[cinqmars]

my husbnad went out west to work he has been gone for 3 yrs he does come home for a week every month we split up last year for 6 months in that time i found out he was seeing someone i asked him he said yes we got back together and he said it was over with her he came home in the spring and i found out that he was still seeing her i called her number that was on his cell bill she told me that he told her we were split up i told her different i did find out that the 3 yrs he has been out there he has been living with her for 2.5 of those years i freaked he said its over with her i just recently went out there to be with him and work things out i found out that he was still texting her even when i was there i freaked andn told him if he wanted her i was willing to walk away he said no he loves me not her things were good for a month then he went out drinking i followed him he went to her work when he came home i freaked he left in th moring i went to her place and found him there i freaked on her i left and went back to ontario now he still texts me and says he didnt go back to her that there is no attraction anymore not sure what to believe anymore he says he is coming home for good he does have a drinking problem and i know she buys it for him and doesnt care if he drinks we have 2 children please help me on what to do i love him but dont trust him .

[Pollon]

Cinqmars,

It is fair to say that your husband is not only a cheater but a liar. That is no foundation for any relationship. At this point, you have to consider the relationship to be over. That said, you have children to consider and will have to have some level of relationship with him. If you think he is serious about saving the marriage, which seems doubtful, he needs to show it. I would suggest the following.

1) He moves to your town, but not with you.
2) He continues to support your family financially and visit with the kids.
3) He does not date.
4) He gets sober.
5) He cuts all contact with other non-family females.

He proves (in whatever ways you request) that he has been faithful and gotten sober.

This all goes for at least six months. You can date during that time if you wish, but no sex.

If he can do this to your satisfaction, you could then go to couples counseling (he pays) for six months to determine if you can recover from his infidelity and build a relationship.

Good luck

[jns]

Pollon has good suggestions, but most cannot do those things without guidance and without getting to the root causes of his infidelity and lying. I would suggest counseling from the beginning, both by himself and as couples. Otherwise it would be like asking an alcoholic to just quit: it doesn't happen except by rare occasion without a support and accountability system.

[DreamP346]

If you want to stay in this relationship, you will have to accept the fact that it will be a type of polygymous relationship where he is maintaining 2 households. Therefore his time, love and money will be divided. This is not a one time thing. This is his behavior. He will not change. Do you really think he will just walk away from a 3 year relationship with this person?

If you can live with that, then you need to sort out the details of what that entails. There are lots of details and rules to figure out - everything from money, holiday times, sex/protection, etc.

If that is not a lifestyle you can live by, then accept the relationship is over and walk away. Its not going to change. And even if he did, you will never be able to fully trust him and will constantly be doubting him and yourself and only making yourself miserable.

[michavalos]

I still believe that a person can still change for the better, but cheated twice is not an easy thing. That way you will be in doubt if you will still accept him and continue the relationship.First thing first, you should think of your children, their future is the most important thing.