for a few days the matter seemed to have been dropped, much to my relief. But then one night he told me he'd decided he wanted to give that scenario a try. I was shocked. I asked 'would you want to play with the guy?' and he was like 'absolutely not, I wouldn't go near him' so I said 'then that would mean he’d have to play with me'. He said he knew that and he thought he could go along with it.

    It totally took me by surprise. Being the one who'd suggested it, I felt I couldn't back down at that point. We started looking at male profiles and made a kind of shortlist, then paid for the premium membership and sent a few messages.

    Over the next few nights we exchanged messages with something like 20 different men, quickly ruled out most of them based on those conversations and ended up with just two "candidates". The whole thing felt totally surreal and I guess I still thought it was all just a game we were playing. My husband was so excited by the whole process and we had some of the best sex we'd ever had after fantasising about one of those guys being in bed with us.

    Then he started insisting I pick one so he could meet up with him and "vet him" before anything happened with me. That's when things suddenly got very real. Before I knew it, he'd arranged a meeting with my top pick. He came back all excited, saying the guy seemed really genuine, polite, well spoken, trustworthy and all that. Then he said 'if it's alright with you, he'd like to come round next weekend'.

    It all seemed so sudden, I know I should not have given into that sort of pressure, we should have talked things through for a bit longer, but on the other hand I could see that he was never going to back down, so maybe I should just bite the bullet. I agreed and arranged for our kids to spend the following weekend at my mum's.

    The day was yesterday and I still felt totally unprepared, but I kind of fed off my husband's excitement.


    To be fair the guy was really nice and not at all like the sex maniac I was worried he might be. We all sat and chatted and the vibe was really good, we had a few drinks and I began to relax.
    Long story short (sorry I’m not going to go into any sordid details) the sex turned out to be amazing. And I mean, really really amazing. I did my best to keep my husband involved and so did the guy, he was letting my husband get his fair share so to speak, but that was exactly the problem. When the guy was inside me, everything felt amazing in a way I’d never experienced. I can’t even say exactly what the difference was, I don’t think size was the issue, it was more to do with how he “handled me” and how he was able to read exactly what I wanted, what speed and intensity without me even having to say anything.

    Whenever my husband took over, I immediately lost my arousal and things felt “wrong” again. I found myself wanting more and more to just play with the guy but felt ashamed of my feelings and tried to hide them from my husband. I basically hid most of the orgasms the guy gave me and faked some with my husband just so he’d feel like things were even which I know sounds crazy.
    I’m now left thinking that the sex we’ve been having all these years hasn’t been very good at all. I had no idea sex could feel that good, better even than masturbating which is something I never thought I’d say.

    My husband asked me a lot of questions after the guy had left, like ‘how good did he feel inside you’ and ‘how many times did he make you cum’ and I totally lied, I said it just felt different, no better no worse, just different. But it was better, like ten times better. I said I'd maybe cum once or twice but I wasn't sure. I can't believe he didn't even question that, as if I wouldn't know exactly how many times. It was six.

    How do I break it gently to him that we need to seriously look at how we do things? Or could it be that I’m just not capable of feeling that way with my husband? The thought scares me so much I don’t even want to consider it.

    I really don’t want to hurt his feelings, but is it selfish to want the same kind of pleasure from my partner that I experienced last night with a total stranger?

    Sorry for the long post.
    Welcome to WH Interactive Forums. Someone new will often cause a much higher sexual response than someone familiar. Further, the new guy has probably had more experience at figuring out what women like. Another point is that he was probably confident in what he was doing. That being said, if your husband is willing, you both should be able to begin an adventure of learning how to turn the other one on, now that you know that there is something more to learn. Maybe role playing would help.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • Originally posted by jns View Post

