[lizzardb63]

One thing I do chuckle about is sometimes how women's minds work. We drop hints and think we're making something obvious (at least it would be obvious for a woman, lol)...and they are completely clueless. For example, on Friday my guy and I were leaving to head by his parents and he ate leftovers from the fridge while I got ready and so I decided to just make a sandwich before we walked out the door. I said "Do we have anything to drink in the car" and he goes "I don't need anything"... I thought "okay then, nevermind"... and when we got in the car I ate my sandwich and mentioned how dry my mouth was and he said "why didn't you grab a soda" and I said "well I was hinting for you to get one for me" and he said "WELL I CAN'T READ MINDS!"... we both chuckled about it, but yes, we've established that if I want something to just SAY SO, cuz 99.99% of the time, he's not gonna know what's going on. lol

[CHANDLERS WISH]

BD..

If you told him you would be doing "other stuff" did you say you will be cleaning all afternoon?

I know men don't think sometimes, but honestly If I was in a new relationship and my boyfriend turned up a couple of hours earlier, I'd take that as he wanted to be with me, and I'd be stoked..

If he knows about the dog situation, he should have left his dog at home. But, if he doesn't feel that it's a problem persay as you have a dog, he may not have thought about that.

It's tricky.

But, I don't get, that you got so mad. Other than the fact that you like your own space, your own ways and therefore, he has to "fit" in.. That's called being too independent, as when in a relationship you both have to mesh together somehow you loose alot of that freedom you had when you were single.

[Ashlee T.]

Because CW... it wasn't because he was sooooooo excited to see me. It was because he was bored. Just as he said. "I got ready then I was bored."
There were no hints. I had even said the words to him "this is the first day in 2 weeks I've had a chance to clean and do things I want to get done". The intent to get my cleaning done prior to super bowl time was made very clear. That is when he said "Okay, game starts at 5 so I'll be over a little before that". We've dated long enough for me to know that if EITHER of us says "a little before" it means 15 minutes or so, not nearly 2 hours. He did it because he was bored. There was no malicious intent... he was simply just "bored".

but honestly If I was in a new relationship and my boyfriend turned up a couple of hours earlier, I'd take that as he wanted to be with me, and I'd be stoked..

That's just not me. Because a couple hours BEFORE time, I'm not even ready, probably haven't brushed my teeth or even showered yet, and that is usually not a barrier that has been broken in a new relationship. It's one thing if it's a surprise situation, like they've planned something and want to surprise you. Or if they text you ahead of time and say "I know it's early, but I'm already ready, care if I come on over?" but showing up early with no warning because you're "bored"? No. I find it disrespectful and rude.

And I realize totally that you all don't know him. But this isn't just me. He sets up boundaries of his own, and I respect those. He didn't want to take me to meet his family at Christmas. It was "too soon". Therefore, I've yet to meet a single friend or family member. I am the longest relationship he has EVER had (4 months.....) yet he in the beginning bragged to me about how many girls have keys to his apartment and how he gave a key to a girl he'd been dating 3 weeks once. HOWEVER, I'm going to his apt to let his dog out tomorrow after I get off work because he'll be gone hunting, and I'm to use the key he hides out. He's made no attempt to give me a key. I haven't questioned it. I don't push it. When he says he has things to do and cant do anything with me until a certain time, I don't question it, and I respect his time. As I said, he has his own boundaries. I may not always understand them, but he has them. And I have mine. Part of mine is that I'm a slow mover. I don't start dating a guy and instantly start staying together and being together 24/7. I know that works for some people... it just doesn't for me. So to some, I get it that it would be totally fine if their guy they'd been dating 4 months showed up anytime day or night, whenever he wanted, stayed when he wanted, went home when he wanted......but to me, we're not there yet. And I think the things that are important to me should be respected, just as he expects the things that are important to him to be respected. In this case, the way he acted wasn't a deal breaker....as I said, I didn't end the relationship over it or anything. I was just frustrated by it.

[Ashlee T.]

Liz - I've been doing a lot of thinking about your post about your funny story. Things like this get the wheels turning. I hear alot of guys say things like "We don't read minds!" and it's sort of this cliche male/female dynamic. I find it interesting, because I too have found myself saying "Don't HINT to me, I don't take hints well and I don't read minds!!" But in most instances, what the other person is desiring (including myself) is not for a partner to read their mind. What they are desiring is for their partner to THINK of them and consider them.

In the case of lizzards poor dry mouth (hardy har), I don't believe you expected him to read your mind. Here's my take on it: If you're sitting on the couch with your partner watching a movie, an example of expecting him to read your mind would be: "Geez I'm kinda thirsty, I wish he'd get up and get me something.........", and example of HOPING he will be considerate and think of you would be if he gets up from the couch to get himself something to drink and you think "I wish he'd offer me something...". Now in this instance, there's of course nothing wrong with you saying "hey grab me something while you're up", but I think the desire there is for him to consider you, not only himself.

In my case, I didn't expect him to read my mind. I communicated my intentions for the day (in writing...PROOF! haha) and what I expected, was not for him to read my mind, but for him to consider me when determining his own actions (i.e. getting in the vehicle to come over early despite what I had communicated). And then when he didn't, and got there, I expected him to be considerate of the fact I was trying to clean and didn't need the pups under my feet. Again, he wasn't....which resulted in serious frustration for me.

