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Husband upset because I don't want sex

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  • So sad, a partnership includes everything. Sex is a way a man shows his love. I am dealing with a wife now that doesn't like sex. I try to be adventurous spontaneous and loving.
    I kiss her everytime we leave for work.
    I send flowers and gifts to her job. I come home and grab her lovingly. But I am told all I care about is sex. I miss kissing her and loving on her.
    I am push away and allow once a month if its between 0300 an 0500 in the morning.
    I love her and have for 26 years. Now I will be a married lonely guy paying for vacations and a nice home for a wife that wants it all without a mutual sex life.
    I keep saying my cold shower keeps me from stranging.
    Wiccan

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    • Wicccan, was it always like this, or did things change?

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      • Have you looked into herbs and vitamins that could increase your sex drive?
        I know that exercise helps as well.

        Here is one that I know works. **** Ginko Biloba- Ginkgo biloba was reported to have a positive effect on all four phases of the sexual response cycle: desire, excitement (lubrication), orgasm, and resolution (afterglow).

        Comment


        • God this all sounds so familiar, I have a high sex drive and like most of the guys on here I want it 24/7. Unfortunately once/twice a month is the norm. I feel like I pester her which puts her off. It's a vicious circle. She tells me what she needs to feel turned on, when I do these things she sees me as wanting sex and sees me as pestering again. We've been together since 06 and married since 2010. It's the norm now. We love each other but I am incredibly frustrated. She used to dress up, swallowed during oral, role played, enjoyed anal etc. it was incredibly exciting. She has had an exciting sexual background before we became an item so I feel kind of cheated as well despite my love for her. But it's all changed now. We have spoken about this many times. She loves me very much and I feel terribly guilty about the way I feel about this but sex is important to me and not to her. I've tried all sorts. Read books on oral sex that I never get to do for her, tried to give her massages which she turns down, suggested tantric sex. I know why she turns it all down; because it means I want sex and so she feels pressured and shuts down. I get depressed and quiet and resentful sometimes. I feel why should I give her the hugs and kisses which she (and I!) enjoys when she rejects the vast majority of my advances. It's a destructive attitude which I always manage to get out of it by thinking positive. This is just an ongoing thing now, the norm. I see no way to change the situation. I'm 35 she is 40. I worry that she seems to be denying HERSELF sex as well as me. We are both young still. What will it be like in ten years.

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          • Hi Jones. Welcome to the forum.

            As you know, this is a popular topic for both men and women -- mismatched sex drives. in my view, intimacy is critically important for men. It is one of the strongest ways in we connect emotionally with our partners. What troubles me most about your story is that she tells you what she needs you to do for her to be turned on .... you do them .... and then she still does not want to be intimate. That is not loving behavior. People in love want to please their partners. What she does not realize is that the continued lack of sex will eat at you and your commitment to the relationship.

            Frankly, I do not believe her excuse. There could be something wrong medically. Sex is also the first thing that suffers when the relationship sours. I suggest that the two of you go to therapy and deal with all of the issues in the marriage. Learn the best methods to communicate about all issues. Most importantly, be assertive. You must be willing to change if she is willing to deal with your issue. Your marriage is at stake.
            "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

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            • Jones, when did your sex life start to lessen? Does she view sex as nothing special (maybe due to her background)?
              I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
              ...
              Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

              From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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              • Perhaps a lot of you will also disagree with me here, but I know A LOT of women don't want / don't like sex, could be because they never get to o with their horny hb or they just not happy with him ,whatever the reason is , I do know they're a lot out there. For me, I love sex, I think of it 5-6 times almost everyday but I will rather refuse sex when my hb advance it because I'm no longer wanting to provide " wifey duty" , I cannot provide myself for the 2 min sex for his pleasure, as much as I've addressed the problem, he makes no improvement, I'm no longer wanting to provide. So I hope Damien ,this is not the problem ?? You don't enjoy having O??

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                • Originally posted by Findingluckystar View Post
                  Perhaps a lot of you will also disagree with me here, but I know A LOT of women don't want / don't like sex, could be because they never get to o with their horny hb or they just not happy with him ,whatever the reason is , I do know they're a lot out there.
                  You will get no argument from me on the number of women and men who have little sex drive, but I believe the reason behind it is the most important thing. If it is because the marriage is broken, then the marriage should be fixed. If it is because your partner lacks the skill set to make it pleasurable, that too can and should be fixed.

