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Is my wife masturbating when she thinks I'm asleep?

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  • partlycloudy
    started a topic Is my wife masturbating when she thinks I'm asleep?

    Is my wife masturbating when she thinks I'm asleep?

    Hi, everyone. I'm new here. I've read through a few threads (which I think show off the smarts and supportive nature of this community) in the hope of finding some relief, but I'm still losing sleep (and feeling sick to my stomach).

    I think my wife might be masturbating at night when she thinks I'm asleep. I'm 41 and she's 44. I hate to use the word "confront" to describe the way I recently brought it up, but I have to admit that no matter how I try to broach subjects like this, she feels that it's a confrontation, or that I'm accusing her of something. I try very hard to avoid this, but I think I am failing at it. Talking about her own masturbation (which she claims almost never to do) makes her uncomfortable. So I get right away that she might be feeling defensive.

    At any rate, I asked her about it and she denied it. In fact, she sort of laughed at me for even thinking such a thing.

    To back up a little, we had a conversation a couple of months ago about masturbating in bed. It's something that I'll occasionally do openly in bed at night if we don't have sex (I tend to have a stronger libido than she--or at least we've agreed that that is the case). She said she doesn't mind that I do this and is in fact encouraging of it. (I still feel a little embarrassed about it, but...oh well.) I told her in this conversation a couple of months ago that if ever she were awake while I was doing it, I'd be more than happy for her to join in, or to simply "be with me" while I masturbate. She agreed readily. (She's very generous about trying to meet my sexual needs.) I also added that she should feel free to masturbate, too, in bed at night, since I know she doesn't have a lot of free time between her full-time job and our seven-year-old daughter and other stuff. I told her it was a huge turn-on for me to see her masturbate and that I also like hearing her tell stories about when she masturbates. (She's usually very reluctant, however, to share these.) She nodded agreeably at this but didn't seem terribly interested, so I let it go. We'll masturbate in front of each other sometimes as a part of sex, and this seems to go okay, though it takes her much longer to climax, than with any other kind of sex. Her private masturbation is definitely not something she likes to talk about. So, okay. That's cool.

    Last summer I started developing these little fantasies that she was masturbating in bed next to me. Sometimes it'd be a sound or a movement--the air conditioner whispering the way a limb does when it moves under the sheets, for instance, or the actual kick of a leg (she occasionally has periodic limb movements as she's falling asleep). I say "fantasies" because that's all they seemed to turn out to be. I couldn't ever tell, and it always seemed that, in the end, she was asleep. A couple of times I'd get so turned on, though, that I'd masturbate, which I guess I did without her noticing (or at least responding). Then this all kind of faded away.

    The last couple of weeks, though, something is definitely up. I'm a very light sleeper and will even wake sometimes if the cover sheet shifts over my bare skin. She's a very heavy sleeper who doesn't usually move around all that much. Lately, though, she's been awake in the middle of the night. A LOT. And very, um, restless.

    She's also been making a lot of comments about her being awake while I'm asleep, which is unusual. (I think she thinks I'm asleep more than I am--usually I'm trying to GET to sleep and, either way, I'm extremely easy to wake.)

    Anyway, at first I started listening, my heart beating, hard, way up in my throat, trying to distinguish between pleasuring and the settling sounds of her legs. I can't even begin to describe the excitement and the turn-on I was feeling (was that the sound of her gathering saliva at the tips of her fingers and shifting her hand under the sheets?). At the same time, I was trying very hard to not let my imagination run away with me, because I didn't want to be up all night with all sorts of sexual energy. I told myself I crazy for keeping myself up listening, when I have such a hard time getting enough sleep as it is. Plus I guess I didn't think she'd do it because she wouldn't want to risk my waking up and catching her. Still, I'd lie very still and try not to "interrupt."

    One night, though, I turned over to maybe get a glimpse of her and I found her on her stomach, with her arms under her, which didn't seem like a very useful position for masturbating. "Okay, she's just sleeping," I told myself. I settled my head on my pillow. But then she pulled her arms out, lifted her head, and said, impatiently, "You're still awake!?" She sounded annoyed and I was thinking to myself, "What? We both know I have a hard time sleeping!" The next morning, I asked her about it ("What was that about" I said), and she laughed sheepishly and shrugged and said, "I don't know."

