[Agitated]

I'm 29 yrs old, I have a 51 yr old boyfriend that I live with (not rent free)
He has 4 children from past relationships. I knew he had kids when I met him and that was not a problem. I don't mind kids at all, 3 out of 4 kids love me, I haven't met his oldest.

He has made some poor decisions in his life. He got into a relationship with a woman who already had a child, he saw that she taught her kid nothing. He even had to teach her kid to use the bathroom and talk, the kid was 4 yrs old.

Apparently he would have one of his kids on the weekend, and right away she didn't like his kid. She was jealous. Serious red flag there.

Skipping the long details, she treated his kid like crap and he stayed with her. He said that he didn't know, she would be mean to his kid when he wasn't around.

At any rate, he ended up having 2 kids with this woman, ?? He was a heavy drinker, but even I'm not that stupid. I mean not once but twice?? He saw that the woman had issues if she wouldn't teach her kid to use the bathroom. Not only that but he would say she would continue on and on about her ex bf.. I don't know anyone who would stay with someone that kept talking about their ex.. Is he mental?? Sometimes I wonder.

She put him through hell she takes him to court all the time, child serviced Is called out to the house like every couple months, false allegations of course.

He works a lot, then he has child support for 3 kids, he's always paying lawyer bills and he gets his kids every weekend. Not much money left

He complains about that, and yet he does needless things... Does he have a screw loose?

Like I said earlier i like his kids they are nice. But now we have no time together.... ???

He's always doing something, always moving. He sleeps sometimes when the kids are here and I watch them.. I don't mind, but I'm not always asked.. I didn't have these kids, and i don't have any of my own and there's a reason for that.

He complains about being tired and running all the time, but it's him who wanted the kids every weekend, that's not my fault that he has no time to rest he chose it.

It used to be us having a weekend together and he could relax. I told him I would help him with the kids, I try to converse with him so we are on the same page with the kids, but he gets all like frustrated. So the kids see that as an opportunity, and they know his triggers.

I told the kids to brush teeth one night, one did, (very poorly because he wasn't taught). The other one didn't. I told that one no candy tomorrow. He said ok. So i tell my boyfriend, their dad that his kid didn't brush his teeth and he gets no candy tomorrow. He gets all like angry and says he only has kids 2 days a week it's not that important.???

Right away i see money..dental bills cavities...

I'm like wow. He wants me to help and when I do he does the opposite? Totally lost. He also tells his kids "NO" to something and gives them what they want when they cry. These kids are not babies, they both attend school.

My sister has a kid she a couple yrs younger and she doesn't even act like that. Oh and her parents are split as well matter of fact she doesn't even see her dad. So that whole strain on the kids sounds like crap. I think sometimes they just act bratty and he gives in cause he feels guilty.

I told him to stop acting like a B.... and letting his kids get over.

I don't know... Do I not understand cause I don't have kids? I know he tries to take his frustration out on the wrong person.

And other times he tells me about his kids mom, alot, and how bad she was. I mean what does he want me to do? I was not present when those kids were made it has nothing to do with me, that's HIS mistake he made, the kids are not the mistake, their mother is.

He gets upset when I don't listen to him, I've already heard the story so many times, and he doesn't want my response to anything.. He needs a therapist, because I'm not getting paid to hear his crap, I can't give advice cause his head is to big and he doesn't listen.

Recently he wanted me to dye my hair, i could care less. Something he wanted to do with me.. Anyway.. I'm starting to get ready for the dye, he gives excuses.. Its a girl thing he says... Well truthfully i don't know any man who uses hairspray and a blow dryer.. That's a girls thing lol.

I thought we were going to spend some quality time together doing something either of us has ever done and make a memory. He totally crushed my emotions...

I have known him for a while and we have yet to go on a dressy dinner date. It's like what i want doesn't matter. But when he needs something or someone to talk to he comes to me?? Why??

There was actually a time he kept kids he wasn't supposed to, that was supposed to be my time with him... Yet he didn't ask me if it was ok he just did it anyway. I mean he doesn't have to ask me anything, but it wasn't a weekend and it was my time. Totally ****ed, i'm supposed to be his girlfriend, not his nanny, not his slave..

We can't go out anywhere because his kids cry and they want things when we are in a store etc..

There's more but I have a headache..

Am I just overly irate for no reason? Or is he being a d...?

