[lori bug]

I have read a lot of threads on here about women and men and communication issues. It seems to be a worldwide problem, how do you approach your significant other with an issue that they have lied about, and get them to tell the truth? I've been thinking about this for days now.

I thought my husband and I had a great relationship. I had no reason to believe that he had ever lied to me, EVER. But evidently, there are huge areas of his life that he simply neglected to tell me about. And when confronted with the issue, he simply lied.

I am pretty sure that I approached the issue wrongly. I didn't accuse, and I tried to be unemotional and just looking for the facts. But he just clammed up. Do any of you wise women or men have a method for opening up conversation and diaglogue without being confrontational?

I am reading "crucial conversations" which tells you to "make them feel safe" and try to really figure out what you want - the core issue of what you want- and in my case, it's that I want to be able to trust him. That's really all I want. But I just can't even seem to get the conversation started because I'm afraid. If he lies to me again, I don't know what I will do. I have proof! I have proof on paper that he was texting multiple women! I even have their names & phone numbers! He swears he never texted anybody. !AAAGH!

Does anyone have any ideas?

[sourpuss]

Well, to me it sounds like you don't really need to be compassionate, understanding, non-emotional, etc. Why should he have to feel 'safe'? If you have proof, you've given him the opportunity to be honest, and he lied. If it were me, I'd confront him and lay it all out.
Is there a reason you're scared to do that?

[rcoreyus]

You do need to think about what you want. You say you have proof - if so, then what do you want from him? You don't want a lie, but what will you do if he does tell the truth? Scoring points doesn't help: "I caught you doing X so now you owe me", doesn't belong in a relationship.

If you know he is texting other women you need to decide what YOU want to do about it. If you can live with that, then do so - no reason to try to force him to confess. If you can't live with that, then leave - what is to be gained by a confession.

[cuff]

If he's texting multiple women, and lying to you about it, I don't think you should try to safely manipulate the truth out. I don't think it would work by making it a safe environment for him to talk. He'd probably continue to lie. He's shown you that's what he'll do. I think you should approach it like sourpuss said. Confront him straight on. If he continues to lie, let him know some of what you have. Maybe that will get him to talk. If he still doesn't, let him know what other info you have. Maybe he'll realize you have a string of information about what he's doing and will come clean.

[vikingfan23]

Lori Bug...I've been there! You are not looking for the truth, you have the truth in black and white. You are looking for an explanation as to why he is doing this. So you have two choices, go to him, take the papers and say why are you texting these women? Tell him it is inappropriate for a married man to be texting women and that it makes you distrust him. Tell him it stops now, and that it is going to take time for you to gain trust in him again. Or.....you ignore it because you don't want to face the confrontation and it will eat you up inside. I know I've done both.

[Mes T]

I think the above posters gave some really excellent advice. You need to know why he feels the need to lie about these things, and you need to know why he texts other women. That should be your starting point, NOT something like "So, did you text other women? Tell me the truth..."

I would suggest writing a letter and reading it to him. That way you'll have some time to really put together what you want to say to him. I and at least one other member have recently done so, and it helps a great deal.

[stressed]

This is not about communication, it's about him lying to you and wanting to prove that what you saw doesn't exist. You don't have to be afraid and he doesn't need to feel safe when he does what he does behind your back. He either admits his mistake and you both try to work things out together or ..., well, you know. It doesn't matter that you're married, you can't be married to someone who lies to you to this degree and cannot be honest or explain why he did what he did. You should not rather stay married to a liar out of fear of being alone. It's not worth it.