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  • Dealing with passive partner, sex ends up in fights

    Never thought I would post this on the internet.

    But lately my wife and I are having problems in bed.
    We're together from our early 20s, she already had a sexual partner before, I didn't.
    Today we are happily married, I'm 38 and she is 35, but lately there are some troubles between the sheets.

    We both decided to wait till now to start trying to have children. First we wanted to get our lives in order, well sort of.
    But we're trying for 3 months now and my wife is like "I'm breezy, no pressure, we see when it happens."
    While I know she isn't, because she's testing her ovulation on a daily base and she's always depressed for a couple of days when we didn't manage to get pregnant that month.

    On top of that, my wife had a lot of trauma in her childhood (abusive father). Because of that she has a hard time to be vulnerable when we have sex.
    She wants to make love, but she always seems to freeze in a way and I always need to be super careful about the things I do.
    I can't touch her on certain spots, can't do certain things, say things and she can't tell me what she wants, so I always have to guess.

    And then there's the whole passive thing, se always feels awkward, so most of the time she just lays there, expecting me to make the first move.
    But after all these years I'm starting to get so tired of it. Her way of making a move, is to just pull me towards here and then I should take over again.
    So imagine when there are times I feel to tired or I'm not in the mood, but she is and someone keeps pulling your arm trying to get you on top of her.
    I mean why can't she make a move, start kissing me, massaging me, start with some foreplay or whatever to get me in the same mood.
    If I don't put in all the effort nothing happens. And of course when we don't have enough sex, she blames me that we should do it more often or we'll never get pregnant.

    There are lots of times when we are together, that we both get frisky. But at those times she doesn't want to give in to those feelings because she doesn't feel good having sex on other places besides the bed. But when I tried to guide her towards the bed, she thinks it's weird because it's still daytime or because we will go to sleep and be in bed in 1 or 2 hours, but she doesn't want to go to bed early either. And of course by the time we get there, all the excitement from before is gone and it all feels awkward again.

    Like a few days ago, we we're trying to fall asleep, I was spooning her like I always do and suddenly we both feel frisky, but she's like "Babe I want to so badly, but I'm so sleepy right now". Fast forward 2 days later, it still didn't happen, so she scheduled sex for that very evening, but when the moment is there, everything feels awkward because it's not spontaneous like it could have been (2 times) 2 days earlier and now she's just lying there again, staring awkwardly at me, wanting me to make a first move.
    So eventually we got into a fight about it, so the next day she tries to schedule it again for that evening, guess what, same thing happened.
    But this time I first did try to make a move, so I'm starting to kiss her all over her body and notice she's just staring awkwardly to the ceiling. Eventually she started to get in the mood, so I'm starting to orally pleasure her, she gets so excited she grabs towards my penis and tries to put it inside of her. It had been 2 weeks by now, so after just a couple of thrusts I already finished inside of her. I'm embarrassed that it happened so fast, so I try to continue pleasuring her, but then she's like I have to go pee now. When she comes back she's like, "now the moment is ruined, you got yours and I didn't get mine and I've been super eroused for days now", so frustrated as she was, we got into another fight.

    And now today I'm writing this all down here, not knowing what to do, what to expect, how to handle this or fix it. I just wish it was a bit easier, I've never been with another woman, so I don't know is this normal? But I find it hard to believe that this scenario happens in every bedroom. Besides sex, we are like the best of friends, but once we have to talk or practice sex, it mostly ends up in tears, she always blames me for it and I really hate it.

  • Oh and we haven't spoken to each other since. She's always like, "if you don't like this, why don't you go and find someone else". I know that's her PTSD talking, but lately I do wonder and start to ask myself if that's really what she wants. I also wonder how different everything would be if we never had met each other and to be honest, it's starting to scare me.

    Comment


    • Hi, and welcome.

      What you’re describing sounds very difficult and frustrating. While a lot of couples find themselves out of sync sexually, your situation seems extreme. For starters, it sounds like your wife should consider therapy (possibly including EMDR) to work through past trauma. Childhood abuse can impact adult relationships forever if the issues aren’t addressed and coping mechanisms used.

      Beyond that, I’m wondering how much of what you’ve said here have you already said to your wife? Open honest talk about how you both feel is vital if you want to move forward together. I find that outside the bedroom is the best place for these discussions. But ymmv.

      Finally, I don’t actually think your wife wants you to find another partner. In fact, I suspect that she’s feeling bad about her inability to be as open and spontaneous as you’d like, and is looking for reassurance that you’d choose her again if you had it to do over. How you handle that depends on what you actually want.

      I’m a married woman who talks to a lot of men on Ashley Madison, and many of them are exploring extramarital affairs due to sexual dissatisfaction at home. Some of them blame their wives to justify cheating. Others stop before they do something that will destroy the trust in their marriage. It’s up to you which type you want to be. Personally, I find that anytime I see what the dating pool is like, it gives me renewed respect and admiration for my partner.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by Blue View Post
        Never thought I would post this on the internet.

        But lately my wife and I are having problems in bed.
        We're together from our early 20s, she already had a sexual partner before, I didn't.
        Today we are happily married, I'm 38 and she is 35, but lately there are some troubles between the sheets.

