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  • Penetration hurts me trigger warning

    Hi, I'm Kayla. A young 28 years old woman who is engaged but has been suffering with painful intercourse.

    I had a pretty awful experience in the past when someone was forceful/aggressive and it caused me a lot of pain, so now I get tense and tighten up which makes it difficult for it to even happen. So to cut the long story short, I began using dilators two years ago and did so well that the first time round went all the way from 1-5, then I relapsed due to covid and have been battling with extreme guilt, as well as dealing with bereavement around that time. But something came over me today to not give up so I started using my dilators again today, and it's been slipping out, and I feel like I have to press it in pretty hard, which hurts. I feel like this time it's even harder get it in but it night be that I haven't done it in so long?

    I really needed someone to speak to because honestly I don't know how much more I can take I feel so guilty that I can't even pleasure my soon to be husbsnd and I'm scared will end up splitting up? The pressure is all getting to me.

  • Hi, I'm Kayla. A young 28 years old woman who is engaged but has been suffering with painful intercourse.

    I had a pretty awful experience in the past when someone was forceful/aggressive and it caused me a lot of pain, so now I get tense and tighten up which makes it difficult for it to even happen. So to cut the long story short, I began using dilators two years ago and did so well that the first time round went all the way from 1-5, then I relapsed due to covid and have been battling with extreme guilt, as well as dealing with bereavement around that time. But something came over me today to not give up so I started using my dilators again today, and it's been slipping out, and I feel like I have to press it in pretty hard, which hurts. I feel like this time it's even harder to get it in but it might be that I haven't done it in so long? And this is only size 1.

    I really needed someone to speak to because honestly I don't know how much more I can take I feel so guilty that I can't even pleasure my soon to be husbsnd and I'm scared will end up splitting up? The pressure is all getting to me.


    Comment


    • Hi there, Kayla (from a fellow Kayla)!

      I don't have experience with dilators, and I can only imagine how trauma, grief, and stress have impacted your sexual health.

      The first thing that came to mind is to ask whether you've seen your doctor since starting the use of dilators a few years ago. Are they able to help with the practical side of using dilators?

      Also, do you have access to therapy? Ideally, someone who specializes in sexual trauma or simply just sexual health. While that may not help your body physically relax, it may help you work through your feelings about what's going on with you today and the things you've been through in the past.

      Finally -- have you talked to your husband about how you're feeling? Assuming that being intimate in general with your husband is a possibility, there are plenty of things you can do that don't involve penetration. Plus, he may be completely understanding and might hate that you feel guilty. If he's a good partner to you, he will likely want to be supportive, but only if it's something you're able to communicate with him. If that's difficult for you, that may be something else a therapist can help with.

      Comment


      • Kayla Lords Hi Kayla!

        Thank you for your kind message. It's nice to know that there are people out there wanting to help others. I really appreciate it.

        It's a good question that you have asked. Unfortunately, getting in touch with my GP is really difficult because they would just refer me to a gynecologist, and the waiting list to be seen is extremely long, but the good news is that I have been reading up on tips to relax whilst using my dilators which I can confidently say has worked! I should be now going up a size this week. I have been trying to remain persistent and working on my anxiety.

        Therapy is certainly on my list but the waiting list is around five months. However, I have emailed a charity to give me that space and time to help me navigate my feelings and offload in a safe place.

        My husband on the other hand has been supportive but I can't help but feel guilty at times. I guess what is keeping me going is that I love him dearly, and I wish to have children one day. Let's hope my dreams comes true.

        I think one thing I have learnt from this experience that has made a massive difference is to try and relax your body and take your time with things. Patient is certainly key.

        Thank you once again for you message Kayla, and please take care of yourself.

        Kind regards

        Kayla


        Comment


        • Sometimes we are our best doctors

          Comment


          • As a man I'd never want my partner to be in any discomfort or pain. Sex isn't just about penetration. I could quite happily have a satisfying relationship with foreplay. With no penetration you can really explore new exciting ways to please each other with hands and mouths

            Comment


            • Thank you for your input. It's important to hear different view points from both a male and female

              Comment


              • Originally posted by Kayla1234 View Post
                Thank you for your input. It's important to hear different view points from both a male and female
                If he understands your situation then it shouldn't be a problem. It's an opportunity to discover new ways to have sex.

                You should think about fantasies and desires you have that don't involve penetration

                Comment

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