                  But, IMHO, if marriage means anything, it should include knowing and satisfying your partners needs, wants and desires. Pleasing one's spouse in all respects should bring us pleasure. Clearly there are basic needs we all have in a marriage -- appreciation, empathy, intimacy, physical and emotional well being, financial stability, compassion. Intentionally denying those things to a partner puts distance between them and eventually leads to a ******-for-tat life, cheating (emotional or physical) and divorce.

                  Intimacy is an essential component of every marriage. When it dies, so does a big part of the marriage.
                  "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                  Comment


                  • I would say I am on your other side in my situation.

                    My feelings are being inadequate and not wanted when I get rejected. When I feel that sex is something my SO have to give me and not wanting, it feels terrible and destroys any feeling of being wanted and lusted for. And all I'm left with is an empty feeling of not being good enough. It also hurts emotionally, and destroys confidence.

                    Sex for me is something you should enjoy to give your partner, and satisfying their needs. I would do pretty much everything my wife would want, for her. And I like to think that one day she might feel the same thing, the other way.

                    When it comes to not being able to enjoy sex. I hope you can figure it out. Since I believe that everyone could enjoy this. But since you struggle even with masturbation, I would look at other aspects of your life. Mainly if there are things you struggle with internally. This can be many things. If you go with unresolved issues this can have large unwanted effects. I struggle with a lot of bad things myself from my childhood that makes me unable to appreciate things in my grown life. For me sex did not go in this category, but can this be the case for you? In that case I would try to resolve these. And involving your husband in this would most likely make him understand more. But you need to feel confident in doing so.

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by effy2014 View Post
                      Hi Jones. Welcome to the forum.

                      As you know, this is a popular topic for both men and women -- mismatched sex drives. in my view, intimacy is critically important for men. It is one of the strongest ways in we connect emotionally with our partners. What troubles me most about your story is that she tells you what she needs you to do for her to be turned on .... you do them .... and then she still does not want to be intimate. That is not loving behavior. People in love want to please their partners. What she does not realize is that the continued lack of sex will eat at you and your commitment to the relationship.



                      Frankly, I do not believe her excuse. There could be something wrong medically. Sex is also the first thing that suffers when the relationship sours. I suggest that the two of you go to therapy and deal with all of the issues in the marriage. Learn the best methods to communicate about all issues. Most importantly, be assertive. You must be willing to change if she is willing to deal with your issue. Your marriage is at stake.

                      The other morning I was very hard thinking about her and she saw me laying in the bed. I was sort of waiting to see if she would notice and, you know, react. I know women need lots of build up etc but it was morning wood. She came in and hugged me and lay with me. Then she told me how intimidating she found my erection and she was analysing the whole situation to a crazy degree. I'm laying there not understanding what is happening. I just wanted to make love to my wife. Then she stopped and said "I over analyse, I can't switch my brain off and just enjoy how things feel". I felt sorry for her at that point.

                      It's pressure. She has an analytical type job in the insurance industry and I think she sees my desire for sex as another form of pressure that is switching her off.

                      Strangely we do have a good relationship despite this. But it does eat away at me sometimes. Sometimes I think 'well, this could get worse. I love her and want to stay with her but I NEED sex. What's the answer, do I go see an escort a few times a month'. That's a horrible thing to think. I want HER.

                      We have discussed this many times now but she seems unwilling for us to see a sex therapist I don't think she really realises how important sex is for a man.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by jns View Post
                        Jones, when did your sex life start to lessen? Does she view sex as nothing special (maybe due to her background)?
                        Can't place when it started really, just before we got married or just after I think. Around that time.

                        In terms of her background what I meant is she has had a couple of threesomes, ********buddies etc.

                        She doesn't seem to view sex as being important. It's always at the bottom of the list of important things. Been told a few times I should be worrying about other stuff.

                        When we do have sex it is good. But it is mostly centred around her. When she cums it's over no chance of seconds. It sometimes sounds as though she treats it as a job, but a job she enjoys. The attitude is sometimes 'why do you want this again? We did this yesterday/this morning'.

                        I'm trying hard to understand how womens tick. Hence me being on this forum. I wish she would try and understand a guys mind particularly when it comes to the physical side of things.
                        At the end of the day I want her to want me. But her job is interfering I think, as I said in my last post.

                        Comment


                        • I find it an easy problem to understand.

                          She had to tell you what she liked. And when you do it, she gets the feeling you didn't have the initiative to do those things before, you had to ask, and that you're only doing them to get your reward, not because you actually enjoy giving her pleasure. When you had your chance to see she wasn't getting her part of the sex deal and do something about it, you didn't bother doing those things for her. You're all interested now, because you suffer the consequences of her lack of interest. You aren't doing anything for her. You're doing it for yourself.