      Welcome to WH Interactive Forums. Someone new will often cause a much higher sexual response than someone familiar. Further, the new guy has probably had more experience at figuring out what women like. Another point is that he was probably confident in what he was doing. That being said, if your husband is willing, you both should be able to begin an adventure of learning how to turn the other one on, now that you know that there is something more to learn. Maybe role playing would help.
      We've done some role playing and I generally do enjoy it, especially when we pretend we've only just met or that I'm still a virgin and he's teaching me about sex, that sort of thing. But this was different, yes I was turned on by the situation but I know it wasn't just psychological, there was something physically different about the feeling of the guy's penis inside me. Visually his erection didn't look bigger than my husband's but once inside me I could feel it so intensely, like every single thrust sent electric shocks up my spine. And then like I said he could just read my thoughts and change speed and positions exactly as I needed. I came six times but to be honest I could have cum a lot more. The first time he penetrated me I came in under a minute which for me in unthinkable, I had to hide it because I thought my husband would be mortified, it usually takes him half an hour to get me there, when I don't just give up and fake it.

      Every time I had the guy inside me, regardless what the position was (we did a few different ones with him on top) I had to physically slow myself down by biting my lips to the point I was tasting blood, just so I wouldn't keep cumming. I can't stress enough how bizarre that felt. I thought about riding him to see whether me being in control would change things, but I'd previously decided I wouldn't do that, I felt cowgirl would appear too keen and embarrass my husband. Now I wish I'd tried it.

      Even if I wanted to gently guide my husband to replicate what the guy did, I wouldn't know where to start because I genuinely can't pinpoint what the difference was. Of course I know it wasn't all about his penis, there was the sensation of a different body on top of mine, different muscles, different smells, even his face which looked so calm and in control. My husband tends to put on a bit of a "sex face", like he's so grateful to be getting laid, which is a total turn-off for me. But it's not the kind of thing I can say to him, I know he can't help it.

      With the guy, I was the one who felt grateful, in fact thinking back now I'm sure I was thanking him with my eyes the whole time. Now I'm worried my husband might have seen that, though he hasn't mentioned it. I never kissed him as we'd agreed beforehand that was not allowed, but the way I held him and gazed into is eyes felt almost like kissing him. I'm horrified now thinking back, but what he was doing felt so good and I couldn't say it with my voice for fear of humiliating my husband, so I was saying it with my eyes. Crap.

      He asked a lot more questions last night, I think the jealousy only fully hit him yesterday, whereas straight after the event he seemed ok, even elated.

      I'll be honest, I mostly lied, really downplaying how good the guy was. I ended up saying 'I'm not sure I even really came with him'. Was that the wring thing to do? We're usually honest with each other, but in this case I felt honesty would just hurt him. But if I don't tell him the truth, how can we ever begin to make changes, to explore different ways of doing things?

      Right now all I want is another threesome with that guy, but I daren't mention it. My husband keeps saying it was a good experience, but hasn't gone as far as to say he wants to repeat it. That in itself makes me think that he knows deep inside how much pleasure I derived from it, and he's scared. In a way so am I.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by jane86 View Post
        Was that the wrong thing to do?
        is what I actually meant, sorry about the typo but it won't let me edit.

