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My first threesome has left me confused

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  • Wow, what a thread! I'm so intrigued by this.

    I would love to be in your husband's place tbh. My wife and I are life partners but recently made the joint decision to no longer be sexual partners, as sex between us simply wasn't working, mainly for her but also partly for me. Since we took that step, I've been encouraging her to look around, as I know she's still a very sexual person and in my opinion she shouldn't go through the rest of her life without that pleasure and fulfilment. She's a beautiful woman and that beauty ought to be celebrated and appreciated by someone, even if that someone can't be me.

    Now, of course I'd feel jealous if she slept with someone else, as your husband is clearly feeling at the moment, but I know I'd get over it. I love her so much, I only want the best for her. I'd be open to the idea of a threesome where I'm not necessarily physically involved, as my wife doesn't want that from me, but I'd be able to share in her pleasure visually and perhaps in other ways. Like your OH, I'm not bi-curious and have no interest in interacting with the other man, I guess I'd view him as a sexual surrogate for myself, providing the woman I love with the pleasure I'm no longer able to provide.

    Has there been a second meeting and how did that pan out?

    Comment


    • Originally posted by GlasFel View Post
      Has there been a second meeting and how did that pan out?
      Yes, last night as planned.

      I don't know how much I should say here. Honestly it's been such a rollercoaster, both leading to last night, then the meeting itself and the aftermath. It's very complicated and I don't know if I can explain it properly.

      For the few days leading to it my husband's mood swung constantly. His attitude towards me kept changing between affectionate (sometimes overly so) and "short", I didn't know whether I was coming or going with him. I kept asking him if he'd changed his mind and he kept saying no, but at times I felt his resentment. He clearly wanted me to feel like I'd pushed him into accepting something he wasn't fully comfortable with, but whenever I tried to discuss it he'd cut me short, saying there was nothing to discuss, the decision had been made and we just needed to see it through.

      Several times I felt like calling it off, on Friday I actually told him we should postpone but he wouldn't have it. So I relented, but I knew there would be some issues and I was right.

      Right from the beginning, he was much less involved. The guy kept giving him plenty of opportunities to take over but he'd just shake his head and say 'it's ok, you guys carry on'. Only once did he actually attempt intercourse with me, matching the position and speed that the guy had just adopted. It actually felt ok and I encouraged him with my voice, but he could tell he wasn't having quite the same effect on me so he pulled out and gestured to the guy to take over again.

      The one positive thing is that he really observed this time. I kept looking at him to make sure we kept a connection going and I could tell he was taking mental notes the whole time.

      I'd promised him I'd be honest and spontaneous with my reactions and I was true to my word. I voiced my pleasure and didn't hide any of my orgasms. When I felt like kissing him I did, which made the experience much more natural than the previous one. It made me realise how important kissing is for me in a sexual context.

      I was also more dominant this time in terms of positions. Last time I didn't go on top even though I really wanted to. This time I did, both standard and reverse, and found it interesting that even though I was in full control of speed, the pleasure was still more intense that what I normally feel with my husband in the same exact positions. Given that the guy wasn't moving at all and that size-wise he's pretty much the same, I'm genuinely at a loss as to why I was able to reach climax much more quickly with him than I ever can with my husband. I can only assume the reasons are psychological rather than physical, which is problematic as that's not something my husband can replicate, nor something I can explain to him in practical terms.

      That was one of the things that came up when we later discussed how the threesome had gone. After the guy left we lay next to each other for ages and it was obvious to me how bruised his ego was. I didn't enjoy seeing him like that but at the same time I wanted him to focus on the positives, on what we could both learn from the experience and perhaps put into practice together. But he kept going back to the statistics, how often and how quickly I'd climaxed. I kept saying 'that doesn't matter, let's think about how I got there rather than how many times and how quickly' but he was clearly shaken, maybe even traumatised. It made me regret how open and honest I'd been with my pleasure, but I'd made a promise and I kept it.

