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Wife masterbates when she thinks I am sleeping

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  • Some women masturbate if they are not sexually satisfied by their partner, this may be especially true if she does it right after having sex. Sometimes the guy is finished and the woman still warming up so she finishes herself. This is a common scenario, she may not want to tell you that she is not satisfied so as not to hurt your feelings. It is easier for a woman to get herself off than have unsatisfying sex with a partner. It takes about 15 - 20 mins foreplay. It takes a some time for a woman to have an orgasm and about 70% of women cannot orgasm through vaginal penetration but need clitoral stimulation for what may be 20 min or more. If she can orgasm vaginally it usually takes longer than 5 - 10 min of trusting to get her there. So you do the numbers, if sex is 15 mins from start to finish then, she is only just begun. So it may be lack of sexual satisfaction.

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    • What do you mean that it might be your fault? Shouldn't a woman have an orgasm every time her partner does? It's not a fault, you are a good and loving man.

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      • Hi,
        I'm new to this forum. My Q is same that Wife masterbate's night. She pretends she is not doing it but she does.. I've started noticing this activity since past few days. She does this for about 4-5 times in a week. Though we have sex but it's me who asks for it not her. It's difficult for me to understand. I've started ignoring her though i pretend not. Also I'm loosing trust in her. She does not has b/f she is conservative as such. But since the day I've noticed her doing this my sleep is gone. She will start this activity once she feels I'm into sleep so that i dont get a glimpse of her. Is this a common scenario with every1 or am I being dumped like a stupid husband?

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        • Ryanl35, any update on this thread?

          I read through this thread and everything you wrote I feel the EXACT same way. From her being the james bond 007 masturbater and her denying it and her "saying" she was sleeping. There are so many things in this thread that i feel related to. I have caught my girl doing EXACTLY the same things and again, she denies it and it seems that she actually is awake. There are too many variables that seem that would be impossible to do if you were actually sleeping. I make a slight move she stops, I don't breathe properly(sleep breathing) she stops, it seems shes actually monitoring my breathing. The thing is I know how to mimick my actually deep sleep breathing so I then will do that and wait within a few minutes I hear her again. She constinatley wants me to "prove" it, but its almost impossible to prove it when shes berried under the blankets, and I sleep facing the opposite direction, and as you said she quickly reacts to anything.

          I don't mind if she wants to masturbate, heck we all do it but, I mind that she pretends to be sleeping, and can't be honest about it.


          The thing is in the middle of the sometimes she will go hours, pleasuring herself. I will confront her after having a restless sleep but she denies it 100% or says she must be sleeping.

          She says to wake her up the next time she is doing it, but I feel she doesn't want me to wake her up(since I truly believe shes awake)instead she wants to try and figure out when I am actually awake so she can go even more stealth.

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          • Sounds like it is time for an infrared camera, haha.
            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
            ...
            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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            • dude, are you only having sex with her at night before you guys go to bed? if this is the case, as in you guys have fallen into a routine, you need to do things that switch it up and pique her sexual interest and unleash that animal instinct.

              perhaps have sex in the morning before work, or during lunch, or when the kids are all watching TV so there is that added risk of being caught. perhaps take her out to dinner and surprise her by getting a hotel room (not a ****ty cheap one) and have some champagne waiting along with chocolate and fruit spread. eat the food off each others bodies and enjoy the evening of something new to break routine. Just adding variety to an otherwise monotonous sex life is going to do wonders. You could even have sex in a public area where there is rislk of being caught. Even get her aroused sometime and NOT have sex with her to change it up, and then when her arousal gets the best of her, she will jump your bones.

              Variety is the spice of life.

              read a book called the SEx God Method by Daniel Rose. That thing changed my life.

              good luck
              Last edited by I_Am_A_Man; 03-02-2011, 10:21 PM.

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              • You have to look at this from a zoological perspective.
                These ladies are still interested in SEX just not in their husbands.
                Why not - because every mammalian species has a trigger to desire sex. The male of the species must deliver behaviours that trigger mating. This is well studied and known about for years. This behaviour raises oxytocin in the female and triggers the desire for sex. Scientists have recently been able to bypass these behaviours with direct injections of oxytocin. The mating dance or behaviour no longer required.