        Comment


        • Originally posted by jane86 View Post
          We've done some role playing and I generally do enjoy it, especially when we pretend we've only just met or that I'm still a virgin and he's teaching me about sex, that sort of thing. But this was different, yes I was turned on by the situation but I know it wasn't just psychological, there was something physically different about the feeling of the guy's penis inside me. Visually his erection didn't look bigger than my husband's but once inside me I could feel it so intensely, like every single thrust sent electric shocks up my spine. And then like I said he could just read my thoughts and change speed and positions exactly as I needed. I came six times but to be honest I could have cum a lot more. The first time he penetrated me I came in under a minute which for me in unthinkable, I had to hide it because I thought my husband would be mortified, it usually takes him half an hour to get me there, when I don't just give up and fake it.
          Every time I had the guy inside me, regardless what the position was (we did a few different ones with him on top) I had to physically slow myself down by biting my lips to the point I was tasting blood, just so I wouldn't keep cumming. I can't stress enough how bizarre that felt. I thought about riding him to see whether me being in control would change things, but I'd previously decided I wouldn't do that, I felt cowgirl would appear too keen and embarrass my husband. Now I wish I'd tried it.
          Even if I wanted to gently guide my husband to replicate what the guy did, I wouldn't know where to start because I genuinely can't pinpoint what the difference was. Of course I know it wasn't all about his penis, there was the sensation of a different body on top of mine, different muscles, different smells, even his face which looked so calm and in control. My husband tends to put on a bit of a "sex face", like he's so grateful to be getting laid, which is a total turn-off for me. But it's not the kind of thing I can say to him, I know he can't help it.
          With the guy, I was the one who felt grateful, in fact thinking back now I'm sure I was thanking him with my eyes the whole time. Now I'm worried my husband might have seen that, though he hasn't mentioned it. I never kissed him as we'd agreed beforehand that was not allowed, but the way I held him and gazed into is eyes felt almost like kissing him. I'm horrified now thinking back, but what he was doing felt so good and I couldn't say it with my voice for fear of humiliating my husband, so I was saying it with my eyes. Crap.
          He asked a lot more questions last night, I think the jealousy only fully hit him yesterday, whereas straight after the event he seemed ok, even elated.
          I'll be honest, I mostly lied, really downplaying how good the guy was. I ended up saying 'I'm not sure I even really came with him'. Was that the wring thing to do? We're usually honest with each other, but in this case I felt honesty would just hurt him. But if I don't tell him the truth, how can we ever begin to make changes, to explore different ways of doing things?
          Right now all I want is another threesome with that guy, but I daren't mention it. My husband keeps saying it was a good experience, but hasn't gone as far as to say he wants to repeat it. That in itself makes me think that he knows deep inside how much pleasure I derived from it, and he's scared. In a way so am I.
          Right now you need to process everything. I can understand your husband wanting to know what you felt at every step but I also understand that you need to process everything without interference. Know that part of it is your hormones being released in great amounts and the aftermath is a depression like state if you cannot repeat it. Sort of chasing the dragon from being high on an addictive substance which in this case is completely natural. About role playing, could your husband play a more dominant and maybe a bit rough roll? Would you buy into it or would you just think that he is just playing and that is not his normal self? Confidence is very sexy and it sounds like it is something that you like in a sex partner.
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          ...
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

          Comment


          • Originally posted by jns View Post
            About role playing, could your husband play a more dominant and maybe a bit rough roll? Would you buy into it or would you just think that he is just playing and that is not his normal self? Confidence is very sexy and it sounds like it is something that you like in a sex partner.
            When we role play he's usually dominant, like he's a sex therapist or a seasoned lover and I'm a young and innocent virgin. He knows that turns me on. Also I know this sounds terrible but sometimes we play with rape scenarios where he's "forcing himself on me" but of course it's just a game. I don't know why that turns me on, it's probably wrong in all sorts of ways but it works.

            So that sort of stuff gets me all fired up, but then when we come to the physical act I never experience the sort of bliss I felt the other night.

            Meanwhile my husband keeps asking questions. I was right to be worried about the way I was looking at the guy, last night we were talking about the experience again and he said to me 'I can't stop thinking about the way you were looking at him, it was like you were in love with him'. I tried my best to reassure him, said 'it wasn't like that, it was just to encourage him when he was making me feel good' but that comment just backfired because then he went 'I thought I made you feel good too but you never look at me like that'. I said he was being silly and of course he makes me feel good too but I think he's figured out that what I felt with the guy was better.

            Maybe it's a good thing that he's realised that? I mean without me actually saying it and hurting his feelings, but maybe this will make him think about how we do stuff and what he might be able to learn from someone more experienced.

            He asked me in what way he made me feel good and I didn't know how to explain it, I just said 'well, you know, his movements and his speed were good' but it sounded stupid and I don't think it would have helped him in any way. I realise I'm just as inexperienced as he is, I don't know how to guide him.