      So I don't know if much has been gained or learned, but I do know that we need to tread carefully from now on. Right now I'm being as loving and supportive as I can be. I'm giving him time to lick his wounds and reflect on whether he can really take any more of this. I do hope we can find a way to make things work for us sexually, I don't want to lose what I've just found after so many years, but I also don't want to lose my husband because of jealousy and resentment.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by jane86 View Post
        Yes, last night as planned.

        I don't know how much I should say here. Honestly it's been such a rollercoaster, both leading to last night, then the meeting itself and the aftermath. It's very complicated and I don't know if I can explain it properly.

        For the few days leading to it my husband's mood swung constantly. His attitude towards me kept changing between affectionate (sometimes overly so) and "short", I didn't know whether I was coming or going with him. I kept asking him if he'd changed his mind and he kept saying no, but at times I felt his resentment. He clearly wanted me to feel like I'd pushed him into accepting something he wasn't fully comfortable with, but whenever I tried to discuss it he'd cut me short, saying there was nothing to discuss, the decision had been made and we just needed to see it through.

        Several times I felt like calling it off, on Friday I actually told him we should postpone but he wouldn't have it. So I relented, but I knew there would be some issues and I was right.

        Right from the beginning, he was much less involved. The guy kept giving him plenty of opportunities to take over but he'd just shake his head and say 'it's ok, you guys carry on'. Only once did he actually attempt intercourse with me, matching the position and speed that the guy had just adopted. It actually felt ok and I encouraged him with my voice, but he could tell he wasn't having quite the same effect on me so he pulled out and gestured to the guy to take over again.

        The one positive thing is that he really observed this time. I kept looking at him to make sure we kept a connection going and I could tell he was taking mental notes the whole time.

        I'd promised him I'd be honest and spontaneous with my reactions and I was true to my word. I voiced my pleasure and didn't hide any of my orgasms. When I felt like kissing him I did, which made the experience much more natural than the previous one. It made me realise how important kissing is for me in a sexual context.

        I was also more dominant this time in terms of positions. Last time I didn't go on top even though I really wanted to. This time I did, both standard and reverse, and found it interesting that even though I was in full control of speed, the pleasure was still more intense that what I normally feel with my husband in the same exact positions. Given that the guy wasn't moving at all and that size-wise he's pretty much the same, I'm genuinely at a loss as to why I was able to reach climax much more quickly with him than I ever can with my husband. I can only assume the reasons are psychological rather than physical, which is problematic as that's not something my husband can replicate, nor something I can explain to him in practical terms.

        That was one of the things that came up when we later discussed how the threesome had gone. After the guy left we lay next to each other for ages and it was obvious to me how bruised his ego was. I didn't enjoy seeing him like that but at the same time I wanted him to focus on the positives, on what we could both learn from the experience and perhaps put into practice together. But he kept going back to the statistics, how often and how quickly I'd climaxed. I kept saying 'that doesn't matter, let's think about how I got there rather than how many times and how quickly' but he was clearly shaken, maybe even traumatised. It made me regret how open and honest I'd been with my pleasure, but I'd made a promise and I kept it.

        So I don't know if much has been gained or learned, but I do know that we need to tread carefully from now on. Right now I'm being as loving and supportive as I can be. I'm giving him time to lick his wounds and reflect on whether he can really take any more of this. I do hope we can find a way to make things work for us sexually, I don't want to lose what I've just found after so many years, but I also don't want to lose my husband because of jealousy and resentment.
        The newness of having sex with the other guy is probably still creating a greater release of hormones. It probably wasn't quite what the first time was. If the situation continues, it will probably continue until the sex becomes more routine. The newness factor in sexuality was well noted for many years before hormonal releases governing it were noted. The hormonal releases are at least partially governed by the brain although the portion of the brain doing the governing may not be a part doing the thinking.

