[new_wife]

I've been married for just over 1 year. I know my husband for the past 4 years and we get on very well. After getting married our sex life changed a bit, I was always happy with what he had, and he wanted more. Every few weeks he'd want to try something new, some were good some were..... no so good. Looking back now, it was more obvious, he had a thing for anal sex and anything to do with my bum. Not wanting to be prudish and try new things I went along with most. Eventually he wanted me to penetrate him with this harness and dildo attached. I got not much out of it, he loved it, we dome that a few more times and I told him it done nothing for me.

Now he say he want to try something very different and only if I give permission. He want to try sex with either another man with me present or not, whatever I'd be most happy with. He wants to feel what real sex feels like and try oral too. I was shocked and against it, I told him I'd think about it as I couldn't answer.

My worry is that if I say no then he'll be unhappy and hold it against me. Or if I say yes then he might turn gay and I'm left on my own. He says not to worry as they'd get someone professional that has been check for all diseases.

Do I say no? or be involved only to spoil it in someone if I can think how? or just let him get on with it? Help!

[rosekitten]

You have no obligation to let him have sex with anyone outside of your marriage. Period. If you are not okay with it, you have a right to say no. If he then proceeds to hold it against you in some way, he is not a man worth staying with. I am poly, I figured that out shortly after I figured out I was bi. My husband is monogamous and straight. He does enjoy anal play, and I enjoy giving it to him, that doesn't mean that you have to enjoy doing it to your husband. I have asked my husband for permission to have others join us, and he has always declined (with one exception, but that's a much longer and dramatic story). I respect that. Does it make me sad? Yeah, it did when he was gone for a year. At the end of the day, though, I married *him* and only him, knowing that he wanted a monogamous relationship, and I respect that. Your husband should have enough respect for you to respect your choice on the matter as well.

[Ashlee T.]

If you are in an exclusive monogamous relationship, then sex with ANYONE else whether male or female is cheating. It seems that your husband doesn't know you very well.... or he'd know that sex outside of your marriage isn't something you're comfortable with. You have every right to say no. Some people embark upon open marriages...and for some people they work out okay, but I'd safely say that for most they turn out disastrous. I think unless you go into the marriage with the knowledge and agreement that it will be open, it's not likely to work.

It sounds like no matter what you do your husband is going to want more. You have tried to be accommodating to his desires, more so than many women would have... and now he wants more. If you say "sure, go sleep with a man", what is going to be next? It sounds like he's extremely bi curious. But he needs to understand that if he truly wants to act on sleeping with ANYONE else, whether male OR female, he needs to do so as a single man.

[Hopeless Dork]

You mention worrying he'll "turn gay" if he does this, he could be gay, or have an interest in men even if he doesn't do this. Just like someone straight is expected to be committed to one person when they marry the same should be expected for men or women with curiousities OR blatent interest in a similiar sex.

The argument of , I want to experience this type of sex, or sex with this type of person... doesn't fly in a committed relationship. If a straight man marries a petite blonde.. should he tell his wife... 'you know i never got to experience a voluptuous brunette"? Um... no. When you commit to one person you forgo getting to experience in real life whatever other fantasy you may have. Unless you are in an open relationship its a rediculous request.

Do not feel pressured into consenting to something that would break your heart. If he chooses to go behind your back or resents you for not "allowing" him to cheat, thats a whole seperate issue you'll have to decide if you want to work out or not when you cross that bridge. But you should never agree to put yourself through a hurt that you did not sign up for.