I need advice ASAP!
Okay so here's the background. I have been seeing this guy for 9 months now. He smart, funny, and has a great job downtown in finance. We have the same personality and have a great time at home or out on the town. We are technically not official. It’s a long story, but basically I am coming out of a really long and messy relationship and want to stay single after six years of being w/ a guy. My new guy pal is sticking around by keeping me company and is very supportive about the whole thing.
My dilemma is he is a tightwad w/ money and self center.
In the beginning of the relationship I insisted on paying for things (this includes lunch, dinner, hotel rooms, and special events like movies, plays or games) for two reasons.
1. After moving out of my ex’s, I lived w/ my parents and literally had no bills.
2. I am a very giving person who likes to pay most of the time. I like that I am young independent girl who makes good money and have the $$ to pay. I also come from a large family and it’s sort of ingrained in me to share as much as I can. I also pay for my friends, who always return the favor.
So before we got too serious, I was the first to whip out my debit card and pick up the tabs. He was very appreciative and thought it was quite odd that I paid, but none the less, he let me do it time and time again. I didn’t realize it at first until I moved out of my parent’s house to my own apartment. Now, I have to pay rent, utilities, food and other expenses like cable and travel. The first time we went out after putting down 1,800 on my new place, (to a 4 star restaurant I might add) I figured he would pick up the tab. When the bill came it sat there for like 30 minutes before I picked it up. He immediately said “thank you, are you sure you got it?” and of course I said yes since I already picked it up. Since then I’ve tracked what’s been going on.
- He doesn’t pay for anything, even when he picks the place.
- He stays over my place all the time and uses my soap, toiletries, medicine, and an insane amount of Kleenex.
- I paid for a $ 200 V-day dinner cause his wallet was stolen and promised to pay me back and hasn't.
- I also got him a $100 dollar camera for V-day and I got, a re-gifted candy lolly pop.
- I always make it a point to go out of my way and buy him very luxurious gifts and he buys convenient store candy for me.
The last straw was when he took home the remainder of his Benadryl he purchased, after using up all of mine. I’m now pretty bitter about the situation and have stopped going out w/ him. When we do go out I set a budget. So instead of going to a place that is over my budget and paying for the rest, He finds a place to make sure that my cash covers the entire tab. When the bill comes, I’ll make comments to him like “Oh. I guess I’ll pay, again.” He dismisses them as if I’m being caddy. I think, by nature (being a numbers guy) he doesn’t see anything wrong w/ it.
I’ve tried bringing it up a few times, like how I think there is an imbalance. He’ll entertain me for a few minutes and then say something like “oh are you having money problems?” or say that we aren’t together as a couple, so if you want to be more serious let me know (which i think is a cop out). He pretends like he doesn’t understand my dilemma by saying “What do you want from me? Do you want me to pay for myself? I thought you liked to pay? Did I do something wrong”. I told him I don’t mind paying for things every now and then, if he contributed in other ways, but after he pays once it goes right back to the same way.
I don’t want to loose him as a friend so, I agreed to sit down w/ him TONIGHT and explain things. I don't feel comfortable talking about it either, like asking him for me or to pay for my toiletries if he only comes over 2-3 times a week. He's also not my boyfriend, but i don't think this should matter. I feel like i'm treating him like a boyfreind and he's treating me like a friend w/ double benefits, pay for dinner and score. He also told me before we were serious that he had other friends doing the same thing that i'm doing now.
What should I say? I don’t want to seem weak or that I can’t pay. But he takes that as I will pay all the time. Should I stop seeing him or be his GF? Will things change? Is this normal or is this a big red flag. Or is it that i'm just a really really giving person and he just isn't. . .
On a side note: I'm getting really attached to him and He I. We say I love you and we are in love, but i feel like i'm open, honest and giving to him and he's not reciprocating. Although he's a very loving and passionate person, He's also very closed off about his personal life (I barely know where he works). He says this is because we aren't together and if we were he'd open up more. Am i being played for a fool?