    On subsequent nights I noticed that I would only hear noises and feel movements when I faced away from her. As soon as I turned over to face her, everything would stop. If I let my imagination run free, I'd even think I heard her pajama bottoms' or her panties' waistband snap against her skin as she jerked her hand out. "But you're just being crazy," I told myself. "Stop being so obsessive and try to get some sleep." I even thought one night that I heard her squeeze some lubricant out of the pump bottle we keep on the headboard shelf. Or maybe I was hoping she had.

    One night there was a lot of activity that didn't seem to resolve in any way. Again, I told myself to stop imagining things, but I was so turned on that I wanted to masturbate, myself. I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but I uncovered myself all the way and masturbated in full view, without hiding any sound or movement--thinking that I'd show her that it was okay, it was nothing that had to be hidden. (Such hubris!) She was very quiet during this, as if asleep. And then as soon as I finished, cooled down, and rolled over to face away from her, all her activity started over again. After a while, it felt as if she was spreading her legs and lifting her hips into the air. This was accompanied by the sound of vigorous stroking that seemed like--what else!--an orgasmic frenzy. I thought my heart was going to explode and my mouth got all dry. This ended her activity for the night. After a while she turned over and shifted in her pillows. The sun was coming up. I got so turned on again that after a while I reached over to touch her. I guess I was expecting her to be more wet inside than she was, so I didn't feel like I could tell, positively, whether or not she'd masturbated. I brought her to a vaginal orgasm with my fingers and then she reached for me, but I directed her hand back on herself while I masturbated.

    After we finished I asked her if she'd been masturbating and she said yes. But it turned out that she meant what she was doing when I placed her own hand between her legs. I asked her if she knew that I'd masturbated (I meant earlier that night). Again, she referred to what we'd just done. I asked her if she'd been masturbating in bed lately, and she laughed. No, she said. What about that vigorous stroking? I asked. Oh, she said, she'd just shaved her bikini line that day and was scratching an itch. Okay, I said, but what about the lubricant? Oh, she said, I probably mistook that for my glass of water at first--they're close together. Okay, I thought, I'm imagining things. I told her that it was of course okay if she was masturbating. I was in fact turned on by the idea of it. I find her incredibly attractive and I love it when she has pleasure. I just told her that I'd probably want to to be reminded every once in a while that I was doing/being everything she needed from us sexually (or helped to understand how I can make anything better). Again the not-entirely-interested-in-pursuing-this-conversation nod. "I'm not masturbating in bed at night," she reiterated, "unless I'm doing it in my sleep." We both agreed that this was pretty unlikely. And I do feel that it is, given how she's so aware of my own movements and so confident of our sleeping statuses at any given time.

    I'm feeling lately, though, that I don't believe her when she denies it.

    On vacation last week, we slept on a very bouncy mattress in a beach house and I swear she was up almost half the time doing SOMEthing. And then stopping when I rolled over to face her or to get up and use the bathroom. I was getting hardly any sleep (and she was claiming not to, as well). After sex one afternoon, I jokingly asked her again about it, and she shook her head and laughed.

    Then last night, the same kind of thing. A bunch of activity. Complaints/comments about my being awake. My lying absolutely still for well more than an hour, my arm fallen asleep under the pillow, while her "restlessness" shivers the bed; imagining that I hear her pulling her pajamas and underpants down, that I hear her bring the lubricant bottle under the sheets with her; my heart pounding now in a way that feels more like stress than excitement; no longer sure how to bring this up or what to do, except to say, "Hey, whatever you're doing at night is keeping me awake." Feeling less turned on than resentful. And then feeling bad for feeling that way.

    Whereas before I really wanted her to be masturbating in bed, thinking I was asleep, now I hope she's not. Because that'll mean she's continuing to lie to me, even if I do understand her reluctance to talk about certain things. But if she's not, then it'll also mean that I'm obsessive and crazy. (This, I guess, is your cue to chuckle at the escalation of obsession and crazy that is this post.)

