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Sex Freeze

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  • Sex Freeze

    My girlfriend of 2 years and I are having a sex problem. I love this girl more than anything in the world and she loves me too, but for about the last year and a half our sex life has taken a troubling nose dive. Our honeymoon phase lasted pretty long and we were having sex everyday that we saw each other for a long time. We just couldn't keep our hands off each other. Then it started to slow down. Now we are at the point of where it's probably only happening once a month, if that. The weird thing is that she tells me that she wants to have more sex and I believe her completely. Every time that we try she freezes completely and begins to cry because she can't figure out why she can't have sex. I feel so awful about it. She says that she wants to have sex with me but that when the time comes she just gets this intense urge telling her that she absolutely cannot have sex or be sexual. We have been trying to figure this out for a while now and I haven't always handled it well. I've gotten upset because I just didn't understand and I think me being upset instead of just being there for her made it worse. I've come along from that and now I just feel really bad for her because I can tell that she so badly wants to just be able to have sex like we used to but she just can't because of this. We have been trying to figure this out for a long time. We both want to marry each other and spend our lives together as we both believe that there is no better match out there for us. We really are a couple of best friends and we both know that everything would be perfect if we could just figure this out.

  • Anybody have any suggestions on what to do or every encountered anything like this?

    Comment


    • Hey! Welcome to WHI. I know what a difficult situation this is for both of you. The great part is that it sounds like you both really love each other, want a future with each other and are both willing and eager to work this situation out.

      So...it can be a lot of things causing something like this...which makes it even more difficult, right? It can certainly be something going on emotionally, but could also be something physical like her hormones that she truly can't control.

      I have a couple questions first...

      -Is she on any form of birth control? If so, what and for how long has she been on it?
      -Does she have any history of sexual abuse that you are aware of?

      I wrote an article recently for WHI on women with high libido's... though that's the opposite of your issue, there are some of the same factors at play and will be a worthy read for you. www.womens-health.com/why-am-i-so-horny

      "Be what you're looking for."

      Comment


      • I too have some questions. Are the two of you living together? What is the financial situation? Is she on Birth Control? Do both of you work and if she works is she under stress at work? Are things at home equal? Who initiates? All these questions should be answered prior to me saying anything further other than, there are times when there is a natural ebb and flow in relationships. If things remain at a level for a period of time what can be done to liven up your lives?
        That which we forget may as well never really happened.

        Comment


        • Thank you very much for your replies. So to answer your questions.

          -She was on birth control when we were first dating but then this started about a year and a half ago. About 7 months ago she got off of birth control.
          -No history of sexual abuse.
          -We moved in together this past August
          -Financial situation is pretty even. We both pay for our share of rent and our own food however I pay for our meals a portion of the time on dates and such, not that that is an issue at all.
          -She works and I am in law school. She is under a great deal of stress with her job, she is currently interviewing around to try to get another as she is not enjoying it that much.
          -Things are equal at home, we both do dishes and take out the garbage and clean up at home whenever we can. Weve never been the type of couple to be in a power struggle of any sort. We both view eachother as equals.
          -I am the one who initiates most of the time, however sometimes she does as well.

          Once again thank you both for your responses. We both appreciate it.

          Comment


          • One thing to add - at this point if I do initiate it's usually because we decided that we were going to try that day. I don't usually go for it unless we've talked about going for it that day or she makes the first move

            Comment


            • You both seem to have so much on your plate. It's not easy setting up a new home, new living arrangements, holding down jobs, going to college (here it would be a University - I'm in Canada). Perhaps, what you could do is simply go back to the "old" days. Invite her out on a date, go somewhere special, take her on a picnic - it doesn't have to cost a lot. Just be kind to one another, hold her hand, ask about her day, tell her about your day. And if she is reading this as well, then she should offer you the same things.

              It's hard to go from an individual to part of a couple. Many times you can feel only part of who you were, you can feel under-valued, under esteemed, overwhelmed and over powered. You have to find your even footing as a couple.

              I'm going out on a limb here and I'm only asking, not stating the following is happening, but, I've seen couples where one party was getting an advanced degree and the other working at a job that just pays the bills not a career, and there has been some type of resentment built up. The working partner can feel left out or not on the same level. Do you think there could be some of this happening?

              If any of this is happening it can have the effect of some resentment which can dampen or inhibit the sex drive.
              That which we forget may as well never really happened.

              Comment


              • Okay, so this started around 18 months ago and 7 months ago she went off birth control. Did she go off the birth control thinking that may be causing the issue?

                Birth control ZAPPED my libido. Honestly, while I was on it, I couldn't have cared less if I ever had sex again.

                But now that she's off of it, what are you using to prevent pregnancy?
                "Be what you're looking for."

                Comment


                • You sound really in love which is great to hear, but I'm wondering if that is the problem. When I was 20 I went through a similar thing with my other half. I almost felt I loved him too much and having sex was so emotional for me that I cried constantly. I couldn't explain why but I cried my eyes out. When we broke up I was terriferd about getting into another relationship so I didn't until 7 months ago (I'm nearly 30). I would ask her about her insecurities. Although you have talked about marriage here, maybe she doesn't feel it, as in doesn't feel secure enough. You've said she's had no sexual abuse in the past, what about physical or emotional abuse? They're equally damaging and can impact on behaviour.

                  Comment


                  • I can think of two things causing the freezing up: abuse, usually sexual abuse and a very strict religious upbringing where a person is taught that sex is for reproduction only and should never have pleasure while doing it. Sexual abuse is often mentally covered up so the person having problems because of it has no idea why.
                    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                    ...
                    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by Jolene1989 View Post
                      You sound really in love which is great to hear, but I'm wondering if that is the problem. When I was 20 I went through a similar thing with my other half. I almost felt I loved him too much and having sex was so emotional for me that I cried constantly. I couldn't explain why but I cried my eyes out.
                      The build up of hormones and various brain chemicals can cause crying when the level reduces drastically at climax or completion of sex. Think of it as withdrawal symptoms.
                      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                      ...
                      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                      Comment

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