                          Mismatched sex drive is many times due to something very simple: people want to feel as if there was something magnanimous about giving pleasure.

                          I want to be pleased in bed. In exchange, I please my partner. It's simple. We all do things for rewards. That's the reason the species survives. But we don't like that. The paradigm is that we should be all very, super concerned with other's happiness, unselfish. We are, surely, but up to the level we're getting something in return. That is perceived as wrong and we're all in denial, we want to be better, to be magnanimous. And we want people to be the same.

                          Utopia rubbish.

                          So, in practice. Most (nowhere I'm saying NONE: I'm saying most) women don't get orgasms from intercourse. And yet, clitoris play is often done in manners that make the woman feel as if that was some extra she might get, or not. Unless you're going for reproduction, pleasure is the only standard for sex. Hers/his and yours. But whatever it is that can bring her to an orgasm, it is as some added thing, not the main part of sex. Many men do it as if they were doing a favor, or they make the woman feel as if it was a favor.

                          There is intercourse, for instance, and the clitoris play is something that may happen, time and energy allowing, etc. It isn't granted. It is some added value, an accessory to the main thing. But the "main thing" doesn't make most women orgasm.

                          How many men out there would continue going for sex if he only got an orgasm sometimes.

                          And what if most times, when he did get an orgasm, he was made to feel the main part of sex was something else, and whatever was being done to him to help him get an orgasm, was an accessory, almost like a compulsory act she was doing for him?

                          It goes both ways, but ultimately, it is much easier for a man to orgasm than it is for women. And yet, most of the time, a sex session is being spent with stuff that drives him to orgasm, not her.

                          Many of the things you cite she used to do and isn't doing anymore are the stuff that most (I'm saying most, not all) women only do to please her man. Swallowing, anal... it can bring pleasure to the woman, surely, but how many women are having orgasms purely from swallowing, or from anal? What's the incentive to keep doing something that isn't really directly going to work for your own orgasm year after year? Women aren't self-sacrificing saints!

                          Suppose you enjoy when people play with your nipples. You love it. It's arousing... but you can't orgasm from that. That's what I'm talking about. Then, you get all hot with the nipple play... only to be unsatisfied at the end, because your orgasm hasn't happened.

                          A man will get an orgasm from anal. Most men will. What is the percentage of women who get orgasms purely from the friction and fullness of a penis in their anus? It's a tiny percentage, if any. Enjoyable, surely, for many women, myself included. Orgasm stuff? No, only for a microscopic minority of women.

                          Intercourse. It's so good. I love it. I crave it. But I won't orgasms purely from it. I need something going on on my clitoris to achieve that. And I'm not trying to reproduce. So, why should intercourse, for instance, be the main part of sex for me, and clitoris stimulation be something that it is added, or not, depending on position, or something.

                          A lot of time of a sex session is spent on all sorts of stuff that won't make most women orgasm. Then, some time is given to the stuff that actually can accomplish it. Or the stuff that can accomplish it is done at the beginning, so that they can move on when that is covered. Please, read on.

                          I find it quite telling some men are proud to say their women come first, so, they give them plenty of oral at the beginning, then proceeding to intercourse, or something. That and the thing that after a man orgasms, he's often off it for a while.

                          But why are men thinking that women, after they orgasm from their male partners efforts on the preliminaries, are still in the mood for the rest of what sex is going to be? Guys are off it after orgasm... women are supposed to be on it after they orgasm? I don't see the logic. Why would that be? Because it is convenient for the man?

                          My point: if you want to keep your woman interested on having sex, thinking that it is worth the bother, don't isolate her orgasm and the things that make her have an O from the core of a sex session. It isn't really something to be proud of to give her an orgasm at the beginning, then move on to other sex stuff, expecting her to be still in the mood after an O. Instead, move together. A sex session should be all about both of you, the whole of it.

                          Many women end up feeling hurt about the sex thing for different reasons: guy had to be told what to do, instead of using his creativity and informing himself and being experimental, proactive for her pleasure. Guy dashes to give her an orgasm, as if he had to check some item off a list, before moving on to what he really wants. Guy thinks it is normal and OK, sometimes, to have sex for his release only. Guy seems to think only oral can give her an orgasm and neglect all the other great stuff.

                          Women aren't self-sacrificing saints. Men either. We do things to please each other, we do have a lot of satisfaction by just pleasing our partners, men and women, but it can't be only that. That is good, fantastic, but won't be enough to make us keep coming back for more, year after year. If we feel as if we were being taken advantage of (of our goodwill), we will feel hurt. We will go out of it.

