My wife and I have been together for 30 years. We have no children and are somewhat dependent on each other for companionship, her more so than me as I do have some outside interest beyond our home, and although she is more than welcome to join me and she knows it, she chooses not to participate in them. She has no interests beyond our home.
In the past 5 years she’s not only been going through menopause but we’ve lost many family members, which has increased her isolation. She claims she prefers to be a loner and doesn’t need many friends or family. Personally I think it’s a way for her to stay in the shadows of life and her own little world rather than embrace and enjoy life, struggles, joys, warts and all.
Lately she has become more negative and irritable in general. Everything is wrong, needs fixed, I/we need to do this, have to do that, she’ll lay out weeks of projects we need to get done in the next few days, I can’t keep up with her thinking, much less her schedule, nor do I want to. Things get repaired and upkeep gets done when time allows, but no amount of work would satisfy her, she’d just add something else to the list. If I bring this up she’ll go 180 degrees the opposite way, get huffy and say; “I’ll just keep my mouth shut from now on” All I really want is to keep our expectations at a realistic level. I can’t go through life perpetually behind.
It’s exhausting just to keep up with her project lists, much less get all the stuff done. We both have our own list of regular chores that have to be done as well, add in our real hobbies, fun stuff and lazy days and we only have a limited amount of time for “extra” projects and chores. She’ll also complain we never go anywhere, but when we do she'll stress that “we’re getting behind” and the cycle starts anew.
All this leads into the another serious issue, lack of intimacy. With the never ending project schedule she’s “too tired” or “not in the mood” or “too busy” to be intimate, and when we are I feel like I have a time slot to perform in which sometimes lead to anxiety to perform on cue.
She’ll also obsess with watching particular TV shows on certain nights, taping isn’t an option since we tried that and end up with volumes of shows to watch, which she would bring up “every night” that we need to watch a show. We do not watch much TV so it’s not that big a deal to me to miss one, but she gets mad if I lose interest in a show and stop watching it with her after a few episodes. I’d rather be intimate, read a magazine or even get a project done if possible rather than watch a TV show, but I usually sit and watch it with her.
I really don’t know what to do, we’re more like roommates and I’m the handyman-cook while she’s the housekeeper. Although I couldn’t imagine living life without her we are not a happily married couple at the moment, we’re more like friends and her negative attitude toward everything is taking its toll on our friendship and relationship, she’s starting to notice it and is somewhat aware but snaps at me whenever I try to discuss any solution to it that interferes with the status quo.
She's never really been one to initiate intimacy and I've accepted that, but to get turned away so much has taken its toll on my esteem.
Since we have no children I’ve thought about a more open marriage but I don’t think that would go over well, and the consequences could be disastrous, I do not want to lose her but I’d like some real female companionship over a task master, and not just the physical part, but emotional companionship as well. I have no idea how an open marriage works and I don’t know of anyone in one to ask for advice.
She can’t take hormonal treatments for various health reasons but won’t go see her doctor for options so I try to let a lot of things slide that she says. The simplest thing I’ve asked her to do is just think before she says stuff, if it doesn’t matter or we can’t do anything about it, don’t add it to a “project to do” list, and try to find the positive in life, not everything has to be cynical and negative, she hasn't had a postive additude in a long, long time. She has also started drinking way-way to much wine. It's become her beverage of choice now. Probably 3-5 bottles a week easily.
It just gets overwhelming listening to her, we’ll be sitting on the back porch enjoying a quiet evening, then she’ll notice the tile needs cleaned, the door needs caulked, what if we did this, add that, a new table, fix the lamp, I need to exercise but it hurts my knees, the pollen is bad tonight and my head is stuffy, there’s something eating the cat’s food, my car needs washed, the fridge is making funny noises, it goes on and on, and that really is her thought process, it’s all random gibberish and it never ends.
I really think her being isolated is hurting her social and interacting skills. She calls it “making conversation” I call it exhausting to listen to it being rapid fired at you like that. How about we just enjoy the evening with no discussion of housework or projects just once, maybe even be intimate on the sofa on the porch, not come up with a bunch more projects that we can never get done that makes us perpetually behind and causes us both even more anxiety.
I can't get her to see that we're heading for disaster after 30 years together. Downsizing our life might help but she won't hear of it since we've worked so hard to get everything we have, we should enjoy it. But we're not enjoying it, it's running and ruining our life.
