[kizza]

the thing is that with my bf he finds it very hard to show how he truly feels about me vocally, i mean he's had it rough in his past with his last 2 exs cheating on him, and ive had the same with my ex's. so i understand when he cant really tell me how he feels and when we have a chat he normally goes really quiet which is how he normally reacts. so when we had the chat about getting engaged when i was 30 miles away from the sounds of it he was generally honest. but now its hard to talk about it but when i asked him when we was he keeps saying soon, so im thinking that our 2yr anniversary is in november i would propose to him but i like the old traditional way of boy asks girl. i will talk to him about how i feel about him and his cars and i am going to get him to open up about getting engaged. and when he mentioned the 30 mile gap apart i think he meant it was just too much hassle if we was apart with planning the wedding. i know i sound like im sticking up for him and im not im just saying this is what he's like. i mean im very lucky to have him but its just the little things annoy me e.g the cars and him not really taking me anywhere unless he wants to get something thats there. i hope our relationship gets stronger and he does eventually ask the question.

[Hopeless Dork]

This is something I'll never understand. When people love someone SO much and so truly and entirely and are so happy with the state of their relationship that they've decided they want to spend the rest of their lives with that someone... How they would be willing to drop it all in a heartbeat if they don't get the wedding.

I understand that people want security... but you do understand marriage will not provide it anymore than him verbally committing to you will. Married men cheat just as much as guys simply living with their girlfriends, they up and leave even if they have 5 kids...and while it makes things more complex splitting up... it just does not prevent it.

I understand ppl marry for religious reasons, but since you guys are already co-habitating, I'm assuming thats not the big issue here?

What are the things you expect to change in your relationship with marriage that don't currently happen now? I am not saying you should be anti-marriage... I just don't see the rational behinding leaving someone that makes you so very happy because they don't share the same vision of an afternoon with in laws and big cakes and dresses and whatnot.

I have to ask, like BD... is it the man you love? Is it commitment you desire Or commitment papers? If its the man you love, does he respect you? Is he loyal? Does he make you happy? Would you be willing to throw all that away for some man you don't love half as much, that doesn't treat you half as good.. but will agree to marry you?

[kizza]

ive never said id leave him if he didnt want to get married. i do love him more then anything in this world and he does respect me and i respect him, and he makes me very happy, i just get upset when he doesnt acknowledge me when stuff about the cars come up. i mean i know its hes weakness i suppose you could say, and i try to get involved but im not overly interested about it. i do try my hardest to get involved but i just lack interest. but i did have a chat with him last night, and i mentioned the discussion we had ages ago about him thinking of proposing and he said he still thinks about it, and when i mentioned what he thinks about when he is thinking about it, he says its hard to explain because he thinks about it when hes not thinking about it, if you understand it lol. but he says he will propose just when he feels 100% ready, and i understand that. i think once we got the move over with, and him paying his car off, and me hopefully passing rather my CBT or driving license, then maybe things will be a bit easier on deciding things.

[Hopeless Dork]

Its really okay if you aren't as interested in cars as him, there is probably loads of things that you find interesting that he would rather not engage in. As long as the two of you can respect each others individual passions and interests and at least devote *some* time into them, whether its just hanging out in the garage for an hour with him once every couple weeks while he tells you stuff he's doing to the car... or him sitting with you over lunch and listening to you go on about who's mad at who on the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy.

Marriage can be a very scary thing for a man that takes its meaning seriously, and in an old-fashioned way. Many guys see marriage as having to grow up in a really really huge way, become a man, become responsible for 1 more and possibly several more lives, to be the provider... to make sure his family never goes hungry and always has a roof over their head. To start thinking about insurance policies and saving for college educations and *gasp* retirement plans.

Depending on how the marriage played out between his folks or other people he grew up around he may see it as a step in the wrong direction, associate it with fighting and control living a life soley dedicated to making other people happy and huge sacrafices.

For a lot of women... they see marriage as a wedding, a shiny ring to show their friends, a huge dress to impress their cousins with and being able to fullfill some childhood princess fantasy... and don't see a whole lot beyond it... the work involved, the sacrafices that come with agreeing to spend the rest of your life as one half of a new whole , that is marriage.

His passion for cars won't change with a marriage certificate, and you sound like you love this man a whole lot... so even if you yourself have no interest in cars, it would serve you well to understand that they hold some special place with him, but not above you. A lot of people are passionate about work, a sport, or a hobby/interest and your boyfriend sounds like his lays with the latter... better cars than drugs or strippers or gambling, really it is.

[sourpuss]

Getting married isn't going to make him any less interested in cars. How he treats you now is how he'll treat you when you're married. Nothing will be any different. If he feels pressured and he has to marry you to not lose you or to appease you, then there will be resentment there that will probably never go away. The way he'll deal with that....spend even more time with the car stuff.
I agree with BD, sounds like you're heck-bent on having a wedding for the sake of having a wedding and the whole 9 yards. Why do you want to marry someone who is not ready to be married and someone with whom you're not on the same page with? I think you really need to ask yourself why you want this so bad.

