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Is my wife masturbating when she thinks I'm asleep?

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  • My wife's whole attitude toward sex seems to have changed at some time in maybe the last 8 months, and the reason has been a mystery to me, but I'm wondering now if it's because she caught me in the act? I was showering one morning when she walked in unexpectedly; I stopped immediately and she didn't say anything but I know she noticed my state. When I stepped out of the shower a couple minutes later (having given up!), she came back into the bathroom, walked up to me and fondled me lightly and said we could go back to bed "if there's something you need." She was just accommodating a need, and i don't think we were in bed more than 5 minutes, but I did tell her later how much I appreciated it!
    But my whole point is that we have been having much more frequent sex ever since about that time. Sometimes "good" emotionally satisfying sex, but sometimes just providing a service to one or the other of us.

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    • Originally posted by Texasred View Post
      I'm wondering now if it's because she caught me in the act?
      is that the first time she ever caught you?

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      • Yep, I'm sure it was the first time she caught me!

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        • This whole idea of being "caught" is a strange concept to me. It implies shame. It implies doing something naughty that shouldn't be done. Now, there are things some people would prefer to keep to themselves. Relieving one's self in the restroom is a rather private matter, for example, and not one I'd particularly care to discuss with my husband. I would not consider my reluctance to discuss something private with him as not being honest. Does a person have to tell their mate every single thing on demand? That's patently unreasonable. If I want to relieve my sexual tension in private, there is nobody on earth that has a right to demand that I discuss it with them if I don't want to. Personally, I'd probably want to, but not if it was demanded as if an explanation was some sort of right another person had to my privacy.

          Frankly, I don't see that it matters whether someone is "sleep masturbating" or whacking their muffin with reckless abandon in the middle of the afternoon. Whether they want to share that with someone else, even a spouse, is their own business. It is not something a person is required to explain to anyone.

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          • Originally posted by cathygirl View Post
            This whole idea of being "caught" is a strange concept to me. It implies shame. It implies doing something naughty that shouldn't be done. Now, there are things some people would prefer to keep to themselves. Relieving one's self in the restroom is a rather private matter, for example, and not one I'd particularly care to discuss with my husband. I would not consider my reluctance to discuss something private with him as not being honest. Does a person have to tell their mate every single thing on demand? That's patently unreasonable. If I want to relieve my sexual tension in private, there is nobody on earth that has a right to demand that I discuss it with them if I don't want to. Personally, I'd probably want to, but not if it was demanded as if an explanation was some sort of right another person had to my privacy.

            Frankly, I don't see that it matters whether someone is "sleep masturbating" or whacking their muffin with reckless abandon in the middle of the afternoon. Whether they want to share that with someone else, even a spouse, is their own business. It is not something a person is required to explain to anyone.
            I agree with you far beyond 100%. Getting caught does imply doing something improper or shameful.

            My ex-g/f was so darn comfortable with me that she'd masturbate in front of me. I didn't care. In fact, I've always encouraged her. But then again, she has never neglected me in favor of using her sex toys. She was too embarrassed to buy sex toys, so she'd ask me to buy them for her.

            Many years ago I helped a woman friend move. I opened a drawer to dump stuff out of it & her vibrator fell onto her bed. She was upset with me because I saw her vibrator. Did she really believe that I thought she was the only woman to use one? My guess is at least 80% of women have one. Big feaking deal. Who cares?

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            • Your story could have been written by me, except that my wife and I are much older. I have noticed nocturnal activity exactly as you describe only fairly recently We were brought up at a time when the message drummed into every youngster from all directions was that nice girls do not want or need sex. It was supposed to be a service they provided reluctantly only when the partner had demonstrated the right level of commitment and fidelity.

              As a result of this early conditioning, my wife is still extremely uncomfortable if the subject of sex is raised in a conversation, even just with me. It has taken decades to persuade her to try anything new, even though she almost invariably enjoys the novelty when she does.

              There is no doubt that my wife spends a significant part of each night playing with herself equally no doubt that she is asleep when doing so. As others have observed with their partners, my wife reaches some form of climax two or three times a night but these are nothing like as intense as her conscious orgasms.

              Like many contributors, I also have the distinct feeling that there are three people in the bedroom, me, my wife and the person she becomes when asleep. I have tried to introduce my wife to that sleeping person by putting a camera where it can constantly view her. That hasn't been very successful. Although asleep, that third person is still aware of her environment and determined to maintain her privacy. She will always ensure that a duvet covers her when she is "busy" and activity will pause if she becomes aware that I am taking an interest.

              At first my wife refused to accept even the possibility that she might be doing such a thing and even after seeing video showing some fairly clear [but not conclusive] evidence of her nocturnal activity, she was still 90% certain that I was mistaken. Only after coming across this forum & reading so many accounts that matched mine did she start to believe that I might be correct.

              The one feature that is common to all these accounts and may be the cause of the behaviour is that all the women involved seem to have deeply ingrained beliefs about the level of sexual need that is acceptable for a woman, as a result of the propaganda that they were subjected to as children. It may be that there is a serious mis-match between the level they are able to accept consciously and their true [much higher] level of actual need. The only way they can cope with this is to satisfy the "excess" demands of their bodies while asleep.

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              • My partner does it all the time. I don't ever say anything. It's hot and she feels comfortable to do it. I've done it once but it was too messy haha

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