[lonestar]

Do you worry that he will become violent if you confront him about this? Cause if so, you don't need that (and your kids definitely don't need that). You don't need this even without him being physically abusive; it sounds like he already is emotionally. He needs to be a man if he wants a future with you. Do not marry him until he changes!
If he gets angry about this, he is angry that you have wised up and he doesn't have a free ride anymore. If that's the case, he is not worthy of your time and energy. He is not the child here...

[sourpuss]

Does your ex actually make your house payments in addition to child support? Just trying to clarify, that's what the original post sounded like.
I've been thinking about this all day. I think that if someone was living in a house that I was paying for, spending more time with my kids than me, and sleeping with my ex, I'd be LIVID that it was all on my dime.
If you and your boyfriend are serious enough to live together with your children, then he DEFINITELY needs to step up and pay (at the very LEAST), his share. He should also recognize that he's not only committed to you, but to your children now too and with that comes extra expenses and responsibilites. If he's not that committed, then he should not be living in your house.

[Fallen1]

His reasoning also is that he isn't going to pay things because that is my ex's responsibility and he doesn't want to do anything to help him out.

It is not your ex-husband's responsibility to put a roof over his head and pay his bills. The only responsibility your ex-husband has it to pay his portion of his child support - whatever the court has ordered.

It sounds to me as though he may be taking advantage of this situation. I know you care about this man but it sounds to me as though you need to re-evaluate this. By not paying his fare share and getting a free ride he is basically taking the money that could be used (and is supposed to be used) for your children away from them.

[Awoman2]

In the first place I don't think you should have this man living in the house your husband is still paying a mortgage on. But that's just me.

Since you have chosen to let him live in the house, he's obviously decided that he will live off both you and your ex, and that's exactly what he's doing by refusing to contribute to the home.

This man is obviously using you. Do you think that you can't get a good man to take emotional care of you and your three kids? I understand being divorced and having 3 kids you may think your choices are limited. Starting all over again is never easy. But believe me, your options are not that limited.

You should've been enjoying your independence instead of picking up this slacker. A man who does not have any sense of responsibility is not much of a man.

Do yourself and your beautiful children a favour and throw this bum out on the street. Then start to breathe and to live.

[Hopeless Dork]

I just don't understand his logic

This is probably due to the fact that you sound like a caring, responsible, selfless person... and from you describe... he is anything but. It would be impossible to understand how someone could be so selfish... and well.. free-loading, especially a man. I know some women (and men) are going to throw some rotten tomatos at me about equality and stuff... but good grief, most self-respecting men would not want to be fed by their girlfriends ex. Most guys would have too much pride for that and would want to pay at the very least their own way.

Does he think you are too oblivious to notice that he doesn't pitch in? Does he think that in any other household to which he were a roomate in, that his rent and share of utilities and food and such wouldnt come before fancying up his truck? I think he thinks he's got you, that you aren't going anywhere and he's ready to take take take take. To complain about a change jar that YOU likely contribute to, when he is already mooching so much off of you, goes beyond thoughtless and is uttler disrespectful. Its insult to injury... he doesn't pay for jack, then demands you pay him back a measly 5 bucks?

Obviously you are in love with this man or you would have put a stop to this along time ago... and showed him the door. But its not easy to do when your heart is involved... but its time for you to examine how much HIS heart is involved. When a man is in love his instincts tell him to protect, to provide and to care for the woman he loves... the fact that he is doing the opposite of all that might go to point to alterior motives.

Just be careful, talk to him about this or you will just build resentment to him anyway. You are paying your own way, he doesn't have to pay for you... I'm not saying because he's a man he needs to pay for all... but he should at the very least pay for himself.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Thank you all for responding so quickly. Beautiful Disaster, I know what you are saying. I have been thinking to myself what kind of example is he for the kids. The other 2 posts are how I'm feeling also. I guess I'm just afraid. I know he would never hurt me if I upset him, but my ex did so it makes me nervous. It seems like every time he gets money he brings up how hes going to be broke because he has to get new tires or 800 to fix the front end in his truck. Well I have things that come up too, such as having to buy a new washing machine. I just don't understand his logic, and as soon as I start talking about something thats going to him off he ignores me. I just don't understand. I would be embarrassed and feel like a slacker if I were him. Something needs to give becuase I am fed up and either he pays up or he can hit the curb!

sls, I'm 47, I don't have children granted, however, I'm here to tell you that any woman whom has 3 children has fear she will be left on the shelf. Any woman whom is divorced wonders if she will find happiness and mostly, is very lonely and so wanting to get out there and find what she didn't have... "That much I do know"... as I am Divorced.

Any woman whom "is afraid" because of her past relationship, doesn't trust and so wants to trust but usually, just "goes with it" in hope he is not the same as what she had... Yo say your ex did... bonus, 1 right, this man won't, that means that you don't have a physically abusive man this time but you do have a user, ...

Here is how it works.... Your both at an age where, he has probably had to pay for things before, he says not this time, she must own a house, etc, I'll cry poor .. because no woman is getting anything from me again..

How do I know? He moved in, in 6 months, he complained about 10 dollars, (australian), he won't pay for anything... he "uses" the excuse of the ex, sweet, the ex paid for the house, and is paying for the children, two people pay for food, water, etsa, laundry, and also, mortgage, no mortgage? Then savings for holidays do they not? I also know because paragraph before? My ex did that, we were 37, he had a bad Divorce that he created, mind you before me, and decided, he wanted a woman with a house who owned a business Your words are ringing true here, don't do another 10 years, your man cheated before this one, and your baby was 1 year old...

Respect, respect, respect... If he can't be part of your life as a whole, don't be frightened, understand your fear, understand that you got him you will get someone else, 3 kids is nothing, it's you the men will be interested in, not your home, not you paying for everything..

He ignores, because he has no answer, he is using excuses hoping your dumb enough to see his so called logic

DON'T SETTLE sweet, there are lots more men out there, don't think because finally you have someone whom is not abusive, yay, because he's not the guy for you. Kick him to the curb...

You just tell him, we're going to do a budget, we both live here and hey, togetherness means exactly that.. so what time can you sit down to do one with me, so we help each other financially, oh and don't bring in the ex, what he gives is for the kids, and we're lucky there's no mortgage repayments, only normal bills and food...

CW

[SSDS]

I have to agree with most of the responses already posted. I just want to add that I know personally how hard it is to end a long relationship, to question your own value and happiness versus comfort, and to then find someone who seems great...at first. I really believe that people come into our lives for various reasons. I also think that a relationship that might have been good initially does not mean it will always stay that way. Like Sourpuss, I too have a piece of your post that I can't get out of my head. You say that your boyfriend sometimes has the money to make fixes on his truck, but has not really helped out financially around the house. I want you to ask yourself how would this guy survive without your help and a place to live? If your response is that he can't, ask yourself if this is the kind of guy you want for you (and your kids). If your response is he'd probably just find another similar situation...then, really either way, you have the information you need to move on and for him to move out.

Like Chandlers Wish said, don't settle. We can meet people at any time. You have already proven that by meeting this current boyfriend. Maybe he has been all he can for you...the first real relationship since your ex. Take it at face value and be good to yourself It can be hard, but so worth it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I really believe that people come into our lives for various reasons.

SSDS you get settling. And I can't agree more with what you wrote above, can I add?

Life is about learning, if we don't make mistakes we don't learn, and if we don't take a risk we don't learn either.

What we have to do is learn by the mistake, and see it as it is...

CW