My fiancee, the father of my one year old, may be gay. It may sound that unusual or unheard of, but the situation that I am in is a very particular and detail-oriented one. Both he and I met in art school, and instantly we had a connection. We spent almost all our time together, and within a month of meeting each other (and only one semester in to my college career) I was pregnant. He was older, with three semesters left until he would be finished. But we were so drawn to each other and got along so well, we decided what the ******** we're going to give it a shot. For me, the prospect of being 19 and pregnant with someone I barely even knew was (and continues to be) terrifying. Not knowing what my future held was the scariest part. But when the heartbeat of my son filled the doctor's office I knew in my heart that I loved this baby more than anything I had ever loved before.
So we moved in together, dropping from school so that he could work full time at his father's business. We were comfortable, or as comfortable as we could be given the circumstances. We found a cute apartment, got a nursery all ready for the baby, and gave the whole domestic routine a go. Immediately things became complicated, which is probably to be expected. He began watching a lot of porn, he would even watch it in front of me. He always asked if it was okay or if I minded, and I would say yes because... I wanted to be confident enough to be okay with my boyfriend watching porn right across from me, his pregnant girlfriend. When we first met, our sex was frequent and exciting, and it continued for a little while. But soon he'd never be in the mood. He touched me only about once or twice a month, and during the time we did have sex he would blurt out scenarios he'd been fantasizing about, asking me if I'd be okay with a threesome, if I would mind if he'd have sex with a man in front of me, and on and on. My belly kept getting bigger, and apart from our increasingly strange sex life, we got along well in other respects, and we did have fun together.
Soon the only porn he was watching was gay porn, or "shemale" porn. I would literally be in our bedroom by myself while he sat in the living room masturbating before bed. I was confused, wondering why I'm not enough, feeling ugly and huge, and my self esteem took a major major toll at this part of my life. Of course I would ask him why he enjoyed this and yet didn't consider himself gay. He always replied "I don't know" or "it's only a fantasy" but it got so extreme that I found that hard to believe.
It escalated to the point that he was looking on craigslist (in front of me, or in the same room) for local males in the area looking for hookups. He asked me if I would mind if he slept with another person, a man, because it was something he always wanted to do. I'd never been asked a question like this before, but ultimately I decided that if it would help him figure out who he really was, then that would be the best move for him. But I told him that meanwhile, I was not going to wait around while he would be "discovering himself." In other words, I told him maybe it would be best to have some time apart. But he insisted, vehemently, that he did not want this to happen. He said he loved me, and I do believe that he does. He works every day to provide for myself and for our baby, pays bills on time, and although we both dropped out of art school we both tried to have fun with one another and do projects together.
After our son was born, an event occurred which still causes major distrust in our relationship. While my son and I were visiting my family an hour away, his newly "out of the closet" friend had visited him and they got drunk together. Apparently, he had told my fiancee he had always wanted to know what it would be like to kiss him. Who knows what happened after that? My fiancee says he told him he wasn't interested and gave him a ride home. The fact is that the only way I figured out about this incident was that he blurted it out a month later - while we were having sex. Yes, once again, another stab to the heart during my most intimate moment. He insisted that nothing happened, after he saw that I was upset, but really who would ever know? I told him I was not okay with this, especially since he'd already been keeping it from me for a month. Who knew what else he was failing to mention? And how could I be sure he wasn't failing to mention that they also had sex afterward?
I told him I didn't want him to remain in contact with his friend, but to this day he stays in contact with him either through texts or calling one another. I feel like he really doesn't care about my self esteem, or the fact that he's taking advantage of the fact that I am trying my hardest to make things work so our son will have two parents.
To this day he continues to watch gay porn, as well as the fact that he frequents those "chat roullette" sites. He's admitted to me that he finds it arousing to display himself masturbating on the internet to strangers, as well as watching them in realtime.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I "snoop" - although believe me it's not something I do often. I find it disheartening and like a stab to the heart every time I do, and so I usually stop caring.
We fight often, and he comes from a heavily catholic family so it could be he feels intense denial and fear about being honest about his sexuality. I try my hardest to understand and be okay with this unique set of circumstances, but the truth is that I consider myself to be depressed. Although we have our fun times together, I can't ignore the past or pretend it didn't happen, and continues to happen. He is currently going to therapy, mostly because of my pushing. I am also speaking to a therpist.