Okay so here's the background. I have been seeing this guy for 9 months now. He smart, funny, and has a great job downtown in finance. We have the same personality and have a great time at home or out on the town. We are technically not official. It’s a long story, but basically I am coming out of a really long and messy relationship and want to stay single after six years of being w/ a guy. My new guy pal is sticking around by keeping me company and is very supportive about the whole thing.
My dilemma is he is a tightwad w/ money and self center.
In the beginning of the relationship I insisted on paying for things (this includes lunch, dinner, hotel rooms, and special events like movies, plays or games) for two reasons.
1. After moving out of my ex’s, I lived w/ my parents and literally had no bills.
2. I am a very giving person who likes to pay most of the time. I like that I am young independent girl who makes good money and have the $$ to pay. I also come from a large family and it’s sort of ingrained in me to share as much as I can. I also pay for my friends, who always return the favor.
So before we got too serious, I was the first to whip out my debit card and pick up the tabs. He was very appreciative and thought it was quite odd that I paid, but none the less, he let me do it time and time again. I didn’t realize it at first until I moved out of my parent’s house to my own apartment. Now, I have to pay rent, utilities, food and other expenses like cable and travel. The first time we went out after putting down 1,800 on my new place, (to a 4 star restaurant I might add) I figured he would pick up the tab. When the bill came it sat there for like 30 minutes before I picked it up. He immediately said “thank you, are you sure you got it?” and of course I said yes since I already picked it up. Since then I’ve tracked what’s been going on.
- He doesn’t pay for anything, even when he picks the place.
- He stays over my place all the time and uses my soap, toiletries, medicine, and an insane amount of Kleenex.
- I paid for a $ 200 V-day dinner cause his wallet was stolen and promised to pay me back and hasn't.
- I also got him a $100 dollar camera for V-day and I got, a re-gifted candy lolly pop.
- I always make it a point to go out of my way and buy him very luxurious gifts and he buys convenient store candy for me.
The last straw was when he took home the remainder of his Benadryl he purchased, after using up all of mine. I’m now pretty bitter about the situation and have stopped going out w/ him. When we do go out I set a budget. So instead of going to a place that is over my budget and paying for the rest, He finds a place to make sure that my cash covers the entire tab. When the bill comes, I’ll make comments to him like “Oh. I guess I’ll pay, again.” He dismisses them as if I’m being caddy. I think, by nature (being a numbers guy) he doesn’t see anything wrong w/ it.
I’ve tried bringing it up a few times, like how I think there is an imbalance. He’ll entertain me for a few minutes and then say something like “oh are you having money problems?” or say that we aren’t together as a couple, so if you want to be more serious let me know (which i think is a cop out). He pretends like he doesn’t understand my dilemma by saying “What do you want from me? Do you want me to pay for myself? I thought you liked to pay? Did I do something wrong”. I told him I don’t mind paying for things every now and then, if he contributed in other ways, but after he pays once it goes right back to the same way.
I don’t want to loose him as a friend so, I agreed to sit down w/ him TONIGHT and explain things. I don't feel comfortable talking about it either, like asking him for me or to pay for my toiletries if he only comes over 2-3 times a week. He's also not my boyfriend, but i don't think this should matter. I feel like i'm treating him like a boyfreind and he's treating me like a friend w/ double benefits, pay for dinner and score. He also told me before we were serious that he had other friends doing the same thing that i'm doing now.
What should I say? I don’t want to seem weak or that I can’t pay. But he takes that as I will pay all the time. Should I stop seeing him or be his GF? Will things change? Is this normal or is this a big red flag. Or is it that i'm just a really really giving person and he just isn't. . .
On a side note: I'm getting really attached to him and He I. We say I love you and we are in love, but i feel like i'm open, honest and giving to him and he's not reciprocating. Although he's a very loving and passionate person, He's also very closed off about his personal life (I barely know where he works). He says this is because we aren't together and if we were he'd open up more. Am i being played for a fool?
So take my advice with that caveat. Total what you spend on "dates' with this guy and in things used at your home. Now total what "benefits' you get from your relationship with him. Is the "game" worth the candle? Are you being "used" financially- yes. Is the benefit worth the price? And since you say he "loves" you and you think you love him- is this how you wish to spend your life?
- be sure you ae getting your money's worth.
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