            I just wish we could repeat the experience and next time maybe he'd watch the guy more carefully and try to get some "tips" so to speak. I think next time I'd allow myself to be more vocal when the guy is inside me, so my husband knows when certain things he's doing are working for me.

            But I still haven't dared ask for a repeat. Meanwhile the guy has messaged us to say he had a great time and he'd love to do it again some time, he didn't specifically suggest a date so maybe he's giving us time to digest things and letting us make the next move. Husband said let's wait a bit and anyway he's not the only guy out there, maybe we should try others but I'd much rather see him again, at least we know he's really good. Well, I know anyway!

            Comment


            • Ok so I got myself into a bit of a situation here.

              My husband and I had sex last night, first time since the threesome and I didn't get much pleasure at all even though I could tell he was trying his best, changed positions more often than normal and was kissing me a lot, but to me it ended up looking and feeling desperate rather than a turn-on. I actually felt irritated and in my head decided I wasn't going to fake an orgasm like I usually do, just to make him feel better.

              In the end he came and I finished myself off with my fingers, but afterwards he started asking if I was ok and why I hadn't cum with him, I told him I just wasn't feeling it. He looked upset by that remark and I felt a bit guilty but at the same time annoyed because all week whenever I tried to talk about the threesome or told him the guy had messaged us again, he kept changing subject.

              We kept talking and he asked if I thought things had changed for me because of the threesome. I told him I didn't feel any different towards him if that's what he meant, I loved him just the same. I was about to say something like 'but I'd really like to have that experience again' but he cut me off by saying 'maybe it was a mistake. Things were fine the way they were, why risk jeopardising what we have?' then he was like 'sorry, it was all my fault for suggesting it, I shouldn't have done it'.

              I felt so disappointed, angry even, I felt like saying 'no, it wasn't a mistake, I loved it and things weren't fine the way they were' but I knew I couldn't say that, so I told him we hadn't ruined anything and it was me, maybe I was just tired. What a coward I am. That was my opportunity to tell him how I really felt, but I couldn't do it. Now I know he's never going to let anyone else into our bedroom.

              Thing is, we'd taken the guy's mobile number and I felt really bad that he'd sent us several messages through the dating site and we hadn't replied cause my husband kept saying 'let's wait', I wanted to at least explain things to him so today I sent him an SMS saying 'I'm really sorry but I think M. (my husband) has changed his mind about the whole threesome thing. I'm gutted tbh cause I had an amazing time' and ended with a sad emoji and a kiss. I don't know why I added the kiss as kissing was the one thing we hadn't done.

              He replied straight away with (and I quote) 'I'm gutted too, I think you're beautiful and I think you still have a lot to discover about yourself. Your OH is a good guy but if you don't mind me saying he's got a lot to learn. Whatever you do please don't settle for less than you deserve. I'm always here if you need me'.

              I don't know what came over me but before I knew it I'd texted back 'I do feel like I'm settling for less. And I do feel like I need you'. I felt such a rush of adrenaline sending that text because I knew full well what it meant.

              His reply was 'Well I'm here for you any time you want. You know I'm discreet and you know you can trust me'.

              I texted 'Can I? How do I know?' and he replied 'Because you saw it in my eyes. Didn't you?'

              I felt another rush of adrenaline and texted 'I did'.

              We exchanged a lot more texts, I won't paste them all but basically he made it clear he'd be up for some one to one fun, no strings attached. I got more and more carried away and by the end I'd pretty much agreed to it. In the end I said I'd let him know when would be a good time.

              I know what people are going to say, that starting an affair isn't the answer and that I should be honest with my husband, give him a chance to fix things or at least agree to another threesome.

              On the other hand... I can't help thinking how easy it would be to see this person even just occasionally and get what I know I'll never get from my husband. I still love him, that hasn't changed, but I so want to experience that sexual bliss again. Without my husband there, I'd be able to really let go and be myself, express my pleasure fully and do the kind of stuff to the guy that I didn't dare do in front of my husband (but really wanted to).