    I feel like I check in regularly about our sex life: Are there things she'd like to try? Fantasies she'd like to play out? Ways to shake things up? Is she happy? etc. She has a vibrator, but she doesn't seem to use it very often. Never any substantive reply beyond "everything's fine." I worry sometimes because my libido is stronger than hers and so the focus is often more on me and my needs, but when I check in with her, she says it's fine--she's happy with the way things are. If she's not, I don't know how I'll ever know.

    When we got together twelve years ago, she struggled with having orgasms of any kind. Now she has them every single time I go down on her, and her vaginal orgasms (mostly achieved manually) are absolute gushers--they make basketball-sized wet spots on the sheets. I try to be attentive to her stated need for occasional nonsexual intimate contact between us, but, you know, other than that, I'm not really sure what else to do when I can't get any information out of her.

    This is where I (lamely) complain about being brought up to be open and honest, sensitive and communicative in relationships and how I feel like it's kind of actually not working for me.

    I know that masturbation's tough, that most of us are made to feel bad about it when we're little (especially when we're, like my wife, [ex]Catholic) and that it's a lot to overcome. I also get it that people have varying privacy needs, and I try to respect hers (though it's my sense that she does not always feel that I do). The problem is that I'm just not the sort of person who feels comfortable always having to be the only forthright, open, honest party in the relationship, the one with the needs, the one who knows less about what's going on. It's that old "power resides with the one with the least interest" sort of thing, I guess. And I'm definitely not comfortable with being lied to, not after I've worked like crazy to achieve what I thought was a healthy, open sex life with someone who struggled with her sexuality for many, many years. I try to give her a break, I really do, but maybe I'm not? Or not enough?

    I want so badly to avoid being a jerk about this.

    I need to maintain a sense of trust in what my wife tells me in order to feel comfortable in the ways that my own sexuality makes me vulnerable.

    I don't want to be obsessive and crazy.

    And I need sleep--way more sleep.

    Of course, I haven't verified or proven that anything AT ALL is going on. So I could be crazy. It could all be in my head.

    Is this all in my head?

    Thanks in advance for any and all help.

  • MrMr
    replied
    My partner does it all the time. I don't ever say anything. It's hot and she feels comfortable to do it. I've done it once but it was too messy haha

    Leave a comment:


  • Podlian
    replied
    Your story could have been written by me, except that my wife and I are much older. I have noticed nocturnal activity exactly as you describe only fairly recently We were brought up at a time when the message drummed into every youngster from all directions was that nice girls do not want or need sex. It was supposed to be a service they provided reluctantly only when the partner had demonstrated the right level of commitment and fidelity.

    As a result of this early conditioning, my wife is still extremely uncomfortable if the subject of sex is raised in a conversation, even just with me. It has taken decades to persuade her to try anything new, even though she almost invariably enjoys the novelty when she does.

    There is no doubt that my wife spends a significant part of each night playing with herself equally no doubt that she is asleep when doing so. As others have observed with their partners, my wife reaches some form of climax two or three times a night but these are nothing like as intense as her conscious orgasms.

    Like many contributors, I also have the distinct feeling that there are three people in the bedroom, me, my wife and the person she becomes when asleep. I have tried to introduce my wife to that sleeping person by putting a camera where it can constantly view her. That hasn't been very successful. Although asleep, that third person is still aware of her environment and determined to maintain her privacy. She will always ensure that a duvet covers her when she is "busy" and activity will pause if she becomes aware that I am taking an interest.

    At first my wife refused to accept even the possibility that she might be doing such a thing and even after seeing video showing some fairly clear [but not conclusive] evidence of her nocturnal activity, she was still 90% certain that I was mistaken. Only after coming across this forum & reading so many accounts that matched mine did she start to believe that I might be correct.

    The one feature that is common to all these accounts and may be the cause of the behaviour is that all the women involved seem to have deeply ingrained beliefs about the level of sexual need that is acceptable for a woman, as a result of the propaganda that they were subjected to as children. It may be that there is a serious mis-match between the level they are able to accept consciously and their true [much higher] level of actual need. The only way they can cope with this is to satisfy the "excess" demands of their bodies while asleep.

