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Husband upset because I don't want sex

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  • Originally posted by DreamP346 View Post
    Please do. It is so important to hear from all different views. There is no one right way when it comes to matters like these.
    Suffice it to say that I believe in honoring the commitments made when we married. This extends to performing my "wifely duties" even though I frequently don't feel like it.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
    ― Bodhidharma

    Comment


    • Effy, I understand what you're saying, I think. But.

      We're flawed. There are inherent weaknesses to the human condition. Even when we really try to be that best, the absolute best of what we can be, of what we can do, even when we put in the effort... we fail. We improve whatever feature of ourselves we were working on, but we don't get half the way to the point we actually were striving for.

      Rather than hoping for the best and that the people we're talking about, the As and Bs, could actually achieve those skills people should have, I prefer to think of ways they can get somewhere, in spite of their weaknesses. At their present state, if you wish.

      The flaws aren't even environmental. They're in the way our brain works, in the electrochemistry of our bodies. Environment, of course, adds to the problem, but the issue is deeper than that.

      Very few people can work an algorithm for their lives and actually follow it. People are flawed, illogical. Even with the intention to do better, it is very difficult to change. And changes take a lot of time, when they do happen.

      So, I look at people and accept them for what they are now. Not what they could be, should be, if only they'd improve to reach their ideal of themselves.

      My own efforts to become a better person made me humbly realize change is slow and some things just can't be changed. We continue trying, working on it, but in the meantime, life goes on.

      All of that is to say that, surely, people should be perfect, should communicate and act on what was discussed, find solutions and apply them. But that's not how it works. Of course marriages should be perfect. But they aren't, at least, a number of them. Surely when two people aren't a perfect match they should divorce and everybody, including their children should be thrilled the less than perfect relationship was over. It should be like this. But it isn't.

      There is something else. On the one hand, perfect matches are statistically unlikely. On the other hand, people don't like to be alone. Some want families. Many need a companion, etc. Putting these two together, it is common to have dysfunctional relationships, one way or another.

      First relationships usually happen between young people who are too immature to make it work. Second relationships happen between more mature people, but who'll hesitate to terminate the arrangement in case of trouble, because they don't want to be alone again. And failing a second time may make one think that's the way things are.

      Nowhere I'm saying people should settle for less than perfection. But many will.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by chaya View Post
        Suffice it to say that I believe in honoring the commitments made when we married. This extends to performing my "wifely duties" even though I frequently don't feel like it.
        I also think it is very important to have different opinions and I'm happy you've shared yours.

        If you don't mind, would you share the reason why you frequently don't feel like it?

        And I apologize for the long posts. It isn't my intention, but I find it difficult to express my ideas in a foreign language. I repeat myself a lot. Shame on me.

        Comment


        • Don't apologize for the long posts, they make for good reading on long nights at work when nothing is going on.

          I frequently don't feel like "it" because I don't get aroused. I've been to doctors and shrinks but no answers except that I'm diabetic since I was 3 years old. The first year of my marriage I couldn't get enough, then something happened and I almost never get aroused with my husband.
          [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
          Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
          ― Bodhidharma

          Comment


          • Originally posted by chaya View Post
            Suffice it to say that I believe in honoring the commitments made when we married. This extends to performing my "wifely duties" even though I frequently don't feel like it.
            I know that you have a very traditional marriage consistent with your culture. While no one should feel forced into having sex, I respect the way in which you honor your commitment. I also know that you have tried to communicate better with your husband.
            "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

            Comment


            • Originally posted by raindancer View Post
              We're flawed. There are inherent weaknesses to the human condition. Even when we really try to be that best, the absolute best of what we can be, of what we can do, even when we put in the effort... we fail. We improve whatever feature of ourselves we were working on, but we don't get half the way to the point we actually were striving for.

              ********************************

              Very few people can work an algorithm for their lives and actually follow it. People are flawed, illogical. Even with the intention to do better, it is very difficult to change. And changes take a lot of time, when they do happen.

              So, I look at people and accept them for what they are now. Not what they could be, should be, if only they'd improve to reach their ideal of themselves.

              My own efforts to become a better person made me humbly realize change is slow and some things just can't be changed. We continue trying, working on it, but in the meantime, life goes on.

              I am an eternal optimist. Many of the people who seek the advice of this community truly want to change the direction of their marriages, partnerships and lives. We not only try to give them empathy and perspective on their issues but also give the best advice that we can. In the limited space and time that we have, I try to get people to communicate their issues in a positive way. It is my belief, that even irrational Humans can improve their relationships just by communicating their feelings to their partners.
              "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

              Comment


              • Originally posted by chaya View Post
                This is my feelings only, others here will probably disagree with me.