              ****, I'm so, so tempted. Help!

              Comment


              • What kind of stuff did you want to try? It’s important to experience that bliss and have the satisfying release your body yearns for.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by jane86 View Post
                  Ok so I got myself into a bit of a situation here.

                  My husband and I had sex last night, first time since the threesome and I didn't get much pleasure at all even though I could tell he was trying his best, changed positions more often than normal and was kissing me a lot, but to me it ended up looking and feeling desperate rather than a turn-on. I actually felt irritated and in my head decided I wasn't going to fake an orgasm like I usually do, just to make him feel better.

                  In the end he came and I finished myself off with my fingers, but afterwards he started asking if I was ok and why I hadn't cum with him, I told him I just wasn't feeling it. He looked upset by that remark and I felt a bit guilty but at the same time annoyed because all week whenever I tried to talk about the threesome or told him the guy had messaged us again, he kept changing subject.

                  We kept talking and he asked if I thought things had changed for me because of the threesome. I told him I didn't feel any different towards him if that's what he meant, I loved him just the same. I was about to say something like 'but I'd really like to have that experience again' but he cut me off by saying 'maybe it was a mistake. Things were fine the way they were, why risk jeopardising what we have?' then he was like 'sorry, it was all my fault for suggesting it, I shouldn't have done it'.

                  I felt so disappointed, angry even, I felt like saying 'no, it wasn't a mistake, I loved it and things weren't fine the way they were' but I knew I couldn't say that, so I told him we hadn't ruined anything and it was me, maybe I was just tired. What a coward I am. That was my opportunity to tell him how I really felt, but I couldn't do it. Now I know he's never going to let anyone else into our bedroom.

                  Thing is, we'd taken the guy's mobile number and I felt really bad that he'd sent us several messages through the dating site and we hadn't replied cause my husband kept saying 'let's wait', I wanted to at least explain things to him so today I sent him an SMS saying 'I'm really sorry but I think M. (my husband) has changed his mind about the whole threesome thing. I'm gutted tbh cause I had an amazing time' and ended with a sad emoji and a kiss. I don't know why I added the kiss as kissing was the one thing we hadn't done.

                  He replied straight away with (and I quote) 'I'm gutted too, I think you're beautiful and I think you still have a lot to discover about yourself. Your OH is a good guy but if you don't mind me saying he's got a lot to learn. Whatever you do please don't settle for less than you deserve. I'm always here if you need me'.

                  I don't know what came over me but before I knew it I'd texted back 'I do feel like I'm settling for less. And I do feel like I need you'. I felt such a rush of adrenaline sending that text because I knew full well what it meant.

                  His reply was 'Well I'm here for you any time you want. You know I'm discreet and you know you can trust me'.

                  I texted 'Can I? How do I know?' and he replied 'Because you saw it in my eyes. Didn't you?'

                  I felt another rush of adrenaline and texted 'I did'.

                  We exchanged a lot more texts, I won't paste them all but basically he made it clear he'd be up for some one to one fun, no strings attached. I got more and more carried away and by the end I'd pretty much agreed to it. In the end I said I'd let him know when would be a good time.

                  I know what people are going to say, that starting an affair isn't the answer and that I should be honest with my husband, give him a chance to fix things or at least agree to another threesome.

                  On the other hand... I can't help thinking how easy it would be to see this person even just occasionally and get what I know I'll never get from my husband. I still love him, that hasn't changed, but I so want to experience that sexual bliss again. Without my husband there, I'd be able to really let go and be myself, express my pleasure fully and do the kind of stuff to the guy that I didn't dare do in front of my husband (but really wanted to).

                  ****, I'm so, so tempted. Help!
                  I waited a bit to see if others would post but no one has. Part of the reason that this sex with the other guy has hit you so hard is that you were only used to sex with one guy before. That has given you little perspective of how your body responds to different situations and how it would respond to a guy who knows how to hit all the spots and anticipate what you desire. Your dopamine response peaked and in that way it is like heroin. Some people can get hooked almost instantaneously on heroin and the response after mind blowing sex is similar. Not only that, you probably got a major oxytocin release that increases the bonding.