        Jealousy, resentment and fear are all very strong emotions. That is why I suggested stuffing the genie back into the bottle by not doing it again. As a rational discussion, start working on what he has learned about what turns you on more than before. Get him to focus on learning, becoming better and moving forward. Keep on reassuring him that he is the only one for you.
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        ...
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

        Comment


        • Originally posted by jns View Post

          The newness of having sex with the other guy is probably still creating a greater release of hormones. It probably wasn't quite what the first time was. If the situation continues, it will probably continue until the sex becomes more routine. The newness factor in sexuality was well noted for many years before hormonal releases governing it were noted. The hormonal releases are at least partially governed by the brain although the portion of the brain doing the governing may not be a part doing the thinking.

          Jealousy, resentment and fear are all very strong emotions. That is why I suggested stuffing the genie back into the bottle by not doing it again. As a rational discussion, start working on what he has learned about what turns you on more than before. Get him to focus on learning, becoming better and moving forward. Keep on reassuring him that he is the only one for you.
          I was thinking the same as you last night. Then hubby and I had a big, big discussion which I'm not going to report here, but the upshot is that we both feel it's time to open the relationship.

          I know this might sound like an overreaction to the recent events, but in truth I think it's been coming for a long time. In hindsight it was a mistake to get married as young as we did and to never have any experiences with other partners. It's left us both inexperienced and curious about what else is out there.

          His obsession with a threesome was just that, curiosity, desire to widen his sexual experiences. I didn't think I shared that desire, but now I realise I secretly did, or I would never have agreed to the threesome in the first place. And now that I caught a glimpse of what's out there, I want more. Is that so bad?

          We only have one life and we owe it to ourselves to live it to the full.

          I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but open relationships do exist and I understand they can work very well for some couples. We're not going to rush into it, but we both feel it's worth exploring it. I won't lie, I will struggle with my own jealousy, but as long as we are always honest with each other, it's only fair that he gets to experience other women, since I've had the opportunity to experience another man - and it was life changing.

          There would be so much more to say, but not right now.

          Comment


          • Well I for one am really happy for you. I'm sure you've not taken this decision lightly but oh, the possibilities it could open for the two of you!
            I only wish my wife was as open minded as you are. The funny thing is that I don't personally feel the need to see other women and I've said as much to her. I've had my experiences before marriage so I know what's out there and I know it ain't any better than what my wife and I have, or used to have. And I can't imagine my performance anxiety would be any better with a different woman. So I'm resigned to masturbation for the rest of my life, but I really think she could do better and I keep encouraging the to open her mind to other possibilities, but she won't listen.
            Anyway, excited for you and hope you'll keep updating this thread with any developments.

            Comment


            • Originally posted by jane86 View Post

              I was thinking the same as you last night. Then hubby and I had a big, big discussion which I'm not going to report here, but the upshot is that we both feel it's time to open the relationship.

              I know this might sound like an overreaction to the recent events, but in truth I think it's been coming for a long time. In hindsight it was a mistake to get married as young as we did and to never have any experiences with other partners. It's left us both inexperienced and curious about what else is out there.

              His obsession with a threesome was just that, curiosity, desire to widen his sexual experiences. I didn't think I shared that desire, but now I realise I secretly did, or I would never have agreed to the threesome in the first place. And now that I caught a glimpse of what's out there, I want more. Is that so bad?

              We only have one life and we owe it to ourselves to live it to the full.

              I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but open relationships do exist and I understand they can work very well for some couples. We're not going to rush into it, but we both feel it's worth exploring it. I won't lie, I will struggle with my own jealousy, but as long as we are always honest with each other, it's only fair that he gets to experience other women, since I've had the opportunity to experience another man - and it was life changing.

              There would be so much more to say, but not right now.
              Best wishes on moving forward.
              I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
              ...
              Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

              From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

              Comment


              • Originally posted by GlasFel View Post
                Well I for one am really happy for you. I'm sure you've not taken this decision lightly but oh, the possibilities it could open for the two of you!
                I only wish my wife was as open minded as you are. The funny thing is that I don't personally feel the need to see other women and I've said as much to her. I've had my experiences before marriage so I know what's out there and I know it ain't any better than what my wife and I have, or used to have. And I can't imagine my performance anxiety would be any better with a different woman. So I'm resigned to masturbation for the rest of my life, but I really think she could do better and I keep encouraging the to open her mind to other possibilities, but she won't listen.
                Anyway, excited for you and hope you'll keep updating this thread with any developments.
                Thanks. Yes we're really happy, who knew our sex life would change so drastically at this stage in our lives?