[kizza]

very true, although i know what commitments are involved after the gorgeous dress and the shiny ring, but im ready for it. i dont think id get married straight away after getting engaged i want a long engagement so we can properly organise things. i love cars but tbh i dont love them as much as he does, he knows all the parts lol and i just about know where the engine is lol. hes parents have been together over 30 yrs and still going strong. i know a few of him mates who are married or getting married and they seem happy but we dont know what they're like inside there homes.

[BabyGirl]

When I read your first post, the two words that popped out, as if in Bold font were Car and Engagement. And in most of your other posts those two words pop out..

It seems you are Jealous of his car and the attention he give it. Is this a special collectors car, new car, fancy car, is he rebuilding it, is he detailing it ( making it shine and perfect at all times ) ? Is he working on the engine alot to upgrade it ?

The reason I ask is because I'm a Car Parts Pro / Specialist and work with many customers, mostly men , that have to have their car perfect, running or looking. Many are restoring them for the many Car Shows and Clubs we have here.

These men are married ( most of them) with Families and Jobs.... But they are " Weekend Warriors" when it comes to their " Mistress AKA The Car"... They can be very anal and defensive and protective of their "Mistress of Metal".

In one of your posts, you say you have tried to be interested in what he does with his Car ? But are uninterested in it. Give him an Ultimatum between you and his car... Honey you wil lose !!!!!!


On the Money part of it. Cars can be expensive, upkeep and upgrades or even PMS ( Preventive Maintiance Services ) like oil changes and tiers and basic running condition. Remember that (if only car he owns) This is how he can get to work and earn money to pay rent and bills.

If it is a Collectors or Project car... Know it is his Dream, his time to be in his personal space and enjoy time with an Inanimate object, that does not nag or demand time from him.

If it is a new car or "Cool" car and he is very adamant about it's upkeep or looks. he may be a man that likes or expects near perfection or at least very clean, detailed things in his life.

Try to understand what it is about the Car that intriques him so much. Go online, google the year and type of car, look thru Images and find pic's of the same type car, Read about the Mechanic's of it, Like Horse power or History of it. I'm not saying take a Mechanic's class , but when you know about your " Competition " You know how to be #1 in the Human Compietion for his heart.


How to Compete with the Metal Mistress.

When he gets home, have him a cold drink ready, tell him " Honey go change clothes and go work on the car ( they usually have a name for it ) and that dinner is at ( enter tme)" .. Ask if he would rather come in and clean up for Dinner or eat near the Car ( enter Name ). This is showing him you understand his affection for the car and also that he is making a choice of whom/ what to spend Dinner~time with .

If he choses the " Car", then be ok with it... Make a nice Dinner, dress sexy/not ****ty ( in the same color of the car , if possible) Take out a Blanket, some Candles and then Dinner and have a Picnic . Yes you can have a Romantic Picnic Dinner near the Metal Mistress, just keep candles away from any car oils or gases.

While having Dinner, discuss a bit of info you learned about the car. Praise his work on it ( even if you don't understand it) . Ask questions about the car and why it is so Special to him ? Keep mental notes and then Google the notes later that you remember.

After dinner is done , ask if he wants desert now or later ? Give him a Wink and a Sexy Smile and let him Chose.. If he choses the Car over your " Special Desert , *YOU* .. Then Honey you have not wasted any time, you know then that he is Dedicated to an Unloving Metal Mistress, and it's best you get a Hobby of your own if you plan to stay with him.

There are certain things that are great about backseats, not being in them making love with the one you love is not one of those .

If you or anyone needs some advise about Cars and Men or just a little how too's , feel free to contact me as a Friend/ PM thingy here ..

[sourpuss]

from reading through this whole thread it seems you're in love with the idea of a wedding, the dress, the engagement...etc, more than you are in love with your boyfriend and certainly more than he is in love with you. I think the two of you should focus on being happy and loving one another before making the engagement commitment.

[kizza]

its just his everyday kind of car, work and pleasure. thanks for the advice will try it.

[kizza]

from reading through this whole thread it seems you're in love with the idea of a wedding, the dress, the engagement...etc, more than you are in love with your boyfriend and certainly more than he is in love with you. I think the two of you should focus on being happy and loving one another before making the engagement commitment.

no i love him more then anything, the idea of the wedding and the dress etc is just a thought in my head that i like the idea of. yes i do want the engagemant but if he isnt ready then its fine, i can wait. we've already discussed the issue now anyway and i asked once if we did move to another area and he pays off his car then maybe things will lighten up and he agrees. he still thinks of asking me without actually setting his mind on it so its a hopeful thought for us both. but not now, maybe in the near future.