                Like you I do not enjoy sex, I did for my first year of marriage but not anymore. Unlike you, I consider it my "wifely duty" to satisfy my husbands sexual needs and desires. I accepted this when we got married for better or for worse. I therefore have sex with him when he asks me, usually 3-4 times a week. Like you, I just want it to get over with but I try not to let that spoil it for him. I love my husband and do take some pleasure when he is experiencing pleasure.

                If I ever feel I can no longer fulfill my "wifely duties" I will ask him for a divorce as it would not be fair to him to stay married.
                The fact that men get massive pleasure from being inside a woman's vagina and a massive burst of pleasure when coming, yet the woman barely feels anything from intercourse is like a sick joke. Alot of women i've spoken to say "i can feel it inside me but it's kind of numb, there's no pleasurable nerve endings in there so it doesn't really feel like anything, it's only the clitoris that feels good" seriously, it is like some kind of sick joke lol. Why is the clitoris in a place that men can't pleasure it during intercourse.. it's crazy, it should be just inside the vagina so the head rubs against it with every thrust! lol

                Comment


                • Originally posted by JasonParkins View Post
                  The fact that men get massive pleasure from being inside a woman's vagina and a massive burst of pleasure when coming, yet the woman barely feels anything from intercourse is like a sick joke. Alot of women i've spoken to say "i can feel it inside me but it's kind of numb, there's no pleasurable nerve endings in there so it doesn't really feel like anything, it's only the clitoris that feels good" seriously, it is like some kind of sick joke lol. Why is the clitoris in a place that men can't pleasure it during intercourse.. it's crazy, it should be just inside the vagina so the head rubs against it with every thrust! lol

                  Considering that babies come out of our vaginas....a baby rubbing against the clit would feel weird (granted if it was actually placed inside the vagina).
                  "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by chaya View Post
                    Suffice it to say that I believe in honoring the commitments made when we married. This extends to performing my "wifely duties" even though I frequently don't feel like it.
                    I am probably gonna trigger some nerves now. But in a sense I agree that this needs to be done more in the modern marriage. But maybe not as far as the few post I read from you states.

                    We also have a kinda traditional view on some things, that states that renovations, car care, gardening (Except vegetable garden) and economy is my responsibility. We share cooking and house cleaning, while she does the loundry (she won't let me touch it, afraid I will ruin the clothes.). Kids are a shared responsibility.

                    To try to explain a little why I feel wifely/husband duties is needed in modern marriage. I hate shopping, I rather know in front what I should get and go get it fast and easy. For those of you that know IKEA, Alone I would often be done in less than 5 minutes (Been proven). But I do it to pleasure my wife, And do my best to be a good "shopping partner". OK this is not as intimate as sex I know. But the fact that I take time out of my life to do something she wants even thought I hate it, and try to be positive around it is something I feel is my "husband duties". She very often states that she wants me there no one else. She pretty much owns the TV remote, and some shows she loves watching is cooking and Swedish hollywood wives, I say some cooking shows is ok but not to her extent and NO to Swedish hollywood wives. She wants me to sit with her in the living room watching these shows, And for a long time I did. Now I've started to do other things because I just can't take it. And to be honest I started feeling that I gave and gave without getting anything back. These are a couple of things that I consider my "Husband Duties" to keep her happy. They are not in any way physical violations of me, but a mental violation if you will. Sex is often considered a "wifely duty" and that might not be to bad. Given the fact that it's not actually a wifely duty but a marital duty. In our discussion an A's duty.

                    Many married couples have actually vowed that they will love and honor each other and stay faithful in good and bad days. For me this is saying that you should go above and beyond to make things work from both sides.

                    That said A's should not just go along with being dissatisfied with their sex life nor anything else, but work together to work through the bad days to get the good again. Same as B's should try their best to be perceptive enough to satisfy A.

                    Hopefully I have not offended anyone to much. Marriage is a 2 way street and needs to be treated that way. As long as there are 2 adults decision to get married, they need to honor their marriage agreements. It does not matter if you are 20, 25, 30, 40 or whatever, You are an adult honor your own promise (Because it is your own promise).

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by JasonParkins View Post
                      The fact that men get massive pleasure from being inside a woman's vagina and a massive burst of pleasure when coming, yet the woman barely feels anything from intercourse is like a sick joke. Alot of women i've spoken to say "i can feel it inside me but it's kind of numb, there's no pleasurable nerve endings in there so it doesn't really feel like anything, it's only the clitoris that feels good" seriously, it is like some kind of sick joke lol. Why is the clitoris in a place that men can't pleasure it during intercourse.. it's crazy, it should be just inside the vagina so the head rubs against it with every thrust! lol
                      Originally posted by Magnetism View Post
                      Considering that babies come out of our vaginas....a baby rubbing against the clit would feel weird (granted if it was actually placed inside the vagina).
                      I would actually prefer if it was designed to give as much pleasure to women as men to have pleasure during intercourse. And I could think of one in less then 30 seconds after reading your post. I would only question what that might have lead to before birth control. Maybe the the things I've heard of womens reduced physical feelings of intercourse have been a natural birth control. Who knows?