                  So now you have what you say is a bit of a situation. Mind blowing sex isn't a great reason to rearrange your marriage but your rational mind is not in charge. You don't even know if the other guy would be interested in you for anything long term. Some guys run the other way from commitment. Probably the best way to get past this is to not do it again. Again, that is rational but your rational mind is not in charge. A time out by not having any sex for a while and then having it only with your husband may work. As an experiment, what you did maybe should have been in a remote place that you couldn't get back to easily, like traveling to a far off continent. The counter to that is that none of you knew that you would respond so strongly. I would suggest that your response is what has the other guy wanting to repeat the experience.

                  I'm not sure if you have analyzed your sex life with your husband before. A usual situation is that the sex is very good initially but becomes more routine as time goes on unless special effort is made to hit new peaks by changing things up. Some couples explore hard and fast so much at first that they run out of ideas later on. Maybe while taking a break, discussing different ways to enhance things would lead to a new view of what sex will be like in the future.
                  I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                  ...
                  Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                  From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                  Comment


                  • Thank you Jns, I appreciate the response and the insight.

                    Fortunately my rational mind won in the end and I didn't cheat, though the temptation was strong. Even though I was 100% convinced I'd get away with it, and I'd even convinced myself it would be good for my marriage, in the end I opted for dialogue instead.

                    I actually did the classic 'we need to talk' to which his response was 'oh no, I knew this was coming'. So straight away I was like 'what do you mean you knew? What do you think I'm going to say?'

                    Basically he knew I wanted to talk about the threesome and he knew I wanted a repeat. 'I'm not stupid, I know you can't stop thinking about it'.

                    I decided to be totally honest. Well I'd already decided that, but hearing him say those things made me realise there was no point in hiding any of it. So I told him that for me the experience had been life changing and I really wanted to try it again. He asked me why I hadn't been honest with him about how good it had felt. I said I didn't want to hurt his feelings, and he said - quite rightly - that he was more hurt by my dishonesty. He made me promise there and then to never lie again and to tell him exactly how I felt, even if I thought it might hurt him. I promised.

                    So, he began to ask questions about the threesome, the same ones he'd asked before, but this time I was completely honest. It felt awful, but I did it, cause he'd asked me to.

                    I told him I didn't know why the other guy felt so much better inside me, but he did. I told him about the orgasms I'd hidden from him, and the ones I'd faked for his benefit.. He looked crushed, but he kept asking more questions and I kept answering them. He asked if I'd ever faked with him before, I said yes. He asked how often, I said maybe every two or three times we do it, when I know it's just not going to happen but I don't want him to feel bad.

                    It felt horrible, but at the same time there was a sense of relief that it had all finally come out. I kept saying I loved him and that was never going to change, that for me sex wasn't everything. But I also said that if there was any way for me to achieve that bliss again, I would probably want that for myself. And if we could achieve it together, of course I'd prefer that.

                    Then I said what I'd been most afraid to say: that the guy and I had been in contact. I didn't say I initiated it and he didn't ask, but he looked upset, which is totally understandable. I told him how tempted I'd been to cheat, but in the end my love for him had been too strong and I didn't want to ruin what we had. He said 'I think it's already too late for that'.

                    I told him not to speak that way, but he was practically crying by that point so I just held him.

                    After a while he started saying he was willing to do it again if that's what I wanted, and I kept saying no, I don't want to hurt you but in my mind I was thinking 'oh thank god'. He said 'anyway things can never be the same now'. He said that now every time we have sex he'll know I'm not having the same pleasure I experienced that night, and he'll be self conscious about it and nothing will ever feel spontaneous again. I kept trying to reassure him but in my head I knew he was right. Then I remembered I'd promised to be completely honest, so I said 'I'm sorry but I think you're right'. I kept saying sorry, sorry and in the end I burst out crying, saying I'd *****d everything up. To be totally honest, though the crying wasn't fake, it was probably just brought on by the high emotions of the moment, but I went with it because I knew it helped my cause. I know how this sounds and I know people will judge me for it, but I'm just being honest.

