[JustHormonious]

Amen Colorado... When she least expects it, he will be standing right next to her...

[WildChild]

What's that line from Moonstruck? When he says something a she should have waited for him and she says. "You're late".
I'm not sidetracking myself anymore. I'm over 50. I have helped too many men get what they want to my own detriment because then I'm not giving my needs attention, for too long. I have a family to support, a business to get going and I'm tired of passing out bjs and hjs and not getting what I need. I can do without sexually all by myself and skip the frustration. Of course I'm tired right now, who know what I'll think when I've had enough sleep?

[KMonte85]

WC - you deserve the best, and I hope you find whatever or whoever it is that can give that to you! (Perhaps you need a cat. I've come to find they can be much more affectionate and much less dependant than some more "human" companions hahaha - what am I saying? I must be tired to!)

I am on board with Colorado. I have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to cheating as well. I have nothing against anyone who can or do make an open relationship work, but I know in my heart of hearts that it is not for me. I have made that abundantly clear with my boyfriend, so there is no gray area.

I would rather be content and alone than live unhappy and suspicious with a mate who has cheated on me. Kudos to those that can forgive, forget, and grow a stronger relationship from infidelity. It would take me many moons to forgive, and I would NEVER forget... and at that point, why stay? It is best for my and my partner's happiness that we go our separate ways.

[Ashlee T.]

It two people agree to an open relationship....then it's not cheating because there's honesty, openness agreement and lack of deceit.

Cheating is different. It's less to do with the "act" and more to do with the hurt and betrayal caused as a result.

Having faith in the unknown is hard where anything is concerned. Marriage (or any commited relationship) is having faith in the unknown because you only know of that person what they have allowed you to know. When you marry, you have FAITH in that person to be good to your heart, to treat you like they want to be treated, to love you, to protect you from harm, etc. When your partner works to deceives you, betrays you, disregards your feelings, shares sexual or emotional intimacy with someone else behind your back........you lose that faith.

I strongly believe that the more self confidence a person has, the less likely they are to try to "work through" cheating. It often times becomes much more of a "I don't want to be alone, I don't want to start over, I might not be able to make it financially, what will my family think" issue than it does a "I have lost my faith in my husband/wife, they have deceived me, I will not be able to live my life as a happy, free, joyous individual who feels loved, cherished, and desired as long as I stay with this person."
I think more often than not...when someone finds out their spouse has cheated, they hurt...obviously...but they go into "Relationship Survival" mode and are at that point willing to do almost anything just to keep from having the relationship end...therefore be single and have to face the lifestyle changes.

I tried once to work through a situation in which I had been cheated on. It destroyed me from the inside out. The jealousy, the insecurity, the worry, the stress, the feelings that I was "crazy", the feeling unattractive, the doubt. It was a horrible way to live....that I talked myself into so I could be with this person. He ended up cheating with her again....and then breaking up with me to get back with her. But then guess what? He cheated on her with me.

So no..IMO is a relationship fully repairable after cheating? On paper, where you stay together, live in the same home, function etc........ Yes. But in your heart? No it's not. I do not think any amount of counseling, anti depressants, "I love you"s etc are going to fix what cheating breaks. And I won't ever put myself through that again. If you cheat, then you don't love me the way I need to be loved.....period.

[Olympia]

I have asked myself this many times... When i was young and single the topic was mentioned many times among friends/family.. At that time, my response was always clear cut, "Walk away". But i changed, and the vow i took; Love, Honor, Cherish till death do us part had/has meaning. It seems these vows have lost their luster, in the world of today.. I was conflicted, being raised in the Catholic faith, fear, and feeling a huge lack of respect due to the affairs, lying, and porn addiction.. I believed in the commitment i made, it is recent that i have questioned it and in all honesty to myself, may.. finally walk away. What always was a constant thought with me when i found out of each affair was.. somehow it was my fault! There had to be a reason, (IN MY MIND) why, and it must be me and a lack of (???) on my part.

[Casey715]

My trigger response is, its over. But I love my wife. If she cheated, I don't think I could just end it. I guess it would matter, like, how did it happen. Is there an emotional connection with the dude she's banging. Or was it a one night stand because she was drunk and horny and the dude was hot. I guess I'm asking, did it matter. Can she live without this guy IF we stay together? Did she cheat because I have failed as a husband/lover. I guess it would depend on the situation.

