[amaranthine]

I have always been very sure of myself. I've always known how I felt about situations and people - there was never a moment of doubt where that was concerned.
Now it seems that I can't focus on anything. Quite literally, ANYTHING.
A tad of background that I'm thinking may have to do with this:
- I was molested as a small child
- My first relationship, which lasted a year, ended when my BF cheated on me.
- My second BF and I dated on and off for about three and a half years. I ended it because he would not straighten out.
- My third BF lasted about five months, and we broke up because he said he "didn't feel as strongly" about me anymore. A week after the break-up, he called me and accused me of stalking him on Facebook, because he thought I was adding friends that I "didn't know well enough", so he now refuses to talk to me. This came pretty much out of nowhere.

It's been about a month since the last event. My second ex says he still loves me and wants me back, but I can't bring myself to feel that way about him. I find that I don't trust him. I'm fine staying friends, but I cannot picture being with him again. He's been visiting me every-so-often, gave me a TV (didn't ask for it), and let me borrow $180 for my name change filing (even though I said I wouldn't except it... he hid it in my room and refused to take it back).

To make everything worse, my doctors believe I've developed an anxiety/panic condition. I had my first panic attack at work and nearly collapsed. Since then, I've had multiple attacks, felt uneasy just about everyday, and in general just uncomfortable in my own skin. I've been prescribed two medications, which make things better, but by no means make it go away completely.
Twice while my second ex was visiting me, I had panic attacks, and he had to leave (he lives two hours away). So was upset, of course, but I can't do much else about it.
Sometimes we'll cuddle up a little while watching a movie or something, but I've said ahead of time that it means nothing. He still expects it to.

I don't know how I really feel about any of this. I put most of my energy into staying as neutral as possible so no one gets hurt, and to minimize confusion. But in doing so, I have no idea how I actually feel. I've tried to sit down by myself and figure it out, but I can't focus. I feel lost. I don't know how I feel about my second ex, my most recent one, or anything else.
My most recent ex goes to the same college as me, and lives in the building right next to mine. We also have a lot of the same friends, and I wonder how that will play out... I've only just moved back onto campus, and classes haven't begun yet.

Any advice or commentary would be useful.

[caterpillar79]

Toughie...first thing comes to mind: WHAT DO YOU WANT for yourself? Regardless whether he is the 2nd, 3rd or nth BF of yours...what do you really want? Once you can answer this straight, you can plan your course of action. Until then, you will be the person with the fishing pole who will reel in and out those poor men.

Be honest to yourself. Take some time out on your own and figure it out.

[amaranthine]

That's the problem. I can't focus on what I want or what I feel. I tried. It's like there's a block there.

I need a new perspective or something on this. Maybe it would jog something in my head. I don't know.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

- My third BF lasted about five months, and we broke up because he said he "didn't feel as strongly" about me anymore. A week after the break-up, he called me and accused me of stalking him on Facebook, because he thought I was adding friends that I "didn't know well enough", so he now refuses to talk to me. This came pretty much out of nowhere.

I'm no Doctor. But, I would say that this situation pushed you over the edge.

You've been strong and brave for along time, taking everything on your own shoulders but this situation for you perhaps was the last straw and so now your numb of feelings.

I think your new perspective is not to concentrate on men at all, at this point in time rather, focus on yourself, step by step...

When you lose your identity, you have to get it back, make sense? So, far you have just lived. You now need to find you and all who you are so you can start to get back into the swing of things in a much better, nurturing way and one that starts with YOU, not someone else..

CW

[caterpillar79]

Get some counseling going as soon as you can. I strongly push this, because I am having a hard time figuring myself like you do. I also have numbed my emotions and all duee to rape and abusive/deceitful relationships I was in.

I can decide now, but guess what? In as short as 5 - 10 minutes, my heart would change and would run amok for what I have just committed myself into for the last minutes.

I fully understand you. Try to gather yourself and put yourself together with professional help. You might even need some medication (are you into some?). Choose whom you associate with also, since this will affect your moods most of the time. Take care.

[ladywolf]

I had a private practice as a Psyhotherapist for 18 years, and I too say, "Run, do not walk," to the nearest good counselor. You need to start looking at things from a different perspective, and if you have developed panic disorder, you really need to get some good professional help. If you're in college, then the school probably offers free counseling. If not, then find SOMEONE objective and wise whom you can talk to.

Drugs alone rarely "get the job done" when you have a history like your's and have become obsessed with the men in your life. You have whole dimensions to yourself that you probably haven't explored because of BF's #1, 2, 3, 4... Don't try to heal yourself alone--it's almost impossible. But healing IS possible, with the right kind of help!

Big Hugs to you--Margi

[Kakie]

i agree with whats been said above, you need to take some time for yourself. away (mentally, if you're not able to physically) from all of these exes. to figure out what it is you want.

Sometimes we'll cuddle up a little while watching a movie or something, but I've said ahead of time that it means nothing. He still expects it to.

in my opinion this needs to stop too. its not fair on you and its not fair on him, to be honest. its only confusing the situation. i can see why he would think that it means something, if he likes you and wants to be with you, and you snuggle him it may not mean much to you but it will to him. its also not going to help you sort out how you feel.

I don't know how I really feel about any of this. I put most of my energy into staying as neutral as possible so no one gets hurt, and to minimize confusion. But in doing so, I have no idea how I actually feel. I've tried to sit down by myself and figure it out, but I can't focus. I feel lost.

you won't be able to sit down and figure it out in a day. you'll only do this either by talking to something, either professionally or impartially, or by concentrating on the rest of your life. your schooling, your friends, your family, etc. and then you'll find that things with your exes will sort themselves out naturally, you probably won't even notice that it is happening, but everything will fall into place.

[Kakie]

*talking to someONE, not something.. sorry.

[caterpillar79]

I disagree with Kakie when she said that you can distance yourself emotionally without physically doing it. You are in a very vulnerable situation. Physically, your wanting and needing touch, and so comes the emotional confusion - which is consciously and subconsciously happening. Distance yourself on both aspects. Give yourself a month or two. Cut all means of communication and restrengthen the bond with your family and trusted friends. Don't date yet. Try to get busy with the gym too. It will help you loosen yourself and de-stress. Eat healthy and sleep enough. Have the basic needs fulfilled then comes the others. See a professional - have you?