[lilay86]

Growing up I have been known to be quiet by nature and passive. Since I was a kid, I've been used, taken advantage of, or "just there" in various of ways when it comes to people and friendships. I am not ugly or anything, nor have I been 100% outcast. Also, since my early years in college, I have tried to break out of my shell and I have had some success socially and personally.

I'm writing on here because I'm frustrated that I'm often misunderstood. I'm concerned that my quiet nature rubs people the wrong way. One of my older coworkers have told me, people easily misunderstand me. I believe that is the best word to use, because I don't always understand peoples' reactions/responses toward me. I know it is something I shouldn't care about, however; at time I find it frustrating and it has even interfered with my job in the past. I don't want it to interfere with making new friendships when I start graduate school/new jobs.

When I joke sometimes, people actually think I'm being serious and get upset. When I say something even with the slightest tone, many people will get easily offended. Even with the way I write things in a text message. However, growing up, I have always had people who haven't been nice to me, who have "bullied" me in small & hurtful ways, who tell me things with an attitude and a tone, who get angry with me for no logical or real reason, etc. I don't give them **** about it, even if it's a decently close friend and it's okay for them to do it to me.

On the other hand, if I do it to them, whether or not I'm annoyed, or I am joking, or just plain talking, the person gets all riled up.

I've had people in my previous job not like me because they don't think I talk and I think when I do, I sound annoyed? This older coworker (who is in the mid 40s or 50s) went to the boss about me because they misunderstood me! I thought I was being considerate and nice.

It feels worse for me when it comes to my friends. I especially feel bad like I hurt their feelings when I didn't try to at all.

I guess what advice I am asking here is what am I doing wrong and I know being quiet/reserved has it's pros and cons, but I think I'm getting hurt by it more than I would like. I don't mean to drive people away. I can be accepted as me once a person knows me, but that's not always possible. Should this be something I shouldn't care about? I'm trying to understand myself better.

[Hugo-B]

I'm off to work in shortly, so I'll have to return to this...

Quickly, you sound like my GF's sister, she's a funny little thing and I found her very difficult at first. Remember, getting on with co workers is difficult at the best of times, I have ADHD and found it very hard to get on with the people I worked with (I'm self employed now so it's not a problem). You'll always encounter the type of people who can't think about anyone except themselves, complain when anyone does the slightest little thing to bother them yet thinks it's completely all right for them to do, say, and behave as exactly as they please, whenever they please.

That being said, we can probably ALL do things to improve ourselves and our interpersonal skills.

The 'experts' say (and these exact percentages vary slightly) interpersonal communication is 15% words, 35% vocal tone, and 50% body language. Any sort of fear or anxiety is expressed in our vocal tone and body language much more than we realize, women particularly are more preceptive than men. If you feel shy and nervous, then (through no fault of your own and with no malice) this will be manifest in most of your dealings with people.

I have to go now but one thing worth doing (which I've done) it's great fun and will benefit enormously is going to an improvisation workshop.

To be continued...

[avvie_88]

You sound EXACTLY like me.

My best advice, honestly, is call yourself out on the carpet in front of people. Generally, I warn my new co-workers of how I am.
I tell them I'm really awkward (anxiety does that to you) and I know it, so it's cool to pick on me. I tell them I can take a joke...and in fact, I get along ZILLIONS of times better with people who joke with me and pick on me. I tell them to not take offence to anything I say because the only time I'm really ever serious is when I'm asked to be serious (and usually I throw in a joke then proceed with, "ok, but really..."
Usually once that's put out there, they'll kid with me, and after a bit, they catch onto my sense of humor and how I am.
(A supervisor of mine told me he didn't know how to take me. I told him I feel more comfortable and get along much better when people pick on me. From that day on, he's ragged on me left and right, and I'm closer to him, even now that I've left that job, than anyone else who worked there.)

Also, and I notice this helps with older people, is watch your facial expressions. I've always gotten along better with people 40s+ but I think a lot of it has to do with my facial responses to what they said and when I speak. It adds a sense of understanding and illustrates better where you're coming from as well.

I definitely feel you on this though. High school was really annoying for me because EVERYONE thought they couldn't joke with me. It really made me feel isolated. Even my "friends" didn't always get me. I'd make a joke to someone, and they'd look at me nearly scared because they had no idea if I was kidding or not -_- Now I know when my joke fails to hit the target, I call myself out in front of them.

[lilay86]

Dear buddhaboy,

I'd be nervous to do improvisational workshops... how beneficial are there and where would I find one? I live in NYC....

Yeah, I agree. I think I meet too many people who only look out for themselves. It's is inevitable I suppose.

I also agree with what you said about being shy and nervous and having it manifest in my interactions with other people. In many social situations it always takes me a little while to get more comfortable. It's always rough for me in the beginning. I often think what I say to people is meaningless or stupid, so I tend to stay quiet until I overcome my fears or anxiety in social situations. Give or take, it may take me a 1/2 an hour or more to feel okay.

I appreciate your response. Thank you ^_^

[lilay86]

Hey Avvie_88,

I did that once, "all yourself out on the carpet in front of people." I warned people that I may be shy and quiet at first, but it takes me a while to get more comfortable and talkative. And it actually worked, but I don't know how often I should warn people how I am.

I'm usually okay with older people, but some of the older people who I worked with, were as immature as high schoolers. But I'll keep that in mind ^_^

Depending on the person, if I say I am joking, they will be either okay haha, or act like it wasn't a joke at all and take it seriously. People are weird and frustrating, especially when it's people you call friends.

I've had a harder time in social situations since I graduated college.

I appreciate your response and keep your advice in mind!