    Leave a comment:


  • WaveRider
    replied
    Originally posted by cathygirl View Post
    This whole idea of being "caught" is a strange concept to me. It implies shame. It implies doing something naughty that shouldn't be done. Now, there are things some people would prefer to keep to themselves. Relieving one's self in the restroom is a rather private matter, for example, and not one I'd particularly care to discuss with my husband. I would not consider my reluctance to discuss something private with him as not being honest. Does a person have to tell their mate every single thing on demand? That's patently unreasonable. If I want to relieve my sexual tension in private, there is nobody on earth that has a right to demand that I discuss it with them if I don't want to. Personally, I'd probably want to, but not if it was demanded as if an explanation was some sort of right another person had to my privacy.

    Frankly, I don't see that it matters whether someone is "sleep masturbating" or whacking their muffin with reckless abandon in the middle of the afternoon. Whether they want to share that with someone else, even a spouse, is their own business. It is not something a person is required to explain to anyone.
    I agree with you far beyond 100%. Getting caught does imply doing something improper or shameful.

    My ex-g/f was so darn comfortable with me that she'd masturbate in front of me. I didn't care. In fact, I've always encouraged her. But then again, she has never neglected me in favor of using her sex toys. She was too embarrassed to buy sex toys, so she'd ask me to buy them for her.

    Many years ago I helped a woman friend move. I opened a drawer to dump stuff out of it & her vibrator fell onto her bed. She was upset with me because I saw her vibrator. Did she really believe that I thought she was the only woman to use one? My guess is at least 80% of women have one. Big feaking deal. Who cares?

    Leave a comment:


  • cathygirl
    replied
    This whole idea of being "caught" is a strange concept to me. It implies shame. It implies doing something naughty that shouldn't be done. Now, there are things some people would prefer to keep to themselves. Relieving one's self in the restroom is a rather private matter, for example, and not one I'd particularly care to discuss with my husband. I would not consider my reluctance to discuss something private with him as not being honest. Does a person have to tell their mate every single thing on demand? That's patently unreasonable. If I want to relieve my sexual tension in private, there is nobody on earth that has a right to demand that I discuss it with them if I don't want to. Personally, I'd probably want to, but not if it was demanded as if an explanation was some sort of right another person had to my privacy.

    Frankly, I don't see that it matters whether someone is "sleep masturbating" or whacking their muffin with reckless abandon in the middle of the afternoon. Whether they want to share that with someone else, even a spouse, is their own business. It is not something a person is required to explain to anyone.

    Leave a comment:


  • Texasred
    replied
    Yep, I'm sure it was the first time she caught me!

    Leave a comment:


  • amy40
    replied
    Originally posted by Texasred View Post
    I'm wondering now if it's because she caught me in the act?
    is that the first time she ever caught you?

    Leave a comment:


  • Texasred
    replied
    My wife's whole attitude toward sex seems to have changed at some time in maybe the last 8 months, and the reason has been a mystery to me, but I'm wondering now if it's because she caught me in the act? I was showering one morning when she walked in unexpectedly; I stopped immediately and she didn't say anything but I know she noticed my state. When I stepped out of the shower a couple minutes later (having given up!), she came back into the bathroom, walked up to me and fondled me lightly and said we could go back to bed "if there's something you need." She was just accommodating a need, and i don't think we were in bed more than 5 minutes, but I did tell her later how much I appreciated it!
    But my whole point is that we have been having much more frequent sex ever since about that time. Sometimes "good" emotionally satisfying sex, but sometimes just providing a service to one or the other of us.

    Leave a comment:


  • WaveRider
    replied
    Partlycouldy,

    Who cares if she masturbates while she thinks you're sleeping? I've never cared if women masturbated with me awake and aware of her activity of if I was sleeping. I've never discouraged women from masturbating. In fact, I've encouraged women to masturbate. Women know how to get themselves off. If they want to masturbate, I'm good.

