[Kantola]

My BF and I have been together for almost three years now. He is 36 and I am 20. I thought that he was the love of my life, but things are starting to change a bit...
In the beginning, everything was ****s and giggles and butterflies. He was unemployed, and moved into the town where I was to start college. (That was two years ago) He got a job about 7 months ago working at the University I attend, and I feel like our relationship just keeps getting more and more tense. We both used to be happy-go-lucky, but now he's the only happy one and I feel emotionally drained. I feel like I have no more emotions to express.
He has told me (several times) that he's tired of my **** and that my bad traits are outweighing my good ones. One of the main reasons we got together was because we both played video games, and he knew that I would understand his immense gaming library and not judge him for his purchases. (When I say immense gaming library, imagine a whole GameStop store...) He says I don't listen to him, I don't help him when he needs it, I do nothing all day (and because I ask him to make me a list of house chores to be done he considers that a bad thing), and when he gets mad at me he calls me stupid, retarded, etc.. I stopped telling him more than a week ago that I loved him, because I noticed that he would say it back, but never first. It just felt weird that I was always the one saying it, and it felt forced when he replied back. Today he told me that the reason he didn't say "IT" first was because actions mean more than words.
I wrote him a letter telling him my feelings about how I'm feeling neglected, like he doesn't love me, etc. (because I already have problems enough explaining my feelings words, I find it easier to collect my thoughts on a piece of paper), and he mocked them. He tells me that I have no right to complain about him because I'm worse than he is. "You don't help me at all, so you have no right to complain. I should be complaining more."
He keeps me fed (but I don't want to eat half the time, cuz I feel depressed), and he keeps a roof over my head (RENT FREE). On Tuesday he told me to start looking for an apartment for myself for the fall, and to figure out exactly how much money that I owe him. (He uses his credit card and doesn't want me to pay for anything because he gets rewards/giftcards from his credit card) Wednesday he told me that he just wanted me to realize "how good I am to you," and that's why he wanted me to see those things. He also said "I don't think you're smart enough to figure that out. I don't think it clicks in your head." I understand how much he does for me, but this emotional numbness I'm feeling makes me not care.
I've been crying for a few days now, because I feel like I've lost him, and we've tried to talk about it. I don't know if he just doesn't care or if I'm not conveying my feelings the right way. I feel like all I want to do is lay in bed all day and not get up. He tells me that's "my problem" and that I should just get over it. I told him yesterday that I felt useless and like I wasn't needed, and his response was "That's your problem and you have to deal with that." He proceeded to tell me about how he felt that once, for about two days after he broke up with his first girlfriend. "I got the hell over it, and realized it was a bad feeling." My problem is that I've been feeling this for more than two days.
I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. My emotions and feelings are all ****ed up (pardon my french) and I feel like I wont make the right decision. I have feelings for him, but I feel like he no longer has them for me. He hasn't flat out said that he doesn't love me or want me anymore, but he has told me that if I want to leave to just pack my things and go.
I just helped him move into a house, all of my stuff included. He bought it all with his money. I've helped him move furniture, buy furniture, clean, etc. and everything I've done doesn't feel important. Everything is always small and miniscule compared to what he has done. We only moved into the house about a month ago and are far from unpacked, so leaving wouldn't be too hard (in regards to moving all my things out). Emotionally I don't know if I'm ready, but I also don't know if I can take it anymore. I don't want to eat. I don't want to drink. I just don't care.

Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, (funny, intelligent, happy, etc.) but I just don't feel like we're right for each other anymore. I told him several times that he was mentally and emotionally abusive (because that's what one of my friends observed), and he kind of laughed it off and said, "All of my girlfriends have said something like that." So you'd think he would have changed his ways. Or at least acknowledge it past that statement.

