[CHANDLERS WISH]

He feels overwhelmed, that she's interfering, that he's suffocating and he's getting angry to the extent that he wants to smash her face, then he scares you, when driving, goes faster, puts the window down, swears, threatens...

His blood is boiling, he's at breaking point, probably been told what to do all his life..

He can't deal with this, he either needs to realise it's his life now and tell her that, snap out of it, believe it, and live, or needs therapy, to help him get there, or else he will do something stupid, crash the car, you in there, you have to view your safety...

Tell him that.

[North]

I really appreciate the response I've been given by you guys regarding this problem. It gave me the motivation (and support) I needed to tell him last night that he needs to seek counseling for himself. His response was predicatable. "I don't do therapy. I don't believe in psychiatry (I don't believe I actually mentioned psychiatry once). I will not go so they can put me on medication (I did not mention medication once). I don't think I need it. It's normal the things I say and do. What would I tell them....' and so forth. At the end of the conversation, he agreed to go. However, he just had to add one more stipulation (which is sort of amusing. This is for his benefit, not mine, and yet I have to 'give in' to requests for him to help himself. Disgusting). Basically, he wants me to go with him so that I can tell the doctor what's wrong with him since he's 'doing this for me'. This gave me ample opportunity to point out to him that A) I'm not going to see the therapist to tell them your problems because I understand that this is an attempt to manipulate the situation. If I go and complain, then he can feel like victim (I've been through this with him. The 'I'm not responsible for anything and the world is against me' routine is finally wearing thin on me); B) You are an adult and you must accept responsibility for your actions. Saying you want to physically harm your mother is not normal. Driving insane to make myself and other drivers afraid of you is controlling and manipulative. C) This is not going to turn into you attempting to humiliate me in front of a therapist. He actually said, with a straight face (I can only imagine since this was over a phone) 'Well, why wouldn't you come? What are you afraid of?'. Suggesting that I'm afraid is not totally ludicrous, but not in the way he's imaginging. He is probably imagining that I'll point these things out to a therapist and they'll say, 'Well, he's fine. You're wrong. You're the one with the problem'. I imagine it that I'll start in a normal, calm voice and end the session screaming in frustration at him. I agreed to go to one session for support. Afterwards, he's on his own or he's literally on his own.
I feel horrible that I may have to start over again. Everyone goes through this; you invest time and emotion with someone and then suddenly you have to end it. But honestly, I feel good that I finally said to him what I needed to get out of me for a while.

Again, any more advice is appreciated but what I've received so far helped me immeasurably.

[Ashlee T.]

You seem like a very smart gal, and great job on confronting the issue. It is a bit telling that he feels like he can bargain with you in order to do something HE needs to do for himself. And you're right, I do believe it is his attempt to manipulate the situation. He doesn't feel responsible for his actions, he feels that there is always someone to blame for every way he feels, so he doesn't feel like he can do this alone, because then who does he blame???? If you go to the therapist too, then he can say things like "well you lied to the therapist" "you made me look bad" "you blew that way out of proportion and now the therapist thinks I'm crazy!" etc etc. Be careful even going to one session, YOU are not the problem here and you don't need to be a factor in his therapy. That is....IF he even actually follows through and goes. Hard for me to believe that if he truly thinks he's normal, that he'd be willing to go.

As for starting over..... you're right, we all go through that at some point. It's SO much better to go through that, than to end up with someone whom you can't trust your safety with, or the safety of those around you. Every day spent with someone like that is one less day of happiness, trust, and peace you'll have in your life.

Good job laying it out on the table. Now, be prepared for the cleanup. Make your plan and stick to it.