                          My words may seem harsh. I'm just trying to get the point across, since lots of people think it is a mysterious thing.

                          Change the sex paradigm. It isn't pleasing her, then getting yours. And the "normal" things in sex aren't the things our ancestors did for reproduction... unless that's your only aim. While we're having sex, we should be all the time giving stimulation that will make the other keep coming back for more, year after year. You should accept nothing else and you should give nothing else.

                          And she is right. You are doing certain things now, because you want to have a sexual life. You can't erase all the other months (years?) just by giving a massage, for instance, after she had to tell you she'd like one. People aren't that naive.

                          Comment


                          • Ok, must admit I read your response and got annoyed. Then read it again and you have some great points there. Thank you.

                            I'm not a selfish lover. Maybe I was in the past but now I try, I mean I really, really try hard. I love giving her an orgasm. I love doing it. I adore going down on her. I could do it for ages and ages and love it still and expect nothing from her at the end. But I would LIKE things from her. More sex! More of the variety. The anal was coz she cums like a rocket and the swallowing was, granted, probably just coz it sent me to heaven and back and was much appreciated.

                            So I've learned from her what really gets her going. But now that seems to be a bad thing -because- now -it's -all -suspect -coz -it's -designed- to -get -her -to -feel -better -during -sex -so -therefore -she -might -feel -better -about -me -so -therefore- she -might -want -to -open -up -and -have -sex- more -so -therefore -it's -all-just-a-conspiracy-by-me-to improve-her-experience-in-bed-and-therefore-mine-and-to-be-resisted.

                            Seriously, what hope in hell do I have of breaking this loop?

                            I love what you said about breaking the paradigm. You are utterly correct. Sex between couples is now like some kind of menu. I have tried tantric sex but it takes two and she will resist because once again it must be stuck in that loop.

                            She may have analysed it and decided sex it is a selfish act and I'm stuck as a once or twice a month man.

                            I mean, this is all just so sad. So many guys out there desperately trying to do what I'm doing not being able to do it because the very act of not trying to be selfish is selfish.
                            Last edited by Jones 225; 09-30-2014, 08:38 AM.

                            Comment


                            • Once again, thanks for your help. Could you expand on this passage for me. I really value your insights here;

                              "My point: if you want to keep your woman interested on having sex, thinking that it is worth the bother, don't isolate her orgasm and the things that make her have an O from the core of a sex session. It isn't really something to be proud of to give her an orgasm at the beginning, then move on to other sex stuff, expecting her to be still in the mood after an O. Instead, move together. A sex session should be all about both of you, the whole of it."

                              How do I manage this? Shocked, really, that I've asked that!

                              Comment


                              • I've been reading through this and wanted to point some stuff out. First, do not assume women do not enjoy sex or want sex as much as men. Men are not the only ones who value sex in a relationship. Women and men are all individuals with different needs and desires. That is the first thing you got to get out of your mind. Understanding women better will not help you understand your wife. You need to figure out your wife as the individual she is. You need to work on your relationship as the unique experience it is. Generalizations will not get you anywhere. People on this forum will offer some great advice, but it may or may not apply to you and your relationship.

                                Now that being said, here are some general areas that often effect a woman's libido. See if any of these apply to your wife:

                                Medication, especially birthcontrol pills and anti-depressants are notorious for dampening a woman's desire. Is your wife on any medication?

                                Household and childcare: Do you have kids? Is the workload around the house equitable? Meaning are you an equal contributor to taking care of the household, social responsibilities, childcare (if you have kids), pets care (if you have them). It's really difficult to feel desire for somebody who is sitting in front of the TV while the wife is washing the dishes.

                                Has your wife gained any weight or does she have self esteem issues with her body. Does she feel comfortable being naked with the lights on?

                                Stress: Do you have more sex when you are on vacation?

                                Romance: Do you still take her out on dates? Do the things you used to do when you were dating?

                                So here is some advice. Talk, talk, talk. But talk right. What I mean is talk about it not when you are trying to get sex or there is an anticipation of sex later on. It needs to be in a safe neutral time. Don't accuse. Express feelings. This is easier said then done. For example, instead of saying, "you constantly reject me. You don't desire me any more," say, "Every time you reject my advances, it makes me feel like you don't desire me any more." Try to show her how you feel. "Sex is very important to me. When you say sex isn't very important and I shouldn't focus on it, it makes me feel like you don't value what is important to me."

                                Also, see a sex therapist or any type of couples therapist. Put your foot down and say this is important for you and that you are not going to continue living like this.

                                Good luck.
                                Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                                Comment

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