                It's funny that you mentioned not being that fussed about seeing other women. Given how keen my husband was to have a threesome with another woman, I thought the moment I mentioned opening up the relationship, he'd jump at the chance to find a lover. But he hasn't.

                Yesterday I arranged to meet the threesome guy again on my own, at his place this time, which hubby was ok with. The problem is that we can't keep asking my mum to take the kids, so when the guy (who's divorced btw) said his place was available we thought it'd be easier this way.

                Anyway after arranging the meeting I wanted to find out if hubby had any plans of his own so I asked him if he had anyone in mind, if he'd signed up to a dating app, or if there were any female colleagues he had his eye on, because it's important to me that things are fair and equal between us, rather than me basically just having an affair with his consent. But he dismissed my question with 'come on, who am I going to meet? I can't go on Tinder, what if someone we know sees my profile?'

                Actually I realised he had a point about that. We definitely don't want to go public with our open relationship at this point.

                Then he said 'Besides someone needs to stay with the kids' which again I guess is true, but I'd already said we'd take turns with the kids.

                The thing is he didn't sound annoyed or resentful, but I still wanted to understand why he didn't want to put himself out there. Turns out that first of all he's really not confident about his chances of finding someone, but also right now he's not that interested. He says he'll keep an open mind when approaching women, but he doesn't think he'll want to start anything any time soon.

                I must confess, even though my verbal response to him was something along the lines of 'Ok that's up to you, but promise me you'll remain open to possibilities because I want things to be fair', in reality I found myself breathing a huge sigh of relief, because the thought of him with another woman still makes me really uncomfortable. I know that sounds totally selfish given what I've already done, but that's how I feel.

                I know there are arrangements between certain couples that are one-sided, GlasFel it sounds like that's what you're after with your wife and I'm wondering if that's how it's going to be for us. It's not what I envisaged, but that's how it seems to have worked out. I just need to make sure he's actually 100% ok with it and not secretly resenting the situation.

                Last night after I came back from meeting the guy I was very affectionate with hubby, I tried to initiate sex at bedtime but he gently pushed me away and asked how things had gone with the guy. At first I was careful not to rub things in his face too much, but then while I was talking about a particularly good orgasm I'd had, I noticed him touching himself under the covers and doing his "aroused" face. So I thought 'well, maybe this is what he wants to hear' so I ramped things up a bit, told him certain spicy details that I'd originally planned on keeping out. I could see this was having a strong effect on him and I must say I got really turned on too saying that stuff.

                This was totally new and unexpected but I loved it. It was so hot that not only was he allowing me to say those things right to his face and not getting upset, but he was clearly getting more and more turned on. In the end he sort of lost it, got between my legs and started making love to me really hard. He came quite quickly but I came too, I was so turned on by the whole thing.

                He went to sleep straight after and we haven't had a chance to talk about what happened, but I'm actually wondering if it's better not to talk about it at all. Whatever it was that happened, it obviously worked for both of us and I kinda don't want to break the spell by talking about it. Does that make any sense?

                Comment


                • Originally posted by jane86 View Post

                  Thanks. Yes we're really happy, who knew our sex life would change so drastically at this stage in our lives?

                  It's funny that you mentioned not being that fussed about seeing other women. Given how keen my husband was to have a threesome with another woman, I thought the moment I mentioned opening up the relationship, he'd jump at the chance to find a lover. But he hasn't.

                  Yesterday I arranged to meet the threesome guy again on my own, at his place this time, which hubby was ok with. The problem is that we can't keep asking my mum to take the kids, so when the guy (who's divorced btw) said his place was available we thought it'd be easier this way.

