[aem45]

I have been recently seeing a guy for about a year. Things haven't really started normal - I recently came off of a long long term relationship that the loose ties are still lingering. My new guy "Bob" is a good guy but because of my last BF he's been reluctant to open up to me, until I cease all communications with my ex, which is totally understandable. But here's my dilemma:

I had a conversation with Bob about having girls that he frequently hangs out with. It was brought up by him asking to bring his girl friend (who by the way I have never met) to a family trip that I invited him to. When I asked him if he had girls that he hangs out with, he immediately said of course and why not, they are just friends. I am not use to having a boyfriend who has girls friends and I find it kind of awkward, since when we met, he couldn't keep his hands off of me. I don't think I would be so irked by it if he introduced me to them or at the very least brought them up in a conversation. The closest thing to even discussing Bob's friends of the opposite sex were when I forced him to tell me who's house he sleeps over when he watches late night Baseball games. He told me that he hangs out with a group of friends, single guys and girls that all watch the game and sleep at a rented house. His excuse for holding back his coed sleepovers were 1. Me not getting the wrong idea about it, and 2. Not wanting to open up to me due do my issues with my ex. He also said 'Don't you have guy friends that you hang out with?' and the answer to that is no, actually I do not.

Bob also has been single for a long time and I think that bachelors just have friends like that. So I guess I'm wondering if this is normal? I have requested to meet his friends and he has beat around the bush or made up an excuse to why its not a good time. Should I care that he has lady friends that he constantly sees? Or should I leave it alone? He assures me that they are just friends and that the only person that he wants is me, but I can't help but wonder. Why does he keep me so separate from that part of him? Why can't he be more open about his friends? Sure he may not be intimate with these girls, but are they really just friends or is he somehow emotionally attached?

Maybe coming out of a really long relationship I should have taken a break to process it and get my own 'just friends' friends to make it normal. But now, I am totally attached and can't help but to take to Cookoo train to cheatersville .

Please help.

[KMonte85]

I don't know all the dynamics of your relationship, but I will say that it strikes me as odd that you have been dating this guy for a year and he has not introduced you to his friends.

The issue isn't so much that he is spending time with friends who are females, the bigger issue to me would be that he is being secretive and aloof about them to you... he doesn't seem to want you to meet them and THAT is a red flag after a few months, let alone a YEAR of seeing this guy.

Your gut instinct is telling you something here. You are not being paranoid or overly sensitive. You and your guy are long overdue for a talk about why he is choosing to keep you from meeting his friends... And don't let him make up excuses, this is something that needs to be discussed openly and honestly. You'll know if he's feeding you a line to appease you and change the subject... don't let that happen.

[JadedQueen]

I totally agree with KM.
If things were on the level he should have no problems with you meeting his friends male or female. For me it would be a serious red flag that he hasn't made any mention or attempts to introduce you to his friends and when you bring it up is evasive about it. It seems to me as if he has two seperate lives and wants to continue to keep them seperated. To me this situation means he's either hiding something from you that if you met his friends you'd find out whatever it is he is hiding.... or he's hiding the fact that he's in a relationship with you from his friends and that would lead me to question why?

Have you ever thought about telling him you want to host a get together and you want him to invite all of his friends to watch whatever sports they gather to watch.... he should have no reason to refuse or make the situation as such that he has no reason to refuse and if he does.... I would have a serious discussion and inquire why he doesn't want to introduce you to his friends.

[Shell86]

I would also have to agree with Km and Jadedqueen. That is a big red flag that he is keeping you separate from his other life. It's generally because they are hiding something and they don't want you to know about it. I was in a relationship for over 4 years and my ex use to try and keep me hidden from his friends and control who I would even speak to. Turns out the whole time he had been cheating (Not saying that your man would be doing that) But it does bring up the question as to why he won't let you meet them and why he is secretive about that part of his life.
I really think you should sit down and talk to him, don't let him feed you excuses to buy you off.

[JadedQueen]

Do his friends (male and female friends) know that he is seeing you? Do you live together or does he stay the night? Basically what I am curious about is when you are together has he gotten or made a phone call to his friends in your presence? If he does get calls from his friends (regardless of their gender) does he cut the conversation short, or leave the room to avoid talking to his friends in front of you?
When you have asked him if you could meet his friends and he gives you excuses.... what excuses does he use? Could there be some truth to his excused why he hasn't introduced you to them... ??? I'm kinda curious, has he introduced you to any of his family members? Have you introduced him to your family members? It just all seems really shady to me, especially since you have been together for a year. My boyfriend introduced me to his family and friends the first date we went on.

[superchallenge1174]

So I know its a year later but I think I have the same problem... my boyfriend was a bachelor for over 6 years and was on allot of dating sites... since we have been together a little over a year he has deleted himself from all sites but I know he has several female friends... most of them on facebook and they know of me and I obviously know of them... I have met most of his best friends and well his family lives out of state so I have only spoken to them on the phone aside from his 13 year old daughter that I met and have spent allot of time with. I just feel uncomfortable with the female friends.. I just dont trust it... but anytime I talk to him about it he says those are his friends and he will not stop talking to them. Being that he has been distant from family he really values friends... I just feel like maybe he cant let go of the multiple conversations with women.. He is really good to me and has supported my children and I for about a year now since I lost my job..also invests allot of time to me and them and also pretty much tries to keep me happy... very calm guy ... I just dont know if im being insecire or if he keeps these girls around for something other than friends... they are all ot of state so Im, not sure...

[jns]

super, I suspect that being without a job for a year has made you more insecure because he is your lifeline of support. Nothing you said convinces me that the relationships are anything but platonic. The being insecure may highlight parts of your personality that he may not find attractive. One way to keep tabs on things is to build genuine friendships with his friends.