                    He ended up comforting me, which is crazy as he was the one who'd almost been cheated on. But as I said, I went with it.

                    When I stopped crying he looked at me and went 'so what's the solution here?'. I didn't immediately give him the answer, I needed him to get there by himself. I told him maybe the problem was simply how inexperienced we both were, we never had other partners so we couldn't learn from anyone else. None of it was our fault, it was just the way our lives had worked out. If I hadn't found out how much pleasure I could achieve with someone else, we would have probably just carried on the same way for the rest of our lives. But now things were different.

                    He said 'I'm willing to learn' and I said 'I know but I can't teach you, so who's going to teach us?'

                    We briefly talked about sex therapy, but it was obvious neither of us really wanted to go down that route. In the end he was the one who said 'why bother with all that, when we already found someone who can teach us?' and I thought 'finally, he got there'.

                    I asked him if he really meant that and he said it was the obvious solution. I asked him again if he was sure. I needed this double confirmation, so in future he can never say to me 'you made me do it when I didn't want to'. I feel I gave him every opportunity to change his mind.

                    He suggested we text the guy, together this time. Then he asked if he could see what we'd texted each other previously and suddenly I felt scared, as I hadn't planned for that.

                    He saw I was afraid and said 'it's ok if you don't want me to' but I said no, I'd promised full honesty and he deserved it. But now thinking back I think the real reason I accepted was that, even though it was risky, I knew it would make it clear to him just how close I'd come to cheating on him. Either it would push him over the edge, or it would finally seal the deal, so to speak.

                    As he scrolled through the messages I kept glancing over his shoulder and realised only then how bad some of the stuff sounded, like 'I need you' and 'he's never made me feel the way you do'. And then of course the whole part where I'd basically agreed to see him and I'd let him know when would be a good time. Even though it hadn't been said, it was implied that he'd be coming over when my husband was at work, and we'd be having sex behind his back, presumably in our marital bed. It made me look really bad.

                    I kept saying 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry' but at the same time I knew it was better that he was seeing it, because I'd meant it all.

                    When he reached the end he just nodded slowly and said 'it's ok, I understand. It hurts but I understand'. I realised how lucky I am to have him as a husband. Another man would have probably kicked me out after that.

                    He handed me the phone and let me type the next message. I texted 'Hey, M. is here with me. We both would like to see you again, if you're up for it'. He didn't reply straight away, so we cuddled and talked some more. Then the answer came 'Cool! When?'

                    I said I'd have to see if my mum could take the kids again this weekend. I checked with her, she said yes, so we arranged for Saturday.

                    Then my husband and I spoke for a long time about how it's going to be next time. We agreed on various things but above all, I promised I'd be completely honest about my pleasure, so he could look and try to understand what the guy was doing that felt so good, and maybe try to replicate it when it was his turn. And if it wasn't working, I'd be honest about that too.

                    I asked him if there were still things he didn't want me to do with the guy and he said 'just do whatever feels right'. I said 'even kissing or going down on him?' and he asked 'did you feel like doing those things last time?' and I said yes, but that didn't mean I had to do them if they made him uncomfortable. He said 'just be spontaneous' so I promised I would be.

                    I still don't know how I'll feel on Saturday, I may not feel like doing those things, especially now that my husband knows how good the guy makes me feel. I don't want to completely destroy his confidence, I think I'll just have to read the room and see what feels right on the night.

                    Obviously I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also extremely anxious. Somehow it feels like the stakes are higher this time, now that it's all out in the open. But it's better this way, the dishonesty didn't feel right and I know I would have regretted cheating, maybe not straight away but in the long run.

                    I don't know, maybe we're making a giant mistake, but I feel we're committed now and we need to see this through, for better for worse.

                    Comment

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