[adviceanyone]

i recentlly rekindled with my ex after 6 months of being apart.. at first it was just fun, easy sex but now i have began to want to be with him again.

when we are together its like it was when we were in a relationship ( we kiss , we cuddle , we spend hours , even days with eachother, we call eachother babe , send eachother many text messages a day ,we even tell the other that we love them)

he says that he does want to be with me again but he does not know if he can forgive me for things i have done in the last 6 months ( such as having a 3 month relationship with another man and sleeping with two other people). he says that i have changed and im not the same person i was 6 months ago and that he wants to see if i can go back to the girl i was, before he can commit to me again.

the thing is , i have changed. im not the same person i was 6 months ago. When i was with my ex , i did not have a social life and all i had was him. He always said he hated that he was all i had but now that i have created a new life without him , he wants me to go back to when he was my everything ( its confusing !!)

I am now more confident in myself and in my sexuality. i have alot of friends and most of the time i am out socialzing. yes i have been on dates with men and i am still talking to guys when i go out but why should i close doors when my ex is saying that he is not sure if he wants me...

the thing is though if he truly loves me the way he says he does , shouldnt he be able to forgive the last 6 months and what to be with me or is he just seeing me for the ease of sex ?

advice would be very much appreciated , thanks

[Little]

You didn't do anything WRONG in the last 6 months for him to forgive. If you were so perfect for him 6 months ago, why did you break up? Did he break up with you, or you with him?

I don't know about him "using" you - so long as you both enjoy the interactions you're having together. But it DOES sound like he's trying to control you in an unhealthy way.

[adviceanyone]

i broke up with him because i wanted to move things to the next level ( as in move in with eachother ) and he did not want the same. i had given him 3 years of my life and i was extremely fustrated with the fact that it wasnt really going anywhere so i broke up with him and met someone else very quickly. however that relationship was very shortlived as i was still inlove with my ex and could never really give myself fully to the new guy.


control is what my ex had over me for 3 years , i guess maybe he is not use to NOT having that power over me.

[Euphoric]

I think you are correct when you say that he is not use to not having power/control over you. I agree with Little - You did nothing wrong. You were not with him, therefore, what you did is your business. It sounds like he wasn't willing to commit 6 months ago, which is why you broke up, and now he is holding what you did during your time apart against you (in an attempt to regain control again). Either he loves you and accepts you for who your are, past and all, or you may want to consider moving on. Being in a relationship does not mean that you should lose your identity, nor does it mean that you shouldn't have friends.

You state that you are more confident with yourself and with your sexuality. Don't allow anyone to rob you of that.

[DreamP346]

He wants you to be the person you were 6 months ago. That person didn't want to be in a relationship with him!!!

He wants his cake and eat it too. He can't have that.

Forgive you!!! No, what he needs to do is get over his own insecurities.

While you guys were broken up, did he sleep with any other people? I am guessing no. So now he feels insecure that you can so easily find other men and he can't find other partners. You are his security blanket, his fall-back plan. He didn't want to commit. Maybe because he thought he could do better. Instead he is find that not only can he not do better, but you can do better and easily replace him. Suddenly he wants the control over you back. He wants to isolate you and make you depend on him so you can't go out there and realize that you can do so much better.

Do you really want to be with somebody who wants to prevent your growth? Who wants to keep you isolated and dependent on him? Who can't commit? Who blames you for doing nothing wrong?

[Dr. Shiroi]

You didn't do anything WRONG in the last 6 months for him to forgive. If you were so perfect for him 6 months ago, why did you break up? Did he break up with you, or you with him?

I don't know about him "using" you - so long as you both enjoy the interactions you're having together. But it DOES sound like he's trying to control you in an unhealthy way.

I do not like that he wants this control over you. It is not natural. I would say that you need to let him go. He should not have to forgive you if you were not in a relationship with him at the time then nothing is wrong with that.

[Pollon]

".......before he can commit to me AGAIN."


You spent three years with him and he didn't want to take the next step to making a commitment by moving in with you****, so you broke up. In other words, he wasn't really committed then. Now he's having fun with you again and still doesn't intend to move toward commitment. However, this time, he can deflect the pressure to commit by using your past actions as an excuse.

In spite of clearly knowing your goal (a committed relationship) is different from his own, he continues to reap benefits at your expense. I would call that the definition of "using" someone. If he really cared for you and had no plan to commit, he would tell you directly and let you decide what to do. If you are clear on the point that he doesn't plan to commit but continue anyway, well then you are not being used. But be careful not to delude yourself into thinking he is moving toward commitment if he isn't.

The bottom line is that he never made any commitment to you in the past and he's avoiding it again now. Does he have a history of not committing to anything? Finishing his education? Following through on his career? etc.?

How many more years do you want to keep chasing him?

Good luck

(****On a side note: Moving in together isn't really a move toward commitment for most men, but that's another issue)

[CHANDLERS WISH]

ex's are ex's for a reason, only we either feel that the time we spent with them we became comfortable and miss that comfortability or we don't feel embrassed with ourselves enough to venture it alone.

The fact is you changed, you are more social, sexuality is more alert and open, you are more confident. But, you didn't change You finally had freedom to become who you want to be......and in that, the only people that should now be in your life are those that accept you exactly for you who are and compliment your life not restrain it, not put it down and not judge you.

We are free spirits to be who ever we want to be on this earth as long as we are not hurting anyone.

Men have egos. His is crushed you slept with other men.. He is the one that needs to realise what he lost and why and who she really is and embrase it without question. But, he hasn't and he won't.

I'd be proud if I was you that you are starting to find out exactly who you are and didn't end up with 7 years behind you of hiding behind a door.

[Guest]

You've been given a lot of good insight and thoughtful opinion by many others in this forum.

Allow me to contribute my two cents worth...

If your dog gets out and you chase it and it sees you, then it thinks it's a game and keeps running.
If you make eye contact with it, stop, and then turn your back and walk towards home, it will realize that the game is over and return home.

We men are like dogs, for as long as you're willing to play the "game", so are we. So you need to stop (having casual fun sex, etc.), turn your back (by letting him know exactly where you stand) and walk towards home (by not putting up with a second more of his game playing..."I want you to go back to who you were..." Whaaa!!). If the two of you were meant to be together he will realize the errors of his ways...trying to control you, wanting you to change, repeat history, giving you conditions on which he is willing to take the "next step", etc.

History is a solid indicator of future performance. Take a minute and review his history...

Sometimes, all of us are so close to the fire that we don't realize we are getting burned.

IMO - I don't care if you slept with a different man every night. You weren't together, it's none of his business and it's history. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery aand that's why today is called the present. Try and live your life to the fullest everyday.

As for living together...the message in his mind is "why pay for the cow when I get the milk for free?"