                  Anyway after arranging the meeting I wanted to find out if hubby had any plans of his own so I asked him if he had anyone in mind, if he'd signed up to a dating app, or if there were any female colleagues he had his eye on, because it's important to me that things are fair and equal between us, rather than me basically just having an affair with his consent. But he dismissed my question with 'come on, who am I going to meet? I can't go on Tinder, what if someone we know sees my profile?'

                  Actually I realised he had a point about that. We definitely don't want to go public with our open relationship at this point.

                  Then he said 'Besides someone needs to stay with the kids' which again I guess is true, but I'd already said we'd take turns with the kids.

                  The thing is he didn't sound annoyed or resentful, but I still wanted to understand why he didn't want to put himself out there. Turns out that first of all he's really not confident about his chances of finding someone, but also right now he's not that interested. He says he'll keep an open mind when approaching women, but he doesn't think he'll want to start anything any time soon.

                  I must confess, even though my verbal response to him was something along the lines of 'Ok that's up to you, but promise me you'll remain open to possibilities because I want things to be fair', in reality I found myself breathing a huge sigh of relief, because the thought of him with another woman still makes me really uncomfortable. I know that sounds totally selfish given what I've already done, but that's how I feel.

                  I know there are arrangements between certain couples that are one-sided, GlasFel it sounds like that's what you're after with your wife and I'm wondering if that's how it's going to be for us. It's not what I envisaged, but that's how it seems to have worked out. I just need to make sure he's actually 100% ok with it and not secretly resenting the situation.

                  Last night after I came back from meeting the guy I was very affectionate with hubby, I tried to initiate sex at bedtime but he gently pushed me away and asked how things had gone with the guy. At first I was careful not to rub things in his face too much, but then while I was talking about a particularly good orgasm I'd had, I noticed him touching himself under the covers and doing his "aroused" face. So I thought 'well, maybe this is what he wants to hear' so I ramped things up a bit, told him certain spicy details that I'd originally planned on keeping out. I could see this was having a strong effect on him and I must say I got really turned on too saying that stuff.

                  This was totally new and unexpected but I loved it. It was so hot that not only was he allowing me to say those things right to his face and not getting upset, but he was clearly getting more and more turned on. In the end he sort of lost it, got between my legs and started making love to me really hard. He came quite quickly but I came too, I was so turned on by the whole thing.

                  He went to sleep straight after and we haven't had a chance to talk about what happened, but I'm actually wondering if it's better not to talk about it at all. Whatever it was that happened, it obviously worked for both of us and I kinda don't want to break the spell by talking about it. Does that make any sense?
                  It sounds like he may be learning some things and taking charge more and that may also be turning you on.
                  I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                  ...
                  Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                  From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by jane86 View Post
                    Whatever it was that happened, it obviously worked for both of us and I kinda don't want to break the spell by talking about it. Does that make any sense?
                    Yes, it does to me.

                    I'm surprised though, you said in a previous post that you weren't gonna rush into anything, so what made you decide to see the guy by yourself so soon? Don't get me wrong I think that's great, I'd be over the moon if my wife cuckolded me like that but I'm wondering if something in the discussions you had with your OH since your last threesome accelerated things for you. I'm looking for tips you see?

                    Wife and I have the same discussion over and over, I say "Just see someone you fancy, I don't need to be involved, it's enough for me to know you're being satisfied, I'll feed off that" and I can sense that deep inside she's intrigued and would love to try, there have even been moments when I've caught a flash of hesitation in her eyes and I was convinced she was about to say yes, but every time I can see her changing her mind, she shuts out the thought, says "nope" and that's it, end of discussion. It's like she wants it as much as I do but she's afraid of the consequences.

                    So what made you feel that your marriage was safe and that the introduction of this other person wouldn't ruin things? If you are ok to answer that, no pressure.

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by jane86 View Post
                      Ok so I got myself into a bit of a situation here.

