[lilay86]

Hi, I am hoping I can find some advice here. I have been struggling with my emotions and thoughts on how to deal with my boyfriend. We are in our mid-20's and have been dating for 2 years and we are both very committed to each other.

I know every couple has their share in fights and that some fights are actually healthy in a relationship. I promise you that we don't fight often, but when we do once in a while, it's emotionally draining. He copes with his emotions in some of the most hurtful ways I have trouble dealing with. Fights start from little things to big things, but whether they are big or small, he has trouble communicating with me.

When either of us get upset, we of course raise our voices and say hurtful things that we don't always mean. I am usually the one talking and he just keeps quiet. When I ask him that I would like to communicate the problem and talk it out so we can resolve it, he tends to blow up on me. It is understandable because what I may have been saying could have been making him feel truly low and I must have offended him in several ways. When he blows up, I end up always crying and a wave of emotions overcome me. When I think about what he says during his episode, I really do think that he is being more practical and I'm just the bad girlfriend. I always feel horrible after fights. I always feel at my lowest: not a good person, a bad g/f, not capable of making him happy, etc. I also am aware of how I make him feel and I do care how I affect him... which contributes to why I feel so bad. In in the end of our fights, I usually feel like it's all my fault and that I have to say sorry and make things better, even if it's not my fault. I always end up saying sorry to him and try to make him feel better or give him his space.

He usually blows me off. He doesn't care if I'm crying, nor does he want to fix the problem. He just wants to run away from it. He doesn't care how I feel, and he hardly can communicate how he feels/thinks. He refuses to listen, though I listen to him and do as he says. I always think in the end of our fights, if I'm submissive rather than talking back at him and make him angrier, he'll feel better. However, he ends up pushing me away and won't want to talk to me for hours. I understand he needs space and I give it to him, but while he is in his space feeling better, he expects me to feel better too.

I never do. I just continue blaming myself and lowering my self-esteem ridiculously because I feel so bad. I also frequently go out of my way to make him feel better: make him a card, draw a cute picture, get him food, etc. He rarely does the same for me, but he has been getting better because I have had certain talks with him before.

After he wants to see me when he's all "better," he never asks me how I'm doing. He rarely doesn't initiate any physical contact of comfort. It's usually me who tries to hug and kiss him to tell him we are okay.

I guess what I'm asking from whoever reads this that I dont know how to deal with my emotions after we fights and if what I'm doing during and after we fight is the best way to approach it. I don't like having to point out who is wrong and I do like to resolve things. I've tried so hard to talk to him about this many times, but he's so hard headed.

Sometimes I don't know how to act after he has his alone time. Should I show him that I'm upset and keep talking? (Because he hates when I continue on the topic) Or should I push my feelings/emotions under the carpet and act like I'm okay until I'm actually okay? I'm not really sure....

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think what you really have to deal with sweet is that in-security of "needing".

Some people actually start fights in order to be held, and therefore, I think the communication should be a discussion of things that are missing in the relationship on both sides and of things that make you both upset when done, in a general discussion.

You may be a firey one and when the words flow out nastily, they are hurtful.. He may be a quiet one that sits back and seethes until he can't take it anymore then explodes himself, (defends himself) and then wants to walk away and cool down and forget it .. Alot of men are like that, they want to forget it...

Men have emotions too you know... Each bad word, put down remains in their thoughts they don't forget.

This is what has to stop or the 2 years may not reach 3...

Do you know why you are starting it? You make that conatation.

Men need hugs too, they need to be told that they are loved, or look good, just as much as women... Do you go over and pinch his butt and say "nice butt" and walk of laughing, do you give him a hug for no reason... Does he you...

Sometimes we have to re-assess our relationships and sometimes we find there is not enough attention in it, and so, therefore we look for it, in your case via a fight perhaps.

[jns]

It sounds like a power struggle. You cut into him trying to get him to react to you. Finally, when you have cut him enough, he responds, but not by opening himself up to be more vulnerable to your slings and arrows. So you resort to crying to again manipulate him to open up to you. Do you honestly think it would be good for him to open up his soft underbelly to your attack? Would you do it for him?

[lilay86]

Thank you for your answers. It's nice to have a view outside the box.

He never really communicates his feelings or thoughts to me... rarely. I preferably like open communication.

