[Guest]

yeah. i think i have. i think i developed it during times of abuse and hardship i've been through. i guess its my mind and body's way of saving myself. i don't even think about intimacy or relationships as much as i used to; I am still attracted to him. I do feel that I need a break. I have been wanting to plan a vacation just for myself for long time. I just haven't had the right funds to go. But do you think that's something I should be aiming for? Maybe while I am gone he can also figure things out for himself. How long should this break last?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think that he pulled you out of a rut and made you feel special, and gave you a door that you hadn't walked through before, yes?

You say that you were cheated on before, you use the words abuse and you use the words therapy.

Your indicating that at some stage, probably the earlier part, that you were confident and that showed, that he wanted to learn "guitar?" with you, at the same time, but stress and work prevented that.

What else has it prevented?

I think that the "togetherness" has stopped and as a result your confidence has gone down and that you aren't that flighty little happy person that did things together that he met.

And, maybe he has turned to this other person, just out of depression himself, as at home in addition (due to both of your stresses), is well stressful... He states he only cares how you see him when he goes bald, but when there's negativity and stress and people down, and your surrounded by that "person" / "people", you can go two ways, walk away or stay and start to feel that way yourself..

Going way and saving for a trip and doing this on your own is both exciting, a goal, and will help you in the confidence department because no one is there to hold your hand especially if you go overseas, your on it on your own... And, it will help you with independence and confidence and excitement in your life, I say yay... go do it.

I also say, get the pair of you off to that weekly lesson of guitar ( together) and go back in time slightly and start doing things together and laugh together...

If you've got yourself into a rut both of you, you don't have to run from it, face it.. be confident and strong and face it.

Think back to the beginning.. And, take yourselves back a little to that time and work from there.

CW

[Guest]

thanks folks for the advice i will try to be more lively around him. its just a little difficult knowing what i know and not being able to talk to him about it; without causing the demise of our relationship. to be honest i dont know how long it will take me to get my energy back. but i guess wish me luck. thank you again for all your thoughts.

[Guest]

so i was wrong. its not about his insecurities or anything to do with him. its me; he's been distant with me on purpose in hopes that i wouldn't bring my problems into our relationship. i know i have messed up. he said that other than my problems interferring our relationship everything else is fine. i know what my problems are. i just don't know how to fix them. and its kinda frustrating. he feels like im not trying hard enough; when i feel like i am trying as hard as i can. i mean i knew i needed to work on my problems i didn't know it was getting worse.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think that you need to seriously consider what i said, i picked that up, he is wanting the lady he met...

You may have messed up, but you can bring it forward like i said..

I am not claiming i am right, rather, what you have said, verses, what was suggested and other's, he needs it..

Have a think

CW

[WildChild]

We only know a little of this situation but he sounds a bit manipulative. First he doesn't want you in therapy. Now he doesn't want you to bring your problems into the relationhship. Your 'problems' are part of you, yes, we all have work to do. Unless something happened after you met him, you had these 'problems' then. So what is different? Is he increasing your uneasiness? Drawing some old insecurities out? Sounds like he can't accept you as you are, is that really because there is something "wrong" with you or that he wants you to change into what he thinks you could/should be?

If he loves you, it seems he would be supportive of you dealing with what you need to work through. If your problems are so deep that they preclude you being relationship material at this time (there are some people on here who are clearly in that situation, I don't think you are one of them) then he needs to gently leave. I'm sure he isn't perfect, is he working on his 'issues' or are you supposed to just live with those but correct yours? As I said we can only speak as observers here, drawing on what you have said and our own experiences and observations, but give this some thought. It's a time honored tool - making the other person wrong or deficient....

[Guest]

maybe i need to clear things up a bit.

He is very supportive of me fixing my problems. He is the one that suggested I need to see someone about my problems because he was also in therapy a long time ago.He also brings me to my therapist (since i don't have a car) He said that he is willing to be "a whipping post" for taking my anger out. I pointed out that, him doing that isn't a good idea. Also, I don't mean to take my anger out on him. He said that he is willing to be the whipping post in hopes that one day I will realize what I am doing and stop. My problem is that I have insecurity; anger issues. I take everything anyone says to me to heart. And I unknowingly at the time it happens take my anger out on him.

He feels that we don't have fun anymore. He said that used to be our goal; and now its not. And that all I do is focus on my problems; and can't relax.He said he wants to have a future with me; but my problems of not being able to relax, being anxious, and getting angry over every little thing; are roadblocks that prevent us from going the distance (moving in; and getting married). I do admit that I used to have this care free attitude; and my life was a little better. I didn't worry about every little thing.

I am going to therapy for myself. To be honest he isn't the first guy to experience this with me. I dated a great guy when I was in college; and I didn't realize that I was putting him through an emotional roller coaster. And I am afraid now; that same pattern will happen again. And the guy I dated in college was completely faithful to me.

Even through all my issues of insecurity and anger; he still managers to take care of me when I'm sick. He still manages to give me a smile and tells me he loves me; and sticks by me. I admit that I have put him through a lot. I don't want to hurt him anymore; I really don't.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I hope you find the deep issue of the cause of the anger, it's stemming from somewhere, hidden maybe, from your past.

I wake with dreams sometimes where I am telling my Mother off and I am mad at her, yet I love my mum and her me... But, at childhood, she had pre-natal depression pretty much right into my teens...

I guess, whilst i know I let all that go 20 years ago, I can recognise it and smile in knowing that , that was past and now is now... But, it shows on rare occasions as still a sub-conscious thought in my dreams..

It's the recognition is what I am saying as to why, and then letting that go... That's not easy but it's necessary so that you can be you.

You mention that you had a great boyfriend but the same thing happened and from the sounds of it you have a magical one this time, don't let this fish get away love.

Good for you to go to Therapy..
Fantastic that he is standing by you..

But, everybody has "enough" one day, give him your smile back when he gives you his and add some fun back into your lives, whilst your working through it all.

He deserves it...

No..

He accepts it ... You.

YOU, deserve it.

CW

[Fatin]

I've got a bad habit as well of looking for problems where there isn't. Of seeing negetive where none is implied and of thinking WAY WAY WAY too much.

Girl Join me .. seriously now i just in a fight with my boyfriend cos of nothing basicly .. god i miss him sooo much ..