I want your advice. What do you think I should do, judging by what I just told you?
Should I take this as an opportunity to force myself to grow up and learn from him, grow a spine? Or should I just go?
He is first boyfriend and basically all of my firsts, so I'm having that stereotypical feeling of "THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END OMG." So, my apologies for any dramatics.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think you got caught up in the fairy tale of someone who had what looked like a video store, something you loved doing as well, and all was "fun".

But, here is the thing. He moved you into his house, he wanted everything paid for on a credit card for his self gain, he knows you are way younger and always was and it takes time to develop a career, a path hold it on your own. Yet, he wants to put the blame on you, asking you to count up how much he's spent on you and pay it back, what's with that?

When you give, you give not to receive back. When you bring someone into your life and help them, you do it, to help them. When you live with someone you are together and what is his is yours, visa versa, there is no, "pay me back"..

He laughs and he's told you straight out, he's always been told he's emotionally abusive and he is.

As he's older it's more than likely he's been doing it for control, bringing you down, keeping you down, so you question but not enough to leave, because you think that you can't, same as why he controlled the finances and paid for everything, to have control, you can't leave as you can't stand on your own feet. Keeping you depressed and down will make you feel you can't leave and more than likely no one will have you I mean you can't do anything right can you.

This is manipulative control, with emotional abuse..

Do NOT ever let anyone bring you to that level. It's sharing and caring, not controlling and abuse.

The funny thing is, if you were to become "you" finally, you will actually probably really like her and her future, her goals and passions and wonder why the heck you stayed in such a toxic relationship for, for so long. And, you will find someone else who will never put you down, ever.

I know what you should do. I think you do to.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

bumping for further replies.

[caster]

Move out now, and unless you two had an agreement you do not owe him a dime.
When you do move out make sure you have a support system around you, this guy sounds unstable based on your accounts.
I'll go out on a limb and say with you being inside the relationship you do not see it that way, but you do seem to realize this is not a healthy relationship.

I'm sorry all your firsts have come to this, you will get over it and be stronger for it.

[Pollon]

There are reasons a 36 year-old goes after a 20 year-old and they are generally not reasons that work out well for the 20 year-old. Move out and take care of yourself, so you don't have to rely on unhealthy guys.

[jns]

Age differences can be worked on, but you being 17 or just turning 18 and him being around 33 at the beginning of the relationship is a red flag. Usually the reason for a guy to get a much younger gf just out of high school is for control. He gets a girl who hasn't had much experience and expects to mold her to his requirements. It is much different than if both were a decade older. Being 10 years older brings experience with life that should have a person knowing what they want.

Unfortunately, even though your relationship was not built on a solid foundation due to experience levels and his controlling behavior, your emotional attachment is genuine. This is because the brain chemistry of love knows nothing about the circumstances, just of the reactions to physical and emotional situations.

Breaking up can cause sadness over a long time. That sadness can be intense at times and lead to long term crying episodes. Getting back together can temporarily stop being sad, but it won't solve the underlying problems. In fact, it will just make them worse as the controlling person will know that he (or she in some other cases) has control. The way to get rid of the sadness in a normal way is to get involved with doing something. Also, it is good to go out with friends to restart a social life and to limit the amount of time you are alone with your thoughts.

[Obelisk]

Btw not all guys in their 30's are automatically controlling. I've been considering searching for someone in her early 20's primarily because she's likely to be not too experienced sexually.

I'm in my 30's and only slept with a couple of women. Women my age are likely to have slept with a considerable amount of men, especially if they were party girls in their 20's.

Age doesn't really make a difference if both people are mature. I've seen it both ways, women in their 20's happy with a man in his 40's, and even the reverse, women in their 40's happy with a guy in his 20's, although that one is not as common.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Mr O.....

Find a woman to love that will love you back. Don't be old fashioned. Some women are assertive they know what they want and go and get it, but also, it is our body you can't judge a girl just because she has slept with men, you boys do it all the time (well not you) And, you know it.

Just go for love ..................quit having a check box tick list.