So I think alot of times when a woman (or man) says "I shouldn't HAVE to tell you that!", they aren't expecting the other person to read their mind, but care enough for them to be considerate of them and not have to be told detail for detail what is expected, what is right, what is wrong. It just seems so often in life in general, consideration for those around us is lacking and we've confused it with the expectation of "reading minds". So it's easier to sit back and say "I don't read minds!" (and truly in some cases I realize people don't communicate and DO have some false expectation of mind reading), than it is to make the effort to be consistently considerate.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Therefore, I've yet to meet a single friend or family member. I am the longest relationship he has EVER had (4 months.....) yet he in the beginning bragged to me about how many girls have keys to his apartment and how he gave a key to a girl he'd been dating 3 weeks once. HOWEVER, I'm going to his apt to let his dog out tomorrow after I get off work because he'll be gone hunting, and I'm to use the key he hides out.

Doesn't that therefore make you a little bit more special than the others? I'd take that as, they had keys because of sex, purely there for comfort. Anything more than that, takes time and then he introduces his "girlfriend" however, I'd be wondering around the 6 month mark, as to not meeting "friends" and I'm also hoping that your not going slow and continue to do that for a few more months, to protect your heart As, it may just stay on this journey.

Men don't think. He wouldn't have cared that you were cleaning. But, I understand, if you like things to look good, be ready, look in the mirror and see it as courtship, that it would have felt wrong..

[Ashlee T.]

I'd be wondering around the 6 month mark, as to not meeting "friends"

There are no friends to meet. He refers to friends back home, but much like my last bf they are people he rarely if EVER talks to or sees. They are people he was friends with in high school. And they are definitely not people we'll have the opportunity to socialize with. It's a very similar situation as my last relationship. The biggest difference is my current bf has lived in this town a little over 2 years and has established no friends or socialization (outside of me...). My last boyfriend lived in this town for over 10 years and had established no friends or socialization outside of me and seemed very socially awkward. My boyfriend now doesn't seem quite as socially awkward. But I am definitely more sensitive to this subject with my current bf due to what I experienced in my last relationship where even after a year I had never met a friend and was never invited to do anything. So I never got the opportunity to meet new people through him, or see how he interacted with anyone but me.

So far in this relationship, anything social we've done as a couple has been planned by me. Not because he's lazy or doesn't want to plan, but because he has not really made any effort to establish any friendships. He pre-judges people that he hasn't even gotten to know ( i.e. "I can just tell he's a d-bag", or "There is no one my age and guys in their 40's who are married won't want to go to bars and concerts" ....even though he hasn't been to a concert himself in years and RARELY goes to a bar. ) and decides FOR them whether or not they'll have anything in common with him. I have moved around, and I know it's not always a piece of cake to establish friends.......but it's not terribly difficult either especially in a University town. And he seems to have no trouble meeting women. So I told myself in the beginning "he's fairly new here...give him some time...", and 4 months later he still does nothing with anyone but me and routinely complains of being bored (which is what happened on Sunday. ) If I set my sights on saving my concern until the 6 month mark, I'm setting myself up for failure, because I know that if he isn't socializing at this point, chances are, he won't be in 2 months either. I just have to resolve myself to that and choose to accept it, or not. It's TOTALLY fine to be a loner if you keep yourself busy and are content with being alone...but it's not near as okay when you're a "loner" who stays bored and wants to do things with people but depend on your partner to entertain you and give you a social life. GET OUT AND DO SOMETHING ALREADY!!!!! haha.

[lizzardb63]

You make some great points BD! And you basically hit the nail on the head. It's not "You should be able to read my mind and know this", but more "You should WANT to do things for me and work at thinking of me"...but sometimes if you want something that bad, you have to spell it out. In your case, you already did, but guys are naive sometimes (as are women too)...

[Ashlee T.]

In your case, you already did, but guys are naive sometimes (as are women too)...

Oh yes...this definitely happens with women too. I think alot of it goes back to how we were raised. Were we the center of the world and had our every whim catered to? Or did we have to share the limelight, and were taught to do for ourselves and think of others? If you were raised in situation 1, chances are, thinking of others and putting yourself in their shoes isn't going to come natural because you're used to everything thinking of YOU.

My bf can be so sweet sometimes. (I said sometimes...lol!) When we first started dating and were having a couch night, he left to go to the gas station for something or other, and came back with a small container of cookies and cream ice cream. He grabbed himself a spoon, sat down beside me on the couch and proceeded to eat away at his ice cream. I was thinking "hmm...gee thanks for sharing". As he continued to eat it, I said "No thanks, I don't really care for cookies and cream but thanks for offering..." (as he CLEARLY had not offered me any and had no intentions of it...lol). He said "I got it for us to share!!" and I said "Oh I'm sure, that's why you brought only one spoon with you and never offered me so much as even a sniff huh?". Lol. So he later brought it up again and asked what kind of ice cream I like. A few months later (last week actually) he left to go return some movies and came back with a small container of ice cream. Brought two spoons with him and offered me some...and when I looked, it was Rocky Road. My favorite!! haha. He catches on.