[Claret]

There are two rules when it comes to children, whether or not they are your children, your step-children, or your boyfriend’s children. Rule number 1 – the children and their needs always (I repeat always) come first. Rule number 2 – see Rule number 1.
There is NO your time on the weekend. If the children are there or need to be with a responsible adult, then your time becomes their time.
Having said all that I ask myself why oh why are you with this man? He obviously makes very poor choices in selecting the mother’s of his children, so why would you want to be his next poor choice? It doesn’t sound as if he is responsible enough to take care of these children, especially on his own. Perhaps he requires parenting classes.
It doesn’t sound as if he is just a heavy drinker, it sounds as if he is an alcoholic. Is this a person that you want to spend all your time with? He’s using you as an unpaid care-giver for his children. Do you also do housework?
You have a right to be concerned about the children and their poor hygienic habits. They have the right to demand more of their father’s time, you don’t have the right to add your whine to the mix.
I’d urge you to get out of this relationship, but to continue to keep an eye to the children. There may come a time when professionals may need to intervene but that requires reporting and documentation.
It sounds as if the Mother isn’t much help at all and is adding to the confused mix.
I wish you luck, let us know how things pan out.

[Agitated]

I understand what you said, like I was saying, the kids are good. Don't mind having them around we always have fun.. But when it's NOT a weekend and he's NOT supposed to have the kids and he just does I think that's unfair..

[jns]

There is a lot of unfairness built into having children and then having to be away from them whether it be because of work, divorce or other circumstances. He probably views any time he gets with his children that is above his allotment as a bonus as well he should. Claret's rules still apply. Your approach to the unfairness sounds like jealousy. Jealousy is not attractive. You will have to roll with the punches if you want to be part of this situation.

[Agitated]

But yes, you are right... Maybe I should just leave... I love him but i" prob never have time with him.. But seriously.. Even his own mother and sister thinks it wrong that we don't do anything.. I'll give updates!

[Agitated]

Benn over 2 yrs been rolling with the punches still no date..

[jen1447]

You sound unhappy in this relationship, and chances are he's not going to change enough to make you happy, so ...

[atskitty2]

I think if he is trying to put his kids first you should encourage that, not perceive it as a negative. If he wants his kids more than weekends that's good for the kids, right?
I think you have to know your place and accept it in this arrangement and you haven't figured that out. You're obviously very discontent in it and it seems to me it isn't going to change much for you.
When I begin dating a man with young children, I know that I will never be first in his life or priority on any given day. Those kids are and they should be. When they're grown, sure they are less demanding, but they're still his kids.
Quite honestly, I wouldn't want to be with a man who put me above raising his children.
I think you should leave him and find someone who can give you the time attention that you need.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He is 51, any man at that age should be aware that who ever he brings into his life, has to have some quality time as well. But, you are with him every day, he obviously loves his children un-conditionally as you do, and knows that he will be with them on the weekend.

So that leaves a date night on a week day.. I don't see what is wrong with that. But, you suggest that he doesn't have money to do that, I believe in equality as well, why don't you take him out on a date? See how he is with.

Also, it sounds to me as if you are very un-happy about the way you live with this man and when someone talks about the “mistakes” he/she made in their life, being the other person, that also suggests that this person is not for you.

See, we all make mistakes in life, that is how we learn. Often people repeat their mistakes because they haven’t learnt but in a relationship one that can go somewhere you don’t bring up their mistakes, rather help guide them to love so they realize they are worth more and can do better, be happier, with someone else.

I don’t feel that you can cope with the previous lifestyle he chose that is now present in his “present” life and will be in his future.

If this is not for you, then find someone you are happy with. No point staying in an un-happy relationship for 2 years.

[Agitated]

I've offered to pay, money isn't a problem. There is no time for date night he leaves for work at 12pm and sometimes he doesn't get home until 3am. That's his job. And as far as him spending more time with that kids that is good, I encouraged it! Even though that was not the original arrangement. I've accepted it, its good for everybody.

But everyone needs a break... And they have aunts and a grandmother who doesn't see them at all. He actually needs a break as well, he's tired and stressed all the time, but he does nothing...

Me I don't need a break I don't have to go with him early in the mornings but I do because I really love the kids. That's what I'm talking about... Will he change?
Stress kills, he's killing himself.