[dontgiveahoot]

I've known my best friend for four years, She's a single mother of one. Her 5 year old son calls me auntie. We've been through a lot together. I thought we could over come anything until recently....

I'm a newlywed, I got married a month ago. 3 weeks before my wedding day I'm a nervous wreck trying to get everything together before family start arriving. The 3rd weekend before my wedding day I had put together a candy/favor making day with my bridesmaids. My BF had texted me she might not make it unless she brings her child. Whom by the way is very hyper active and tends to get into everything. I texted her back that I wanted it to be a kid free event since there was much to do and I didn't want to be overwhelmed by her child or any child getting into everything since that's usually what children do at that age. I told her if she couldn't find a babysitter then she didn't have to worry about attending because my other 3 bridesmaids (who also have children but didn't bring them.) will be attending and helping out. I told her that it wouldn't have been fair to the others if she were the only one allowed to bring her child, that I would rather have her attend my bachelorette party instead. However, she insisted in asking why she couldn't bring him. I finally told her, quote "your child can be a lil annoying at times".

That's when she blow a gasket. Saying that I can't stand her child being around me and that I don't like him. When all I said was that he can be a annoying. I have apologized to her in many occasions. she seemed to be fine. She attended my candy/favor making party anyway still reminding me how hard it is to be a single mother and how babysitters can be expansive. etc... When I think to my self I didn't make her come she insisted, how is that my fault?

Moving on...
Last weekend I met her for dinner to celebrate her 30th birthday. That night I came to find out that she was still very hurt that I called her child annoying, Turns out she never forgave me and never will until "I have a child of my own so I'll know what is like" to be a single mother and have someone (her) call MY child annoying. she also confessed that she was thinking about not being in the wedding because at the end she just didn't want to be in it!


First of all, I don't think I will ever know what its like to be a single mother because I have my husband and family who support me greatly. And I AM A MOTHER! I have a 10 year old step daughter through marriage who I had help raise since she was 3. My husband and I have been together for 7 yrs and have full custody.

Second of all, I call my stepdaughter annoying all the time and my nephews as well. This doesn't mean I cant stand being around them or not love them any more! It means they are irritating me and that they need to keep their behavior in check. MY BF's son calls me auntie I've known him since he was 1. I've babysat for her, I've wiped his lil *** when he's went potty, tucked him into bed etc... so why cant I treat him like family and call him annoying if I think he is? There are times where I would hear HER comment on how terrible her son can be and how she wants to give him away at times etc... so its okay her to say these horrible things about her son because its HER son but if I say he's a lil annoying I'm the she-devil, the awful best friend?

It gets better....
She's getting married next year. On her birthday dinner she proceeded to tell me that she was and probably is thinking about not having me in her wedding because of all this and that worse case scenario she already has a replacement for me. (what a slap on the face!!!) You see I was the one who introudced her to her fiance so

Now if your BEST FRIEND said these things to you how would you feel?

I knew there was some tension between her and I and that she was a bit bothered by all of this but still, Not ONCE did the thought of kicking her out of my wedding party crossed my mind.

[dontgiveahoot]

There's bits and pieces missing from my blog, I wrote a lot more then this and re-wrote a few things, What gives??? And I come to now find out there is no Edit....Really? What a waste. I will stop using this site..

[Little]

Seems like your friend was in an embarrassing place - she wanted to be stepping up to the plate, wanted to be there for you and fulfill her duties as one of your bridesmaids, and felt really awful about not being able to fulfill your request to make it a child-free event. And you weren't being very nice when you made it about her "annoying" kid in particular. Did she ask for the information? Yeah. Were you stressed and probably not able to take everybody's smallest emotion into account? Absolutely. But bottom line, you just weren't kind to her in this moment. You said something very hurtful, and though you say you've apologized, it doesn't sound like you said something you didn't mean ... it sound like you're just sorry you said what you feel because you hurt your friend.

Yes, it is absolutely appropriate for her to call her kid a little devil and any other name in the book because she's his mother, apparently his only parent. You aren't his parent, aren't his blood, would not be considered for custody of him in the event that your friend died. She's shouldering the responsibility of child rearing alone. Every action her child takes is due to her raising of him. She's got nobody to pass the blame on to. So when you call him annoying, what she's hearing is "you suck at parenting. You made an annoying kid." If your stepdaughter annoys you, you can pass off her behavior on your husband or his ex or anybody else, subconsciously or otherwise ... she's only got herself to beat up when something goes wrong.