    However, if she masturbates rather than doing you, that would be a problem. You gotta be prepared for truth. She might tell you that you don't know how to get her off. If that's the case, let her teach you. If she doesn't want to have sex with you for another reason, that could be a huge problem.

    I've bought sex toys for women. My last g/f told me right after we began dating that she had never used sex toys. I believed her because her ex-husband was clueless about sex. I bought her a small vibrator. From there, it grew to a sizable collection that includes anal plugs. She loves 'em. Sometimes I'll use them on her. Sometimes she'll use them on herself. Sometimes she'll sit in front of me giving me an unobstructed view of her working herself. However, her preferred method of orgasm is tongue music on her clit. She has MASSIVE orgasms with a vibrator working inside of her vajayjay, an anal plug in place, and my tongue playing rock & roll on her clit. But if she wants to do herself, I'm good. She has told me that she has wished that she had known about pleasure of sex toys long before I had introduced them to her.

    My ex is authentic bedroom porn star. I have video of her working herself with vibrators.

    Try surprising her with a vibrator. It might result in a lot of excitement.

    Leave a comment:


  • Sunflowers1970
    replied
    Wow im having same situation except mine might be alot worse..ive seen him and he denies it! Says he cant help what he dreams but how can anybody be dreaming when the person raises head as if looking to see if you still awame or not and the thing you said about facing your partner...oh boy i know that all too well!!!! As soon as he knows im awake he will turn over...matter of fact in that situation as we speak! Lime he just turned his head to me then turned it back but shaking his head cause im still awake....oh im messing up his plans....oh well and appartlly he doesnt understand or care how it makes me feel that he does this and lie right to my face about it!!#

    Leave a comment:


  • jns
    replied
    Welcome to WH! Please give us more details about your relationship related to why you think it would end due to unconscious masturbation.

    Leave a comment:


  • itsnotfun
    replied
    I was told almost two years ago that I have been masturbating at night. I have no recollection of it, and I have gone as far as making gloves with sand paper on the, gloves with hair brush bristles in the finger tips and tying my hands to the top of the bed so I couldnt reach past my shoulders. At no point has any of these woken me up, or causes chafing to my genitalia as I had hoped. This has become a huge horrible issue in my life. My partner insists that I am awake, because my eyes ate open. I have been to one sleep clinic, they diagnosed me with sleep apnea and wanted to sell me a CPAP. I am not doing it intentionally, I have no memory of it, and I would definitely not continue this, as it has caused so much trouble in my relationship. I have hope, Im working on getting into another sleep study, where I have to be monitored by people watching me, something got to give. Im not saying some of these women arent really doing it on purpose, but maybe some arent, please dont make them feel like me. Im not lying, I just want it to stop! This is going to end my relationship, he is so upset by this. I am trying to see it from his point of view, and it would for sure injure my pride if he were doing it. Im at my wits end. Does anyone have real advice?

    Leave a comment:


  • jns
    replied
    Originally posted by Stillness View Post
    What did she say when you showed her the recording? Did she admit to it?
    I'd like to know the outcome of this.

    Leave a comment:


  • SpankedWife
    replied
    My husband and I have sex about twice a month but It's FANTASTIC every time.
    He works long hours and our kids take a lot out of us. He often falls asleep while sitting in the living after the kids are in bed. I don't fault him one bit for being too tired. He is an excellent provider. He is also the sole bread winner.
    I am not always fulfilled by our routine. Which is why I usually masturbate 1 or 2 times a week. Usually while he is asleep right next to me.
    I try to be as quiet and still as I can so he doesn't catch me but I would never lie to him if he asked me about it.
    I bet he is also masturbating sometimes. Like others have said, sometimes you're just too tired to roll in the sack for an hour.

    My opinion: don't take it personally if your wife is not willing to admit that she is masturbating. It's embarassing to us. I think if anyone in a marriage is being denied sex on a regular basis but then finds out that the spouse is masturbating instead, then there is something wrong there. That's the issue to tackle.

    Leave a comment:


  • Stillness
    replied
    Originally posted by gracieloui View Post
    Even videoed her.
    What did she say when you showed her the recording? Did she admit to it?

    Leave a comment:

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