We're both young enough and fit enough to have fulfilling lives for many years to come, I'd prefer spending those with her, but not like this.
In the past 5 years she’s not only been going through menopause but we’ve lost many family members, which has increased her isolation. She claims she prefers to be a loner and doesn’t need many friends or family. Personally I think it’s a way for her to stay in the shadows of life and her own little world rather than embrace and enjoy life, struggles, joys, warts and all.
Lately she has become more negative and irritable in general. Everything is wrong, needs fixed, I/we need to do this, have to do that, she’ll lay out weeks of projects we need to get done in the next few days, I can’t keep up with her thinking, much less her schedule, nor do I want to. Things get repaired and upkeep gets done when time allows, but no amount of work would satisfy her, she’d just add something else to the list. If I bring this up she’ll go 180 degrees the opposite way, get huffy and say; “I’ll just keep my mouth shut from now on” All I really want is to keep our expectations at a realistic level. I can’t go through life perpetually behind.
It’s exhausting just to keep up with her project lists, much less get all the stuff done. We both have our own list of regular chores that have to be done as well, add in our real hobbies, fun stuff and lazy days and we only have a limited amount of time for “extra” projects and chores. She’ll also complain we never go anywhere, but when we do she'll stress that “we’re getting behind” and the cycle starts anew.
All this leads into the another serious issue, lack of intimacy. With the never ending project schedule she’s “too tired” or “not in the mood” or “too busy” to be intimate, and when we are I feel like I have a time slot to perform in which sometimes lead to anxiety to perform on cue.
She’ll also obsess with watching particular TV shows on certain nights, taping isn’t an option since we tried that and end up with volumes of shows to watch, which she would bring up “every night” that we need to watch a show. We do not watch much TV so it’s not that big a deal to me to miss one, but she gets mad if I lose interest in a show and stop watching it with her after a few episodes. I’d rather be intimate, read a magazine or even get a project done if possible rather than watch a TV show, but I usually sit and watch it with her.
I really don’t know what to do, we’re more like roommates and I’m the handyman-cook while she’s the housekeeper. Although I couldn’t imagine living life without her we are not a happily married couple at the moment, we’re more like friends and her negative attitude toward everything is taking its toll on our friendship and relationship, she’s starting to notice it and is somewhat aware but snaps at me whenever I try to discuss any solution to it that interferes with the status quo.
She's never really been one to initiate intimacy and I've accepted that, but to get turned away so much has taken its toll on my esteem.
Since we have no children I’ve thought about a more open marriage but I don’t think that would go over well, and the consequences could be disastrous, I do not want to lose her but I’d like some real female companionship over a task master, and not just the physical part, but emotional companionship as well. I have no idea how an open marriage works and I don’t know of anyone in one to ask for advice.
She can’t take hormonal treatments for various health reasons but won’t go see her doctor for options so I try to let a lot of things slide that she says. The simplest thing I’ve asked her to do is just think before she says stuff, if it doesn’t matter or we can’t do anything about it, don’t add it to a “project to do” list, and try to find the positive in life, not everything has to be cynical and negative, she hasn't had a postive additude in a long, long time. She has also started drinking way-way to much wine. It's become her beverage of choice now. Probably 3-5 bottles a week easily.
It just gets overwhelming listening to her, we’ll be sitting on the back porch enjoying a quiet evening, then she’ll notice the tile needs cleaned, the door needs caulked, what if we did this, add that, a new table, fix the lamp, I need to exercise but it hurts my knees, the pollen is bad tonight and my head is stuffy, there’s something eating the cat’s food, my car needs washed, the fridge is making funny noises, it goes on and on, and that really is her thought process, it’s all random gibberish and it never ends.
I really think her being isolated is hurting her social and interacting skills. She calls it “making conversation” I call it exhausting to listen to it being rapid fired at you like that. How about we just enjoy the evening with no discussion of housework or projects just once, maybe even be intimate on the sofa on the porch, not come up with a bunch more projects that we can never get done that makes us perpetually behind and causes us both even more anxiety.
I can't get her to see that we're heading for disaster after 30 years together. Downsizing our life might help but she won't hear of it since we've worked so hard to get everything we have, we should enjoy it. But we're not enjoying it, it's running and ruining our life.
We're both young enough and fit enough to have fulfilling lives for many years to come, I'd prefer spending those with her, but not like this.
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