[lisa 94]

hello im new, i just need some advise.
i started going out with this guy a year ago im 18 and he is 21. at the start he always wanted to spend time with me well should i say all his time, i told him that we couldnt spend all our time together that it would end bad but he still insited that we did. so as time went on i ended up getting really close to him and spending all our time together and we got on so well and did everything together. before i was with him he smoked alot of weed with his friends but he had given it up when we got together, but then in january he started smoking it again but not all the time only sometimes, i did not really like this but it was his choice. but anyway to make a long story short in july i found out i was pregnant, when i told him he seemed really happy and always talked about us moving out togeyher, but then as time went on he started hanging around with the friend that always smoked weed and he started doing it everyday and not wanting to spend any time with me. when i asked why he was doing this he said that im pregnant so he cant smoke around me and i understand that i just dont see why he does it all the time now. 2 days ago i broke up with him because he needs to stop smoking weed but he called yesterday and told me that he loves me and wants to be with me but he not giving up weed and that he will only meet up with me some nights a week so he can smoke weed with his friends the other nights. he just seems so different since i became pregnant. oh and i also asked did he even want the baby and he said even if i didnt there is nothing i can do, then he said that i should get an abortion if it is going to change our lives so much.
any advise please.
sorry it was so long.

[KMonte85]

hi lisa, and welcome to the forum.

From what you're written here, it sounds like your boyfriend is having a bit of a meltdown. He doesn't seem to want the responsibility of being a father, and so he's running to his silly friends, smoking weed, and basically doing whatever he can to push you away and not deal with it. Be prepared for a lot of this if you choose to have the baby and raise it. The writing is on the wall that you will be on your own, as a man who is excited to be a dad is not going to tell his pregnant girlfriend that he's only going to be around on certain non-weed-smoking days, and she should get an abortion.

At this point, you need to stop focusing on him. He certainly isn't going to be of much help to you as you work through this and make the best choice you can. You need to focus. Do you have a support system? Parents, family, friends, clergy? A pregnancy is no light matter, and this needs some serious planning. You need to talk to someone about all your options and what YOU want, since your boyfriend can't (or, rather doesn't want to) be there for you.

[Hugo-B]

What KMonte says^^^

From a man's POV this guy is a tool, I bet 'Cheech and Chong' is his favorite film...

Lisa, you need to do some SERIOUS thinking, life changing decisions need to be made in the forthcoming weeks young lady, you probably know this already, and I'm sorry to remind you this is the situation.

At the risk of repetition this guy, in his present state at least (and that's me being kind) doesn't sound prepared - emotionally, financially, or psychologically - to be a father. I wasn't at his age either. If you choose to have the baby I would start planning to do it alone - or at least with MINIMAL support (financial and time spent caring for the child) from Cheech. If you don't have a strong family network to help you then raising the baby will be something you will most probably have to do alone 90% of the time. Think about that for me Lisa, I fell asleep in the cart on the way home from a theme park after 8 hours with my ex girlfriends 3 and 6 year old.

If I were you I'd tell this guy's parents you're pregnant and tell them what he said; the most accurate thing he said was about it changing your lives so much, although it would have been MORE accurate if he had said 'changed YOUR life so much', since the burden has, and will land almost entirely, if not entirely upon your shoulders.

In the simplest of terms, and I don't mean to be a prick here - but sugar coating is going to help NO ONE right now - is, if you don't have a very supportive family, and neither does he, you need to ask yourself: can I bring a child up single handedly whilst living on benefit/welfare? That's what it boils down to.

xxx

[jns]

lisa, you found out in July that you are pregnant. How far along are you? Do you want to have your child? Having a baby is going to change your life a lot, but it may not be for the worse, depending on who you have around you for support amongst family and friends. It definitely doesn't seem like he is going to change at this time, but he might down the road as he becomes used to the idea of becoming a father. Just don't count on it. Who knows at this time? If you have left out people close to you, when are you going to tell them? As bb said, will you be able to get financial assistance? Where will you live?

[episkopos]

My dear lisa, I wish I was near you to spank this bf of yours for you. He is not serious with you at all, oblivious to the change in your life now with the pregnancy and the way forward. You both are young and have a great life ahead of you. Get help and counseling asap, you will need a lot of support especially as you get along. Start planning what to do with yourself after the baby comes and all.

[lisa 94]

hello everyone.
Thank you all so much for your replies. I have loads of support from my friends and family and my parents are letting me live at home with the baby. I really want to have this baby i know how much it will change my life but i have alot of people who will help me along the way. oh by the way i am nearly 11 weeks.

I have talked to my boyfriend and i told him that i basically dont care anymore that i just want to be there for my baby and give it the best possible life i can, he then told me that he was so sorry for the way he was acting and that he would stop smoking weed and that he would not be running off to his friends anymore as he lost his job over them before and he is back working now and he does not want to lose his job again. He seems like he is starting to change a bit but only time will tell and if he does start acting like this again i am just goin to leave him because i cant take much more.

thank you again

[jns]

Thank you lisa, for letting us know what is going on. Best wishes and good luck. Drop in from time to time to let us know how everything is going.