[kms]

Hi Blonde,

Yeah sometimes the counselor you end up with isn't always a good fit for you, due to personality differences, theoretical approach, etc. It might be good to try a different one and see if it helps.

So your insecurity and anxiety is only in your relationship with your bf, or in general? Have you always felt insecure or just with him only? Insecurity and anxiety in general can be caused by (depending on the theoretical framework you use) negative automatic thoughts that we have of ourselves. Those thoughts are formed by our experiences, or the messages we received growing up. A negative thought (from what little I know about you) might be "I'll never be hot enough for my bf" or "I don't deserve someone to be faithful to me," stuff like that. A counselor can help you identify your negative thoughts, explore where they came from, and learn how to change them into positive thoughts.

You said you're a counselor - but you're 21? Are you in the US? To be a counselor here at least you need a master's in counseling and then a year and half more for the licensure process. I'm finishing up the master's currently (and definitely can't wait to be done!).

I can definitely understand how the situation with your boyfriend could cause anxiety, especially if (and this is just a guess) your self-esteem isn't very stable to begin with. I know that from personal experience... I really struggle with my self-esteem and the fact that girls are always crawling all over my boyfriend doesn't help much. Things became better once I realized that the problem isn't him - it's me. The reality is that my insecurity could be pushing him away; it's probably annoying for him knowing that each little thing he does might upset me or make me worried or unsure. As another poster has mentioned, you could be breathing down his neck 24/7 or be completely unconcerned and hands-off - if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. Those are his choices and we can't do anything to change that, and we can't force him to be faithful. He has to choose that. And if he doesn't want to be faithful, then that's his loss and you deserve to find someone who will be faithful.

Also, the reality is that even when we're in a committed relationship, we'll still find ourselves attracted to other people. It doesn't mean that our commitment, love, and attraction for our partner is diminished or is any less valuable, it's just our human nature to find more than one person attractive at once. So, you can't control your bf from being attracted to another person (and neither can he control those feelings either). Again, it's a matter of choice. He still makes a conscious decision to be with you, to be committed to you.

Anyway I'm bored at my internship so hopefully I didn't ramble too much

[blonde3737]

Your actually really helping me a lot and i hope i dont sound repetitive all because sometimes I get like that.

Yes I am a counselor, Im in school for forensic psych but you dont need a masters to do what i do. Im just a mental health counselor, worker whatever for an adult psychiatric unit. Im just part of the support staff. What kind of intern?

Anways, umm I think ive had insecurities about myself overall not just with him as my boyfriend. I have not always felt insecure until he started looking the porn sites and dating sites and i dont think i was the same ever since. You said you were in a situation with your own boyfriend where he was attractive and all the girls would try to talk to him. Your right if someone cheats, thats their decision and it has nothing to do with you but what can I do to work on myself being so anxious? Like exercising? I need to find something to make myself stop worrying about things that arent even there refering to that My boyfriend has said to me he would never cheat on me. He said that he is sorry for making the mistakes (dating sites & porn sites) that he made. I truly do believe he would never cheat on me or do anything like the websites which he did before.

Now your last paragraph stated that its natural to find more than 1 person that your attracted to once. Are you saying looks wise? Meaning obviously, our eyes wonder but of course as a committed relationship, it is paws off....I know it is normal that he thinks this person might be good looking or whatever and thats ok ya know. We are open in a sense that Ive said when asked by him" yeah that guy is good looking or he would say shes goodlooking or whatever but we both know that we would never cheat or for me, i would never cheat again. And they say once a cheater always a cheater but thats not necessarily true because some people learn their lesson & believe me I did.. I made my mistakes and i definetely know that he is the one for me.

This is why I come here when i get anxious sometimes because the women on here really help you.


Your right! I think that my insecurity or my self-esteem issue is that sometimes i feel im not hot enough because of the websites he used to do. It makes me feel like I dont have a good enough body. I need to build my self-esteem!. Him & I are going on vacation in a little over a week, perhaps...I should get some sexy outfits.

[kms]

Forensic psych - sounds interesting! I've got some classmates interning in pyschiatric units... pretty intense stuff; I'm not sure I could do it! I'm doing career counseling and working with students on academic probation at my internship.

I do think exercise can help a lot, especially if you feel you have a lot of extra anxiety. I always find that along with getting rid of anxiety, depression, and worry, exercise also gives me the chance to think things over as I'm running and to clear and organize my mind. Increasing your meds might help too, as you mentioned... do you have trouble focusing, staying on task? Do you feel like you have too many thoughts at once? Do you have a lot of anxious energy? If you answer yes to these, you might consider reading up on ADD and possibly being tested for it.

Right, that is what I mean by being attracted to others - physically. But on the other hand, some people are even attracted beyond that, which means they are capable of multiple loving relationships at once (called polyamory). Some couples are perfectly ok with that; in fact, some couples are ok with sex outside of their relationship (called swinging or open relationship). The point is though that the couple agrees together what is ok and what is not, that each partner is completely open and honest, and anything outside of that agreement is cheating.

Exercise can really help with your self-esteem, because then you feel more in control of your body. You also might try to figure out what exactly is it that you feel bad about. Is it physical? Like, you hate your legs, etc? Or is it more than that? I used to think all my problems would be solved if only my body looked better. Then I got myself into really good shape, and realized that those insecurities were still there. Which meant that it was more than just something physical. I think that's where the negative automatic thoughts come in, which can be hard to identify at first because they're so ingrained and unconscious.

[blonde3737]

Im going to start exercising & see how that works. Reguarding ADD, I know about that disorder and I definetly have read up on it but I don't have that. I just have general anxiety so we will see what happens when I increase the meds a bit and start working out more.

Your career sounds great!!

You talked about open relationship, swinging etc. After you have read all my posts, i dont think you would prefer that him & I looked into that....right? Im guessing your just filling my brain with some knowledge about the types of relationships men and women have together. I am quite happy with us being committed to only each other. But physically, I guess Im just going to have to work with him looking at porn...as long as it doesnt take away from him & I in the bed ya know? Looking At porn you said was physical correct?