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Boyfriend stopped wanting to have sex

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    Boyfriend stopped wanting to have sex

    This is been such a struggle for the past 3 months. My boyfriend and I have been dating only 6 months. We used to have sex every single day. Then aroind 3 months ago, he stopped being as interested and we would go weeks without it. I haven’t had many sex partners and he’s had so many. Sex was always intimidating with him Bc I felt like I had to live up to his expectations. But I also noticed he would go soft sometimes when we were doing it. I’ve never seen him have a morning erection before...and I just felt he lost his drive. He started smoking weed regularly around this time too. We are in our late 20s so I figured maybe it’s actually me. I approached him several times about it. He told me I don’t know how to be sexy, sex is different with me, I’m too innocent. And I asked him to tell me what I can change...but he’s never opened up about it. I have been putting pressure on sex Bc I feel we need that to keep a healthy relationship. But he’s been getting irritable and then not wanting to. There’s always an excuse. Then last night he straight up tells me that he’s not attracted to me. I’m not sure what to do at this point. Does anyone have any suggestions? I feel like I’m not good enough.

    #2
    It sounds more like it is a problem with him than a problem with you since he was fine before and you are willing. Losing an erection during sex is discouraging and if it happened several times, he could have developed a mental block about losing an erection that is self fulfilling (the more he worries about it happening the more likely it is to happen.) Another thing to consider is if he is spending his sexual energy on other things like porn (or even another partner). Doing that can leave him not fully charged for sex with you.

    At three month in to a relationship, changing from a lust driven relationship to a more routine type of relationship is normal. That could also be reducing his sex drive.

    You could possibly change your approach to sex to try to boost his sex drive. It might work in the interim, but I think it wouldn't work in the long term. To do it, start flirting more, dressing sexier when you are with him, being willing to experiment more and start taking the lead more such as being on top with your own terms.

    Does he work at making sure you have an enjoyable sex experience?

    It is possible that his declaring that he is not attracted to you is not a request for change but is rather the beginning of the end of the relationship.

    Best wishes.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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      #3
      You're 6 months in...this should be the "prime" for you both in all areas, not just sexually. You're still getting to know each other, and it seems you've found an incompatibility.

      If you've tried to discuss it with him, and he's not willing to work on it, and rather says it's that he's not attracted to you any longer, then, I have to wonder what there is here to build on. While I agree with jns above, and I'd probably try to work on it with him, it sounds like he's not really up for working through this.
      And if he's using drugs, that adds another element to the relationship as well.

      As I see it, bottom line is, if he's not willing to discuss and work through it, there's nothing you can do.

      Comment


        #4
        Thank you for the responses. I have tried most things, offered to do whatever he wants and I’ve gone out a bought lingerie for him. But he usually just says he’s not in the mood Bc he’s tired. But aside from that we spend almost everyday with together and we get along great for the most part. This just seems to be weighing on me more than him. He has expressed that he’s fine and satisfied but I’m the one who isn’t. Our fighting has gotten worse as a result and this has caused a major strain. He suffers from depression that he isn’t being treated for any longer and he now smokes several times a day and drinks every night. He’s often irritable...and forgetful. He even forgets when we do have sex, it’s like he’s not even there. I am beating myself up over it because I feel like I’m not enough for him or I’m doing something wrong.

        Comment


          #5
          Does it seem he's lost interest in other things that it seemed he was once interested in? Who diagnosed the depression and why is he not receiving treatment?
          Did you know him before you started dating? Are you certain the drug abuse didn't begin well before 3 months ago?
          It may be that he's shifting blame for the loss of sexual activity onto you, to divert the focus from his apparent diminishing mental health and drug use.

          I ask because it sounds like he's self-medicating, and this is a much more complicated problem.

          You hardly know this guy and some pretty serious issues are already showing. There's nothing wrong with trying to work through this, and trying to help him, but I strongly caution you that this often is a bottomless pit. I'm very interested in why he's not in treatment...

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            #6
            I knew him since high school actually. But it was years since we have seen each other. He had taken a break from the drugs for several months because he claimed it didn’t get him high anymore. Then started again while we were dating. Since then, he’s completely stopped going to the gym and running..something he did a couple times a week and felt great about. He doesn’t work as much and spends a lot of time in bed...like hours and hours. He’s often irritated and only gets excited when he gets to go pick out new beer or buy material things. I guess I didn’t really think about how those things connect. I know how difficult it is to suffer from depression Bc I have it too, however I am on medication for it. He doesn’t have health insurance anymore which is part of the reason why he doesn’t seek treatment. I urged him to get health insurance to maybe get some bloodwork done and get a check up but he seems to be irritated when I bring that up too.

            Comment


              #7
              Good Morning Tinydancer,

              Where do you think your relationship with your b/f is headed if he has told you that he's not attracted to you?

              At his age (and your age), he should be banging your brains out every night. Either he's asexual, sexually conflicted, or he's getting it from other sources.

              If he prefers dope to you, he's a dope.

              You know what you have to do.

              Comment


                #8
                I don't think this has anything to do with the weed.

                I think this dude just isn't that into you. I think it was fun at first, lustful infatuation, but as it often does, that ship has sailed.

                And, I think he's a jerk.

                You "don't know how to be sexy" !?! What kind of thing is that to say? Instead of trying to make you feel better about it, he says things to make you doubt yourself, feel badly about yourself, etc? You're a young (undoubtedly sexy!) woman and are having to go spend money on lingerie (that you obviously don't want to wear or you'd have done so before now) to try to get your boyfriend to want to have sex with you. Think about it what that sounds like!

                Bottom line, if you "don't know how to be sexy" at this point, it's NOT because you're not sexy, it's because you are with someone who hasn't embraced you enough to fully be comfortable with yourself in the relationship. It's HIS job to make you feel like the most beautiful and sexy woman on the planet. If he doesn't, and now has flat out told you he's not attracted to you............ I'd tell him to not let the door hit him on the way out.

                "Be what you're looking for."

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