All that said, it does seem like she's drawing out the drama. It's been two months. If she wants to remove you from her life or downgrade your best friend status, she should do it. And if she doesn't want to remove you, she should move past it. Kudos to her for being frank with you about the wedding party - if she can't trust you, if she doesn't feel like you'll be a supportive friend to have around, you shouldn't be part of it, regardless of who introduced who.

Does she always hold on to hurts like this? Does she always insist on keeping the people who have hurt her in her life? Since you don't think you will ever fulfill her forgiveness obligation, how important is it to you to keep her in your life? Sad as it is, friends aren't always life-long. You are now in a very different place than she is, a much better place. ... maybe you've outgrown each other?

[dontgiveahoot]

You are correct I am sorry for saying how I feel because at the end I did mean it and for her to take such offence to is just beyond me. She's NOT alone when Parenting. She has her ex to help her with him, Family if she actually lets them and her now fiance. (Who by the way is a good friend of my husband and I. He has two kids from his last marriage and my BF loves telling me how much she cant stand them which is very sad since she will be their stepmother once they wed.) So I guess its nice to criticize other peoples children but wrong when its about hers...Sorry it doesn't work that way. How can I be friends with someone who doesn't want me to express my self honestly? Every time I'm around her I always have to watch what I say or how I say it because I'm afraid to make her cry. I shouldn't feel like I'm walking on broken glass every time I'm around her. She's always been this way. Before this happened I felt like I had to sugar coat everything for her.

I agree with you, I'm not her child's parent or related to him by blood. Which means she shouldn't have him call me auntie. If I cant treat him like family then I shouldn't be referred to him as Auntie. Period. Its funny how She loves when auntie babysits, takes him to parks, movies, buys him gifts, attend his b-days but one time auntie says he's annoying then all **** brakes loose.

I already explained myself to her many times that I don't mind him at all. That he's a great kid and she's doing a great job with him. If it were any other day I would have loved for her to bring him along however, it was not a good time for me. It was my wedding and she should have understood that. If I had a child who was "annoying" and had no babysitter then I would have excused my self from the event not wanting to add anymore stress to my friend. I would have understood and moved on. Not drag this on and lead her to believe I got over it when I did not.

I've had been there for her more then She's been there for me. (I've been there through her breakups, her family drama, her child!) I've never asked much from her because of her situation. So the ONE time I make such a small request she goes ape **** on me. Sorry but when your in a friendship you have to give a little not just receive.

I've told her If she needs my help she's more then welcome to ask me even when it comes to her child but like you said she doesn't trust me so she wont do it and if that's the case then How am I suppose to show her how sorry I am if she doesn't let me? How are we suppose fix our friendship when she doesn't meet me half way?

What angers me the most is that she didn't tell me she didn't want to be in my wedding until after "just to spare my feelings". I would have been better off knowing she didn't want to be there then have her pretend throughout the day she was happy for me and happy to be there when deep down she wasn't. I know a person who would have loved to be in my wedding. I could have asked them instead and spared her from being uncomfortable.

I don't think I want to be in her wedding. Not after her rant. She can use her replacement. She shouldn't feel obligated to have me there just because I introduced her to her fiance. The fact that she took it to these proportions tells me a lot about her. I don't need people like this in my life. I don't think its very mature of her to keep these types of grudges. If she doesn't know how to forgive and move on then I cant do anything for her but go our separate ways and wish her a happy life.

[Little]

So, there you go ... solved. You don't want to be her friend anymore, and she can't forgive you. So cut the drama - both hers and yours - and just cut her out.

Also, it is against our rules to go around the profanity filter. If it's a prohibited word, you can either find a different way to say what you want or allow the word to be completely starred out.

[Element]

She's petty. Her actions thus far are not that of a friend. So your decisions is, do you want this human being in your life? Around your children?

[jns]

Somethings are hard to take back. You cannot unring that bell. Making negative comments about another person's child or children will most likely not be received very well, even by someone who counts you as a friend. You could have handled this somewhat differently during the planning stages by stating that you were planning a kid free event and that you expected that she may not be able to attend. No explanations, just it was going to be kid free. Then you have thrown the ball in her court about what to do. If she challenges you on your policy, explain that you don't have enough money for the expense of entertainment for the children, the bouncing room, the magician, the face painting and finger painting, etc. Few people will pony up the money for that entertainment or suggest that they be the only one to bring a kid. Few would suggest to cheapen some other part of the celebration to free up money for that expense.