[WildChild]

I believed in the commitment i made, it is recent that i have questioned it and in all honesty to myself, may.. finally walk away. What always was a constant thought with me when i found out of each affair was.. somehow it was my fault! There had to be a reason, (IN MY MIND) why, and it must be me and a lack of (???) on my part.

Unless you are raving betch and a maniac, in which case he should have left first, it isn't you. It's what they can get away with. I've been there more than once, it isn't always cheating, it can be just abusing your love and good nature, expecting you to give and give while they take and take without giving. It can be emotional abuse, physical, financial, there are so many ways that someone can manipulate and hurt you once you have made a committment to them and have come to love them. They use and abuse your love and think that because you love and have made that committment, they are entitled. I don't know where this thinking comes from but it seems to be very prevelent.

I always thought that if both loved and cared and made the other a priority, then you should have something pretty darned good. The operative word is Both. It seems all too often that one really works at the relationship, trying to make adjustments and make it work, while the other just takes it all for granted.

It needs balance, when one is down, the other helps them back up. When one needs a hug the other has one ready and willing, when one needs a sympathetic ear the other is listening, they can laugh together, share the ups and downs. What seems to happen is one will make the other their dumping ground. They get all the moaning and complaining, the care taking, the figuring how to make ends meets, the sacrificing, the troubles, but either someone else get the good times and the caring or its just not shared.

In a way infidelity isn't just having an affair. It could be seen as not sharing anything good. Its a selfishness. If you come through a really rough financial time, you have both scrimped and done without and sacrificed, and one has sold many of their personal possessions, given up their car and cut to the bone and the other has just given up extras and things turn around and one starts spending on themself and their hobbies and interests, when there still isn't money for essentials and they haven't caught up from the period of deprevation, isn't that a similar behavior? It's putting what they want above the needs of the relationship. It's putting their personal pleasures above the households survival level needs. I think its a whole attitude. It's not just having an affair. It one treating the other more like a servant than a partner.

The sneaking and lying somehow becomes the other's fault because if it wasn't for them, there would be no need. Its a strange circle of reasoning. Expecting you to stay and be faithful and caring and do what you do but resenting you because they are sneaking around. I can't wrap my head around it. If both aren't dedicated to creating something that works and brings both greater joy, what's the point? Better to get away from the user.

[JustHormonious]

somehow it was my fault! There had to be a reason, (IN MY MIND) why, and it must be me and a lack of (???) on my part.

This is the reality for many people, years and years of feeling this way. You have done nothing wrong, and there is nothing that you can do to fix it. I too believed in the commitment that I made but my husband didn't. He broke the commitment, I ended the marriage.

He begged me to give him a second chance and every time I looked at him, I remembered my father telling me as a young child, there is nothing worse than a liar and a thief. He was both! Make a list of everything these cheaters steal from you.

I will never forget the freedom I felt when I walked out of that courtroom. Baggage left at the door, time to move forward.

5 years later married the man of my dreams. Everything is possible!

[Allie602]

You feel responsible because the marriage therapy community advances and pop culture says that deceived has done something to deserve being humiliated and is required to fix things to make the deceiver happy to stay. What BS, the people who cheat care more about themselves then their spouse and children. Can't resist the temptation and they think they can get away with it. If your spouse chests and you stay do so for finances or/and the kids can have two parents but make plans to leave a soon as the serve their purpose. But if you can walk. Why stay in a situation with a flawed person who will betray you again and again?

Since such a high proportion of people are cheating in marriage, I think you have to be prepared. I will not have more kids than I can handle on my own, that means one child, I will not stop working and advancing in my career and I will not relax and stop watching my weight and how I look. I will have my own finances in case I need. I will not stop having social contacts with men so I don't become isolated and out of touch with men. That's how I see it a little cynical but practical, I have even odds that, when I get married, my spouse will cheat. I see how men behave in the workplace, they are always sniffing around. You have to have no written all over you to keep them at bay. Some stupid woman fall for the they put out - an OW is a marriage stabilizer, not a love interest. She actually makes it easier for a man to stay in the married.