[atskitty2]

Hello! So I found out while married that I have genital herpes. It is not a bothersome form. I've had only a couple outbreaks. It wasn't a big deal to me then, since i was married and never planned to be with anyone else. Now that I'm divorced, it's obviously an issue as I enter the dating scene.

I believe it's the right thing to do, to reveal this prior to becoming sexually involved with someone. I believe it is important to reveal it before the time comes, not wait until we are both invested and 5 minutes before sex!

I am 41, and I've realized that sex has to be delayed even longer for this reason.

So, in my dating endeavors I have revealed this to two men. The first one, I revealed after about 6 wks. The relationship was going well, I trusted him enough with the info not to be a jerk and hurt me with the knowledge.
I don't know for sure but I don't think this was a factor in our relationship fizzling out later.

The second man, I revealed this to after about 8 wks of dating and I know the info was a deal breaker for him, as it immediately cooled off and he friend zoned me.

So, I know that the right man will come along and this will hardly be an issue. I'm not heartbroken and sorry for the loss of those potential relationships, but I do think I'm revealing it too soon tho. What do you think?
My reasoning has been that I don't want to invest 6 months with someone who cannot accept this, and out of respect for their time as well. Am I wrong?

[Obelisk]

Hsv-1 and Hsv-2 are really common infections.

I think they have been stigmatized and blown out of proportion. I was shocked to learn I had hsv-1 in my mid 20's, and at the time I was a virgin, so definitely didn't get it from intercourse. I could have gotten it from kissing anyone, and it doesn't even have to be on the lips either.

If that's the only std you have, I don't think it's a big deal at all. Men who friendzone you for that are ignorant. I knew when I became sexually active that std's were a possibility. A man should be glad that you are being honest with him, and not like the other women he will sleep with that will say nothing, and he'll still get infected (condoms don't protect, since pubic area contact is enough to catch it)

[atskitty2]

This man (the second one) is a rather religious man (moreso than me) and I think that was the reason for his reaction. He appreciated my approach and honesty but further dating just didn't seem to be a possible scenario for him.
I have decided to wait a bit longer tho, rather than sharing the info this soon in the future...maybe at the time a real relationship discussion comes up would be a better time.

I explained to him that I was never promiscuous but he didn't seem to care how or when. I did feel it was a bit presumptuous of him to cut me off, but it was revealing to me of his true feelings for me.
Thanks for the feedback.

[Pollon]

I think you are right and respectful to not waste anyone's time dating if they do not wish to deal with your infection. Presumably the men you are dating are somewhat serious about a relationship as they are not expecting sex on the first couple of dates.

I think you just have to use your judgement. Certainly when the time comes and it appears they are considering being exclusive with you, they should have full information. Therefore, when you do decide to tell them about your infection, give them an "information" packet so they can be educated in making their decision to continue the relationship.

Good luck

[atskitty2]

That's a good idea Pollon, to give them some info. Thanks for your reply!