                      But I can point out that most men does not necessarily feel the best physical pleasure through intercourse. I believe that might as well be more a psychological process. I have no prof to support this, but based on my own experiences. My experience tells me that oral stimulation gives the best physical pleasure for both genders. Please feel free to disagree or enlighten me on this

                      Comment


                      • Sorry to upset you, but I really got 40D boobs from 32B by my hubby's passionate love. Science also say, regular message and sucking will make your breast larger.

                        And max people could not even find out how they get orgasm. They think it just happens. So they just wait for this to happen again sometime. But we found it and do our love making to get orgasm for happy marriage life. I also had that problem(just the thread), I found no sex drive in me. But my sweet hubby taught how to do sex, be happy with sex, and be happy in love life. And Claret might have misunderstood, but I have not stopped breastfeeding my hubby. I have no intention to do so. Once I did, and that hampered our love life badly.I breastfeed him regularly, whenever he demands. People like it or not, we love it the most specially during love making.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by FeminaS View Post
                          Sorry to upset you, but I really got 40D boobs from 32B by my hubby's passionate love. Science also say, regular message and sucking will make your breast larger.

                          And max people could not even find out how they get orgasm. They think it just happens. So they just wait for this to happen again sometime. But we found it and do our love making to get orgasm for happy marriage life. I also had that problem(just the thread), I found no sex drive in me. But my sweet hubby taught how to do sex, be happy with sex, and be happy in love life. And Claret might have misunderstood, but I have not stopped breastfeeding my hubby. I have no intention to do so. Once I did, and that hampered our love life badly.I breastfeed him regularly, whenever he demands. People like it or not, we love it the most specially during love making.
                          Are you telling us that you have been lactating for 4 1/2 years?
                          That which we forget may as well never really happened.

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by FeminaS View Post
                            Sorry to upset you, but I really got 40D boobs from 32B by my hubby's passionate love. Science also say, regular message and sucking will make your breast larger.

                            And max people could not even find out how they get orgasm. They think it just happens. So they just wait for this to happen again sometime. But we found it and do our love making to get orgasm for happy marriage life. I also had that problem(just the thread), I found no sex drive in me. But my sweet hubby taught how to do sex, be happy with sex, and be happy in love life. And Claret might have misunderstood, but I have not stopped breastfeeding my hubby. I have no intention to do so. Once I did, and that hampered our love life badly.I breastfeed him regularly, whenever he demands. People like it or not, we love it the most specially during love making.
                            I know I've read somewhere that women have the incredible ability to start milk production without being pregnant. Still unsure how real that might be. But as claret is asking are you actually lactating and feeding your hubby breast milk?

                            In that case I would wonder if your increased boob size might be because of large milk deposits, not necessarily actual boob size. And as a guy I have to ask isn't the number in the bra size the length around you? And the letter the actual size of the boob? In that case boobs can often change size with your body, that said the massage and sucking might not have done so much. But I know there has been some references to increased boob size from massage. But that have been very small enlargements over a very long time. Meaning most people wouldn't care to do it.

                            As for the sexual art, I would call it a fetish if there are actual milk in progress. Meaning not overall normal but there are a small percentile that does it, and that is OK. It's good that you gave your child and not your hubby the milk when necessary.

                            Comment


                            • Its not lactating dear. Its just dry breastfeeding, but my hubby says sometimes he get milk too. Even I saw milk in his mouth.

                              Comment


                              • Yes there are instances of women being able to lactate without being pregnant but not without a great deal of hormones that mimic the pregnancy hormones that cause lactation. These hormones are usually greatest following the birth of a child which is why breast milk starts to flow in greater quantities. For some women a small (and I do mean small) amount of fluid can be elicited from the nipples but this would hardly be called breastfeeding without having been pregnant or being pregnant at the time.

                                4 1/2 years is a long time to lactate. Also, most women that start off with normal sized breasts end up with them being somewhat saggy and less perky after they've breastfed a child or two, so I think that this would be the norm rather than the exception.

                                I think the poster is simply stating she and her husband engage in a lot of breast play and I get that; but FeminaS what works for one couple does not necessarily work for other couples. We are happy for you that you have found a way to get pleasure from your encounters with your husband, but to me this would be the norm not the exception, most couples engage in this to one extent or another.
                                That which we forget may as well never really happened.

                                Comment

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