We have agreed once that it would be nice to have a calm conversation to talk things over, but when I think the time is right he often refuses.

I don't cry to manipulate him; I cry because that's how bad I feel. I feel like a horrible person a lot because I strive so hard to be a good person. If you knew me better, you'd understand. I mainly cry because I sometimes think I hate myself more than I love myself. That will come in time, and acceptance of myself will too.

I just always think I start the fights when I know sometimes I don't, but I thought it was better that way because I already feel that I make him feel like the bad guy, which is wrong. I always end up thinking it's better for me to take the blame for everything....

Of course, I know that he has feelings too. I wish he would tell me more than what I can observe and feel from the vibes from him. I can't read his mind...

He shows that he cares in different ways than me.

I am usually the one who runs to him to let him know I'm there. I am the one who hugs and kisses him, but he's always so stiff and cold.

Overall, I believe that I am more affectionate than him in what you describe, Chandler's wish. I make him lunch, I do his laundry, I visit him, I've travelled long distances to see him (and I've wondered why he wouldn't do the same for me...), I hug him a lot, and I kiss him a lot. I like to treat him with massages and lotion, etc. When I feel like it, which is often, in my free time I like to draw pictures of us, for him, or make him cute things. And he's lack of sexual interest in me has dropped...

I talked to him about that sex part, but it seemed like a very touchy subject.

And I don't know if this is a big deal, but he doesn't say, "I love you" as much or initiate it first. If it's not, then I won't worry about it....

He doesn't often hug and kiss me spontaneously.

I guess I am insecure in that I don't know if the feelings are truly mutual for each other.

Sometimes I think I'm overanalyzing everything.

Also, from what I see from the responses, I guess it's better to put my feelings aside? When I talk to my boyfriend, he doesn't seem to way to try nor is there a real compromise. What he has told me in the past is that I have to change.... change I guess how I act and how I react and do things.

Thank you.

[LittleM]

I can tell you about my experiences with this kind of stuff:

I am the kind of person that reallyyyy does not like to initiate any sort of confrontation, and I usually keep my feelings to myself. This is mostly because I realize that on the inside I tend to overreact to things and I like to give myself plenty of time to think things over and work them out in my head to make sure its something I really really need to bring up before I do. I also tend to get really emotional during a confrontation and end up not making the best argument for myself because I get so nervous and just want it to end so I don't bring up all my points.

That being said, my ex used to bring up everything that was ever on his mind. And not over text messages where I can muster up the courage to defend myself better, it was always in person and very on the spot and I would get all red-faced and not really know what to say. Anyway, he always blamed me for everything. I always walked away from every argument feeling like the most horrible person even though I knew none of it was my fault and it was always him being too sensitive. For example, he would blame me for "flirting" with his friends, even though I was just trying to get to know them and be friends with them too so it wouldnt be awkward whenever we're both around them. I'm just a nice and friendly person but I never in anyway came off like I was flirting with them. His actual reason for accusing me of flirting with his friends was the fact that some of his friends told them that they had all liked me at some point. And when I would tell him that I wasnt doing that he would say that since he was my first boyfriend I just must not know how to act and that I need to stop talking to his friends.

Later in our relationship, after we had been dating for almost 2 years, one of our mutual friends told me that he had been asking other girls to send him pictures of them in hot outfits for awhile, but they didnt tell me sooner because they didnt want to be the one to tell me. Naturally I was furious and immediately called him. He instantly denied it and blamed the whole thing on me, saying that if I would just trust him that we wouldnt be having the conversation and everything would be fine. I felt horrible for not trusting him, he always had a way of making me the bad guy and making me apologize for everything that was never my fault.

Anyway, as for putting your feelings aside I think it depends. I think that before an argument you should make sure it is something that you need to bring up, and after every argument you should really think about everything that was said and decide if it's something that you should just forget and move on from, or not. If it is something that is seriously still bothering you I think you should have another discussion about whatever it is until the whole thing is resolved.

As for my current boyfriend, we have been dating for almost 9 months now and we have never argued about anything. But we do have a rule that we will never go to bed upset, so that if that moment ever does come we know exactly how we are going to deal with it; talk it out until we are both satisfied. I think it's a really good idea and it's also great to know exactly what's going to happen if we ever fight so we both know what to expect. And with that rule we will never have the problem of someone walking away and wanting left alone and not talking it out and making the other anxious.