I love my son with all my heart, and his love is so innocent and pure and unconditional. But I'm afraid that he'll get older and see that everything is not nearly as it seems, and I don't want him to ask why I cry every night.
I guess what I'm asking is what your opinions are? The thought of being a single mother terrifies me, but I want to do the best for my son and for myself, and believe it or not I honestly want the best for my fiancee as well, whatever that may be.
So we moved in together, dropping from school so that he could work full time at his father's business. We were comfortable, or as comfortable as we could be given the circumstances. We found a cute apartment, got a nursery all ready for the baby, and gave the whole domestic routine a go. Immediately things became complicated, which is probably to be expected. He began watching a lot of porn, he would even watch it in front of me. He always asked if it was okay or if I minded, and I would say yes because... I wanted to be confident enough to be okay with my boyfriend watching porn right across from me, his pregnant girlfriend. When we first met, our sex was frequent and exciting, and it continued for a little while. But soon he'd never be in the mood. He touched me only about once or twice a month, and during the time we did have sex he would blurt out scenarios he'd been fantasizing about, asking me if I'd be okay with a threesome, if I would mind if he'd have sex with a man in front of me, and on and on. My belly kept getting bigger, and apart from our increasingly strange sex life, we got along well in other respects, and we did have fun together.
Soon the only porn he was watching was gay porn, or "shemale" porn. I would literally be in our bedroom by myself while he sat in the living room masturbating before bed. I was confused, wondering why I'm not enough, feeling ugly and huge, and my self esteem took a major major toll at this part of my life. Of course I would ask him why he enjoyed this and yet didn't consider himself gay. He always replied "I don't know" or "it's only a fantasy" but it got so extreme that I found that hard to believe.
It escalated to the point that he was looking on craigslist (in front of me, or in the same room) for local males in the area looking for hookups. He asked me if I would mind if he slept with another person, a man, because it was something he always wanted to do. I'd never been asked a question like this before, but ultimately I decided that if it would help him figure out who he really was, then that would be the best move for him. But I told him that meanwhile, I was not going to wait around while he would be "discovering himself." In other words, I told him maybe it would be best to have some time apart. But he insisted, vehemently, that he did not want this to happen. He said he loved me, and I do believe that he does. He works every day to provide for myself and for our baby, pays bills on time, and although we both dropped out of art school we both tried to have fun with one another and do projects together.
After our son was born, an event occurred which still causes major distrust in our relationship. While my son and I were visiting my family an hour away, his newly "out of the closet" friend had visited him and they got drunk together. Apparently, he had told my fiancee he had always wanted to know what it would be like to kiss him. Who knows what happened after that? My fiancee says he told him he wasn't interested and gave him a ride home. The fact is that the only way I figured out about this incident was that he blurted it out a month later - while we were having sex. Yes, once again, another stab to the heart during my most intimate moment. He insisted that nothing happened, after he saw that I was upset, but really who would ever know? I told him I was not okay with this, especially since he'd already been keeping it from me for a month. Who knew what else he was failing to mention? And how could I be sure he wasn't failing to mention that they also had sex afterward?
I told him I didn't want him to remain in contact with his friend, but to this day he stays in contact with him either through texts or calling one another. I feel like he really doesn't care about my self esteem, or the fact that he's taking advantage of the fact that I am trying my hardest to make things work so our son will have two parents.
To this day he continues to watch gay porn, as well as the fact that he frequents those "chat roullette" sites. He's admitted to me that he finds it arousing to display himself masturbating on the internet to strangers, as well as watching them in realtime.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I "snoop" - although believe me it's not something I do often. I find it disheartening and like a stab to the heart every time I do, and so I usually stop caring.
We fight often, and he comes from a heavily catholic family so it could be he feels intense denial and fear about being honest about his sexuality. I try my hardest to understand and be okay with this unique set of circumstances, but the truth is that I consider myself to be depressed. Although we have our fun times together, I can't ignore the past or pretend it didn't happen, and continues to happen. He is currently going to therapy, mostly because of my pushing. I am also speaking to a therpist.
I love my son with all my heart, and his love is so innocent and pure and unconditional. But I'm afraid that he'll get older and see that everything is not nearly as it seems, and I don't want him to ask why I cry every night.
I guess what I'm asking is what your opinions are? The thought of being a single mother terrifies me, but I want to do the best for my son and for myself, and believe it or not I honestly want the best for my fiancee as well, whatever that may be.
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