        We both decided to wait till now to start trying to have children. First we wanted to get our lives in order, well sort of.
        But we're trying for 3 months now and my wife is like "I'm breezy, no pressure, we see when it happens."
        While I know she isn't, because she's testing her ovulation on a daily base and she's always depressed for a couple of days when we didn't manage to get pregnant that month.

        On top of that, my wife had a lot of trauma in her childhood (abusive father). Because of that she has a hard time to be vulnerable when we have sex.
        She wants to make love, but she always seems to freeze in a way and I always need to be super careful about the things I do.
        I can't touch her on certain spots, can't do certain things, say things and she can't tell me what she wants, so I always have to guess.

        And then there's the whole passive thing, se always feels awkward, so most of the time she just lays there, expecting me to make the first move.
        But after all these years I'm starting to get so tired of it. Her way of making a move, is to just pull me towards here and then I should take over again.
        So imagine when there are times I feel to tired or I'm not in the mood, but she is and someone keeps pulling your arm trying to get you on top of her.
        I mean why can't she make a move, start kissing me, massaging me, start with some foreplay or whatever to get me in the same mood.
        If I don't put in all the effort nothing happens. And of course when we don't have enough sex, she blames me that we should do it more often or we'll never get pregnant.

        There are lots of times when we are together, that we both get frisky. But at those times she doesn't want to give in to those feelings because she doesn't feel good having sex on other places besides the bed. But when I tried to guide her towards the bed, she thinks it's weird because it's still daytime or because we will go to sleep and be in bed in 1 or 2 hours, but she doesn't want to go to bed early either. And of course by the time we get there, all the excitement from before is gone and it all feels awkward again.

        Like a few days ago, we we're trying to fall asleep, I was spooning her like I always do and suddenly we both feel frisky, but she's like "Babe I want to so badly, but I'm so sleepy right now". Fast forward 2 days later, it still didn't happen, so she scheduled sex for that very evening, but when the moment is there, everything feels awkward because it's not spontaneous like it could have been (2 times) 2 days earlier and now she's just lying there again, staring awkwardly at me, wanting me to make a first move.
        So eventually we got into a fight about it, so the next day she tries to schedule it again for that evening, guess what, same thing happened.
        But this time I first did try to make a move, so I'm starting to kiss her all over her body and notice she's just staring awkwardly to the ceiling. Eventually she started to get in the mood, so I'm starting to orally pleasure her, she gets so excited she grabs towards my penis and tries to put it inside of her. It had been 2 weeks by now, so after just a couple of thrusts I already finished inside of her. I'm embarrassed that it happened so fast, so I try to continue pleasuring her, but then she's like I have to go pee now. When she comes back she's like, "now the moment is ruined, you got yours and I didn't get mine and I've been super eroused for days now", so frustrated as she was, we got into another fight.

        And now today I'm writing this all down here, not knowing what to do, what to expect, how to handle this or fix it. I just wish it was a bit easier, I've never been with another woman, so I don't know is this normal? But I find it hard to believe that this scenario happens in every bedroom. Besides sex, we are like the best of friends, but once we have to talk or practice sex, it mostly ends up in tears, she always blames me for it and I really hate it.
        Wow....*Blue, your situation sounds similar to this thread I started, so I can empathize with you.

        My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 1.5 years now. To make a long story short: her libido is non-existent (since day 1) and I am looking for advice...please help because I truly love her. More details below.... My girlfriend truly loves me and I love her back. However, I find that she does not ever initiate sex


        My first question would be, has she always been this way, or has it changed since 10 years ago? If so, what has changed?

        In general, I think it is safe to say that when you enter a romantic relationship with someone there is a fair expectation that you will both be romantic physically. I think it's fair for either party to want passion with their significant other. I think a lot of people need physical touch to feel wanted (not just during sex, but also just during the normal day). I think it is fair to expect some physical affection and initiative on her part, not every day, but certainly once in a while, even if it's just once a month.

        I have done a ton of research given my current situation. It's important to recognize that there could be internal (mental and physical) and external (mental and physical) factors.

        If she has some psychological trauma, hormonal imbalance, libido killing meds, etc. those are all internal and have nothing to do with you. If she hasn't had any other partners, maybe she needs a little bit of education from you or other sources on foreplay techniques. She will need to address and resolve, but be very tender how you communicate these concerns otherwise she may get defensive. Of course some girls are just shy when it comes to sex in public, but I think most people should be okay with sex in a different room in a locked house. So bottom line, is that there may be something subduing her natural healthy libido and desire. Or maybe she is a little inexperienced how to come on to guys.

        External issues (like premature ejaculation) can be controlled and managed. Compliments, dressing attractive, and flirtation are all things you can do to help the cause.

        Unfortunately, my gf always blames me as well, and it ends in tears. It's important to remember that their may be some truth, but most of the time, she is just being defensive. Getting people to not be defensive is a whole different challenge. Involving a trusted third neutral party can make people less defensive. Also, meeting in a public place can make people less defensive.

        It sounds a bit like she is so focused on the act of getting pregnant, that she uses that as ammo against you. If that's truly important to her, I would talk to a fertility doctor that can get her pregnant very quickly with you jerking into a cup. Don't that be a reason to get mad at each other. I don't think either of you are wrong.

        Comment

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