                      My husband and I had sex last night, first time since the threesome and I didn't get much pleasure at all even though I could tell he was trying his best, changed positions more often than normal and was kissing me a lot, but to me it ended up looking and feeling desperate rather than a turn-on. I actually felt irritated and in my head decided I wasn't going to fake an orgasm like I usually do, just to make him feel better.

                      In the end he came and I finished myself off with my fingers, but afterwards he started asking if I was ok and why I hadn't cum with him, I told him I just wasn't feeling it. He looked upset by that remark and I felt a bit guilty but at the same time annoyed because all week whenever I tried to talk about the threesome or told him the guy had messaged us again, he kept changing subject.

                      We kept talking and he asked if I thought things had changed for me because of the threesome. I told him I didn't feel any different towards him if that's what he meant, I loved him just the same. I was about to say something like 'but I'd really like to have that experience again' but he cut me off by saying 'maybe it was a mistake. Things were fine the way they were, why risk jeopardising what we have?' then he was like 'sorry, it was all my fault for suggesting it, I shouldn't have done it'.

                      I felt so disappointed, angry even, I felt like saying 'no, it wasn't a mistake, I loved it and things weren't fine the way they were' but I knew I couldn't say that, so I told him we hadn't ruined anything and it was me, maybe I was just tired. What a coward I am. That was my opportunity to tell him how I really felt, but I couldn't do it. Now I know he's never going to let anyone else into our bedroom.

                      Thing is, we'd taken the guy's mobile number and I felt really bad that he'd sent us several messages through the dating site and we hadn't replied cause my husband kept saying 'let's wait', I wanted to at least explain things to him so today I sent him an SMS saying 'I'm really sorry but I think M. (my husband) has changed his mind about the whole threesome thing. I'm gutted tbh cause I had an amazing time' and ended with a sad emoji and a kiss. I don't know why I added the kiss as kissing was the one thing we hadn't done.

                      He replied straight away with (and I quote) 'I'm gutted too, I think you're beautiful and I think you still have a lot to discover about yourself. Your OH is a good guy but if you don't mind me saying he's got a lot to learn. Whatever you do please don't settle for less than you deserve. I'm always here if you need me'.

                      I don't know what came over me but before I knew it I'd texted back 'I do feel like I'm settling for less. And I do feel like I need you'. I felt such a rush of adrenaline sending that text because I knew full well what it meant.

                      His reply was 'Well I'm here for you any time you want. You know I'm discreet and you know you can trust me'.

                      I texted 'Can I? How do I know?' and he replied 'Because you saw it in my eyes. Didn't you?'

                      I felt another rush of adrenaline and texted 'I did'.

                      We exchanged a lot more texts, I won't paste them all but basically he made it clear he'd be up for some one to one fun, no strings attached. I got more and more carried away and by the end I'd pretty much agreed to it. In the end I said I'd let him know when would be a good time.

                      I know what people are going to say, that starting an affair isn't the answer and that I should be honest with my husband, give him a chance to fix things or at least agree to another threesome.

                      On the other hand... I can't help thinking how easy it would be to see this person even just occasionally and get what I know I'll never get from my husband. I still love him, that hasn't changed, but I so want to experience that sexual bliss again. Without my husband there, I'd be able to really let go and be myself, express my pleasure fully and do the kind of stuff to the guy that I didn't dare do in front of my husband (but really wanted to).

                      ****, I'm so, so tempted. Help!
                      In my humble opinion, you and your husband have fundamental problems. I don’t think it’s sex related. From your original post and subsequent post, it’s clear that you are dishonest with your husband. I think that is something you need to consider. Any relationship, either with your husband or perhaps lover, ought to be based upon truth. If you experience a 99 out of 100 with your new partner and only 1 out of 100 with your husband , i would encourage you to be straight with your husband. It might be extremely painful for him to hear, but it is necessary. Please, as a man who is experiencing his 2nd marriage ending, communication is important. honest communication is vital.

                      Comment

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