                Humans are no different- In order to get receptivity the male has to boost Oxytocin.
                This is done with touch -massage - compliment- strokes- chill time and sex.
                I guess you could call it a type of slow foreplay.
                The male will stop providing these behaviours often because his own Oxytocin level is low because he is not getting sex. (Or because of the Coolidge effect) So a viscous cycle is created. In order to break this downward spiral one of the Partners is going to overcome their own negativity and raise the Oxytocin levels.
                Forget about Testerone or Oestogen , Oxytocin drives everything from Female desire to male erection and orgasm. It is the hormone that along with Dopamine provides the feeling of love. It can be manipulated.- Manipulate it.

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                • Frank Duke, I would be glad to update. Besides the one time I brought it up to her I have not done so since, and that was 10 months ago. She flipped like I said. She claimed she would have to go on some anxiety pills b/c she called it sleep sex (which was only happening with herself), anyway she never went on pills told me to "wake her" if I noticed it again. I knew I would get nowhere with her so I never brought it up again. I slowly realized that we had some other issues to tackle in our relationship before I could address this. So that is what I did. I worked on building up trust, "our" special time and just plain old fun. I have noticed in the last 2 months or so it has slowed down. I can look at this two ways, one it's something I can't control but she is right next to me and not doing something else with someone else, or two I have seen an improvement b/c of our "reconnection". I say improvement b/c the entire act itself is sneeky, selfish, and just wierd. Masturbation is fine but not what she is doing. She just is not like this during her "awake" hours, like I said she is more reserved. I know I love her and she love's me. I have learned to live with this and just try to reasure myself this is nothing I can control and concentrate on the rest of our relationship I can control. You know I have to say even our sex life has improved both in quality and quanity. Don't know if I helped but feel free to ask more questions.

                  Comment


                  • I've been living this same situation the last few months and when confronted with it she claims sleepsex, but it has continued, but more quietly. The night she awoke me at 4:10am with a huge shudder, a big moan, and heavy breathing and then waits a few minutes before checking her email on her iPhone was the kicker. She's devolved into some fantasy world that doesn't include me and has to get her release almost every night. I just take some benadryl and try to get some sleep so I don't lose my job. The last thing you want to do is try and join in because she's not thinking about you, it won't work for either of you and she'll resent the intrusion. 3 times a week is outstanding, you should get a blue ribbon at the fair. I'm hoping for 6 times this year.

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                    • I'd feel the bed shake sometimes like this but never heard or felt her climax like I'd expect. I once asked if she was masturbating, she said no and actually got concerned she might be having night seizures. She swears she doesn't masturbate anyway. She's just not interested in doing that alone. Bummer, because I like when I get to watch her on the rare occasion she'll do it with me.
                      Me on the other hand have frequently done it while she sleeps. Trying to stay still and quiet does make the orgasm pretty intense. It reminds me of when I had to sneak doing it as a kid since I shared a room.
                      Presonally it wouldn't bother me if she woke up and caught me, she's walked in on me doing it before. Intercourse for her would be 2-3 times a month max if I didn't push for 1-3 times a week, what she doesn't know is I still masturbate 2-3 or more times per week, and I'm 51 years old.
                      Unlike Trix, it's not just for kids.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Ryanl35 View Post
                        I slowly realized that we had some other issues to tackle in our relationship before I could address this.
                        For many relationships it all comes down to the small stuff. Why? because "its not a big deal". But stuff that gets thrown in the bucket builds up over time.
                        And man can it get worse. This might not even apply to you but is overlooked by many, hence the need to add . Things like past beliefs, childhood events, a nasty comment, even past lives (in a spiritual sense) can have an effect on someone. Things that might not have anything to do with you can eat at someone till they take things out on the people they are closest to and can have no idea why. The mind is powerful. Subconscious stuff is still there, so even the smallest things that don't seem to bug you can. (And it shines through in weird ways) People say they have great communication and sex but do they really? I don't want to be mean but the white lies of relationships can develop into other things as they catch up to you.

