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New here, marriage problems

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  • New here, marriage problems

    Hi I’m new here. After reading a few of the posts, I knew I was in the right place. I don’t really have anyone close to me to talk about my problems with, not anyone I trust anyway. So I thought if I posted anonymously, at least I could avoid judgement. I have friends at church but I’m always reluctant to share because every time I do, they judge me.

    So so about my problems, my marriage has been on the rocks for a few years now actually and I’m thinking more and more on ending things with my husband. For the past three years my husband has been mean to me and my girls- he yells and screams at us and even when he’s not yelling his tone is very harsh. and some people have pointed out that he may be controlling as well. I tried talking with him about it until I was blue in the face, but he doesn’t like anyone telling him what to do, especially me. We tried marriage counseling three times. So last year for about a month I did leave him. I took the girls with me and I stayed with a friend. The whole time I was gone he never tried to win me back, call me to say come home I’m sorry. I was starting to believe he was happy we left. I was the only one trying to make things better. Anyway I came home after a month because it was just too hard. He said he loved n missed me AFTER I came home and said he learned a lot that he was wrong, etc. Anyway, things did get better but he’s starting to act the same again and I’m tired of doing it all. So tired. Im complete worn out. There’s more but if anyone has any thoughts thus far please share. And ask questions if you want to know something. I mean I have literally no one to talk to so I don’t even know what’s wrong and right in a relationship. My mother and father weren’t married so I wasn’t taught what’s healthy and what’s not in a relationship.

  • If things improved once, I'm inclined to believe that you're both able to make the changes necessary to make things work. If counseling has helped, why not revisit that?

    Unfortunately, it isn't a one stop shopping kind of deal. It takes ongoing work and periodic maintenance to keep up the changes and keep it working. I have visited a counselor on and off for many years. It helps to keep me on the right path and correct any bad habits I may be settling back into.

    What complaints does he have about you within the marriage?

    Are you willing to work toward improvement, or are you just done?


    • I agree that it usually isn't a 1 person problem. In any relationship we bring baggage and we often unpack it periodically when it's least expected. What is healthy in a relationship you ask? Well, for me, it's mutual respect, mutual goals and aspirations for today and the future, mutual financial opinions, goals for the children, for the home. It's mutual sharing of responsibilities, and to me these include financial, housework, child rearing, and parental responsibilities. Do you have any idea of what his thoughts are on any of this? Were either one of you in previous relationships? How do you generally feel on a day to day basis?
      That which we forget may as well never really happened.


      • He doesn’t want to do counseling anymore. Day to day, I feel pretty depressed because I feel the majority of the responsibility of the children and working on our marriage is on me. He works evenings 3p-11pm and has had that schedule for three years now and no attempt to change it. At one point I thought he was cheating with someone at work but I could not prove it. I don’t feel like anything is mutual in this marriage.


        • To me, your situation sounds like domestic violence. You're a victim - as are your daughters - caught in a violent marriage. He will never change: no matter how much counselling he could have. I think the man you loved is gone. You're NOT to blame for the violence. Nothing a person says or does is deserving of yelling, anger, rage, control, fear. I think you'll have to leave: for the sake of your daughters and your sanity. Remember this: HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. You did a brave thing by leaving for a month: this time leave for good.


          • Wow. Thank you for your honesty. After reading your reply, I really feel like I’ve read the truth, thank you. I’ll post an update soon.


            • So, do you work first shift? And there's a lot of time not spent together?
              There's part of the problem. It's hard to work through things when so little time is spent together.

              If he's no longer willing to go to counseling, are you willing to go without him? If he sees you trying, he may be encouraged to do the same. You could also learn some new things about yourself and tools to manage the issues better.

              Look forward to your update


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