[Kronefurst]

Today my husband told me that while my daughter and I are on a trip next week to visit my newly minted twin nephews, it would be a great time for him to move out.

He's been depressed for awhile and I've been trying to encourage him to get help but this blind sided me.

He tells me that he's desperately unhappy and that he feels our marriage has been over for a long time. We tried counseling a few years ago and I thought it had made a difference.

I'm just so sad and scared. Selfishly I feel he's trying to ruin my trip next week. My brother and his wife have gone through years of infertility and I wanted to welcome their new twins feeling happy. I don't want to tell them about this because I don't want it to detract from their joy.

How do you get through this?

[BabyGirl]

If he truly is unhappy with the marriage, at least he gave you warning..
You didn't go home after your Vacation and just find him gone.

Since it's next week , go see a Lawyer,both of you,write up a Separation Agreement, stating who gets what, Financial Responsibility Etc.. So that when you get back, the whole house is not cleaned out.

A Separation is a Separation, not a Divorce.

It's actually a Reverse Engagement, where you take time to decide if Divorce is best for you . Just as an Engagement is time to make sure a Marriage is Best for you.

[jns]

Today my husband told me that while my daughter and I are on a trip next week to visit my newly minted twin nephews, it would be a great time for him to move out.

He's been depressed for awhile and I've been trying to encourage him to get help but this blind sided me.

He tells me that he's desperately unhappy and that he feels our marriage has been over for a long time. We tried counseling a few years ago and I thought it had made a difference.

I'm just so sad and scared. Selfishly I feel he's trying to ruin my trip next week. My brother and his wife have gone through years of infertility and I wanted to welcome their new twins feeling happy. I don't want to tell them about this because I don't want it to detract from their joy.

How do you get through this?

Sure it's sabotage. Misery loves company. If he had any guts he would do it while you are looking over his shoulder.

[caster]

Today my husband told me that while my daughter and I are on a trip next week to visit my newly minted twin nephews, it would be a great time for him to move out.

Selfishly I feel he's trying to ruin my trip next week. ?

That's a stretch. IMO it shows lack of empathy on your part for what he's been telling you for quite awhile.
You don't give enough information but I'll venture a guess that you've been in denial about the marriage being in trouble.

"You tried Therapy and thought it made a difference" what changed? what improved?

I'm not sticking up for the guy, but with little background info, and for you to think he's trying to ruin your trip by moving out tells me "it's been all about you" in this marriage, at least for the past few years, based on what little you do say about him.

[Pollon]

Not to pile on, but to be surprised by his decision after being married for 25 years does suggest that you haven't been paying attention to your relationship. It can be tempting to settle into a routine and assume your spouse is OK with it--particularly if he isn't being vocal with his dissatisfaction--but that's a recipe for divorce.

While it's possible that he chose his timing to hurt you, the fact that your first response is to accuse him of intentionally ruining your plans says a lot about how you view his needs.

How to "get through this" depends on what you want. That you didn't ask "how do I rescue my marriage?" raises the question of whether or not you want to.

[Kronefurst]

Let's see. I was surprised because last week he had been telling me that he felt better and more content than he'd felt in years . . . that he'd stopped blaming himself for some business decisions he'd made that hadn't worked out. He has tortured himself for years about things he cannot change so I was hopeful that he'd come to some kind of peace.

He has a history of creating an emotional disturbance when I travel anywhere. This time I'm going to California because my brother and SIL had twins three weeks ago. He was invited and chose not to come. He will frequently wake me up in the middle of the night and yell at me before I have to go somewhere.

We have, during the course of our marriage, seen two therapists together and he saw one therapist himself after a very severe bout of depression and I worried that he was suicidal. Each time he stopped seeing the family therapists because they suggested that he might have to accept that his view of women and his view of marriage was narrower than life. He chose both of the therapists we saw. One was a woman, the other was a man. He claims that they are all pro-women. I thought that the last therapist we saw had made a difference and given us something to work on together. I was happier and he seemed happier. However on other levels he's changed significantly since we first married. Since 9/11 he has become increasingly paranoid about the role of our government in it. He also has started to believe that incidents such as Sandy Hook and the shooting at the movie theater in Colorado were orchestrated by the government as a way to restrict our second amendment rights. I have a hard time supporting this point of view and worry that is surrounding himself only with media stories that support it. He has recently broken with one of his best friends because of this.

I'm sure that I could also have done things differently/better in this relationship. What I wrote was in the heat of the moment. I reached out to this community because I was sad and scared and didn't want to panic my family and friends while I was dealing with this announcement. I will think about what you've all written but will also delete my account as mostly I was looking for some constructive advice and some sympathy.

I'm not sure what I want right now. He is the father of our children. We have had some very good years together. I still love him but I can no longer be responsible for his mental health. From my perspective, he appears to try and make the people around him miserable when he feels sad. Maybe I'm wrong, but it weighs heavily on me.

[Trisha23]

Marriage do have a phase like that where you have stick to a routine and thought that everything's alright. Maybe he just needed some time off for himself to think and have peace of mind. Try to give him some space while you are away, but still assure him that you will be waiting for him and you are still there for him.