                        After all the discussing and no opening up from your wife I wondered if it was something small that lead to her feeling the need to deny it. There's endless possibilities to why people act the way they do, my examples are quite vast and It seems my point has not made sense but I feel my 5cents might be worth something XD

                        Best of Luck for your future

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                        • In simple terms, this problem is just like many others in as much as little or no communication will lead to guess work, assumptions and problems. If your wife is unable or unwilling to express why she does what she does (and as we have already establshed, its not the masturbation its self that is the problem but the laying next to you and then denying it which is the strange and confussing bit), it must be very difficult to understand or know how to handle it. As it has been keeping you awake, have you considered any sleeping remedies (herbal or other) or even sleeping in another room, this would probably make for an awkard atmosphere but many other couples move to another bed if their partner snores, for exmaple. I know this is an off the wall idea but everyone else seems to have suggested the obvious, its not a fix but if you have come to accept it as "it is what she does" then you may need to get back to basics and just get some sleep.

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                          • Its somewhat different but I used to be certain my wife stayed up late whether I went to bed at a normal time or stayed up sooo late that I thought I would keel over just so she could get off on her own downstairs despite not showing interest in me (I have to wait 6-8 weeks to have sex once or twice). I'd wake up at 2am (even on a work day) to find her still not in bed, I'd have my own suspicions, creep downstairs and walk in and she'd say "what, trying to catch me out or something, you're not my father I can go to bed when I like...", very defensive! But I'd just wonder whether I was just judging her by my own standards.

                            Comment


                            • Some people on here don't get it. He's not upset about the fact that she's doing it. He's upset about the fact that she's doing it NEXT TO HIM and LYING about it again and again and again. It's enough to make you seriously doubt your sanity. I could have written this exact post except that we are not very open about our sexual life and never talk about desires, never do it other than missionary or in shower (which she never gets that aroused by, but she just doesn't not like there). We've been married for 8 years and are pretty happy. But this is driving me insane. It's a lot of nights. Middle of the night. I wake up to the slightest jiggle of the bed and if I move it stops. I confronted her about it several times and she swore she wasn't doing it. She swore up and down and cried at the insinuation. Then I'd feel terrible and think I'm maybe going nuts and then it would happen again that night and again the next morning... so on so on. I was wondering who was nuts so I found this thread and now I know. It's the SAME EXACT THING. Ryan135 she is DEFINITELY doing it and you should stop doubting it. The crazy thing is that it's also arousing to me. Sure wish she'd roll over and ask me to join. That's what hurts. I just wish she'd be open with me and tell me about it. I've been open with her about my doing it. Makes me feel like she doesn't trust me and also that she doesn't want me sexually. But from this thread I've learned that's probably not the case. I just think it's an addiction and they're SOOOO ashamed of it that they'll do anything to show it's untrue. But I know she loves me very much and that she even enjoys sex sometimes. That's why this is so confusing. I just wish she'd talk to me about it. I don't have any less good opinion of her because of it, only due to her lying about it. It really hurts a lot. And I don't tend to feel hurt about many things. Ryan, I think you shouldn't sweep it under the rug. I'm going to deal with it and get her to admit it so we can have a grown up discussion about it, and I think you should too. The problem is that when your wife lies about it you want to believe her and sort of doubt yourself. I think you should just approach it that you're not going to let her convince you otherwise (what the else would be shaking our beds, man? It's crazy to even doubt it. AND, NO- they're not doing it in their sleep! Not when at the slightest sound they all roll over or quick move their hand. I've really quickly reached down there and felt her hand there and she just says it's on her thigh). Just get it out of her by not being angry or confrontational, but by really peacefully telling her you're not leaving the conversation until it's discussed truthfully because you can't sleep and you need to. And do it with love. I know none of them want to hurt us. It's just an addiction/long-time habit.

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                              • All i can add, is that i am a happily married woman of 17 yrs, have a very enjoyable and active sex life. I masturbate when i feel the need to, plain and simple, no reasons ,no problems, just pure active fun. If i do this in the evening before bed, its because i want to relax and have a great night of sleep, sometimes i do it in the bath or shower whatever time of the day to just have simple relief. I dont replace sex for masturbation of vise versa, its just a "whenever" type of activity, alone or in bed with my husband awake or asleep, it makes no difference to me or us.He enjoys watching me if he's awake and he enjoys the fact that i can pleasure myself and be happy.

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